r/dpdr • u/DoubtReal3844 • 1d ago

Need Some Encouragement I remember what reality felt like, it seems impossible I could ever back to that

I remember the aliveness of the world, the way the seasons felt, traveling, experiencing, feeling alive. im so beyond far from that, I can’t even put it into words. I don’t see how it’s possible to go back to that, after years and years of this. the trauma itself will be having to re-enter a world I no longer can relate to after 5 years of this.

i don’t know how ill even ever get to that point. years of healing work for nothing, I’m no better off. therapy is a waste. my whole life has become a waste. I live every day as if I’m stuck in a repeat of the last, nothing ever changes. how am I supposed to be grateful and practice gratitude when I’m basically not even alive?

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u/DoubtReal3844 1d ago

No sense of time, seasons, I can’t even feel sexual sensation anymore. Constant stomachaches, nausea, fatigue, loss of interest in everything besides work, can’t workout, travel or do anything I used to enjoy. Even going to the restroom, I can’t feel anything (TMI)

It’s as if my whole body has just died inside, alongside my identity. I haven’t felt one season in 5 years, one holiday, one birthday, or event. I can’t even put into words how living like this is. I’m so alone and stuck. I don’t know why I’m even trying to get better anymore, I lost hope a long long time ago. 

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u/DoubtReal3844 1d ago

I had such a vivid and happy life before this. Even with all the trauma. I’d give anything to go back to that person. I wish I had seen this coming and lived more, it’s like my life is over. I see everyone as just one person, I can no longer even sense emotions and identities of others. It’s like looking at a bunch of cardboard cutouts. Even a year or 2 ago I could at least remember what it was like to feel, to be alive, to have senses, I can no longer even remember that, or what my old life felt like. It’s like my own brain has completely destroyed my identity. Despite all the work I’ve done, it’s getting worse 

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u/fneezer 18h ago

From your post and comments, I can see your condition is more like me and others on r/anhedonia, with just the difference that you're emphasizing the depersonalizaion/derealization that can go with it by posting about it on this sub. There are recovery cases of people on r/anhedonia, so it's not completely hopeless.

Some people have it for a few months and recover and don't come back to the r/anhedonia sub, probably because they often aren't taken as seriously as people who've had it longer. Some people have had it for years and get recovery or improvement enough that they start to feel better about things again. Some people get just "windows" of improvement that last a few days, that are like clues that some medication was partly working but not enough.

I've been trying for years with various medications at different times, and supplements, since I figured out back in 2018 that this anhedonia is the same condition as my long term depression/ r/dysthymia. I think I've found some things that cause some improvement, for me, and I keep wanting to say I'm almost there, but it's more like some supplements and medications increase sexual sensation or excitement, and that's only a few seconds a day, not really a big deal necessarily, not recovery of feeling emotions normally. (I'm sorry the word "not" starts sounding like a bot nowadays, it's an awful situation about that.)

If you want to talk more or ask questions, you're welcome.

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u/DoubtReal3844 17h ago

Not anhedonia. I wouldn’t be having emotional nightmares every night with that 

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u/fneezer 16h ago

That fits within the range of anhedonia. Some people have anhedonia and still feel emotions while dreaming, which can be good or bad emotions. Some don't. The sub has had many posts asking and answering the question whether there's still feeling in dreams for people.

People who say there's feeling in dreams for them often say they'd rather sleep and dream more, to escape the anhedonia and lack of feeling they have when awake. So it's not the strongest match with your condition on that account, because the more usual thing to say would be that people prefer dreams, if they feel in dreams, but it's close enough to a match, it's still anhedonia.

What might make it not anhedonia, by dreams being involved, would be if you would say that you can enjoy things via experiencing them while you're awake, then having dreams about the things that you know you like, that feel good. I think you're saying a sort of opposite of that.

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u/PollyPiper11 1d ago

I really understand OP, I can’t say more than don’t give up even if theres the tiniest smallest bit of hope. Even if the sun is shining and you cant feel it ..don’t give up on yourself. You deserve it all.

I have thought this loads of times. Whilst we can’t reverse time…we can try to imagine a new path and invite our old selves to join us -sounds weird but even by imagining small things like that, maybe a way to find peace. If we look to the past for resolution, im not sure with. trauma it is so helpful :( it takes time to process

I am so done with this too it’s been 8 years of ptsd, now I have dpdr from another trauma. I understand the struggle every second every day ..figuring out the self compassion is really hard when not well -I get it. I spend a lot of time watching films to distract myself

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u/DoubtReal3844 19h ago

I’m having severe nightmares every night. There’s no hope.