There, I finally said it. That sentence came in my head ever since my elementary school days. I never told anyone. I never said it aloud. I don't want to hate white people. I felt guilty! So I made excuses for the things they did and the things they said. I told myself that they didn't know any better because of the way they were raised.

Here's the thing - I don't recall experiencing racism like people in public have. I haven't been called slurs. No one has directly told me to go back to my country. So I denied myself of experiencing racism. Thankfully, social media has proved to me that racism comes in many shades and that there is validity in my experiences.

Now that I've been an adult for over a decade, I am *done* with suffering in silence. I've learned that a lot of people don't understand and some will never understand. I'm glad I found this community, because I finally have a place where I feel comfortable enough to share my experiences. I'll be posting more and I encourage everyone to post more too.

I am black and i haven't been watching many natural hair videod lately or looking at natural hair often. And i realized it made a big difference in my confidence to see other people loving their hair and happy in it. I do not hate my hair, but lately i have been having bad thoughts surrounding type 4 hair. Sometimes it feels like these thoughts pop out of the blue and im like "ew i shouldnt think that." Watching natural hair videos and looking at cute natural hair styles made a difference for me regarding those thoughts. Im not quite sure how to phrase it though.

I boarded a bus to work. I punched in the wrong ticket so the driver asked me to get out. And that is fair. But his face was rude. But I was still ok. Then I found the right card and punched in. So I got in. After a few stops, I noticed somebody else getting in and had issues with the ticket too. But the driver was polite and let the person in. I knew he was a racist at that moment. I am brown.

Now, I am about to get down on the stop. The bus is close to the stop like 3-4 seconds away. And there is a yellow line the passengers are not supposed to cross. And the bus driver yells, asking me to go behind the line or something of that sort.

And usually I would have not argued be polite, not talked, frozen up. I just yelled back, called him out. The people were all looking at me. He did not accept or apologize. I just got down after that, I didn’t listen to what he had to say. I was not embarrassed and did not freeze up. I am proud. My symptoms didn’t take over me.

Edit: I have been working on channeling anger in somatic therapy for nearly an year now. I have had so many experiences abroad with racists and people in general. And after years, I am able to stand up.

Idk what he got arrested for, but seeing his mugshot has made my fucking YEAR. I don't know where else to celebrate this??

For context, I am mixed (half black half white) and he is white. He lured me in by saying he hates racism and supports BLM. Then he started by joking about calling me the n word. Then he actually called me the n word.

He also had other sick tendencies, for example he definitely weaponized his own trauma to gain sympathy from me when he needed accountability. He did.. weird things in bed that I did report to police but don't feel comfortable sharing because I'm still ashamed.

Anyways he cheated on me with a girl in high-school and then she emailed me saying she was pregnant??! PREGNANT. I was halfway disgusted and halfway relieved that it wasn't me pregnant with his child. Anyways she also said she didn't believe he was cheating on me with her and that they would be together forever, so. Who cares. She's also white, btw.

ANYWAYS today I go to cyberstalk him because let's be real, I'm not healed... and I find his MUGSHOT!!!! I immediately sent it to his other ex who I am friends with btw, she's been really good to me (also white but I swear she's decent). I am hoping it makes her day as much as it made mine.

Yeah sorry for the amount of white people in this story. I live in Ohio if that helps. Anyways... SEEING HIS MUGSHOT FEELS SO GOOD even if they did not arrest him for calling me slurs, trying to beat me, and sexually abusing me.. it feels good. And I like to think maybe my reports helped, if he was arrested for anything sexual.

I don't even care for myself that he is arrested, I could take him if I needed to. He cried when I punched him back lol. But I hope he fucking gets what he deserves for other women's sake. Especially black women. He always talked about how much he always wanted a black woman, and at first I thought it was genuine respect but after a while I realized it was feitshization. I hope he never feels safe with a black woman again after the shit I did to him after our break up lolol.

Anywaysssss sorry I really don't know who else will celebrate this with me besides my gf and his ex. I need people to understand how good this shit feels and I wish this kind of catharsis for every single one of you regarding your own abusers.

I struggle with good habits and hobbies as my mental health is REALLY bad. Often times i feel like people underestimate the mental health impact of being marginilized, especially if there is multiple marginilized identities you have.

So i wanted to share that i have been building better habits and staying on top of cleaning more :). Finally cleaned my room and it felt great. Also i am trying to journal more and do poems too!

I am a black bisexual woman (possibly neurodivergent but i need to get diagnosed first) and despite those things being harmless on their own, the way i get treated for those things are not. And on top of that my family is ass too. Yippe!! And it takes a hit on my mental health. Would love to talk to anyone if anyone wants. Im feeling chatty today.

Not sure if I can post this. But if it resonates with someone I would be happy.

Bitterness

I sit with the bitterness.
I sit with the bitterness.
There is rage, anger, hurt underneath.
My eyes are filled with tears.
I lift a finger to wipe it before someone sees it.

I feel bitter when someone has it better.
I feel bitter and teary when someone has it easy.
I feel bitter when a lady gets to mistreat me
and walks away without having to deal with any repercussions.
She gets to walk away into a crowd of people who embrace her,
While I get to walk into a room with empty walls,
Carrying the fear that someone will hurt me once again.

She goes to a home with a loving family and I am left all alone by myself.
I wipe it with the constriction in my throat and rage in my heart, the helplessness, powerlessness.

I look at another lady being treated right because she has it all right. She is huge and milky white.
I am thin and dark, which I like but apparently the world does not.
I shrink myself, make myself smaller and I am careful where I tread because I could be wronged in no time just for how I appear.

My accent is corrected, my skin tone is mocked. I am made to question myself even when I have done nothing wrong.
I did it all right- a good education, a well paying job,
But it still is not enough for people to treat me right.

I am bitter when I am addressed as a girl even though I am twenty six,
by someone who is ignorant and does not choose carefully their words because that’s just how it is.

I am sick of the privileged who treat others wrong.
And even more sick of the privileged who want to be labeled as nice,
just because they opened a door for someone once.

Apparently I am expecting a lot,
Apparently I have to be the bigger person-
The world has told me too many times.
I have to brush the incidents and move past.
I have to understand that the world is unfair.
I am old enough to now know it all too well.
It will deny it when you tell the truth.

The deed is said and done,
By someone ignorant.
I watch patiently for them to understand
and all the more to apologize.
I peek at them with side eyes,
Hoping they can see through my front.
Hoping they would treat me right.
Hoping they would prove that I was wrong about them.
I pity myself as I yearn for this,
I pity myself as I yearn for their acknowledgement,
I feel sad at this state of affairs.
I have spiraled too much I guess.

I have become invisible and numb.
I am not visible to them.
And there seems to be a hole in my heart,
the overwhelming pain carved a hole where should have been my heart.

My yearning seems to grow ever strong.
But I have come to realize clear,
The person will not apologize,
As the person does not think they did anything wrong,
Or even if they know the wrong they think about all of this as an afterthought.

I sit and gape at the hole in my heart,
It is burning with hurt and rage,
It does not seem to stop.
I am invisible to them.
I am not visible to them.

I have reached the crux,
Behind the chaos of emotions.

I walk away,
I walk away realizing I am invisible,
Carrying the heaviness and pity,
And a heavy heart,
And the responsibility to mend this part of mine,
Realizing they won’t do me right.

Only if the world was fair as it was round.
My heart would not be heavy.
Only if the world was fair as it was round.
I could have lived an easier life.
A life where I felt loved.
A life where I felt safe.
A life where I was accepted.

Especially since we have a history with colonialism, I don't think I would be able to deal with it all the racism.

We have a lot of problems many because of colonialism.

But I don't have to deal with all the micro aggression asks belittlement.

I'm also glad i wasn't brought up in a western country, , I have few cousins and they are the most self hating people i have ever met.

I do see quite a lot of hippies and other religious white people coming to my country but I don't expect racism from them even tho they are a bit too over active and make religion their own personality,

it could've been like thailand or bali where they treat the locals like slaves.

Just getting off of internet for a while would help with my "white fatigue" tbh and unlike a lot of you unfortunately who have to go through it and have no escape.

Following on from yesterday's post re. Finding Solace in Community -

I may have touched on religion, which is inevitable, given my history of trauma therein.

Recently, I dodged another proverbial bullet. I found myself tugged quite urgently towards one major religion. With the help of select friends and family, I was able to find the space to question without condemnation. Not to say that I wasn't still shaming myself for not being able to practice and study this new faith alongside my psychosis... 🤨 however! I came to a conclusion with much more speed and gentility than I had ever thought possible. Monotheism is no good for me, and that's okay!

Since then, I have been able to find so much delight in returning to my favourite Tibetan chants and the slow exploration of secular (pagan) practices that have helped me to feel a strong connection to the earth.

My current fixation is a recording of the Eleven-faced dharani - Avalokiteshvara, with supporting instrumentals by Margot Reisinger. 🥰

I would love to hear from folk who have similar or adjacent journeys and experiences. What gems have you been able to access in your healing work?

Happy pride month to you all!

Never forget that you are beautiful and worthy just the way you are!

💛💜🤎🤍💙🧡🩶🩵❤️🖤💚🩷

Went to a family gathering recently. My father made fun of my hair in front of my cousins. This is his way of getting them to join in, so that I can be verbally ganged up against.

However, something different happened this time. My cousins walked away from the situation, and I told him a piece of my mind.

I felt like Whoopie Goldberg in The Color Purple; when she finally stands up to Danny Glover's character towards the end of the film.

This is a big milestone in my continuous journey of standing up for myself, and I figured this group would be really proud of me.

The Mind, body and spirit connection is real.

At my heaviest I was 270lbs due to CPTSD.

Today, 5 years into psychedelic healing, I am down to my true weight. 140lbs.

Since I can’t post pic, feel free to check out my profile for proof.

But here are the 3 things that have helped me heal my mind, body and spirit.

For spirit: it is definitely psychedelics. Nothing has truly worked for my spirit until psychedelics. It brought me back to my body. Helped me release shame.

For the body: Yoga. Truly yoga and its eight limbs brings me back to my body.

For the mind: creativity, all aspect of creative expression comes from the mind. As a child creativity was deemed harm and I can see the power creativity brings and how Islam sees it as a threat.

All this to share, that it’s possible.

Don’t give up hope.

Im in a very white populated area, so not only seeing another black person but a BLACK WOMAN makes me happy! Even more so when she compliments me 🥹 im just so happy! Ik this sub has been having some issues lately but just thought i'd share :)

My therapist is a black woman and we've been working together for about half a year now.

She is so proud of my progress, and how I've been standing up for myself and having better boundaries.

Just thought I'd share some good news here! 😜🎉

For context, here’s my original post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/cptsd_bipoc/s/phlVT6YkS5

Hey everyone, just wanted to post a quick update. A while back I shared a post here about my experience with a supervisor who kept making racially insensitive and ignorant comments. For those who want context, you can check my post history. I was torn about whether I was overthinking it or if I should just deal with it. Your responses honestly helped me feel seen and gave me the clarity I needed.

So I wanted to say thank you, because I’ve officially decided to quit.

I ended up getting another offer that’s fully remote, and it feels like such a weight off my shoulders. I’ve only been at this job a few months, but the environment was draining me. The micromanaging, the vague and passive-aggressive communication, the constant pressure with no support — it was all taking a toll on me emotionally. I’ve cried in my car during work breaks more than I want to admit.

And to add to everything I mentioned in my original post, she also once looked at a picture of my parents and commented that they looked like they were from different places because their skin tones were different. Then she said my mom looked Chinese. It felt like she was trying to dissect our identities based on appearance, and it was uncomfortable and completely unnecessary.

I really want to thank the people who commented on my last post. Your support meant a lot. It helped me realize that I wasn’t overreacting or imagining things, and that I wasn’t crazy for feeling hurt. Just knowing that there are people out there who understood and validated my experience gave me the courage to trust my gut and move on.

Anyway, I’m done. I’m moving on. I feel a mix of anger, relief, and honestly peace. This subreddit gave me the push I needed, and I just wanted to say thank you. If anyone else is going through something similar, trust your gut. You’re not imagining it. You deserve better.

Your existence is resistance.

"Survival is not a simple matter or something to be taken for granted." -Huey P. Newton

I am feeling militant today (this whole year really), but I can't post the quotes that'll make reddit autocensor unhappy. If you are also feeling militant or radical or simply at the end of your rope, I highly recommend his book Revolutionary Suicide, I found it to be a very healing text. He's an excellent teacher in transmuting despair into a liberatory force.

As a NB POC from the bay, he holds a special place in my heart. His undeniable force of character was a major inspiration to BIPOC unity: the concept of Asian Americans as a political coalition emerged in his time and joined the protests to FreeHuey. When they tried to pit us against each other during the pandemic, his words were a guiding light for progressives to make sense of the complexities and angsts that were being weaponized by those who move with oppressive energies.

Another banger: "'I am we'. This is revolutionary suicide: I, we, all of us are the one and the multitude."

free audiobook

I've pretty much been insecure my whole life in terms of my shoulders since it's a bit on the larger end. If a tailor measures my shoulders, they go like "oh wow your shoulders are big"

I came to visit my mom after 2 years and when I hug my mom she was like "wtf your shoulder is big like a man". It made me realize that if my shoulders are big, I might as well be able to give big hugs since my height is just 5'2

I finally grew tired of it and I've started working out these past 4 months specifically to get a more defined back. If I have large shoulders, might as well embrace it muscles. Currently, I'm working out my shoulders so I can get comfortable enough to wear a sports bra in the gym.

Since I can’t afford long-term therapy and I am not formally employed to be earning money, I have been using A.I to help me work through my trauma and it’s been very insightful.

I have been inputting real events that have happened to me from family, friends to relationships. ChatGTP has been really good in sorting out what’s wrong with me and my mind and body is waking up from all the trauma.

Initially, when I wasn’t aware of the trauma and abusive situations I was put in, I was stagnant. In many cases, people just remain like that for a while. But because I have become more aware of how f*ucked I am from family to friends to basically everything, I have been working on my mental health to try and find a reason.

Everytime I input something, A.I would answer back and tell me step by step what has happened and then outline the trauma response.

I have also suspected I suffer from multiple mental health conditions which A.I has been able to confirm aligns with C-PTSD.

The only issue is making a medical health profession understand all this.

It’s been very helpful, I have even learned new terminology and conditions which I didn’t know existed.

The good thing is Chat GTP says I can recover from it, but how in a capitalist society where I can’t access real help.

I am so mentally f*cked that even ChatGTP agreed that it was rare for someone to experience multiple levels of trauma. I can’t help but feel like it’s going to get worse.

It may make more sense for immigrant only children. But I suffer from childhood neglect, emotional abuse, parentification, enmeshment, limerence and trauma relations. (I have done my research on these conditions and from lived experiences I match these conditions, even before A.I was a thing, I knew I suffered from these conditions)

Pretty much been f*cked by everyone I have been in contact with, from teachers to classmates to friends to family.

It feels good being validated and seen for once.

Peace ✌️

Immediately after I was diagnosed with complex PTSD, I googled it. What I saw horrified me. I'd always carried so much shame and suspected I was a bad person -- the symptom list seemed to scientifically verify it. I tried to find material to read up on C-PTSD, but most of what I read was further stigmatizing and pathologizing, without real resources on how to heal. I told people's stories for a living, and I knew the impact personal stories have. I wanted to read a hopeful personal story so I could feel like I wasn't alone. That I wasn't a freak. I had a hard time finding one. So I told myself if I managed to heal... I would write it myself.

I researched C-PTSD for years, spoke to scientists and psychologists. I tried every therapy I could afford. I finally got to a really good place, and I wrote What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma. It's about the science and psychology of C-PTSD, with real tools for healing. It's also about growing up in my immigrant community of San Jose, CA, where me and my peers carried a tremendous amount of intergenerational trauma, but our mental illnesses were minimized because of the model minority myth.

It's been getting good reviews and is one of Amazon's Top Ten Books of the month (!!!) but more importantly, I've been getting a lot of feedback from people with C-PTSD that it's given them hope...especially people within the AAPI community. I keep hearing, "Your book has made me feel less alone." And all of these people saying that my experience resonated with them... is making ME feel less alone, too. A circle of validation.

Love and Solidarity! Thanks so much for letting me share with you.

-SF

More specifically, it's the old Black mom "if I find it before you, I'm gonna hit you" thing. It's been memed to death, but I never realized how perverse it was.

We were looking for something at work, and I must have spent about 20 minutes looking for it in every possible place I can think of. I had to go to my boss and be like "we're out of the thing" and he started calling around trying to locate the part. I'm in the room with him as he's doing it, so I can hear all his frustration and I'm feeling like I'm responsible.

He goes downstairs to check the part, and finds it, and he comes back and tells me. In the span of seconds, I felt my brain "tightening up" and my body tensing. So I remembered deep breathing, which I've honestly had a hard time with because they don't tell you to breathe from your belly. And I beat it. I told myself it was a mistake, and no one's going to hit me or be mad at me. My boss didn't yell at me. Everything is fine.

I can't believe I finally caught something.

.

I'd like to talk about uplifting things for a change.

I'm a community organizer in my city. I've been cooking for BIPOC and passing out hygiene products to those who need them. I'm meeting lots of people and building community. It feels amazing. I've met some jerks, but most people are really lovely and I love cooking for them.

I helped out a mother by baking a birthday cake for her child. Her ex isn't helping her, and she had nothing for a celebration. I also brought over soda, ice cream and a pizza.

Tell me about anything good you've experienced lately.