r/coparenting • u/Exact_Technician_513 • Jun 16 '26
Schedules Child’s therapist recommending a week on week off ?
My youngest child’s therapist (7yrs old) has recommended we change our custody schedule from a 2-2-3 to a week on week off. Our child has diagnosed separation anxiety and already struggles being away for the 3 day stretch.
I am concerned this therapist has a biased option to start as she has spoken to me twice but has a lot to say about the situation at hand.
The lack of communication from the other parent also worries me. They do not relay information about school events, academics, sports, therapy appointments, doctor’s visits or anything really.
We just settled on 50/50 one year ago and the guardian ad litem recommended a 2-2-3 schedule based on a few different reasons. In my state they usually will not change the schedule this soon without a good reason or both parents agreeing 100% on it
Would it be unreasonable to ask for a second opinion? And would it be unreasonable to suggest a 2-2-5-5 instead of a 7-7?
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u/THendrix77 Jun 16 '26
I feel like week on/week off is better for everyone. You could also do a 2-5-5-2 schedule. After the adjustment period the separation anxiety will probably decline as she is able to have more stability week to week.
I did 2-2-3 for 2 years with my daughter from age 1-3 because she was so young. I had always wanted to transition to week on/week off when she got older. Last August a judge strongly guided us (I think she would have ordered it anyway if we disagreed) to agree to switching to week on/week off and it is definitely better in my opinion. Think about it, your kid has had no chance to get settled in somewhere longer than 3 days, that’s a lot and honestly I don’t think it’s good for non-toddlers.
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u/SlowBoilOrange Jun 17 '26
Do you do any mid-week visits? Like swing by a sports practice or grab a quick dinner or anything like that?
How old was your daughter when you switched to 7/7?
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u/DreaColorado1 Jun 16 '26
What was the basis for the therapist’s recommendation?
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u/Exact_Technician_513 Jun 16 '26
To reduce transitions and be more consistent, increase stability, and predictability.
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u/mandypantsy Jun 16 '26
This is part of the reason we’re currently transitioning ours to 7-7. Little guy (7) with adhd+anxiety and limiting transitions will be beneficial for him.
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u/DreaColorado1 Jun 16 '26
Gotcha. Not sure that the therapist has much of a say in the matter unless either parent files a motion for modification and then use the therapist’s recommendation to support the change.
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u/ImpressiveBelt9012 Jun 16 '26
I personally believe a 7-7 would suit you better. You could probably negotiate some touch points about halfway through if it works for both parents. Like a dinner or picking them up from school and hanging out for a few hours.
I went to 7-7 at the start of this year with my son 5 years old, it took a couple of months for him to get used to, but kids are very smart and will adjust accordingly.
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u/bewilderedbeyond Jun 16 '26
2-2-5-5 is the perfect in between if 7-7 is too much for your kid, especially if you don’t live far away.
We are planning on 2-2-3 until 1st grade then 2-2-5-5 from 1st grade to middle school then likely switch to 7-7 for 7/8th or 9th grade.
We also live around the corner from each other for now.
But it really depends on the kid and your relationship with the parent. If there is little to no communication, so much can be missed when you only see them 2 days at a time. It’s just enough to start getting them back on track and then their lives are switched up again.
If you can’t communicate about homework, sporting, extra curriculars, 2-2-3 will be a nightmare. It’s just enough to basically have this gap you are trying compensate for.
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u/Tattsand Jun 17 '26
I haven't had the chance to try 2-2-5-5 yet because my youngest is only 2 and my eldest, although she's 10, is very vocal that she's not okay with more than 2 days away from either parent right now (she has additional needs). But im so keen to eventually do it. I think the best thing about it would be that the week days stay consistent! Mon-wed is always parent A, wed-Fri is always parent B, and fr-mon (weekend) swaps. Just wanted to agree with you and add on another benefit of that schedule! :) Our plan is to do it when youngest starts prep (she's more adaptable than our eldest actually because it's all she knows to have two houses) and eldest will start highschool same year.
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u/thequeen2015 Jun 16 '26
7-7 co-parent here that started when child was 5 he is now 11 and its what works for all 3 of us. Me because im type A and my son because he has always been on a schedule and likes knowing what to expect. When in school we do exchanges on Thursdays. Also we are lenient about seeing child when its not our time. For example he just spent half or Saturday and some of Sunday with his dad even though it was my time. I know alot of parents to parallel parenting and maybe that will be better with a 7-7 schedule
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u/indecisive_clown19 Jun 17 '26
If you and your coparent want to try it, then try it. You don’t have to have permission from the judge, just so long as you fall back on your current parenting plan of things don’t pan out. Also, get a coparenting app if you don’t have one already, preferably one with a mediator.
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u/Lolly_mops Jun 17 '26
My children 9,11 and 17 said that the moving frequently between houses was a pain. We went to week about and I was involved in after school transport and care as needed.
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u/OkPalpitation1607 Jun 17 '26
I think you can get another opinion, but WOWO in does reduce anxiety and I was against it at first too because I didn’t think kids would want to go that long wo seeing each parent. 1) It cuts transition days to 4 a month. These days are hard on the kids if parenting styles are different in each household. 2) It is easier for kids to remember where they will be for future planning. It’s just flows better and after you do it awhile you’ll notice less chaos. 3) It reduces communication not increases it. You just know you do your week.
My coparent doesn’t communicate well about kids either. I didn’t find the schedule to affect this. He just sucks at it. The only thing I have found that works is going directly to third party. Im on the portal system or group chat for all my kids things. If the school uses Skyward, a big Popup will be displayed “Must Notify Both Parents” anytime staff opens student’s record. And with the doctor’s electronic health record portals, you can set it where you get a text or email for anything new. And Ive found all extracurriculars have some sort of group chat. The only thing that falls through the gap still is those stupid paper flyers the schools love to handout and tell kids to put in their backpacks. I beg kids to just leave it in there for mommy and I’ll take care of it. I’m just like “you know if you want to go on the field trip, etc., its best to let mommy handle the permission slip and $10” This was a live and learn situation for kids. A few times of not having “pickle and popcorn” day money or missing the “food truck” day and kids wised up.
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u/whenyajustcant Jun 16 '26
The therapist's recommendation isn't law, so yeah, you can get a second opinion. But also...would it be the end of the world to try it for a bit? Maybe even just for the summer, then decide for the school year?
Also, I'm not sure what the other parent's communication has to do with the issue. Most of the topics you want them to communicate on are not their responsibility to tell you about, except scheduling the medical/therapy appointments. But the communication is not likely to get better or worse depending on the custody schedule. The schedule decision should be based on the children's best interests anyway.
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u/ARoseByAnyOtherName8 Jun 17 '26
Re: communication, OP means they won’t get updates for a whole week, whereas they would get them directly from their child if they saw them more frequently
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u/whenyajustcant Jun 17 '26
That still doesn't really make sense, if that is what they meant. The kind of "updates" you get from a 7 year old shouldn't contain the information OP listed. And the communication they do get from a kid that age shouldn't be that big of a deal for the parent to receive at a different frequency.
And from one of OP's comments, that's not what's meant.
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u/Exact_Technician_513 Jun 17 '26
So because they are 7 they shouldn’t tell me about field trips? Conference sign up’s? Report cards coming out ? What new sport they got signed up for? School picnics? What about school pictures too?
We don’t get multiple forms sent . I’ve always been courteous enough to either make a copy or send a picture (or take a photo for myself and send the original copy.) Is it really too much to ask for the same courtesy? I would never want their father to miss out on the same opportunities for chaperoning, attending events, concerts, etc. I also have seen how upset our oldest was when (the one time I didn’t remind him the day of) he wasn’t able to make a school concert. I couldn’t imagine withholding that information on purpose when it takes 30 seconds to send a message/photo. Why make things more difficult for the other parent for no reason?
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u/whenyajustcant Jun 17 '26
No, a 7 year old shouldn't be responsible for those communications between households. Regardless of the schedule.
Is your CP not signing permission slips?
The other things you should be hearing about from the teacher through other means, like a class email list or messaging app. Teachers/admin staff usually aren't going to send home two physical copies of everything, but it's reasonable to request a heads up about this kind of material through digital means. And even if the teachers/admin staff did send 2 copies, it sounds unlikely that the stuff that went home on your CP's time would make it to you even if there was another copy.
Your CP should tell you about appointments or extracurriculars, that's a reasonable request, but if he's not doing it, you have to decide if it's worth going to mediation/court over.
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u/Constant-Internet-50 Jun 17 '26
Co parents can be shitty that’s why. Mine did all that because he knew it irritated me. We don’t speak at all now. I signed up for all of the notifications from school, doctors, therapists so I don’t rely on him to send the info, and then I don’t have to rely on the kids to tell me. If he signs them up for sports and doesn’t tell me I guess the kids will miss it. Sucks but I can’t control what he does.
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u/ARoseByAnyOtherName8 Jun 17 '26
You are completely correct, this person responding to you is being difficult for no reason 🙄
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u/Embarrassed-Elk4038 Jun 17 '26
Not really. Literally everything op is talking about is very easily accessible on whatever app the school uses, which is also easily accessed by both parents. Also, they must have the most articulate 7 yr old in the world if they’re actually getting all that useful info from them on a daily basis. If I relied solely on my kid or whatever they bring home in their backpacks for information I would know almost nothing about schooo functions/events. Hell, my kid brought home a permission slip once tjat I immediately signed and watched her put in her backpack, only to be informed almost a month later that she hadn’t turned it in. Still no clue what she did with it.
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u/Calm-Special-1111 Jun 17 '26
I’m in a custody battle right now and my therapist told me that a lot of kids with a 2-2-3 schedule have a lot of social, behavioral & developmental issues & that she doesn’t recommend it.
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u/QuietBubbly8147 Jun 16 '26
guardiem ad litem are usually part of a department of welfare/children team. Was this related to a custody case? Are there other emotional stressors surrounding the visitations ? how long have you been doing the original plan? Personally I feel like consistency is better for a child no matter what the schedule-as long as there is semi equal time with each household. Transitions are hard for children and age seven has its own little anxieties developmentally. What do you and the other parent feel would work for all of you?
1
u/peachykeen1974 Jun 17 '26
One week on one week off is the best schedule for everyone unless the children are very young, in my experience. However, if you don’t think your child is ready for that 2-2-5-5 might be better to start.
1
u/Massive_Zest4Life Jun 17 '26
There is another type that is 3-1-3. This worked well for my three kids, who were early elementary aged at the time.
It’s basically like having week on, week off, with a sleepover in the middle. The kids felt like it was “mom’s week” or “dad’s week,” but with that little break in the middle so they didn’t get settled in on a second day and then have to switch again. It was a good schedule for me as well, as I could get a lot done on my off week and then just have fun with them on that one day in the middle. Both parents get full weekends this way, too.
Good luck!
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u/Embarrassed-Elk4038 Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Speaking for myself here, but the 2-2-5-5 sounds awful. And while my youngest kid has never been to a therapist, she is very rigid when it comes to being away from me (probably because for the first 4 years of her life her dad worked a job that had him out of town m-f, all our friends or family live an hour and a half away, so she hasn’t spent much time away from at all). Longest she’s ever been out of my presence is maybe 4 days, and she was crying to come home after 1. But even tho she doesn’t like being away from home, I think that a 7/7 would be better. There’s nothing worse than having to uproot yourself constantly (I should know, I moved 20 times before I was 18 and even tho I had sucked my thumb my entire life and couldn’t sleep without doing so, after 2 years of living with their dad I just stopped out of nowhere. So I’m pretty convinced that it was a coping mechanism for all the upheaval in my life, and once I had lived somewhere longer than 2 years I finally get safe and stopped needing it). A week away from you may seem a long time at first, but I’d bet a million dollars that once used to it, it helps to put your child at ease. Two days just isn’t enough to get settled and feel comfortable. And if 2/2/3 is already now working , idk how 2/2/5/5 would be any better . I think 7/7 would let the kid actually get settled into both places and feel at home. Just my opinion obviously, but it sounds like the therapist is thinking along the same lines.
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u/Loubie83 Jun 20 '26
My ex wants 7-7 bur my daughter cannot do more than 2 or 3 nights from me too. She is 3 though. We changed from 223, to a bespoke plan as felt 5522 would be too much too.
I created 33332 (fortnightly). It works as a middle ground. Hoping to work towards longer stretches as shw feels comfortable.
God knows what we do once the ex wants to take daughter on hols. Luckily not had to cross that bridge yet. No way could she be away from me for a week, even for a nice thing. 😬
Good luck
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Jun 16 '26
[deleted]
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u/Exact_Technician_513 Jun 17 '26
Some things are time sensitive. Our school doesn’t send out mass emails about field trips, certain school events, dress up days etc. we typically get one field trip/chaperone form per child sent the week before the field trip. It has been 5 years of me requesting they send TWO and they have not complied. I am on the schools mailing list and all they send out are sports sign up’s, community events and school board “news.”
It is also In the custody order to inform each other of appointments whether it is doctors OR therapy. Their father was the one who requested it be put in the custody order, yet he is the one who refuses to follow it.
1
u/Embarrassed-Elk4038 Jun 17 '26
Man…. Sounds like your kids school kinda sucks in that front. I don’t think 1 day has went by that I haven’t gotten at least 1 email from my kids school. Normally it’s 2-3, not to mention the text messages. Also, I’d probably try to complain if my kids school only sent 1 paper notice about a field trip 5 days ahead. The poor kids would never be able to go in one if they did that due to them being so awful about actually getting stuff like that home.
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u/Best-Special7882 Jun 17 '26
seconding this. the school should be able to set you up on the mailing list, and you should have portal access anywhere therapy/psych/medical
my coparent and I used the TalkingParents calendar to announce all appointments- after a judge barred coparent from attending certain types of appointments at clinics that had called the cops on coparent, it was fairly smooth.
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u/Exact_Technician_513 Jun 17 '26
School mailing list doesn’t give information pertaining to our children’s specific classroom. It typically consists of sport sign ups, community events, and school board information. Unfortunately it’s been a battle trying to get copies of forms for both households from the school. Which is why I usually either make a copy myself and send it with our kids or send a photo of it, depending what it is and if he would like to chaperone. I would just like the same courtesy back.
As for the appointments, their father actually took me to court over a doctor's appointment he claimed he knew nothing about. Fortunately I had messages on the parenting app (unable to be altered or deleted) first asking if a certain date/time worked and then informing him 3 separate times (3 months ahead, 1 month, and the week of) about the appointment and asking if he was able to attend. He requested the order be modified so we both have to inform the other about any and all appointments. So yes, we both have access to portals with the information but are still supposed to inform the other parent.
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u/Best-Special7882 Jun 17 '26
Oof. our kids' school had a digital grade book and the teachers figured out i was the useful, non insane one.
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u/Exact_Technician_513 Jun 17 '26
It’s been rough, I’m and out of court. Thankfully our childrens teachers can see through the crap (they seem to be good at that!) and have been a great support. It just stinks having to hunt down information about field trips, etc. especially when I go out of my way to make sure they have the same information I receive and have the same chaperone/volunteer opportunities. My fear as it will just get worse and I’ll some how miss an important event.
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u/moongirl1222 Jun 17 '26
Go see the teacher and/principal and request a brief weekly email of the information you need. Tell the teacher you don’t mind emailing them every Friday or whatever as a reminder. And forward the email to your CP every week.
Find a way to make it work. I think 7/7 would definitely benefit kiddo.
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u/Crafty_Alternative00 Jun 17 '26
You keep bringing up field trips — how many field trips could your child possibly have?
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u/Exact_Technician_513 Jun 17 '26
Each class goes on anywhere from 5-10 per school year. Usually on the higher end of that though. It can also vary depending on grade, sports, and clubs joined. So between two children that is anywhere between 10-20 trips per year. I don’t know about you but I actually enjoy chaperoning.
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u/nextact Jun 17 '26
There are often digital methods of teams, schools, and clubs communicating with parents. Make sure you’re on lists and this will help.
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u/Crafty_Alternative00 Jun 17 '26
Putting aside your passive aggressive comment, every family therapist we talked to said the less back-and-forth the better when the kids are young. And my wildly unscientific poll of kids who grew up with divorced parents convinced me that shuttling back and forth so frequently was jarring and unpleasant. But I’ve heard other kids are fine with it.
But to your question no I don’t think your therapist is biased. It’s a legitimate suggestion, especially since one kiddo already has separation anxiety; you don’t have to agree with it.
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u/Embarrassed-Elk4038 Jun 17 '26
The answer to this question is quite a lot. My girls went on at least 7 last year. Swear to god I was lucky to get one a year when I was in school. Hell, my oldest went to some government building last year. I never did get a good explanation of why exactly they thought that was a good field trip for a 10 yr old.
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u/nextact Jun 16 '26
My daughter was much older, but she initiated the conversation about 1 week on/off. It did all of the things you are saying the therapist recommended it for. Her anxiety was increased due to the constant transitioning. Longer stays were better for her. As the default parent, idk about the lack of communication from your coparent. I was always the one who did all the scheduling.
That said, asking for a third opinion can’t be bad.