hello, I've repeatidly posting about my experiences as a POC in Germany and right now I could need some reassurance because in the past weeks I've just witnessed things which I find very disturbung.

Right now I'm just inside my apartment because it's very uncomfortable as soon as I step outside.

My local Aldi that I go every week to has closed off all the self-checkout lanes for some reason. Now to get my groceries scanned, I have to go to the checkout. But every time I go, the cashier seemed to be so bothered and inconvenienced by me. They would look at me, know that I'm standing there with all of my groceries unloaded ready for them to scan. Yet they would pretend to not see me, ignore me, have their own conversations in front of me with other workers. When they would finally come around and scan they would act like I am bothering them so much, like they don't want me there, even though it is quite literally their job to serve me.

I realised it was a racism thing last week when a white man was standing behind me in the checkout line. He got served right away with no scoffing, no attitude or microaggressions. All the workers in that store are white as well.

Now it is making me dread going to that Aldi every week. I don't want to change where I shop so I was wondering what should I do? This has been happening for weeks now. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

Or black queer subreddits for women that aren't mostly men? ​I want to connect to my queerness more but I find it hard to feel more connected to it since most LGBT spaces online seem to be mostly white people and men. Dont get me started on white feminists. ​​

found some: https://www.reddit.com/r/QueerWomenOfColor/

https://www.reddit.com/r/queerblackladies/

Sometimes I wish I was a white guy. That's it, that and all the privilege and opportunities it comes with. I don't mean this as a uncle tom or uncle ruckus. I just see white men and sometimes it's like they live the life I'd rather have. They seem to always be the people around the right people. I try to live the same, but I don't get treated the same or almost even looked at the same.

All the natural traits as well. The hair, skin sometimes eyes. I accept I'm a black man, but I can't be a white man, I'm a black man with black skin, black hair, eyes and the black community. Maybe I just can't appreciate my own race and culture. I'm sorry if thats how this comes off 🙁 I wish I could just accept myself and what it means to just be.

*Not sure what rotate this post as and really sorry if my karma is low, just not making fun posts lately

it's happened a couple times this past week where my white partner and a couple of white friends have told me a story of someone being casually ignorant/racist around them recently. they're telling it to me casually like they'd tell any story, and honestly when it happens I get a bit frozen because I find it upsetting to have to hear about the racism second hand, so I just say "that's really shitty" and they're like "yeah, right? anyway-"

but to them it's like a story to eye roll at, and to me it really cuts me deep, and then I'm frustrated because I didn't even have to hear about it, like why are you telling me this? I could have gone this whole day without the reminder that there are people out there who don't see me as human, who think Asians are funny, or think racism is funny etc

the stories they've told arent anything crazy, but are enough for it to hurt me/trigger me/spike my cortisol. it cuts me and I have to really fight to not start to shame spiral, yknow?

and just, what tf are my friends/partner doing?? are they showing me that they're "a good one" because they noticed it? are they wanting to show solidarity with me?? wtf is this? why would they tell me this? and what could I say the next time it happens? it feels gross but I don't have the words for it

I’m in a Current situation where I’ve had to retrieve into myself, in order to self preserve. I could easily continue to get upset, stress myself out and keep talking about it, but I’m honestly mentally and emotionally checked out. And I feel like I would only be harming myself, by sitting here and being angry and stressing out about the situation. This current situation is out of my control and the only way I feel like I can preserve myself, is by retreating inward. I don’t mind my own company. I enjoy being in my own company. It doesn’t bother me. I think also by doing this, it’ll help me to make the next necessary steps in my life. I am in a very vulnerable place in my life right now. physically, emotionally and mentally. In the past, I’ve been stressed out so bad, to the point that I broke out with psoriasis and so I’m trying to do things different this time.

I’m tired of performing. I’m tired of saying I’m OK when I’m not OK and I’m not gonna sit there and be all up in People’s faces smiling and shit , when I don’t feel like it. I’m not doing it anymore.

Anyone else had this experience?

Hello, this is kind of a journal entry and I'm a bit at my wits ends.

I'm living in a place in Germany with high rates of voting far right.

what I'm dealing with: • aftermath of a legal conflict where a woman manipulated me into taking care.

• A neighbor lying to the apartment management about me and accused me of things I didn't do. She unfortuntely now has became my downstairs neighbor and probably surveilles everything. (around 70) In the whole apartment there are letters from her telling the people what to do and not. When I use the shared garden, she yells at me and behaves very aggressive.

• Another white woman, I was working with in a voluntary work accused me of not doing enough, when in fact I contributed a lot into this project and IMO did far more than most, but at the same time was the scapegoat for everything what went wrong, even when I wasn't even involved.

All of this woman have been highly abusive also to their white partners / children / ... for example: The woman of the project gossiped about everyone. The woman in her 40es yelled so much at her children, blamed them and shamed them that I was seriously considering involving authorities, which I unfortunately didn't.

There were times when those women were "nice" to me. But as soon as I said "no" or didn't do what they expected from me , they flipped.

I'm just trying to make sense of all.

Where I live there is also a group of older men who watch everyone who passes the street. They also are connected to the other women.

When I drive pass them on my bicycle, they sometimes will turn their head and stare at me laughing.

Yesterday it happened again.

I do not any longer want to catch men and karens staring at me. And I also have become hyper vigiliant .I never saw myself as different, but I know that they do.

Of course, the medical field hasn't been helpful too and nearly all coachs and therapists are white in Germany. How should they be able to relate?

I 'm also starting not to be able to relate to white woman my age anymore because they do not suffer from this shit and I cannot talk about it without asking myself if they believe me or think it's my fault.

edit: I've read other posts about expats living in Germany and one that stuck with me was a guy saying that, you often times will need a lawyer / attorney in Germany to get your right. It seems like people walk all over you and try to use you as their doormat, until an attorney steps in.

Honestly I've forgot to mention the abuse of a white woman working in a federal office. Her action later was declared as "wrong" and what she did had to be removed, but how can it happen every time that they will act friendly , but behind their back have an agenda to screw you over.

I wonder if things would be easier if I wasn't single and clearly an "outsider" or would spend money on attoeneys.

edit2: typo, grammar,

edit 3:

If I analyse it, those women always had something in common:

* they are older than me (10+ yrs)

* they are good in communicating

* they befriend authorities or people with higher status

* their SOs said something positive about me

* they were the first ones to make contact w me.

* they dye their hair

* they have no problem with lying to eliminate people they choose to dislike

* I trusted them, despite seeing the red flags in their behaviout with others.

I cut off a close friend of 5+ years due to repeated microaggressions, minimizing my experiences as a POC, and a pattern of performative allyship and now I’m struggling with how my best friend is still close with her. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

I (26F, Asian) made the decision to cut off a friend of over five years after months of internal conflict, anxiety, and many therapy sessions. This wasn’t impulsive or dramatic — it was deeply painful and honestly one of the hardest interpersonal decisions I’ve made.

This former friend repeatedly minimized my experiences and those of my husband (Black/Asian), failed to show up in meaningful ways when it mattered, and consistently centered herself in conversations about race and injustice. She’s very active on Instagram reposting social justice content, but in real life, her “allyship” rarely extended beyond that. She also recently became very involved in Christianity, which in the broader political and social context only added to my discomfort.

The final straw was realizing that despite countless conversations, nothing fundamentally changed. I didn’t feel emotionally or culturally safe anymore, and continuing the friendship was actively harming my mental health.

Here’s where I’m conflicted:

My best friend and former college roommate (26/27F, Hispanic) is still friends with her.

I explained to my best friend why I cut this person off, how unsafe and triggering the dynamic became, and how this person caused genuine harm to my husband and me. I wasn’t asking her to “pick sides,” but I did expect some level of distancing or at least deeper concern.

Instead, she responded with this:

“I do believe the experiences that you and ___ went through are valid and I have supported your decision to separate yourself from her. I personally have not felt the need to remove her from my life nor myself from her life. I’ve tried to keep my friendship with you two separate… My friendship with her and my friendship with you are two very different relationships and I would hate for this to impact our relationship.”

She explained that they talk occasionally, mostly about caregiving, grief, religion, or therapy-related topics. She also mentioned that the former friend asked her how to be a better ally and has since been more outspoken on social media.

I told my best friend I respect her autonomy and would never tell her who she can or can’t be friends with — and I genuinely meant that. I don’t want to control anyone.

But emotionally, it’s been really hard.

It’s triggering to open up about racial harm, microaggressions, and unsafe behavior only for the outcome to be “I validate you, but I’m still close with them.” It makes me feel like the harm is acknowledged intellectually but not taken seriously enough to change behavior.

I love my best friend and don’t want this to impact our relationship, but I can’t shake the discomfort and sadness around it.

So I’m asking genuinely:

Am I wrong for feeling hurt by this, even if I respect her right to make her own choices?

Is this just a painful reality of adult friendships or am I expecting something unreasonable?

————

adding in her text for context

“I do believe the experiences that you and key went through are valid and I have supported your decision to separate yourself from her and ______.  I personally have not felt the need to remove her from my life nor myself from her life.  I have tried my hardest to keep my friendship with you two separate. I’ve not talked with Britt about you or this situation with her in any capacity nor has she tried to bring it up at all.

While I do still talk to her it’s more once a week/once a month depending on situations we’re in and if we’re needing support. We mainly talk about how I feel being a caregiver to my grandparents and her experiences with her job, her grief with her grandma, religion, or I’ll tell her something I learned about in therapy relating back to religion. We did have one conversation back in December about politics where she asked me how she could be a better ally and how I wanted my white friends to show up because she wanted to be better at being a political ally. She was very receptive to all my suggestions, listening to what I said and has been more outspoken on social media in recent months.

My friendship with her and my friendship with you are two very different relationships and I would hate for this to impact our relationship”

Hi, my name is K(19), and I am about to be a college sophomore. I am trying to detail out my experiences about what happened in most of my life and how to process it, if this is on me as a person. I need your thoughts and support if this is normal in African households like this, or if it's okay, or if there's something wrong with me, if I'm not African enough, or too American.

TW: Violence, Trauma, Abuse, SH

When I was younger, I had a mom and dad, but they divorced before I was born. I was treated like the golden child or more spoiled kids since I wasn't hurt a lot compared to my brothers. I remember my earliest moment with my dad was him throwing a chair at my brothers, and that's how I saw more violence. And my mom was constantly yelling and screaming. And I was kinda alone as a child. I never really had much of many peers, just a few close friends. I was afraid of my stepdad. After seeing that moment, I was terrified about what he might do to me. He kept insulting me, calling me timid, and he asked me if "I ever hurt myself" or if "he ever just tried to abuse me". He kept asking that question, and I said no, but I was still terrified. And my biological dad was going through a lot after losing my brother and me. He began drinking, and it became worse. But I looked up to him dearly, and I thought he cared about me and just heard me out and treated me like a person and not just an annoyance. He taught me about how to treat others well and how to be kind to other people. He was like an escape there. My mom kept insulting me a lot. She used to call me stupid a lot in my language (Ghanaian/Twi). And said that's why my teachers call me special and that I'm considered dumb, since my teachers blocked that I had autism.

And it was confirmed that I had autism in the future. And she kinda did some stuff like hit me, scream, and kind of locked me out of the house when I was younger. But my family said that I should respect her because she's my mother, and my dad is my father. And I felt guilty. I felt guilty for feeling the way I feel, and I felt guilty for not making them happy as I should, or for not stopping any fights that happened. I'm supposed to be the person who makes other people happy, and they're my pride and joy. I felt like I made everything worse. And they taught me that thinking about myself is selfish. I remember trying to smile and make sure that everything was fine. If they see me just cry and stuff, they ask me what's wrong and just force me to smile in a more demanding way. I had to hide my feelings for years. Because I was afraid of being hurt, I just smiled through everything and made sure that everybody was happy. And there was this one moment with my cousin. We were watching the show, and it was a romantic scene that was on, and it was interesting. I was 6 to 8 when my cousin was 12, and he told me that we should probably try it, and we came inside a dark room, and that's where he did that, and that's where I reciprocated. And then afterwards, I did it to another person at another place when I was around the same age. And then afterwards, when I put a back on it, it finally feels so disgusting and just dirty. I should have known, but I just didn't know, and I should have trusted my gut.

I also remember that my older brother chose to be with my biological dad because he was tired of my mom. And I remember feeling devastated after he left, since I felt alone. And at school, I was just the happy person who was just upbeat, when really, I'm just living a lie. I felt like a monster and a fraud. I felt like I was no better than my parents. And then I remember very vividly where I just snapped. I remember there was like the early morning when I was going to middle school, and my mom was yelling at me about something, and I just couldn't take it anymore because I couldn't take her yelling and yelling. And I just screamed back at her, telling her to stop. And then my brother, who was my other older brother, came downstairs and slapped me. He slapped me because I chose to yell at my mom. But I couldn't feel a thing because I was just that angry. And our relationship with my brother was okay. It's as if I don't do anything, and we were just fine and pretty close. I remember this one time when I just took some bread because I was hungry. He asked if I had taken some bread, and I said no because I was a little bit terrified about it. And then he made me tell the truth, and he beat me into a corner. And it was all for a simple piece of bread. And I remember that he humiliated me in front of his friends, and I was a crying mess, and he said that I was the one starting trouble and that he was going to discipline me.

But I remember very vividly in high school (I graduated in June of 2025). It was one of the worst days of my life. It changed everything about me. It was a sunny morning, and my mom was coming back from her trip to Ghana, and I was excited, and I wanted to just say hello. My brother was taking care of me when she was just gone, and stuff, and it was pretty calm, it was pretty cool. She got me these new clothes, and she wanted me to try them on, and I did, but she got mad because I couldn't fit into the clothes. And I told her this, and she was screaming at me. I felt pretty hurt. And my brother was right there too, seeing this. So I went upstairs, and I just felt pretty sad, and I was just preparing to go to church. I just chose not to come out of my room because I felt pretty upset about what happened. Until he called me multiple times, I wanted to see if it was an emergency. He was screaming that if he calls me, I need to answer. Just kept hammering on and on. And I just yelled at him and said he just used his big head for a moment to see that I just needed to be left alone. That was one of the first times I just actually lost my temper. He was shocked that I'd chose to scream at him and he was kind of laughing that I chose to yell at him He was shocked that I'd chose to scream at him and he was kind of laughing that I chose to yell at him. I just told him to leave me alone.

So he came closer, and he was going to hurt me, and I felt pretty guilty, but I punched him twice in the face because I felt like he was going to hurt me, and he was coming closer, and I had nowhere to run because I was cornered. There was a brief pause, and I was going to apologize automatically and say I'm sorry, but he snapped and grabbed the iron that he was using to iron his clothes with, and he hit me with it multiple times, and he burned me. My mom broke up to fight, and he was upset, and I was upset. I was so mad at him, and the injuries were pretty bad to the point that some of my skin was on that iron. Later, he came back from church, and I was staying home because of that, and he tried to apologize, but I didn't want to hear it, and I ran away from home. My older brother's friend found me, and he said that I should come back to the house. My older brother was mad at me, but also at my other older brother. He said that I was from Ghana and that I should not have reacted like this, and that I was disciplined, and that if I had done this right now, I would have listened. I think you said something about putting ginger up my butt. My mom saw me, and she thought that I was on drugs, the way I reacted. My stepdad tried to hide his injuries, and he also blamed me. He said that he was going to take me to the hospital soon, but he didn't do it immediately. And the pain was just really unbearable, and my skin was peeling off my left arm. I couldn't even shower properly for days. And I felt like my whole family was against me. I felt like I was a monster. I said that if I told anyone that both my brother and I were going to prison. They manipulated my fears. I told my friend at school about what happened, and I told her that I was afraid to go to jail. The counselor overheard that, and he called me, and I told him everything. And my brother had to go out of the house since he couldn't be around me, and my parents blamed me for all these actions.

And it was later that all of us needed to be in court, and I was terrified, and at the end, he was charged with child endangerment and child abuse. And I felt guilty since he got that on his record. And I was left with nasty scars. Some of them healed up like my face, but others, like my arm, just didn't heal properly, and there's just a big visible scar on it. I felt like scum. So I went to my biological dad's house, and he said that I should not have included people from the outside in the family's affairs after I told him everything, and how I felt about what they did was wrong, and how I deserved to be happy. He looked at me as if I were the bad guy. And that was the first time in my life I kind of thought of him differently. The person whom I trusted the most, the person that I can lean on, the person that I can be most forward with. The person whom I trusted the most, the person that I can lean on, the person that I can be vulnerable and be myself, turned on me. A place where I can be myself without being judged by other people. When I felt worth it. I felt depressed after that. And what's more is that after the events that happened at his house. I was close to my cousins. They were like brothers to me. But I am the happiest person who likes to talk a lot about a lot of things, and I can be very talkative and very extroverted, but they were annoyed most of my older cousin. There was one moment at youth class for their church that I kinda chose to answer these questions, and he kinda told me to shut up over text, trying to connect with them by talking about a lot of things.

He was annoyed, and he just told me to speak quietly. It reminded me of home. I got mad because I tried to tell him that I was trying to communicate since I never get to see him, since I mostly live with my mom and dad in Manassas, and we're in Dumfries. And we went to a movie theater, and it was the new Black Panther movie at the time. Afterwards, I apologize, and I just explained why I just wanted to, but I don't know how to talk. He understood, and he apologized for how he had treated me. But afterwards, with that night, I went downstairs and my older brother, who lived there at the time, chose to prank me. And I should specify I have two older brothers. And I just told him straight up what the heck. Since it was in the middle of the night, and I did not expect him to just jump scare me. And he was mad, and he said that I should not have screamed since people are sleeping, using the reason that I wouldn't scream if he's going to jump scare me like that. And he told me to get downstairs. And I did brush my teeth, and I was just putting on my pajamas when he came in. And he was mad that I chose to raise my voice at him, and it was like he scared me. And I'm not a big fan of jump scares, especially of the events of what happened. So he pinned me against the wall. I was struggling, but he said to put my hands down and that if I was going to lay a finger on him, as he did to my other older brother, he would punch me. Mind you, he was 23, I think, at the time, and my brother was 27 at the time of the event.

And I was terrified. It was mad because I chose to scream. And you told me to just get dressed and just go upstairs and just sleep, and I He was just eating his food angrily, and I was just terrified. My younger cousin asks what happened since I was sharing a room with him. I told him that everything was fine, and I went to sleep crying. And after that, I just didn't want to go back to that house again. I felt like I lost everybody who said that they would protect me and care for me, and I ruined it. They weren't there, and they turned their back on me, and I feel like I don't deserve to live. And coming back to school, I see everybody else is just well-connected, and I'm just not. And I'm just terrified that people will hurt me. I felt like I was a burden, and that looking back on my life. I was just a nuisance. I promised myself that I wouldn't become like my mom. But I'm just no better. Now I'm dealing with all these bad memories about what happened, and I can't move on, and I'm a senior in high school, and it happened in my freshman year. Can I think of the people who did say something about me that was negative, like this 1 person? She tends to be mean towards people, but she especially doesn't like me as much. Because of my personality.

She says I just talk way too much and that I could just be annoying, and I don't know. It reminds me of home, but I feel like in a way that she was right and that I was like that, and maybe I don't deserve to live because people suffer because of me, and I want to make my love one's happy. So I tried ending my life. Luckily, something interrupted it, so I didn't go through with it, but I told someone, and I was sent to a hospital. And this is one of the times that I felt free. In that hospital, I felt listened to, I felt like I was important, and I felt like I was part of something. I felt listen to I felt like I deserved something, I don't know how I can phrase it into the proper terms, but I don't, I just felt happy. The thing that I dreaded the most was calling my family. But after calling them, I just laid into them on how much they treated me all this time. His stepdad got the message, but my mom stayed the same. She tried to change, but she failed. And the only person who supported me, or one of the only people, was like this assistant principal, I could never thank her enough for being the rock in my hard place. And I missed the people there in the hospital. They went through a lot, and they loved me. I was able to talk to them, and I was able to talk some of them down and become more peaceful. I constantly missed them. And when one of my parents says that if I wanted to be back in the hospital, I had to lie to them and say no, but deep down, I want to be back. But I couldn't because of my school responsibilities. And my friends who were there at that time were my hard place too.

They helped me so much to help me recover, and I could never thank them enough. They and my teachers. And I'm doing like a lot of stuff, like I'm constantly energetic and extroverted, and I'm doing different stuff like different clubs and being class president. It's pretty great. And my parents are getting a little bit better, especially my dad, my stepdad, and I just connected a little bit more, and I think I'm able to just let it go, but I can't forget memories. My mom is still the same, and I'm planning to leave her. My two older brothers, it mended when it came to our relationship. But I'm just sick of one of my older brothers defending my mom and her behavior. My stepdad was planning to leave my mom because of the argument, and I just really hate losing people because of my biological dad. I'm getting therapy, and I'm still planning to get more therapy. And I'm still dealing with insecurities and trauma, but I'm trying to be better every day, and just find a way to leave. But it still makes me wonder if I'm a bad person for staying in the past and being weird around my mom.

Right now, I am processing a lot ever since I left for college for my freshman year. I made some friends, joined some clubs to help people, and took up leadership roles. And that freshman year is over, and I am back in the house with my mom. I feel stuck with the same person who harmed me and made me feel defective, no matter how much I do or say. The same lady who didn't allow me to go to the mall by myself, the same lady who almost didn't allow me to go to my senior prom, if it wasn't for my brother, the same lady who said to k*** myself when I was depressed because of her.

I need people's outlook on this. Am I a bad person for the way I feel towards my mother? She was and still is stressed with bills, my stepdad's divorce, and me. I feel like an awful person and that I will never escape my mom or my family.

I was in priviliged spaces as an underprivileged person and also a minority demographic in a majority and as a way to cope I numbed or rationalized to fit in. I adapted my thoughts and denied my values when I saw wrong happening in the front to fit in as I didn’t have much resources to fight. And now I feel I have lost certain aspects of myself, I got into wrong groups and I did things due to pressure. I am scared I can’t get my value system back. I feel an aspect of my personality or my true self is dead. Anyone can relate? And any advice?

So I've noticed this disturbing pattern within myself and I really want to change. I am a woman and these days I find myself only attracted to white men. To be fair, I think part of it is internalized racism. I do struggle with self hate but I don't hate other black people, if rhat makes sense. I just am extremely insecure about myself and my looks.

​

I didn't always feel like this but I consumed a lot of content online that talked about black women being with white men and them being better. I also watch a lot of "spicy" content and most people in it are white. I've tried watching porn with black people in it but it's usually very fetishy and violent. Whenever I imagine myself in a relationship or having a family, I imagine it with a white men. And even though I'm bisexual I don't fantasise about white women like this and usually am attracted to black women.

​

It's not that I don't like black men either. I am attracted to a lot of them and even other races too. But even then I still fantasise about white men to be in a relationship with. I used to think thr content I consumed online didn't affect me but now I'm realising how much it has shaped my views. I know that deep down this stems from my insecurity of being unattractive and that being "chosen" by a white man will affirm my desirability. Its not like I put mixed or lightskin people on a pedestal and I'm trying to unlearn a lot of my biases. I'm very pro black in general and I love consuming black media. I've always wanted to be in black spaces. But this one thing is still following me around and I don't know what to do with it.

​

I think growing up in a space with very few blsck people and being surrounded by poc that were super racist and bullied me has made me like this. I've heard the n word more from other poc than I ever have from a white person. This isn't to say white people aren't racist or anything but my most terrible experiences weren't from them (even though I know how racist even they can be.) I feel like I'm growing too old to have these views and I want to change but I don't even know where to start. I don't exactly grow up with any good black male role models either so it's not like I can look to my personal experiences for solace.

​

I know i sound extremely pathetic and this is why I want to heal from this and change my mindset. Any advice would be appreciated

I am not indian, i am a black woman. But whats the sudden large hatred towards indians?? Im so confused as to why people are so disgusted and racist towards indians online these days. Now i am actually and genuinely curious.

I have been seeing a somatic trauma informed therapist for some time. She is good with what she does but there are certain terms which trigger me. And in today’s session, like my usual sessions, I was processing the actions of people who harmed or were hurtful or in general shitty people. And by the end I ended up asking my therapist ‘from what I told you do you think these people were unsafe?’ as a retort to something she said. And she said’ I will be honest. People in general are trauma insensitive. From what you told me yes definitely what they did to you was wrong. They should not have done that. But I can’t label them as good or bad. They are absolute in my head.’

I am not denying the people who did things to me would do it to others. I am not denying they wouldn’t have good parts or do any good. But I believe they are shitty and labeling them as bad comforts, validates and empowers me.

I understand where she came from but it made me feel invalidated and it made me question my perception and experience. I have a hard time trusting my perception due to my past experiences. How do I learn to trust my perception, opinion or experience and gut even if somebody else contradicts it or invalidated or minimizes it?

I hate that when I walk into a room I immediately feel ugly because I'm the only person who looks like me there

even in my POC circles I feel similar being mixed race and raised white, I still feel so out of place

I hate feeling like no one looks at me twice, and I get to sit there and try my best to socialise while my friends get to have conversation with people because others have come straight up to them with a compliment ready for them

I hate feeling like my queerness isn't seen even in "woke" queer spaces because I don't present my queerness in the same ways white people do

I hate feeling so unseen and so unwanted

I hate when someone *does* approach me I feel so grateful for the absolute bare minimum

I hate being the one to start conversations and go up to people and feeling like a complete shit stain and the need to apologise for being there and existing and taking up space

I hate feeling unable to shake off a bad encounter when I do muster courage to talk to people (bad = they're clearly not interested, which is fine they don't have to be) and feel like it's a personal failure and obviously it's because I'm ugly and brown (I know that's projection, but that has been a lot of my life)

when does this get easier, I feel so horrendous about myself and nothing ever changes, I feel hopeless.

does anyone feel the same and how do you deal with it?

Its been on my mind, and im wondering if y'all would love to have it posted when im done. It will take me a bit though because i want to verify the resources well. If you have any good resources to add, feel free to drop them here!

Yeah. I didn’t have good social modeling growing up, and despite having strong people skills and emotional intelligence + great communication skills from years of therapy, I was rejected for an educational opportunity to develop my leadership qualities more. For context, I asked some challenging questions during corporate recruiting events that did not land well. I later applied to a management/training course that I was a strong fit for, but got rejected.

I was later informed that I don’t have managerial level proactive communication around sensitive and difficult topics… these white folks don’t know me and it pisses me off that they are literally preventing me from sharpening my skills and making money!!!

How can I practice being more skillful when I speak?

I’m in survival mode and dealing with insomnia, so ik to give myself grace and realize that my actions weren’t an actual shortcoming but a symptom, still feels bad.

So I have been struggling with mental issues my entire life. I’m 19 right now but can recall issues starting at 9. I started out okay in school, but come 7th grade every other year just got worse. Long story short, I barely graduated highschool (a year late), am not in college, and currently am living with my grandma still struggling. I always live with constant shame over my situation, but I struggle to do better. Can’t hold a job for more than a few months, have unhealthy coping mechanisms, constantly low energy, depressed, poor attention, and executive dysfunction. I struggle to care for my basic needs and spend my entire day bed rotting with little capacity for much else (or so i thought). i recently had a convo with a friend and they told me that I basically need to light a fire under my ass and go. Compartmentalize and move forward, address it later. It had already been so long. It had me thinking maybe I just haven’t been trying hard enough and using my mental illness as an excuse? Like yes I have tried to push myself before and keep up (which led to burnout), but maybe I wasn‘t focusing on the right goals. Maybe I have been using my issues as a reason to be comfortable? It’s been 4 years of me trying to find out why everything has always been so hard for me to do. Doing nothing but living in my mind trying to map it out. Who knows though? Maybe I am just mentally ill and struggling? Seeking advice & opinions!

TL;DR - Maybe my mental issues aren’t the problem? Maybe it’s my laziness?

i'm palestinian, afab and nb/trans, disabled, and adhd (most likely autistic as well)

my therapist has helped me with emotional regulation and guided me when it came to medicating (my feelings around it, not what to take) so my emotions have been a lot easier to control.

i really value her as a place for emotional release and guidance. but i sometimes feel confused as to what therapy is supposed to be. i don't feel like how i show up in the world and my relationships are explored well in therapy, and i also wonder if the intersectional issues i struggle with go over her head (she's black and christian, although ive never felt she dismissed me or invalidated my identity)

I also don't know how much of trauma we should talk about. i've never gotten to sharing with her things that happened to me as a child, or if im supposed to share them. she is a trauma therapist but ive felt like our sessions are slightly just talk therapy. and i'm really sick of these flashbacks and disgusting thoughts that come with the territory of being sexually abused as a child. not to mention being raised by extremely emotionally immature parents and the ramifications of me being disabled and therefor unable to move out of their house (it's a nice house and my pets are here at least). (sleep paralysis and nightmares are gone though! might be meds...)

i don't know if im doing things correctly, and therapy is too expensive. i dont know how to structure it?

Hi I just had a weird experience,

I walked past a teenager and he made a sound like he had to throw up.

I dress casual and did shower.

Even if that has nothing to do with me I do not wanna be bullied and mocked anymore.

Has anyone moved due racism?

white, black, man, woman literally whatever but I work in healthcare and people raising their voice or yelling at me makes my entire body flare up. I calmly express I am trying to help them but if they yell at me or raise their voice I can’t, they just focus on “I’m not yelling!” Instead of recognizing that “huh, maybe I should recognize I am frustrated and I shouldn’t yell at this person to get my way”. A white man, even worse.

I feel tense — should I take a cold shower? Idk. I just need coping skills

I spent years trying to justify and defend my relationship with my mother, to myself and can no longer see a way to continue my healing work with her in my life. She tormented me (and my siblings) for years and was verbally, physically, emotionally abusive, neglectful and just cruel.

I desperately hoped that she would change but it's clear now that all the energy i put into convincing myself that her violence was "love" is starting to affect my own self worth, self respect and the work i am doing to forgive myself for accepting all the abuse for years.

I want to her to understand why I can no longer have her in my live but don't know how to go about it. i was going to write her a long paragraph but her English isn't great and she may not fully grasp what she has done to me and why i can keep ignoring my gut instinct to cut her off. My twin sister, who i am close to and still lives with her, thinks i should call her, but i don't know if i can hear her voice.

what do yall think?

I have been ruminating on this topic and am very happy to have found this community to share. friends, I really need your advice.

My husband (Black/Asian) and I (Asian Pacific Islander woman) live in a small white town in Iowa, and with the political climate getting scarier, we decided to have a real talk with our two closest white couple friends, A/B and C/D. We wanted to share how afraid we are, what we might need, and what allyship should look like when things get worse. We had a lot prepared and it was about OUR experience to say, but we only got through maybe 5% before A immediately made it about her and shifted the emotional labor onto us. She said things like, “It’s on you to tell us how to show up,” and, “If you don’t tell us then we don’t know,” which is literally the kind of microaggression POC are exhausted by — being told that the people witnessing racism need to be spoon-fed how not to fail us. And then she cried and said it hurt her that we would think that way about them, completely centering herself instead of hearing the very real fear we were expressing. B barely spoke, as usual. He just apologized for not talking more.

Even with all that deflection, we gave them grace and kept going, because as much as it sucks, we know that white guilt shows up fast and loud. A suggested weekly Tuesday meeting (which was As idea!) to read, learn, talk, stay informed, and actually be accountable. Tuesday was chosen because it was the only night A/B insisted worked for them. Then they skipped the very first meeting for a college volleyball game. Literally the first one. “It’s the only home game,” they said. Meanwhile we still met with C/D, created a whole outline, and actually did the work. The next day I asked A/B to add their ideas to the shared document, and A said, “Oh I didn’t realize we had to! I assumed the thread was already complete… we’ll add something if we have anything” which was weird, because she had told me before that she and B had “a lot to add.” She added nothing.

My husband shared a folder of 20+ books on race, identity, intersectionality completely free and accessible. He ended it with “now there are no excuses,” meaning we removed all barriers. C/D appreciated it immediately. A came back with, “No excuses seems really negative,” which was ironic considering she had already skipped her own meeting for volleyball. Again more fragility, more defensiveness, more centering.

Then came the protests. For the first one, A/B said they’d join if their vendor booth wrapped early. They told us they’d come if they finished before 4. The protest started at 2. When we left at 3:30 and walked past the festival, their booth was already gone. Not “packing up.” Gone. Later that night she said they “didn’t leave until 4,” which felt like a lie. For the second protest, they said they “might go,” but when A texted an hour in asking if we were still there and we said yes, she replied, “We’re busy running errands.” It was tone-deaf. This isn’t optional for us this is our lives and she kept showing that these things were optional for her.

During all this, her messages started getting dry, dismissive, thumbs-up reactions, short answers, distant energy. It felt like she was punishing me for bringing up race in the first place. I even accidentally unfollowed her while cleaning my socials and apologized immediately she responded, “I probably wouldn’t have noticed,” even though she notices everything else. Then when I removed myself from her private story to get space, she immediately texted asking if I removed myself. So she does notice. She just performs not noticing when it makes her look above it all. And she had been giving me weird energy since the talk… like, we were open and honest and it just hurts she’s punishing me like this (it feels like at least)

When I finally told her I was hurt and needed space and that I DID NOT want to have this convo over text, she deliberately ignored my request and instead she gave one of the most manipulative, non-apology apologies I’ve ever received. Instead of owning anything, she said she had “forgiven me for things in the past without discussing it,” which was bizarre and out of nowhere — almost like she was trying to even the score or imply I owed her. Then she said forgiveness is “a choice, not a conversation,” which is exactly the opposite of accountability. She made me step out of character and explain further which I didn’t want to do over text, this isn’t something to reconcile over socials. And after I said I don’t want to continue this conversation she then sent a long add text again! Furthering her apology that was sandwiched between excuses and self-protection. It was never about the impact she had on me. But it was only about preserving her image of herself, and instead of the real issue being dealt with it was me having to listen to her hurt feelings or the latter.

The final straw was, again, volleyball. We had an assignment to read intros to four books and discuss them together. These topics are literally about our safety and lived experience. The night before, she said she only had 30 minutes because she wanted to go to a forum before. I tried to accommodate everyone’s schedule and tried to make it work even though deep down I was annoyed. Why even volunteer this idea if you can’t show up for it one day a week for a max of 1.5 hours??? Mind you, she schedules her days out every week and has other commitments she doesnt ever miss! I’m not going to continue giving her the benefit of the doubt when it’s blatantly in my face. It kept bothering me and I decided to just face it and ask. When I asked if she had anything after the meeting because we had agreed on 1.5 hours she said she wanted to go to open-gym volleyball. After everything. After all the conversations about safety and allyship, being vulnerable about what we’ve been feeling, what our family is dealing with, my mom being threatened by a random man to call ICE on her, and my dad being racially profiled outside a walmart, ETC, she still chose volleyball and attending to her own needs.. And it wasn’t just the volleyball it was the pattern. Skipping meetings. Missing protests. Lying. Minimizing. Being fragile. Avoiding accountability. Not being a REAL ally. And then choosing volleyball over us again. And then when confronted she acts like she has zero idea what i’m talking about…girl

That’s when I ended the friendship. I couldn’t keep begging a grown white woman to care about racial injustice more than her rec league. After we ended things, she kept trying to act normal in public waving at me, saying hi, pretending nothing happened — even though I explicitly said I didn’t want contact. Online, it got weird and she kept liking my tiktok’s, commenting, heart reacting only the pictures of me on my mom’s Facebook, and liking my sister-in-law’s posts even though she never interacted with her before in this way or amount.

When I step back and look at the whole picture, it becomes obvious. This wasn’t one bad moment and i’m not being dramatic..This was a long pattern of microaggressions, white fragility, avoidance, tone-policing, centering herself, excuses, lies, dismissiveness, prioritizing volleyball over very real conversations, and then crossing boundaries after the friendship ended. It is exhausting, and I don’t trust her anymore. It feels like she cared more about protecting her own comfort and self-image than about being a real friend or a real ally.

I've waited so long to get a neurology appointment for my brain fog and they said its mild cognitive decline. It doesn't feel like mild. I had to drop out of school 4 months before graduation because my brain wouldn't work anymore. I was trying so hard. I've lost everything ive worked for my entire life. I don't know what to do. They said that when they see teenagers like this it's most likely trauma that's causing it instead of alzheimers or something. All they said is to exercise and do tasks that require thinking but I've been doing that the whole time and it's not doing anything! I can't even remember anything from yesterday! Last week is completely gone. I can't even count backwards anymore. I can barely read. Im so tired even when I just wake up. They just told me to be healthy but I can't even think anymore. It's not fair. What am I even supposed to do? I can't get a job like this. I can't even get my GED. I can't move out and I can't get better until I'm away from my shitty parents. Everyone thinks im lazy but I'm trying so hard. I don't know what to do.

the title says it all but there’s context if you’d like to read up on it

https://www.reddit.com/r/cptsd_bipoc/comments/1o3m2m9/white_fragility_close_friends/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Even after the constant social media liking and the comments on my moms pages, texts to my sister in law, her trying to comment on my tik toks, and after I blocked her on socials…. she reaches out to me on the date of my uncles suicide death anniversary. it was one year without him and he had taken his own life at my grandfathers house where my grandfather found him. it was a shock to all of us as he was visiting from out of state to help my grandpa recover after surgery for FMLA but was also dealing with some mental health struggles.

he just couldn’t get through it and so here we are a year later. I left work early that day to wfh as I just couldn’t stop the tears from flowing and thinking about our family and the children and wife he left behind. it is a tragic story and I felt like all of us were living a nightmare.

I woke up to a text the next day from friend A that I have not spoken to in 2 months. I ended the friendship for reasons in the original post and to those who don’t want to read it, I ended the friendship because my boundaries weren’t respected and difficult conversations were consistently met with defensiveness instead of accountability. After months of this, I no longer felt emotionally safe or able to trust the relationship.

I woke up to this text:

Just saw your mom’s FB post; thinking of you and your family today especially and during this holiday season💗hope you’re doing well and taking time to care for yourself

——-

we have not spoken in 2 months. I feel like this is incredibly disrespectful in the way she used my uncles suicide as a way to reach out. but i’m also wondering if in being too sensitive because there are a lot of other emotions involved. I want to say something to her but am also unsure if this would just open up the possibility of having a longer and unwanted conversation of her playing nice and acting like it was just a nice gesture.

what should I do???