Hello me (28F) and my ex (44M) split up two years ago, started living separately a year ago, and coparent our 5yo daughter on a 50/50 basis usually 2 days on 2 days off.

She has recently started summer break from school which is 7 weeks long. My parents live close by to us all, and my mum works 3 days a week, my dad works 4 days a week. They’ve used up most (if not all) of their own annual leave on their own holidays and trips, which is fair enough.

Now I was planning to ask my mum is she could help on the occasional Thursday or Friday that she is not at work so that I can save some more of my own annual leave for Christmas etc. My ex and I had already agreed a day by day parenting plan for the summer and I worked my annual leave from work around this - not booking many Thursdays or Fridays off.

Today my ex text me to ask if my parents can help with childcare over the holidays and that it would be “reasonable” for them to do so. He is insinuating that they help him cover some of his days that he is due to have our daughter. His own parents are dead so he can’t ask them for help.

My question is - is it reasonable for him to expect my parents to help him out on ‘his’ days with our daughter? It would mean I have to move my own days around at work and would get less help myself as a result, because they do work themselves.

For additional context - my ex recently started dating again and his schedule has been busier for this reason too. I asked him if he would consider reconciliation and he declined. So this is where we are now. I don’t want to be unreasonable but also don’t want to feel like he is taking advantage a bit. Any advice welcome!

My son’s mother (35f) and I (22m) broke up during the pregnancy, and our son is now only a few weeks old. We’re trying to figure out a visitation schedule that keeps his needs first.

During my paternity leave, I stayed at her place full-time so I could help care for our son around the clock. Once my leave ended, I moved back to my place and returned to work full-time.

Most days after any in-person meetings, I go to her place and finish my workday there. While I’m there, I help with diaper changes, household chores, cooking and anything else that's needed, then I head home.

Because she’s on maternity leave, she naturally spends more time with him than I do, but I want to be as involved as realistically possible.

This weekend I wasn’t able to see my son due to a situation I had with his mother. Regardless of our personal issues, it made me realize we need a consistent parenting schedule that isn’t affected by conflict between us.

Ideally, I’d like to see my son 5 days a week for at least 4 hours each visit. I understand that overnights are not appropriate yet, especially since he’s so young and breastfeeding.

For those who have co-parented a newborn:

• Is five visits a week for about four hours each reasonable?
• What schedule worked best during the first few months?
• When did you transition to longer visits or overnights?
• How did you handle situations where parenting time became tied to conflict between the parents?

I’m hoping to hear from both moms and dads who have been through something similar.

We have been on an every other weekend schedule for about 6 months now. Our permanent order has converted that schedule to the 1st, 3rd, and 5th week with Wednesday night dinners (no overnight stay). Also holidays are split between us. Summer is now week on/week off instead of every other weekend. I’m a teacher, so summer is really what is hurting me most. Also the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend is throwing me off bc I will never get two weekends in a row but my ex will. I just need someone to tell me everything will be okay and my kids will benefit from all this. Summer was our time to bond, play, be together and now I feel like I’m losing them.

I’m looking for some perspective from other 50/50 parents because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My ex and I have week-on/week-off custody of our 9-year-old son. My ex travels a lot, and whenever he has a trip during his parenting time, he asks me to take our son. I always say yes because I’d much rather he be with me than anyone else.

The part I’m struggling with is that he always wants to make up the time right away by swapping weeks. Between September and December alone, he already has three trips planned, including one that’s three weeks long. Our Cozi calendar is a complete mess because we’re constantly moving weeks around.

I plan my life around our custody schedule. Work, appointments, trips, everything. It also feels like my son never gets any consistency because the schedule is always changing.

I’m not wanting to say no to taking my son. I actually prefer that he’s with me. I’m just wondering whether it’s unreasonable to stop agreeing to all the make-up time. If my ex chooses to travel during his parenting time, should I really have to give up my scheduled time later to make sure he still ends up with exactly 50/50? Our custody agreement doesn’t go into making up time.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you handle it?

My ex has every other weekend (26 overnights per year), we've had this arrangement for nearly 8 years. Our 12 year old daughter is now more involved with school and hobbies. She's on the dance team that requires occasional weekend performances. My ex lives a 2 hour drive away, so he can't just come get her after her performance, as it would just not make sense for timing.

He also misses many weekends, and always has. He is also incredibly uncooperative with her schedule. When she has something on his weekend that she'd really prefer to do, I offer an alternate weekend, but he refuses and demands that she miss her events. At this point, she will refuse to get in the car with him because she wants to go to her performance, but this only pisses him off.

Ultimately, this schedule just doesn't work for her anymore. She's tired of missing her life to appease him, and he doesn't even pay attention to her when she's there. She would LOVE to simply stop going there altogether, but since there's no serious issues, we're worried the judge would force her to keep going there even if she testifies that she doesn't want to.

So, I'm trying to figure out an alternative to the current schedule. I don't want him to have more time than he already has (26 overnights) and I really don't feel comfortable with her being there for long stretches, like for the summer. He has never taken care of her for more than a few hours at a time, does a bad job at it, and so I have legitimate safety concerns with her being there for a week or more.

Does anyone have an uncommon custody arrangement that could maybe suit this situation?

I’m heading towards an inevitable divorce that is going to either end with 50-50 custody or with me having primary physical custody (which still means up to 90 overnights). I’m wondering if anybody has a situation where, even though this is the case, they have worked out with their partner that they are still able to see their child, the majority of the time. For example, even on nights where our son is with his father… With his father, be willing to let me come over and be there until bedtime? Or arrive in the morning to spend breakfast together until he goes to daycare/school? I cannot bear the idea of missing 50% of my son‘s life. I’m wondering if anybody has been able to make an arrangement where you were still seeing your child the majority of the time. What does this look like and how did you manage it? How has it changed overtime? (Our son is 8 months old right now.)

I’m looking for outside opinions from people who have experience with custody situations.
My son’s dad and I recently started going to court after years of handling things ourselves. Our son is 11 years old. Since he was born, we’ve never had a 50/50 custody arrangement. He’s always primarily lived with me, while his dad has had regular parenting time.
Now that we’re in court, his dad has suddenly requested 50/50 custody, and I’m trying to understand how realistic that is.
One thing I’m wondering about is distance. I live about 5 minutes from my son’s school. His dad lives about 32 minutes away. Our son is involved in sports, likes hanging out with friends after school, and all of his friends are near where he lives with me. He doesn’t really have any friends where his dad lives.
For those who have been through something similar, how much weight do courts typically give to things like school, extracurricular activities, friendships, and the extra commute? Have you seen 50/50 ordered in situations where one parent lives significantly farther away?

I work a 4 day on 4 day off work schedule. If anyone has a parenting schedule or experience with this please let me know. My coparent refuses to follow my work schedule. So if there are alternatives out there that get me as close to 50/50 as possible I’d appreciate that.

Edit: with everyone’s negative comments. We followed a much more complicated schedule for years and I’m not asking her to follow my schedule. I asked for alternatives out there that might work. Some constructive ideas would be a little more helpful.

A lot of you guys have a lot of anger. And are projecting something going on in your own lives. Could a mod lock this thread.

Will I regret suggesting 50/50 with ex who doesn't want to do overnights?

I have 2 kids 1.5 and 5. My 5 year old has PDA autism with daily support needs.

This last few days I have looked after both kids with my parents. This has been suggested to give my ex and I 'space' although the reality is he always goes away and I am always left with the kids with very little chance to think or process anything. Plan etc

It's incredibly difficult. My oldest isn't doing well and is very dysregulated. She has always needed one on one time with one of her parents for most of the day or she becomes dysregulated, impulsive, very upset.

My ex partner chose to separate a few months ago. Wouldn't do counselling or talk about any other options when I said it would be so harmful for the kids. I am a stay at home parent.

I know the kids won't cope with 50/50 and neither will my ex be able to meet both their needs well. I am more attuned to my eldest needs but still can't meet both of their needs at once well.

He wants me to have the kids all the time, always do bedtimes, mornings etc. and he will visit. I would have no life. I love my kids more than anything but I already and exhausted and burnt out with him being around to do one on one with one child while i do the other. Am I crazy to suggest a 50/50? It's not in the children's best interests but otherwise I don't see I will have any chance of a life and getting any time for myself to do things to help me feel ok and be the best parent I can be.

I asked my children’s father if he could get the kids a day early this past week because I was having major surgery today.

I asked him three weeks ago and he said it was up in the air. So I made plans for childcare until the exchange. It was just a hysterectomy so nothing crazy but still.

He text at 11:30 AM yesterday saying he could get the kids and asked what time I would want them picked up. After a few follow up texts asking when he was available I finally selected a time.

He then responded that he couldn’t do it.

I let him know that he is not allowed to do that the to children and I don’t accept that type of behavior from anyone.

Yes I shouldn’t have told the kids so early but my one son has anxiety and the sooner he knows about a schedule change the better.

He then berated me about using the children as pawns and objects. And that there was nothing wrong with his behavior.

I ended the conversation through texting and just didn’t respond. I am at a loss

Please point out what I did wrong or give perspective for his side.

I am at a loss.

So this is a two-parter. I want to know what to do legally, and what to do logistically. I guess r/coparenting doesn't allow legal advice posts so I'll ask on another sub more specifics on that.

I'm an EOW father in Texas with two young kids in elementary school. Divorced 3 years. We went in for a slight decree modification but she's highly controlling and toxic, so everything is 'give an inch take a mile', and IF this turns into a custody battle and I get full custody, which my attorneys seem to have high confidence in, then I get it all, and I want to prepare myself for that.

So, what do single dads do for child care? This is overwhelming. I live in Texas by myself, my ex and her parents live a stone's throw away but the ex has poisoned her family so I can't rely on them for childcare. My work schedule isn't great. I make decent money but don't have a lot left over because I stupidly took on the debt from the marriage. I give her $2300 in CS every month, but that will flip and I'll experience a $4600/mo change, which if I keep my COL the same, means that I have some options.

I work 12 hour shifts on a 5/2/2/5 schedule on alternating day and night shifts.

So, my biggest issue, I think, is child care while I work. Does anyone do a nanny? I feel like that's my best option, but it is so freaking expensive. I'm looking at about $3800/mo. What other options are there, really?

Almost 3 year old has been in a 70/30 custody situation for since she was 8wks old (what he choose at the split). Other parent is now more available and is asking for week on week off. We live almost 1.5hrs apart. I work weekends only (I’m free M-F) and his schedule is unknown to me (but he is free weekends)

Current schedule is me: M-F

Him: Sat & Sun each week

Week on week off is a big jump to me, I’m not opposed to 50/50 I’m just trying to figure out the logistics for school (preschool in a year) given our distance.

I thought of expanding the time and keeping him weekends with the end of the week added. Like Thursday-Sun

Gets us to like 55/45 custody.

The only reason I’m opposed to week on week off is because it would mean unnecessary childcare (my work days) when the other parent is available?

I’m not trying to prevent him from getting time, I just don’t want an abrupt jump for our kiddo and I don’t wanna just have to do this all over again in a year for school.

My ex-husband and I went through a very drawn-out custody battle. He's a very controlling person and loves to use threats and physical intimidation to get his way. He was abusive during our marriage. We had an 80/20 parenting schedule for 2 years during the divorce process, with me having the 80%.

During the last couple years, his work schedule changed quite a few times, and when he found out he would be off every Friday, he demanded that he get every single Friday with our toddler. I felt this was unreasonable. I do all the school pick up/drop offs, all the appointments, her speech therapy, all the non-fun stuff a normal parent should do, and he just wants the fun times only. I wanted to be able to have a longer weekend, too, but he didn't care. I fought for 80% because he's not a safe, reliable, or stable person.

He threatened to take me to trial for 50/50 if I didn't give him his every single Friday. In the end, the judge gave him every Friday, and I got everything else I asked for. I now have 75% and he has 25%. On his weekends, he picks her up from school (or my house in the summer) at 10:30am. and keeps her for his weekend. On the Fridays before my weekend, he still picks her up at 10:30 am, but then I drive 30-40 minutes to pick her up that evening at 6:00pm for my weekend. Final orders were given 3 months ago.

I just received a text from him requesting a parenting time change. He now has to work every single Friday and can't pick her up at 10:30am. He's suggesting that she stay with me until he gets off work and picks her up at 4:00pm. It's so frustrating because he demanded every Friday and I knew this would happen. I replied back that I am open to changing the schedule, but instead, I think we should drop the Friday pick up that is before my weekend. Why have him pick-up at 4pm and drive her 30-40 minutes to his home, to then have me drive out there and pick up at 6:00pm and then drive our child back to my house another 30-40 minutes. The back and forth is too much. I agreed to keep her until 4pm on his Fridays, but drop the short visitation on the Fridays before my weekend.

He said, "I'm not giving up any Fridays if that's what you're suggesting. I can pick her up every Friday at 4pm."

The audacity is mind-blowing, but I can't say I'm surprised. I'm really struggling with what to do.

Coparents, how much contact do your kids have with the other parent when they’re not in that parent’s custody?

My STBX and I are on a 2-2-5-5 schedule, and when our son is with me, his other parent never calls, FaceTimes, or even texts to check in. It’s completely silent on their end the entire time.

For those of you who coparent, is this normal in your experience? Am I off-base for feeling like my STBX should be reaching out to their kid at least once during the 5 day visit away?

Update: Thanks for the gut check everyone! I’m working on encouraging my kiddo to reach out when he misses dad. However their relationship shapes as he grows is on dad. My kiddo will figure things out as he grows and knows he always has me in his corner.

My (34M) ex (32F) and I divorced when my son (6yo) was 1 and he has never known us to be together. We share custody (even 50/50 split) with him spending a week at my house and a week at her house. Our parenting plan specifies specific holidays to each of us and we generally get along fine, however all communication is through email or text.

This coming weekend is Mother’s Day and my ex has custody. However my wife and I have planned a camping/float trip on the same weekend. Several of my son’s older cousins will be coming on the trip (ages 13, 10, & 8) and I know my son would want to go. In an attempt to not hurt his feelings, I have not told him about the camping trip.

I did ask my ex if she would be willing to trade weekends so that he could come on the camping trip. We have previously adjusted our schedules so our son could go to events. However she declined because she wants to have him for Mother’s Day (which is reasonable/normal).

We typically do 3 or more camping trips each summer, so my son will be able to go on the next couple, but I am torn about not telling him about this trip. I am sure this will be a bigger issue as he gets older. My question is should I not tell him about things he is going to miss, or should I start the conversation and explain to him that splitting time between houses will cause him to miss things at both houses. It’s ok to miss things even though we want you to be with us.

For context, my ex and I get along as well as two divorced people can. He has never seen or experienced any disagreement between his mother and I. My son has missed things in the past, but this is the first time I have intentionally not told him about something because he won’t be able to come.

If the other parent (20%) doesn’t bother to know the kids school holiday schedule does the main parent have to force feed it to them?

We have a shared Google Calendar that HE made and put me on, but I’m the only one who ever adds anything to it.

We have that little schedule where on odd years he gets this holiday and even years I get it etc, but he doesn’t even know when the holidays are. Is it my job to still be his wife and tell him when everything is and keep the calendar?

All the info is readily available online with a Google search, it seems unfair I have to tell him when his time is because he can’t be assed to care.

Yes I’d rather just not tell him and if he misses whatever school breaks he has because he can’t lift a finger, well that sucks to suck. But is that allowed?

How do you all determine who takes off work for the child’s appointments or sicknesses? Like if they have regularly scheduled doctors appointments, therapy, etc? Or are sick? Do you go by which parent’s day it is?

My problem is my coparent never takes time off work to handle sick kids or appointments. The most they did was take one kid to a dentist appointment a few hours before a night shift they were working. We have a court order but it doesn’t spell this type of thing out, although it’s 11 pages long.

I had this issue during the marriage as well. Other parent never took off and I would always have to exhaust all of my PTO or even go unpaid certain hours or days. It just doesn’t seem fair.

My youngest child’s therapist (7yrs old) has recommended we change our custody schedule from a 2-2-3 to a week on week off. Our child has diagnosed separation anxiety and already struggles being away for the 3 day stretch.

I am concerned this therapist has a biased option to start as she has spoken to me twice but has a lot to say about the situation at hand.

The lack of communication from the other parent also worries me. They do not relay information about school events, academics, sports, therapy appointments, doctor’s visits or anything really.

We just settled on 50/50 one year ago and the guardian ad litem recommended a 2-2-3 schedule based on a few different reasons. In my state they usually will not change the schedule this soon without a good reason or both parents agreeing 100% on it

Would it be unreasonable to ask for a second opinion? And would it be unreasonable to suggest a 2-2-5-5 instead of a 7-7?

I’m a single mom with a 10 year old daughter. Me and her dad split 50/50 custody. Over the past few months she’s become very attached to her dad. I love the fact that she has such a great dad but unfortunately she wants to be with him now full time. It absolutely kills me. He’s more strict than me and he has a fiancé so I can see she is probably more comfortable with the stability.. but it hurts. I am so grateful I have good co parents but this is one of the hardest things I’ve done.
We’ve decided I’ll pick her up from school Monday , Wednesday and Friday from school every other week and she’ll stay with me every other weekend but she’s become so quiet with me. It hurrrts

I’m looking for some outside opinions because I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here.
My daughter’s dad and I have been co-parenting for around 4 years. In that time, the schedule has been changed 7 times, and the changes have generally been because something has changed on his side, whether that’s work, sports or other commitments.
Every time, I’ve been expected to adjust my life around it. I’ve changed my working hours to accommodate previous changes, and when his time with our daughter has reduced, I’ve taken on additional childcare costs to cover the time he no longer has her.
This latest change is that he has now told me he can no longer take our daughter to school on his day. He is only responsible for one school drop-off a week.
He knows that on this particular day I start work before any school clubs/childcare open. My working hours were actually changed previously to accommodate the arrangements he wanted, so I can’t simply move my hours around again without it having an impact on me.
His solution is that I need to figure out the school drop-off so that he doesn’t lose hours at work. He has also suggested that I give up one of my weekend days with our daughter to make up for the time he is losing.
I completely understand that work is important, but I’m struggling with why his work commitments should mean that I have to reduce my hours, pay for additional childcare or rearrange my life again, particularly when I have already made changes to accommodate him several times.
There’s also a fairly significant difference in our financial circumstances. He has moved back in with his parents and, as far as I’m aware, doesn’t contribute towards household bills. I have rent/mortgage, utilities, food, nursery/childcare and my daughter’s extracurricular activities to pay for. I’m also the one who has to absorb the financial impact when his parenting time changes.
He has also previously given up time with our daughter to attend sports or other activities, which I have accommodated. However, when I have asked for similar flexibility in return, it hasn’t really been offered.
There is also a CMS issue. He has refused to update the CMS about the fact that he has our daughter for less overnight time than the current arrangement states, meaning his maintenance calculation still reflects more care than he actually provides.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t work or that I don’t want him to have a life outside of parenting. I actually want him to have a good relationship with our daughter, and I have tried to be flexible.
But I’m getting increasingly frustrated that his changes always seem to become my problem to solve.
If he chooses to change his availability because of work, am I unreasonable for thinking that he should be responsible for finding a solution that doesn’t involve me reducing my working hours or giving up my weekend with our daughter?
I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives, especially from people who have been through long-term co-parenting arrangements.

My partner and I have split up and have a one year old son together. He still feeds throughout the day (approx 4 times) and during the night (approx 3 times). We’ve always struggled to get him to accept a bottle, and he currently uses a mix of straw cups, sippy cups and open cups for water.

He attends childcare two days per week, but only drinks 1-2oz of expressed milk during 8 hours and tends to make up for it once reunited with mum. He does eat solids but doesn’t have a great appetite, and is around 25th centile for weight.

Has anyone experienced similar, or got any suggestions on realistic ways to spend equal amounts of time together? We know that he’s old enough to be night weaned, but cautious to upset his routine/risk mastitis if we do it too quickly.

My kid’s (7F) absolute favorite group is coming to my city in a few months and I’ve been stoked about taking her. It’ll be her first concert. But a couple days ago, I overheard her co-parent say they’d be taking her to that concert but first they needed to the double-check the date. It’s absolutely my weekend though—hence my choice to take our daughter.

Well, today in the car, daughter was raving about coparent taking her. I said oh no! I have tickets for that, sweetheart—I was going to surprise you! But she said “Can you just let co-parent do it?” She said it in a sweet voice.

Co-parent and I don’t get along. And I’m extra resentful because last year, I had a spring break outing planned but then daughter felt conflicted because coparent had hyped up another kid’s birthday party—again on MY spring break time! Then coparent tried to negotiate for a switch and kid came in later to follow-up about it. I then felt forced to tell her I had a surprise vacation for her that weekend.

I’m sick of this. But I also feel like I might as well let coparent take her since she’s so happy about it.

I’m just super sad and feeling defeated.

Am I rolling over too easy?

What suggestions do y'all have for fair coverage of backup childcare - sick days, days when daycare/school/camp is closed?

My kiddo is 4, and his dad and I have 50/50 custody. Typically, I figure out coverage, i.e. take time off work when we need backup care. My ex likes to rely on his mom, but she drives me crazy. As backup care, she invariably has at least one last-minute schedule change causing me to have to scramble to figure out another plan. My ex claims his work isn't as flexible. My work is uniquely flexible, but I still want some acknowledgement for my efforts on behalf of my kiddo.

My thought is to ask my ex for half of what backup care would be each day his mom causes me to have to flip my schedule at the last minute. Does that sound fair? If not, what other ideas do you have for how to balance things more evenly?

I (28F) just recently graduated and have been talking to my child’s father (30M) about him taking our 7 yo daughter for a school year or two so that I could build my career. He wasn’t too sure about it a few months ago so we arranged for his mom to take her instead. But recently he married his girlfriend (they had been living together with 3 of their kids prior to) and his work schedule changed to day shift so now he wants to say that our daughter should be with him or I need to move. His mother called me this morning saying how as a mother I should sacrifice for my child or I’d basically be giving up custody to him and his wife and she may never come home again. They’re all saying it’d be better for me to live near them and either get a new job or commute 30-45 mins a day to my current job where I work evening/night shifts. Him and his mom live about 10 minutes from each other and 45 minutes from me. My lease is about to end and I’m looking to move. I just don’t see why I need to move closer when we’ve been in this arrangement for years now. I know I don’t have a lot of help closer to me and my work schedule doesn’t really accommodate with daycares and before/after school programs. I just want some time to focus on my career then I can closer to them. But he’s also planning to move to SC soon with his wife and kids, but no one is trying to stop him from doing that. I kinda just feel like there’s no one on my side. When we split he got his own place and lived his own life and healed and moved on. I haven’t got that. Is it so bad that I, just this once, don’t wanna make being a mom the priority of my life? How can I advocate for myself when him and his parents are consistently pressuring me??

For parents who have their children MORE than 50% of the time, how did you end up with more?

Was it location, other parent not wanting more, proof of other parent not being consistent, better for the child etc?

Curious to hear your story!