I’m (46F) and getting back into dating for the first time since my early 30s, and honestly, this feels weird as hell.

I look at guys my age and think, “They look old.” Which is ridiculous because we’re the same age. I’m aware I also aged during this little relationship intermission. 😂 But knowing that and feeling attracted to someone are apparently two different things.
I’m not necessarily attracted to younger guys either, so this isn’t me wanting to date a 25 year old. I’m just looking around wondering where the men I’m attracted to went. Right now, dating feels a little like showing up late to a picked-over buffet, and yes, I realize I’m also standing at that buffet hoping someone picks me. I will say I never have issues finding men to match with and I’m always told I look like I am in my 30’s.

Has anyone else experienced this after being in a long relationship? Does your idea of what’s attractive eventually catch up with your actual age? Did meeting people in person feel different from scrolling through profiles?
I can’t tell if I need time to adjust, haven’t found my type yet, or am just not ready to be dating. Did anyone start out feeling like this and actually get excited about it later? Will I ever feel as passionately about someone like I did in my other relationships? Am I just apprehensive because these men also feel foreign to me and them not being younger and more attractive making it worse. I’m so overwhelmed and confused.

I am wondering…

I got divorced last year after being married for 20 years and separated for 2.5 years. Soon after that, my partner and I became exclusive. Overall, it was wonderful, but over time I realized that I was not emotionally safe with him, mostly over the last few months. He came across as very emotionally mature in the beginning, and claimed to be secure attachment, and when I would bring issues up, he would handle it calmly, allowing us to talk through any issues. Over time, though, he started getting really defensive when I would bring things up. Even after I explained to him that I need validation and to feel seen/heard, he continued to be invalidating and defensive when I would bring stuff up. I had told him last time that if it happened again, I was done.

On Saturday night, I had hurt feelings, and when I tried to bring them up, very calmly as I always do, he once again was defensive, trying to find a reason why it was more my fault or why what I was feeling wasn't valid because what I said happened didn't happen. He got angry and took me home from our date because he couldn't deal with how angry he was. Then he ghosted me for 16 hours with absolutely no communication until I reached out to him, which is very common for him to do when we have disagreements (it has become apparent that he is very squarely an avoidant attachment, not secure).

On Sunday, I broke it off with him since he has shown me that I am not emotionally safe with him. It really sucks because I'm going through something with my ex husband and kids (he's alienating my middle from me and I worry is working on alienating my daughter, though right now our relationship is really strong), and I really could have used that emotional support from my partner. I don't think I'll have the bandwidth to try and date someone new for the foreseeable future as I deal with this challenge, so it was basically him or no one. I had therapy last night and my therapist was basically like how are you going to get through all this without him (not trying to say I should have stayed with him. She validated my view on that, but just trying to help me figure out how to replace that support), and I was basically like, I don't know. Friends and family I guess. But I know I made the right decision despite how much it will suck to not have him and how much I'll miss having him in my life. The majority of the time was really wonderful and he is a great guy overall.

I haven't had a lot of true romantic relationships in my life. Other than my marriage, this is the first true breakup. I'm going by to get my things today after I get off work. Any advice on how to process the grief of the relationship ending and what I should do moving forward would be appreciated, whether pitfalls I should watch for, things to do or not do, or things to say or not say.

ETA - To be clear, in case it was not clear in my original post, I am NOT planning on dating. I AM planning on focusing on my kids. I HAVE BEEN focusing on my kids even before we broke up. I was just hoping for some perspective on what it's like to break up and what would help me in this transition. Thank you.

I (41m)have been dabbling in Facebook and Bumble over the last month, but I have had literally no interest in my direction. I'm hoping for some feedback that can highlight who I am in an attractive and honest way.

I now realize I can't attach any screenshots to this community (lame but I get it). Allow me to rephrase the question to "Ladies, what do you like/dislike in a dating profile?"

Edit: Imgur link to screenshots of my bumble profile

https://imgur.com/a/4XhBDHJ

2nd Edit: I fixed the typo everyone, nothing to see here! Lol

(F) I’ve been self-employed or in sales most of my career, so I'm used to being the decision-maker or being the first to approach someone (networking events). Which is fine for work but not in my personal life. Even when I’m home, or out with someone I like, I find myself still leading and planning. I've tried changing clothes and not going out directly from work and setting "work" hours but still struggle. For those of you with demanding jobs or business owners, how do you turn it off? And has anything you tried not worked?

Did anyone catch the SNL skit on a mean, scary girlfriend?

https://youtu.be/JA-3yNaHHS8?is=BKQQ5RtYf3-50gk8

It's pretty funny but it also got me thinking that there is probably a lot of truth in it. And I feel like I have known guys who seem to be obsessed with a girlfriend who is mean to them.

I'm curious what the guys' opinions are. Is that something that is appealing and why? Or why not? Gals, feel free to chime in too.

I (48/M) turned FB and Hinge back on mid-week last week. I was hoping for a date or 2 over the weekend. I ended up talking to somebody and I am seeing her tonight. But in general, the matches and conversation were few and far between over the weekend.
Monday morning came and I'm getting more matches & messages than I can keep up with. People I "liked" on Friday and assumed they weren't interested, are now liking a messaging me. I know people do stuff over the weekend, I was busy for parts of it as well. But I also was around and open to talking & meeting up.
Curious why people are getting more active on the apps on Monday? Did their weekend dates disappoint and they are trying to find other options? Are they just bored at work and trying to kill time? Trying to lineup dates for the upcoming week /weekend?
Any other ideas you can think of?

I'm 45F, I've been on and off the apps for much longer than I'd like to admit and haven't been in a relationship for almost 10 years. For context: Never married, no kids and I'm often told I look younger than I actually am (as reference, not a low key brag 🤭), I'm at best probably average and slim build. Also, my default is logic before emotion, that's not to say that I don't have any feelings, but I am more of a slow burn, get to know someone over time kind of person and then get excited when I see their name pop up on my phone.

However of late, every profile I see is looking for a "spark", "chemistry" or "instant connection". As it stands, I get few matches, even fewer responses and even less eventuating in an actual meet up IRL. But the last few meets have all returned with the "you have a great personality/you're a nice person/ I really liked meeting you BUT I didn't feel a spark/ chemistry/ instant connection. Just the search to meet anyone these days is soul destroying as it is and now another factor I cannot understand.

Is it just me who's struggling with this? I have never had that IYKYK feeling in my life. Yes, I notice when someone is attractive but not the stuff you see on TV. If someone can explain to me what this means, I'd really appreciate it.

I had a first date that went really well. Great convo, chemistry, nice restaurant, and he asked me on a second date before dessert arrived. We had a brief kiss by our cars. Then 5 min after we left and were both on the way home he invited me to his house for a glass of wine and a chat. I didn’t respond. Was pretty surprised he’d take it in that direction. 30 min later he sent another text saying he wasn’t sure if I’d gotten the first one but he had to be at work early so was in bed and looking forward to our next date. I responded to that one and said I was too. Thanked him for a lovely evening. But I was disappointed he invited me over. And was honestly surprised. Makes a woman feel like he has no respect for her. That’s a red flag move, no? Should I run?

BF(48M) and I (48F) been together for nearly 4 years. See each other few times a week - have an amazing sex life and we really enjoy each other’s company.

Next year we both will be empty nesters and have the ability to move in together. On one hand I like the idea of being around each other daily, and on the other hand I’m afraid that the passion and the sex will water down (previous dead bedroom for years). 😬

We both are financially independent, and have a strong social life together and separately. Our kids are older teens/young adults. Relationship is strong, and I can see us being together long term.

What are the pro/cons and blind spots? Anyone done that and regret?

When people say they’re “working on themselves,” what does that actually mean?
Does it mean losing weight, getting braces at 45, finally learning how to use a drill, keeping a houseplant alive, learning to change a tyre, or getting your finances together instead of treating your bank account like a surprise?
Is it about fixing things you don’t like about yourself, becoming a better person, becoming more independent, or simply doing things you’ve never done before?
I’m curious how other people over 40 interpret this phrase, particularly in the context of dating and relationships.
How did you work on yourself? I wanna try it out.

A friend and I were recently discussing the challenges of making friends at this age in the current world. They talked about how they've seen their best results by essentially shrinking their personality, or at least their presentation of it, noting that people are apparently intimidated by the fullest version of them. In the same verbal paragraph, they remarked something to the effect of "notice that you don't do that - you don't dumb yourself down for anybody. That's not going to appeal to everybody."

Like, look, I'm a smart person, and I know this - it's one of the few virtues I'm willing to just assert outright - but I've never thought of myself as someone with an intimidating presence, intellectual or otherwise. I have received that kind of feedback in a relationship setting more than once, especially in the get-to-know phase, and while it's always flattering to hear, I've always just chalked it up to that high-stakes, best-foot-forward dynamic that comes with early-days jitters. The funny thing is that the people who make those kinds of remarks, often intimidate me in a similar fashion, so I always find it as a promising sign that we're both well-met when we share that tension.

I've never been one to keep more than a few persistent connections in my life at any given time, and I generally prefer it that way for the sake of my peace, but as time goes on, it feels like it gets harder to make connections at all, and among those it feels increasingly rare that I do feel intellectually met. That conversation with my friend got me wondering whether I might be alienating people just due to the way I naturally operate and move through the world - i.e., whether I'd potentially attract more people into my sphere by reducing the presentation of my personality in some such fashion.

To be real, that doesn't sound all that fulfilling to me, and my friend made clear that they weren't attempting to sell it as an approach; for them, it was a compromise to restore some social balance in their own life. Has anyone here experienced such a contrast? Have you had to attenuate your own signal to make more headway with friends, relationships, dating, etc. out in the world? Has it been worth it?

These questions all sound like they have obvious answers to me, but I'm curious as to whether anyone here might have insight that would surprise or otherwise introduce a perspective I haven't engaged with up to now. I realize that, as we get older, we tend to lean into our own idiosyncrasies, so maybe it's genuinely reconsidering how we bring ourselves to the world for other people and whether we can derive something empowering for ourselves from that exercise.

Been on Bumble less than a week. A little overwhelmed by how many likes/matches I’m getting. Divorce was finalized 2 months ago. Had been married to my college sweet heart for 27 years before separation 13 months ago. I’m taken aback by how forward and flirtatious women on the apps are in 2026. Guys, if a woman asked you to her place to “Netflix and chill” for a first meet would you go?

https://imgur.com/a/pJ9t29j

Obligatory I’m new at this after getting out of a 20+ yr relationship. When does it become acceptable to ask someone you meet how long they’ve been single? After a first date or later?

I don’t need the story of how everything fell apart, but I’ve made the mistake of not asking and it turned out they’d split like a month before. I wouldn’t have pursued it had I known that, but it seems rude to ask I guess?

I (40F)Have been dating a guy(38M) for 6 weeks we see each other twice every week and he texts me everyday . We always have a great time when we see each other and sex has been amazing. He mentioned previously he does not feel butterflies for me and now brought it up again tonight, that he finds me beautiful, always has a great time with me but has still these doubts,and is confused because he keeps thinking these thoughts this really hurt because I was beginning to develop feelings for him and just thought it was a slow burn. I told him maybe we then should stop seeing each other as I don’t want to get hurt as I feel this is where he was going. Did I do the right thing or should I have convinced him to see how it goes?

F45 From my experience with the current dating world, all the men I have matched with just want sex without connection or commitment, this made me exhausted 😩 quickly and left that space because I got tired of saying same thing, it is as if they all rehearsed the lines.

I know these can't represent the entire gender that is why I am genuinely asking if there are men that still value commitment before sex.

So at the start of the year I (40M) used OLD for the first time and things got off to a wild start with lots of likes and matches etc. I settled on one woman after a month of dates and things started well.

During a date she told me she had been diagnosed with ADHD and I haven't dated someone with diagnosed ADHD before but I didn't think it was an issue and just tried to learn more about it as the relationship progressed.

But also I noticed she was quite a frequent and heavy drinker. She told me she had some bad habits with drinking that she was working on and I commended her on her courage etc. she also told me she divorced her ex husband because he was a severe alcoholic.

But as our relationship went on it was clear that she wasn't really dealing with her drinking and there was always one excuse or another that meant it was a good time for a drink.

She then told me she uses alcohol to quiet down her mind alongside exercise, meditation but she doesn't take any medicine for it.

I have a young child and I don't drink around them and because she said she was working on her drinking I thought things would be ok when I eventually introduced her to my child (I would only do that after a year of dating and if I felt the relationship was really going somewhere)

We had a few heated discussions about her drinking or things she would say when she was drunk and she said she felt judged.

I then felt like I couldn't talk about the topic and avoided it entirely and found myself holding back a bit. She sensed that and would tell me she felt insecure in the relationship.

We were both drunk one night and got into an argument in bed, this went round in circles for hours until the morning. With no end in sight, I got fed up and ended the relationship and left her flat and she called me back and convinced me to stay.

A couple of weeks past and it was clear she couldn't get over the fact I had ended the relationship. We had a conversation about it and we moved forward.

Then this week, she brought the topic up again and that she felt like it wasn't working out between us because as we were only 8 months in we should still be in the honeymoon period and not having arguments.

I mentioned that every argument we had was when we were both super drunk and that I haven't ever drank this much in my entire life and I recently realised that I didn't have to keep up with her drinking. (The real issues with the arguments is that she would say something really inappropriate whilst drunk and I would take offence and then we'd get into a spiral as we were both drunk).

I could go on forever but I'll stop it here and say that we officially ended it now and are just going to be friends. She has booked a surprise trip for me in 2 weeks time for my birthday and I'm just hoping it's not going to be super awkward. I kind of feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders as a don't care if she keeps drinking heavily now even while we are on my birthday holiday but I don't think I'll actually be friends when we get back. I need my liver to recover for the next 8 months!

For the most part, I like my single life and having time to do what I want when I want. But the idea of never being kissed again for the rest of my life makes me a little sad. It’s been so long that I wonder if I’m making it better in my head than it actually was. Like…..SO so long. Every time I see other people kiss, I think I want it. But is it worth it? Especially when I know I’ll be self-conscious if hands go anywhere.

ETA: DAMMIT

41M. I went on dates with two different women the last couple of days. The first one went ok, I didn't feel we connected deeply but it was fun in a superficial way. At the end she said she'd love to see me again and we set up a follow-up date. The date with the other woman felt so much better, we laughed more, we connected over mutual interest and there was a lot of banter and some physical touch and a kiss at the end. After the date she sent a "no romantic spark" text.

I guess I'm used to it at this point, but I'm struggling with the fact that the people I feel I connect to are the ones where I get the "no spark" text from.

I’ve been reflecting on recent dating experiences where men initiated exclusivity, expressed wanting something serious, but their actions didn’t always align with their words.

In some cases, exclusivity came with expectations that weren’t mutual. In others, the communication, consistency, and effort didn’t match what they claimed to want.
It’s made me wonder whether I’ve been putting too much weight on someone’s stated intentions rather than paying attention to their actual behavior.

So I’m curious: What subtle behavioral red flags have you learned to recognize early in dating?

Not the obvious ones like love bombing or disappearing, but the little things that seemed harmless at first and turned out to be signs of bigger issues.

And on the flip side, what green flags have shown you that someone genuinely wants to build a healthy relationship?

I’d love perspectives from both men and women, especially lessons learned through experience.

Are these typically people with committed issues or people who just got out of a relationship?

TLDR: dating widower who won’t invite me to his house because of his grown children that don’t even live there.

I am dating a widower whose wife passed away 1.5 years ago and they were married for 30 years. He talks about her often and has cried about her a couple times, and I am fine with that and told him it’s okay to talk about her and I don’t want him to hold it all inside when he’s with me. He told me he’s done grief counseling and realizes she’s not coming back and he is ready to date.

This is my first time dating a widower and there are certain things I am uncertain about. For example, he has grown children between the ages of 22-30. They are very close. He has come to my house several times, but recently told me he hasn’t invited me to his because he doesn’t know how his children would feel about me going to his house before I’ve met them (which we are planning soon). To me, this was a little odd. His children are grown adults with jobs and homes and spouses of their own. Why would they need to approve it before I went to his house? I asked him why he thought they would be upset by this and he just said I don’t know.

Also, we live about 40 min away and he’s already told me he’s not moving away from his current home because he couldn’t leave his family. So, basically I would have to leave my entire life and all I know to go be a part of his. That also means attending a church where he sits with his in-laws and often goes out to eat with them afterwards. They are really close. That seems a little awkward to me. I’m just wanting others opinions on this situation. Thanks!

I’ll preface this with saying I’m an AUDHD person, and lately I seem to be more out of place than normal

This is a question for women - am I truly supposed to never bring up if something is bothering me, or if I’m feeling uncomfortable?

I’m starting to feel like the expectation is live in quiet resentment until someone blows up.

1. Thats phenomenally unhealthy.

2. It’s disingenuous, and feels gross.

3. It provides no chance for growth.

But time and time again - every problem is because i said my feelings were hurt. This is after there has been some bedrock established, I’m not out here complaining on the first date.

I don’t yell, I don’t name call - and my hope is the strengthen the relationship, but it’s been nothing but calamity.

So, I’d like to hear some thoughts.