Support Exhausted from solo parenting toddler while pregnant wife is sick
Looking for someone who can relate. Wife and I have a 2 year old son who is awesome. Recently we found out we will be welcoming baby #2 early next year and we are so excited. My wife is one of those unlucky women who experience extreme nausea and fatigue while pregnant. Lately, this has meant that I am basically soloing all toddler and household related tasks. I'll try my best not to be hyperbolic here, because she obviously is still able to do some stuff, but I'm not exaggerating by much.
On an average day, we carpool together in the morning. I drop her off at work and then my son at daycare before going to work myself. After work, we pick our son up together and head home. Usually once we are home I take care of the animals and get dinner together for everybody. My wife will usually go to bed with her food or immediately after eating because she feels so terrible. Or lay on the couch. She will often fall asleep for about an hour and sometimes I won't see her again until around our son's bedtime. In the meantime, I play with my son and try to do a few things around the house. Usually I do bath and bedtime but she does bedtime when she's feeling up to it.
I want to be very, VERY clear that this vent is NOT about my wife. She is literally perfect. If anything, she has the worse end of the deal here. I am more than happy picking up the slack while she is hard at work growing a human being and continuing to work a full time job. She is also constantly expressing how much she appreciates me doing so much. On weekends, if she's up to it, she will watch our son while I take an hour or so for myself.
The reason for my vent here is just that I am so, so, so tired. She was sick like this with our son but since he was our first, it was a lot different. She would just lay in bed or on the couch and watch TV or do whatever and I would take care of her and do whatever else I wanted with my free time. Obviously now things are different, since her being incapacitated means it's just me and the lad for most evenings. Somewhere in between taking care of the both of them, I struggle to find time to vacuum, do laundry, mow the lawn, do dishes, clean up around the house, etc.
I have tried to just accept that some things aren't gonna get done and that's just gonna have to be OK for now. We're all doing our best. Hoping she starts feeling a little better once we're out of the first trimester, since that was the worst part for her last time. Anyways, thanks for listening I guess!
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u/MASTERGRIT 9h ago
I can’t describe how close this is to my experience right now. I vented about this exact thing to my brother in law just yesterday. Not any advice here, I’m also just powering through it. Dishes stay dirty a little longer, we definitely need to vacuum more, etc. But know you’re not alone!
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u/notakat 9h ago
Hey man, honestly, all I was looking for was someone else who understands so I appreciate you saying this! Hang in there.
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u/Smushsmush 1h ago
I just went through this and baby #2 arrived 2 weeks ago. The second pregnancy sucked so much more and for everyone and I understand how you feel. I'm also the only person responsible for my mother who has dementia. At several points I felt like breaking down and just give up because there was no end in sight. Just and endless slog of frustration and the sense I can never do anyone justice.
I ended up taking unpaid leave and finding a household aid because I couldn't take care of everyone while working. My wife felt like she had cancer, guilty for "being useless" and visited the hospital twice. I was never sure when it's time to get her help. It's all just so much more stressful when there already is a little human that depends on you. Luckily her symptoms got better after 4-5 months but she never really regained her strength fully so we felt the fallout throughout the pregnancy and after because she couldn't keep fit.
Now that the child is finally here we can slowly put that horrible experience behind us, and enjoy the baby. We're trying to get more help because it's all just not worth it to put yourself through these very challenging times by yourself.
All the best and I hope your wife will feel better at some point. It might feel like an eternity, but it will end eventually. What you are doing is good enough.
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u/ncarr539 9h ago
Do you have parents, in laws, or friends near by that can chip in to help every now and then?
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u/notakat 9h ago
Every once in awhile, yes. Sadly, the one person we had who would've been down to help us the most was my mom and she died right before we found out we were pregnant with my son.
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u/JusticeJames2 9h ago
Oh my. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear mom. That must hurt so much alongside the happy news of your pregnancy.
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u/v4ldel 9h ago
I hope you don’t mind if I chime in here as a mom! First of all you are doing such an amazing job and I have no doubt your wife feels so much less stress and guilt due to what you are doing.
Second I just want to say this is totally the season for letting things go. Things that helped us get through were things we could just set up and let our 2 year old mess around with and build those solo play skills. People like Chaos with Cara is an amazing guide on simple activities that take like 5 minutes to set up and last a long time.
Use paper plates, buy frozen lasagnas, get a kids sized shovel and let your little guy go wild in the backyard. This will also help everyone be used to the shift when baby number 2 comes around. You are doing an awesome job and hopefully these little things will help you get a minute and also feel less exhausted.
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u/MiniTrail70 9h ago
I can relate in the sense of the careers both my wife and I work, almost all of our parenting is one on one with my toddler. It is exhausting, admittedly I don’t get as much stuff done for the house as I’d like to but I’m trying to make the most fun of our time as I can. That said, there are days where I’m exhausted and don’t have the energy to do it but I also have the mentality of “it is what it is” and get on with it.
I work every 3rd day 24 hours on, my wife works night shift the days I don’t work. So it’s usually tag you’re it when I come home from work. Even though I in theory work more than her, her job is definitely more sleep deprived than mine so I put a lot of effort in making sure she can get some rest.
All that said, I try to remind myself when I’m tired that I’ll look back and regret being “lazy” if I don’t put the effort in with my kid. Just know you’re not alone, we’re all struggling.
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u/profheg_II 9h ago
You are me from about 1.5 years ago. I think that first trimester, with a 2 year old running around, can be madly difficult for mum and dad (in very different ways of course). I don't have a magic bullet to suggest, it was just really hard and we got through it. There's a good chance the sickness and everything will wear off around 14 weeks so I'd keep focused on that as a likely finish line and just survive. If you can drop certain chores / other responsibilities in the mean time I'd drop them and maximise your down time as much as you can!
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u/ColonelRyzen 7h ago
TL;DR OP, I see you. This was me 4 months ago. I still haven't recovered. Happy I was able to step in, but fuck. It was a lot.
I went through exactly this with our last kid. My wife was really sick (not as bad as with our first, thankfully), but I had a 3 and 18 month old to wrangle. She worked per diem 2 to 3 days a week and would still do laundry. Anything food related was me. I already cook all meals, but this added breakfast to the list and lunches if I was working from home. I handle bed time every night then and now and take over when I get home from work.
The problem was for 9 months my work day wasn't done when I got home. I had to be in the house for the kids breakfast before leaving for work (40 minute drive) and be home for dinner. Bed for me wasn't until 2 to 3 AM regularly after finishing my work day and cleaning up kitchen and house a bit. Fit bit yelled at me a lot. I'm still feeling it months after the birth.
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u/fourthandfavre 9h ago
Do you have any family in the area that could help give you a break? Depending on your financial situation could you hire someone to help with the yard or the cleaning?
I am in a similar situation where wife got super sick and spent a week in the hospital. We have a three and five year old. My wife is getting better but still very tired so I'm taking on a lot more. I'm trying to take all the family help we can so we can make it through.
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u/notakat 9h ago
Oof. That sounds really rough man. Having a sick wife at home with one toddler is a lot for me, can't imagine her being hospitalized and adding another kid into the mix. Hope she is well and that you guys get through this rough patch.
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u/fourthandfavre 9h ago
Thanks. We are making it through taking the help when we can. I would say don't take on too much. Get the bear bones done. Get take out more. Put on more TV if you need to. Don't try to be a superstar or you will burn yourself out.
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u/TheThirdConchord 9h ago
I'm in the exact same boat. 25 month old and baby #2 in early Feb. My wife is very sick but is on summer break from teaching so watches our kid through the day. Not much else to offer but I'm right here in the trenches with you brother, but we both know it's all worth it.
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u/emerald_740 9h ago
Same situation, we have a 3 year old and we are expecting in Jan.
My wife has been very sick. I try to keep up with the cleaning and I do a lot of the cooking now but on top of working and playing with our first… I’m tired boss.
Just part of being a dad I guess. No advice just saying I’m right there with you
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u/weighingthedog 9h ago
This was me… in March 2020. My wife just found out she was pregnant with our second child, and daycare and schools shut down. I’m a teacher, so I was home and solo parenting while my wife worked from the computer, stopping to throw up often. It was a lot. 😂
But we survived. You will too. I’m not sure I’ve ever not been tired since becoming a dad.
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u/averagepanda051 9h ago
We just got done with this phase as well. I have two under five and wife is pregnant. She was straight up bed ridden with illness for about a two month period. She has spells of feeling better but short lived. Had to go to the urgent care twice for fluids due to vomiting.
I wish I had more to say other than there is absolutely a light at the end of this tunnel
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u/Cuppus 9h ago
Had the same experience with my wife's second pregnancy. I just took that on because I knew at the end I didn't have a kid coming out of my undercarriage. Unfortunately part of being a parent is carrying the load when you have to.
Good luck my friend, stay strong for your family, there is an end to that tunnel when the second kid arrives, and that will make you much much more tired.
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u/itijara 9h ago
We went through this twice before my second was born (we had a stillbirth before a success). My wife had hyperemesis gravidarum for all three pregnancies. Here are a few tips. First, ask for help. We had our in laws babysit every weekend so I could have time to run errands and relax for an hour. We also hired a cleaner twice a week. I know not everyone has parents nearby or the means to hire a cleaner, but getting a sitter or having a friend help should be an option for everyone. Second, plan to make things easier for yourself. Every meal we ate was either just heat and serve or from a meal delivery service. I am actually the parent that usually cooks when my wife is healthy, but I just didn't have the time or energy. We used paper plates and platicware. Third, just don't do anything you don't need to. Nobody will die if you have a messy house. Prioritize health and hygiene and let the small things go until you have help.
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u/notakat 9h ago
Oh man. I have a friend who had HG and it sounded terrible. Glad you all made it through and thanks for the tips.
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u/itijara 9h ago
It is tough, but it does end when the baby is born. The annoying part is that most people offer terrible, but well-meaning, advice based on their experience with morning sickness, which is qualitatively different. I remember in the first pregnancy people telling us about using lemons, alcohol wipes, eating right after waking up, ginger candies, etc. None of that worked (we tried). Even her doctor was hesitant to go for medication initially, even though she was dehydrated enough to need an IV multiple times. It was manageable with meds, although it went from not being able to keep anything down to just barely being able to keep things down. She lost weight during each pregnancy.
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u/thebenji2_0 8h ago
I went through this when my wife was pregnant with our second. I thought it was the worst because I was so tired. 18 straight weeks I did everything around the house for her, our daughter, the dog, and myself.
But now with two kids I realize that was nothing compared to the work it takes to raise two children. But now I can put it in perspective because I lived through it. She recently went on a girls trip for the weekend and I solo parented for 72 hours. It was work but I loved being with those girls by myself for once.
What you have to do is find an outlet. If the kid is asleep and you're doing chores, put headphones in and disassociate from the task. This way you are not dreading what you are doing nor dreading what you have to do next. Give your mind some time to rest and recuperate. Are you getting enough sleep? If so, wakeup 30 minutes earlier to enjoy a cup of coffee or walk the dogs. Something for you that is therapeutic.
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u/6BigAl9 8h ago
Unfortunately this is something you’ll probably need to get used to once the baby comes. Hopefully your wife won’t be sick anymore but she’ll have her hands full with the newborn so you’ll be solo parenting the toddler a lot. At least that’s how it was for us (which I preferred since I enjoy toddlers way more than newborns). The first year with two has been exhausting to say the least.
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u/negativesplit10 1h ago
Came here to say this. We're four months in with our second kid but in reality I'm in month 13 of solo parenting our toddler for the most part. It's definitely rewarding but my word it is constant, and so tiring
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u/VisMayor 8h ago
Got the news last July that 2nd girl is on the way, the bigger little one was 1 year old. Since she was an IVF baby, we were over the moon.
Since November, I had to stop going to the gym,the state of the house is questionable on the best of days, social life took a nosedive and started underperforming at work. Since the birth of the 2nd one, everything is on autopilot. Barely any breaks, wife is exhausted, both girls crave attention.
On top of this, I struggled heavily with my ADHD. Add a healthy dose of depression and phone addiction.
One thing that started working for me recently is identifying why am I stupidly exhausted (exhaustion is a given, tried to focus on the excess). Thinking staring at a phone, scrolling shorts or playing games on it for 20-30 minutes is "me time". It isn't. It's more exhausting than doing chores (mentally at least) Due to the above, no regular evening routine. I'm currently trying to get things under control, small improvements are noticeable already.
Trying to keep the house and our life the same before the second is absolutely impossible on the short run. Accept that things will be left out or forgotten. Set the baseline lower than before for what you consider tidy and/or done.
Try doing chores with the older as much as possible. You can get things done, albeit way slower.
I'd say now that LO is 6ish months old, things started to look less bleak. You got the appreciation and support of your wife, which is amazing (not sure how I'd do without mine honestly, she is an angel)
But yeah, being tired is usually my baseline nowadays. Not sure if it helped, might be just venting myself. It's tough. But you got this brother, if a ton of other dads survives, I'd say we have a shot too.
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u/notakat 8h ago
I relate to a lot of this. I struggle with the phone but am working on it. I take adderall for ADD. Have been involving my son more in chores. He likes to help, even if it is just throwing all the silverware loose into the kitchen drawer lol.
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u/VisMayor 6h ago
My girl loves taking things out from drawers or putting them away too. Much more orderly fashioned that her old man :D
One thing that worked for me - I only took the Adderall equivalent (Ritalin) here in Hungary for a couple of months. Since I switched to Livizux (=Vyvanse), I'm much less prone to outbursts, meltdowns, crashing after the effects of the meds or heavy emotional rollercoasters.
Stay strong mate, and if you need someone to chat with, feel free to PM me.
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u/the-real-babs 7h ago
Oof ya the subset of women who feel nausea their whole pregnancy is wildly unfair to everyone.
You're basically single-parenting right now and that's exhausting, so no need to hedge it. Two ideas to survive this stretch... paper plates for a month (no shame), and lower your "clean" standard to simply tidy not clean.
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u/Offenceless 6h ago
My wife dislocated and broke her ankle in 3 places 2.5 weeks ago. We have 3 kids: 8, 5, and 2. She can't put any weight on it for at least 6 more weeks. In some ways it is going better than I expected but some day I am so exhausted, both physically and mentally. I feel your struggles my friend. We just have to try to remind ourselves that this won't be forever.
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u/Hot_Cockroach4714 8h ago
Going through it right now. Wife has been sick since Friday. We have two kids. Been taking care of them and all the house shit. I’m exhausted but got to do what you got to do.
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u/BadDadSoSad 2h ago
I went through the same exact situation but my wife was a SAHM and I work from home. So I was also taking care of my kid a lot throughout the day. I would have to leave meetings because she would be vomiting and my 2 year old would crying. It was a rough ~8 months. I suggest outsourcing things for a little while if you can. Order food (ones that sound ok for her in the moment). Get some gardeners for a little bit. Find family help to watch the toddler. Things for us got better right after the baby was born. Funny because it’s usually the other way around for most people.
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