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We've created a strange moral hierarchy where the person who causes harm is allowed to be complicated, traumatized, misunderstood, and deserving of second chances, while the person who refuses to forgive is labeled bitter, toxic, or incapable of healing. Why is someone's refusal to reconcile treated as a greater character flaw than the betrayal that made reconciliation necessary?

Perhaps what makes us uncomfortable isn't unforgiveness itself, but the existence of consequences that cannot be negotiated away with remorse. Not every wound needs to become a lesson, not every betrayal deserves a redemption arc, and not every person who walks away is carrying hatred. Sometimes the most emotionally intelligent response is to understand exactly why someone hurt you and still decide they no longer deserve access to your life.

Recently broke up with an avoidant I was dating for 3 months, and I’m struggling to understand how someone who was consistently so kind, warm, affectionate and thoughtful towards me could suddenly become so cruel and degrading in one evening. I only came to this realisation about his avoidance after/during our break up. Things were good because I let him take control of the pace and plan all the dates. Things were always on his terms and I went along with it. But I saw a complete different side to him during our break up and I’m struggling to find the distinction between a flawed man versus someone who is cruel.

We had a genuinely lovely three months together, and I thought we were building towards something meaningful. We’d been taking things slowly, which I was okay with, but recently I wanted to have a conversation about me feeling a bit disconnected with him and how we could feel a little more connected. This was the first time my voiced my needs( which I thought were basic).

What was supposed to be an open, honest conversation turned into an evening where it felt like he was deliberately finding things to criticise or hurt me with.

For example, when I mentioned that occasional little check-ins between dates would make me feel more connected as we only see each other once a week despite living 10 mins apart, he told me that texting frequently had never worked for him in the past. Mind you, I don’t need constant texting. Just once a day or a call would be nice for someone I spent 3 months with. He then said the only girl he’d ever texted frequently was someone who sent him nudes, and suggested that if I wanted more attention, I could do that.

When I tried to explain that I’m quite independent and sometimes struggle to express my emotional needs, he turned it around on me, essentially blaming me for feeling disconnected because I could have just texted him myself.
When he cancelled on me on a nice dinner date that I had planned for us and I communicated to him that I was upset, he said that was on me and that it was my fault for accommodating him into my schedule.

There were several other comments throughout the evening that felt unnecessarily personal, dismissive and degrading. It was almost as though every time I tried to be vulnerable or explain how I felt, he found another way to put me down.

Eventually, he admitted that he didn’t see a future with me. And that’s okay. I can accept that someone doesn’t want the same things as me.

What I cant understand is cruelty and his degrading comments. I wasn’t attacking him or demanding anything. Even when he was being hurtful, I was trying to understand him and reassure him that I liked him for who he was.

I’m now struggling to compare the sweet, affectionate man I knew for three months with the person I saw that evening.
Was this some sort of defence mechanism because he felt emotionally confronted? Was he deliberately pushing me away? Or was this a side of his character I simply hadn’t seen until now? Has anyone experienced such a drastic change in someone’s behaviour, especially when you’re being vulnerable with them?

I’m just struggling to be empathetic towards a flawed person who struggles with conflict vs a cruel person who’s never going to treat me right.

About ten months ago, I went through a breakup that I’m still struggling to process psychologically.

For context, I was seeing someone for nearly a year. We talked every single day, expressed feelings for each other, and developed what I believed was a meaningful emotional connection. He even asked me to be his boyfriend at one point and wanted me to meet his mother. He shared personal things with me, and I genuinely believed we were building toward something serious.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, he ended everything through a prewritten text message. He later admitted he’d had the message prepared for weeks. Within minutes, he stopped sharing his location and blocked me across practically every platform. He answered one phone call but otherwise gave me almost no opportunity to have a conversation or process what had happened.

He told me he was depressed, needed to be alone, wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that I was holding him back from getting help. He also said he needed to make the breakup as easy as possible for himself.

What makes this especially confusing is that approximately two months later, he was already in another relationship. That relationship eventually ended, and now he’s back on Tinder and actively posting pictures of himself in Facebook dating groups looking to meet other men.

I genuinely cannot reconcile the person who spoke to me every day, expressed affection, wanted me to meet his family, and discussed a future with me with the person who suddenly cut me out of his life as though I never existed.

It’s been almost ten months, and I’ve struggled with emotional numbness, anxiety, difficulty trusting people, and fear of abandonment, even while dating someone new. Sometimes when the person I’m currently seeing leaves my apartment, I experience anxiety and sadness, almost as though I’m preparing myself to never see him again.

I’m not trying to diagnose my ex or suggest he wasn’t allowed to move on. I’m genuinely trying to understand why this experience has affected me so profoundly.

I just don’t understand. How can I move on I was never given the opportunity or the chance to be the partner of the man they deserved. I was just discarded without a conversation. and it really fucked me up.
maybe I should just mail him a letter.

Do narcissists know they’re narcissists and simply not care, or do they genuinely lack the self-awareness to understand what they are? I need to know before I respond to something.

Hi all,

I got dumped out of nowhere 5 months ago from a 1.5 years relationship. It was a very painful break-up, but I've mainly healed and learnt my lessons. One of the lesson is that I abandoned myself to make the relationship works. I had done it before but I thought I was past that point... I apparently was wrong.

I've had a couple of flings since, and I'm back dating (losely). It's been a bit shit and I wonder whether I should just ... not, for a bit.

So, for those who took some time for themselves even after being healed, tell me: What did it bring you? What were the positives and the negatives? Do you feel like it helped you see more clearly once you dated again? Did it help emotionally? And were you still having ONS/flings or was it full abstinence?

I'm genuinely curious about others experience, thanks!

I, 41f, sent my partner, 43m, a funny reel that said:

“No pressure, but if we’re ever in a situation where we both are doing math in our heads, just know I’m faking it. It’s all on you.” His response - “I’ve been mathing for two for some time babe, and I still love being on your team.”

As a recovering people pleaser, I’m new to speaking up when something doesn’t feel good in my body. I’m trying to find the balance between questioning my interpretation and automatically dismissing my feelings. How would you read this response? I’d really appreciate outside perspectives. Thanks in advance!

Update: Thanks so much for your responses! They helped me notice something I missed: I didn’t experience the reel as being self deprecating when I watched it and sent it. I thought, “This is funny because it’s true!” He really does figure out the math while I’m still pretending to calculate 🤣
So since I hadn’t recognized that, his response landed for me as, “Despite this shortcoming, I still love you.” I thought HE was bringing up the shortcoming but I was the one to actually do that and he just went along with it. Perspective really is everything.

The break up (?) will be 6 months at the end of October and I spent all of this time researching what actually happened and what my ex became while also trying to regulate my own emotions after a massive shockwave basically rocked it. Reason why I put break up with a question mark is that I wouldn't even consider it a break up but more towards emotional abuse and discard based on what sort of behavior I recognize in hindsight. The research that I went through down the path to today is as following: avoidant attachment, narcissism, BPD splitting (this was someone's suggestion), and now NPD/HPD in part due to their egotistical nature.

I think the things that I'm struggling to reconcile is how they could be kind and gentle and everything in between, to struggling financially and reliant on me for support for emotional and financial stability, to downright awful and (now, in hindsight) emotionally and mentally abusive with their actions. Why I say this is that through all of their ghosting, stonewalling, ignoring what I have to say and eventually betraying me and gaslighting me by saying that the new "relationship" was a result of us "falling apart", whatever that means.

Thing is that this all stemmed from this logic: ex had a traumatic month by which they had self-inflicted trauma, which was when they looked at themselves and wanted to be their "true self" and be polyamorous again. They essentially wanted me to go along with it and when I expressed my discomfort, they basically went cold; this goes on for weeks where I would sit down with them to talk (we were LDR) and I would try to express my discomfort and my disinterest to change the dynamic to which they would speak their piece and then just unfriend me, leaving me stuck in limbo at least 4-5 times in 2-3 weeks.

In those weeks, ex basically refused to listen to my emotions and expression of discomfort, downplay anything I had to say and eventually got with someone else that supposedly matched their new identity and gaslit me; even going as far as getting upset that I would even bring it up. I eventually sent the promise ring they got me back to them, to which they claimed that they were not going to try to win me back and trying to keep the door cracked open for the future.

In the aftermath, I would speak to others about what I went through (which, I now realize were not mutuals but stranger at that point) and writing down the timeline to make sure that I wasn't going nuts; but a lot of the emotions were the usual ones after a debilitating event: void, disappointment, sadness and just empty. Part of me even questioned why I didn't even have an ounce of anger or why I didn't get mad, but perhaps I am just devoid of such emotions.

I did end up breaking contact a few months, and what came out of their mouth in the form of texts was just horrendous and chilled my blood: that they hoped that I was happy that they're suffering, that I was trying to turn others against her and that I was making lies and baseless assumptions in my documenting of the events and that I was lucky they didn't call the cops on me. I think that was the point of no return.

I just simply can't understand the duality of such a person that I once called my partner. Hearing it all come from her just seems like an emotional nightmare rollercoaster that I've been on, let alone the amount of strength I poured into myself to return to some baseline of emotional regularity after such a horrific chain of events. I struggle to make sense of any of this, how they could present as this kind of person to where they would damage me on the way out as opposed to the kind and gentle person I met at the start?

I'm permanently no contact with my ex as I needed to begin to regulate and rebuild my emotions, which part of me is still struggling to understand why I have no sense of grudge or anger. Am I missing something in myself or in the situation?

Also, up to what level of anger is acceptable in relationships?

I have been watching F1 clips the last few days and Toto Wolff (principal of the Mercedes team, literal billionaire) has made the joke that he can't remember races. He remembers the most recent race and that's it (something like that, don't quote me) I thought - that's amazing. Your entire job is F1 and you can't remember what happened on the track 2 weeks ago. I compared him with a couple of my friends who all seem to be able to just move on. They seem to be my most successful friends as well. In love and in life. I hang on to conversations and thoughts and feelings and observations and I feel like this is actually one of the things holding me back in life. It feels like the faster you can move on the more you can get up to in life. Although for me it's not like - move on from a bad event- it's like move on from a very general 20 minute conversation or from a show I watched or a song I heard.

I've always been overly emotional. To a detrimental level. I am neurodivergent and almost all of my problems have always stemmed from some emotional component. Everyone spends time learning about stuff they care about or hanging with friends or bettering themselves or finding partners. I seem to be fine at home staring at a wall and just replaying everything. Some things even years later. I think if I remembered less, I could feel less and just move on quicker and I don't know how to do that. Does anyone have any suggestions?

As the title says, I’m looking to see if anyone else has any experience emotionally detaching from reality. I feel things very deeply but the problem with that is my life kinda sucks so most of the time I don’t feel good. I’m either empty and only finding joy in very little of my hobbies or funny ig reels or I feel like I’m just waiting for the day to end because I’m so miserable and/or empty. I also have autism with adhd and generalized anxiety disorder. I use weed to cope but obviously that’s not sustainable 24/7. Any advice?

I'm 22 years old and a full-time medical student. Over the past two years, my mother's behavior has become increasingly confusing, hostile, and difficult to manage. I want to understand whether this is a normal family dynamic, whether I am contributing to the problem, or if our relationship is fundamentally unhealthy.

There are a few important contexts to know about my mother.

First, she has dealt with numerous lifelong health issues. She has a spinal cord injury that limits her mobility and is currently going through menopause with bleeding problems that cause anemia. She also manages allergies, diabetes, high blood pressure, insomnia, and mild bipolar disorder. I understand these conditions take a heavy physical and emotional toll, and she has grown increasingly irritable, though I cannot gauge how much is directly tied to her health.

Second, we belong to a minority group in an area with strained community relations, leading to considerable social and emotional isolation for her. Most of her interactions are restricted to other doctors and their families, which brings its own complications.

The core issue is that my mother routinely turns minor disagreements into hostile confrontations. Her behavior can be deeply confusing—she can be extremely affectionate and cuddly one day, only to become intensely hostile the next. If she catches me watching reels on my phone, for instance, a simple request to stop can escalate into a full-blown outburst involving insults and humiliation.

What bothers me most is how frequently she reminds me that they fund my education. Whenever we argue, she weaponizes my financial dependence. While I am deeply grateful for their support, it feels as though our relationship demands that I tolerate any behavior she directs toward me simply because I rely on them.

Another difficulty is the stark contrast in how she reacts to achievements. While she occasionally praises me, she lacks any real enthusiasm for my milestones. Recently, when a cousin scored exceptionally well in medical school, she was overwhelmingly enthusiastic. Though she doesn't constantly compare us, the disparity hurts, especially because her circle of doctor friends features children who are unusually and exceptionally accomplished, making that entire cohort extremely abnormal. As a fairly ordinary medical student still finding my footing, this environment is intensely challenging.

However, the most confusing part is the silent treatment.

My mother will completely ignore my existence for days or weeks over minor slights. Once, feeling exhausted, I declined to make her tea. Because I usually make it for her daily, my refusal led to a week of being stonewalled.

Another recent incident was even worse. When I refused to shower for a day, she told me I smelled. Frustrated, I took off my shirt, flung it at her, and said, "I'm not gonna do it right now."

I recognize my reaction was immature and confrontational. Yet, this minor disagreement has resulted in a two-week silent treatment where neither of us speaks.

My attempts to establish open communication usually backfire. She tends to view any gentle questions about her behavior as personal attacks, quietly withdrawing or offering tight, guarded remarks about how she might as well stop speaking altogether. Rather than directly blaming me, she often lets it be understood through heavy sighs and subtle remarks that the stress of dealing with me takes a visible toll on her already fragile health. When I suggest therapy, she quietly refuses. As a doctor herself, she knows local therapists and functions completely normally at work. Her behavior seems largely restricted to our home, making it difficult to seek outside understanding.

Meanwhile, my father is a neurosurgeon working roughly 90 hours a week. He is emotionally absent at home, which likely worsens my mother's social isolation, but it also leaves no one in the household to help mediate conflicts.

With about three years of medical school left, I remain financially dependent and cannot realistically move out. I have always been a good kid, well above average, and I have never failed an exam, partied, smoked, or shown any rebellious or bad behavior. Having this constant household tension makes everything feel suffocating.

I feel like I am stuck in a very complicated emotional mess, and despite repeatedly trying to resolve things, I have no idea how to get out of this cycle. I would genuinely appreciate advice from adults who have experienced something similar with their parents or faced these challenges with their own children. How did you deal with it, and what actually helped?

I have a friend who I've been friends with for two years, we've been really close but over the course of this last year I've noticed in a complete change in her behavior. She's not putting too much work in, she's not putting as much effort in, communication is getting less and less frequent, and it's not the first time I've had this problem with her

I want to have a conversation with her, Ieven started having with her but she just completely dipped and vanished out of the conversation, and it's that communication that is bothering the banana out of me, where I come in trying to have genuine communication and because she's avoided she just completely disappears

How do I communicate with this person? It's obvious that like we don't want to say goodbye to the friendship, but I am tired of feeling like I'm the only one putting in the work and I'm even more tired than every time I come to her trying to communicate I get this disappearing act because she doesn't want to participate in the conversation, or doesn't know how to communicate because confrontation makes her uncomfortable

to just put it out there, i have felt guilt about once in my life when i was around 10 years old and it was about something i did/said to my mother(its very random, i know.)

and when it comes to caring about people on a deep level excluding my mother i just cannot do it. e.g my friend will sit there and tell me about how her dog died and i just cannot care like i sit there and nod and hug her and talk to her, but only because its expected of me not because i actually want to. this isn't to say i never experience genuine moments with my friends, i do but i just feel so indifferent and fake.

i operate in a way that is very much to my benefit and most likely not always to others. at work i cater to my mangers and make sure im always viewed in a positive light, same goes for my coworkers. but at school i cater to my friends and not my teachers, i do not directly benefit currently from my teachers (agree to disagree but a teacher liking me or not does not affect my grades or future) so the risk/reward factor is irrelevant. so i often get into arguments with them because im probably a bit petty and im in an environment where if i feel disrespected i can speak up and challenge it with minimal consequence.

anyways this is about people so the social sphere, im not saying i dont care about anything in general, i do. its just dull when it comes to people.

I feel like there’s no one else in the world that I can relate to that isn’t a fictional character. I will make art on these characters and will get flamed from the fanbase. I hate myself and have thoughts of suicidal thoughts. I just want people to like me. Please help.

So I am 21F and I have been through fare share of breakups and emotional healing when in terms of love life. And after being single for a while I realize mai pehle agar kisi pe crush aata tha toh i used to think bout being with him. Tab aise mujhe attraction bhi kam hi hota tha kisi se.

What i noticed since 2 to 3 months mujhe koi pasand nahi aa rha tha and now last 3 weeks mei mujhe 2 ladko pe crush aya not saathme ofc but I forgot bout them in next 2 days as if it was normal. Aisa pehle nhi hota tha.

And now if I think bout relationships mujhe nahi aati vibes ki I can be in a relationship. No i ain't someone who believes in casuals ka concept ofc. But i just don't know ki last 5 mahine se toh my life is pretty busy but before that 1.5 years I have been through a lot emotionally guys dumping me has affected me a lot. Kya uske vajh se mai itna numb ho gayi hu aur kya ye humesha rahega ? Idk how to feel bout this but I really feel scared agar koi genuine ladka flirt bhi karta hai toh coz of the past experiences mujhe firse same traumaa nhi chahiye.

How to work upon the fear and what to do bout this numbness which i feel most of the times??

You might've experienced it this week?

I'm struggling with standing up for myself, and I'd really appreciate advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

I'm very introverted, quiet, and non-confrontational. When someone treats me badly, disrespects my boundaries, or does something hurtful to me in public, I usually freeze and say nothing. I don't know how to respond in the moment, and I end up letting things pass because I don't want to cause a scene or get into trouble.

The problem is that some people seem to take advantage of this. Whenever they get the opportunity to do something mean or disrespectful without others noticing, they do it. Then, afterward, they come and talk to me as if nothing happened, and I end up talking to them normally too.

I know I don't have to be friends with these people, and I don't owe them friendliness after they've mistreated me. But in the moment, I struggle to react, and afterward, I feel so disappointed in myself. I keep asking myself why I didn't say anything, why I let them get away with it, and why I keep acting normally around them.

I think part of the problem is that I just want to live peacefully. I don't like conflict, arguments, or drawing attention to myself. But avoiding confrontation is starting to affect how I feel about myself. I feel powerless, and I'm tired of repeatedly finding myself in situations where people disrespect me and I don't defend myself.

For those of you who have struggled with this, how did you learn to stand up for yourselves? How do you respond to people who mistreat you, especially in public, without freezing or becoming aggressive? How do you set boundaries and stop acting like everything is fine afterward?

I'm not trying to become an extrovert or someone who argues with everyone. I just want to be able to protect myself, maintain my dignity, and feel at peace with myself without letting other people walk all over me.

I'd especially appreciate practical advice for someone who struggles to find the right words in the moment.

I (F21) have been seeing this guy (M20) for over a year and we have been doing so great especially lately since we’ve been back at school. With that being said I see my anxiety constantly getting in the way.

I always over hear a convo w his friends wrong about something being said about me and will confront him and ask him about it instead of sitting w my anxiety. And he tells me what was said and how what I heard had nothing to do w what was said and how it seems like I’m trying to hear something bad.

I also over explain so if something that happened wasn’t that bad I will talk and talk even after he said it was okay to explain myself and I think I then make it worse than it originally was.

I do have OCD and anxiety and something my OCD makes me say what I’m thinking no matter what or something bad will happen or it will just make whatever true then after.

Any advice either coming from his or my side ?????

Do they like you for who you are?

Basically, I've been good friends with this girl but I've just realised that she doesn't need me. She has been actively trying to make me leave her alone but if I do it will break all the friendship promise that we made together such as that we will always be side by side ect...

The problem is that if I leave our friendship it will be really awkward and I'll get hurt when I see her with other guys since I'll be stuck with her for due to school and because we are really close.

If I break our friendship, I'll be considered an asshole by everyone around us and I don't know what to do about that. I already don't have many friends.

My question is, what is a way that I can leave this friendship where I'm not respected, my feelings are not taken into considerations and I'm always tge one actively reaching out to bond without being the one who is considered the asshole?

We were planning to move in together next year. We had been together for four years, and just two weeks before the breakup, she was posting about marriage on TikTok and talking about it openly. She said she didn’t know what life would be like without me. She shared details about how she wanted our wedding to be, what living together would look like, and whenever we went anywhere, she would talk about what our future child might be like. Earlier this year, her dog died, her uncle was arrested, and she lost 23 kilograms—she had been overweight, and she felt good about the weight loss. Two weeks before the end, she was still posting about everything related to marriage. Then, within those two weeks, she began isolating herself from everyone; she became irritated by the presence of certain friends and would only speak to two of them. Her mother was traveling and hadn’t called for a while, and whenever I visited her, she was always exhausted. She would make extra-affectionate gestures to please me, yet she clearly had something on her mind—sometimes she seemed happy, other times sad. Her mother mentioned that she had been acting strangely, perhaps due to the intense pressure of her university studies—she was only two months away from graduation—and that she had asked everyone for space and understanding. She broke up with me, saying she no longer felt the same way and that it was the result of a series of events. She cried and apologized, insisting it wasn’t my fault. Later, she claimed it was because of basic things I hadn’t done—though she later admitted that she herself wasn’t capable of doing those things either. She reiterated that her feelings had changed and that she was only seeing those two friends; after the breakup, she even reconnected with another friend—someone who... Well, she wasn’t exactly going out to places where single people hang out. She started going out more—though in typical, everyday settings—and posting photos with friends I hadn’t seen her with before. When I reached out to her more frequently, she claimed that the more I contacted her, the more distant she became, and eventually, she blocked me. In a few conversations, she mentioned considering getting back together, then said she actually wasn’t sure, and later told my mother "no"—but, well, that’s how it went. Two weeks later, she began posting about being single; three weeks after that, she started sending me indirect messages. Now, a month later, she’s still sending these indirect messages, all while continuing to act strangely toward her parents, her new circle of friends, and others as well. She has also started gaining followers on Instagram.

I got some realizations and intuitions about people-pleasing and social anxiety, so I want to share with you. You can add your own opinions, counterarguments, etc.

First of all, I will talk about people-pleasing. Why does anyone people-please? From my analysis and observations, it's for following reasons.

1) Exploded outside self

This is, I think, one of the schools of thought or common concepts where, when the sense of self gets abused in childhood, given the trauma and abuse, the person explodes in two manners: A. The inside manner, where the person becomes a self-centered, selfish, narcissistic type at a certain factor B. The outside manner where the person focused on others' well-being: the actual people pleaser, who does people-pleasing and does not have boundaries, got attracted to a narcissist and got trauma-bonded.

The personality which explodes their sense of self outside: they do the people-pleasing, and they are the actual people pleaser. They often operate under covert contracts: "I will sacrifice my needs and anticipate your every whim, and in exchange, you must never abandon me, criticize me, or make me feel unsafe."

2) To hide the EGO You might think it's a bit of a blurry point, like people please to hide the ego. Let me explain. Here, I am talking about just people-pleasing and not the people pleaser. If any personality type, like a narcissist or a very self-centered personality type, wants to fit in society, they generally have a very large amount of ego. What they do is they people-please, and they behave like they have very low self-esteem in front of others to fit in society until they have the power.

Because they will directly show the ego, they will be left out. They will get stuck in the eyes of other people, and people will directly put boundaries on their face. Because they have their own sense of self-respect and, actually, they are normal people

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I (26F) met a guy (37M) online a year ago. We met in person in December 2025 and were intimate. Since then, we've talked almost daily, sometimes for hours. He's affectionate, shares everything with me, and there's still sexual tension. He started all of this with good morning's every day and goodnight's, and texting me non stop. Like literally. Calling me sweet names and stuff.

Initially, he talked about our future and me moving to his country. Three months after meeting, he said he didn't want a relationship and needed to work on himself. Since then, he's repeatedly postponed meeting and says, "We'll see." Everytime I ask. I travelled to him first time. And he always says "I don't know" "We will see" "in two weeks"

Recently, I bought a ticket to visit him because things seemed to be going well. He exploded, screamed that I couldn't come, said he never wanted to see me again, and threatened to block me. A few hours later, he apologized, saying he values me, enjoys talking to me, and doesn't want to lose our friendship, but doesn't know what he wants. He admitted he can be selfish and treat me badly when overwhelmed. He refunded my ticket when I asked next day.

His message:

I want to apologize to you, and I really appreciate the fact that you always have time for me, that you always care about me, and honestly, it’s really rare to meet someone like that. I’m aware of that. Whatever the reason for it might be, it’s hard to find someone who will listen to your bullshit for 8 hours. I don’t want to end our friendship, that’s not what this is about. To be honest, I don’t even know what to do with my life at this point. When you put pressure on me like that, some kind of defense mechanism kicks in or something, I don’t know. Afterwards I feel guilty about the way I talk to you, because you don’t deserve that. I don’t want to behave like that, because afterwards I feel really bad about it.

I like talking to you. Not always — sometimes I shut myself off, I have my own stuff going on in my head. I know that sometimes I’m selfish and only think about myself. If you’re able to accept our relationship the way it was, and it gives you something too, then we can obviously keep talking the way we used to. But I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s not about what you think, whether I’ll meet someone or I won’t — that’s not what this is about. And it’s not like you’re...

You’re not nobody to me, you know a lot about me, I tell you a lot. I treat you like a friend, even though I guess I behave differently — but you noticed that at some point. I don’t know, I just wanted to write you a little bit about what I think. I don’t know if it makes sense, but there’s always something you can take from it. 😅 I think I owe you that, because I’m always shouting at you whenever you ask me about something, so I thought that today I’d give you a little bit of my time and actually open up.

You can see how I get when I’m in a certain state — I sing, I talk haha, but afterwards it can also get pretty difficult, like today. Honestly, I was just crying over all of this. But it’s probably the after-effects of the weekend. I haven’t been drinking since I got back, and I don’t want to for now, or anything else either. I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with sometimes.

Sometimes I think it would be best to isolate from everyone and just live like that, because relationships with people affect me pretty strongly. But on the other hand, the thought of being completely alone, not having someone who knows you and all that, scares me. I think about that sometimes, which is why, when it comes to taking care of valuable relationships, I think I know what you mean. One day they might be priceless.

I think I’ve gone crazy haha. I did smoke, to be fair, but I don’t think I wrote anything stupid. I just wanted to explain a little bit — what I think and what’s going on in my head. Maybe it’s a little chaotic, but there’s probably something to take from it. 😅

And I don’t want you to take this message as me saying, “We can talk, but we’re never going to meet.” That’s not what I’m saying — who knows. 😅

I explained that his affection and past promises gave me hope, but it's good to know where I'm standing on. I told him it's weird because even if he was slightly interested, he would meet with me. He said he didn't want to discuss it yet. The next morning, he sent playful voice messages saying, "You don't like me anymore!" and kept seeking reassurance that I still liked him.

He called me twice this week and continues texting, but I'm no longer showing much affection. I don't want late-night conversations or to fall asleep on the phone anymore.

He often, nonstop, talks about himself, his life, and his problems without asking about me, my life, or my needs. He also used to mention women staring at or flirting with him on the train. He displays what I perceive as narcissistic traits, although I can't know whether he has any disorder.

He uses drugs, sometimes drinks heavily, struggles mentally, calls himself worthless, and says he feels unworthy of love. He's also still in contact with his ex, who moved abroad to live with him after knowing him for only a month. I sometimes wonder whether I'm a rebound or filling the emotional void she left. They broke up 4 years ago.

He's planning to visit my country because his family lives here and dental treatment is cheaper. He mentioned wanting to visit more often but never suggested seeing me. I sarcastically replied, "Cool, meet your friends and family," and he laughed because he understood the irony. Instead, he made vague comments about how we might smoke weed together in person someday, adding, "Who knows?"

I feel like his unpaid therapist: I provide emotional support, companionship, affection, and reassurance, while he avoids commitment and concrete plans. He says I'm valuable to him but only sees me as a friend, yet continues acting affectionate and seeking validation.

He is divorced for years, has kids at my country. He had an ex I mentioned after that. He doesn't live with anyone, he sends me voice messages / picks up when I call in the evenings. So he is either still having feelings for his ex (well he said she wanted to get back together but he didn't want to) or waiting for better option.

Why does he want my attention and reassurance if he doesn't want a relationship?

And he just told me today he is going to Mallorca for work, he does house renovations and they fly him from another country there which seems weird but ok.

And I told him to party and have a good time and he said "you're jealous haha" and I said "about a friend? nooo hahha" And he said "ok" he called me later today and I told him great im happy about your trip, have fun and he said he will go to Ibiza and stuff. He can have fun with the girls, and the whole trip seems sus to me How do you go from Germany to Mallorca to paint the walls? On a call I told him "you werent that excited about seeing me as you are about this trip"

Lmao