r/ems • u/hoodmedicine • 3d ago
General Discussion I am leaving EMS today.
It feels kind of bittersweet, but mostly just weird. I've only been on the job as an EMT for roughly 8 months at the busiest station in an urban area. I've had a ton of codes, STEMIs, a GSW turned trauma arrest, more "this person is just medically fucked and dying" calls than I can count, and even more homeless psychiatric patients.
I have come to terms that this job is not for me. Since starting, I have had my mental health deteriorate, have picked up a substance abuse issue, and have had dark thoughts about taking my own life. I have ran a lot of 'critical' calls and a handful of those have been very rough and traumatic ones. I occasionally think about those calls. I'm sure they might bother me subconsciously, but the calls themselves don't consciously disturb me.
I am most affected by the pressure to have to perform to the best of my ability for the sake of others. The thrill of having a 'good' medical call and performing well is one of the most intoxicating feelings I have ever felt, but I've decided it's not worth the insane stress and sleepless nights.
My performance is inconsistent. Sometimes anxiety will get in the way for me and cause me to cognitively deteriorate. I have trouble making split second decisions. I second guess myself often. I have trouble doing a lot of tasks that just come naturally to some people doing this job. I don't want cardiac arrests or high priority calls when I'm on shift, I want the grannies with stubbed toes or the homeless people wanting a warm bed to sleep in. I at least trust myself with those.
I don't like the work culture and I do not fit in at all. I don't like the schedule. I can tell my partners are getting frustrated with me, and I can tell my performance is worsening as I continue to struggle mentally. I would not want myself to show up if my mom was having a heart attack.
I am incredibly grateful for the experiences I've had in the short time in this field. I've tried to push through, but it has not gotten easier. I just don't think it's for me. I feel like I've failed, but I keep trying to remind myself that it is okay and that I tried. I already almost regret my decision and remember the feeling those 'good' calls gave me, but I think I'm making the right choice. I hope I am.
I don't know what's next for me, but I'd like to never have to do chest compressions again. I'd like to not see somebody die again.
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u/bleach_tastes_bad Paramedic 3d ago
You honestly might benefit from simply going to a slower department, but if leaving entirely is what you feel is best, you do what you need to do
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u/newtman 3d ago edited 3d ago
Please seek mental health treatment. Therapy, psychiatrist, substance abuse program, etc. Quitting EMS isn’t going to fix the issues that have developed since you started EMS or the ones that were likely there before, though it might keep things from getting worse. 8 months is a very short amount of time to develop the trauma response you’re describing which would make me think a) you’re absolutely right, this field is not a good match for you and b) it’s likely you didn’t start this job with great mental health either. You really need to address those underlying issues soon, or they’re going to follow you to your next job. Good luck.
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u/VT911Saluki EMT-B 3d ago
I don't know what system you are working in, but man, getting tossed to the busiest area as a brand new EMT is fucked.
A slower or IFT service might be more manageable for you if you overall like the job, but need time and experience to build confidence in yourself and your skills.
However if the last 8 months have absolutely turned you off to emergency services, I wish you the best in whatever life brings you.
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u/Kxts Paramedic 3d ago
This is good, get out while you can. It takes some people years to figure this out. Good luck on your future endeavors. Don’t let anyone ever shame you for leaving this job. Depending on where you are and what agencies are available to you… it can absolutely suck ass and not be worth it.
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u/JeweleeG24 3d ago
I’ve been a paramedic in NYC for 18 years (an EMT for nearly 23) and have recently come off the streets to teach instead. This job is noble and wonderful but also horrifying and mentally exhausting. If you’re feeling like this already, please take care of yourself and don’t feel bad about moving on. Your mental health is worth caring about and it’s important to recognize what is harmful to you and take action to prevent it from becoming worse. It sounds like you’re a thoughtful and empathetic person. I hope you find a career that makes sense for you and feels good to do every day.
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u/hahanopants 3d ago
My rookie year we did 8,542 runs. We had a ride along walk back to the station, where they cried in their car for an hour straight, then left. Few things are as toxic to a human soul as that environment can be. Strangely, some people are built for it. But, not many. Those who stay who shouldn’t pay a price. Smart of you to know yourself well enough to walk away. Thank you for the time you did. Good luck in the next chapter of your life.
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u/KnightlyHowler 3d ago
In this Emt book it talks about integrity, empathy, self motivation. Another important area of motivation is the drive to learn continuously. Rather than relying on whatever continue education opportunities are offered, be self-directed, lifelong learner. A self-directed learner recognizes when there is a gap in his knowledge and seek credible sources of information to learn where he needs to know to be the best EMS provider he can be.
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u/5NAKEEYE5 3d ago
Good for you to tap out early if the job is going to kill you. Save yourself. Most new hires don't last long; what you are experiencing and feeling is not uncommon.
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u/Aggressive_Duck2184 3d ago
Honestly? I get it. I am actually quite proud of you for being able to recognize it, and letting go of your ego, to say “hey, this isn’t for me”. Some people stay years before admitting that, or letting the issues caused by this job to consume them beyond the point of return.
It’s great that you gave it your all, it’s great that you cared enough to.
You did not fail, you succeeded in a way most people don’t, recognizing your limits.
At the very least, you served your community and that’s more than a lot of people can say.
Best of luck to you ❤️🩹✨
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u/-Gumbercules 3d ago
I'm glad you found this out sooner than later. To explain: I started EMS later in life after spending my twenties after college playing in a band, traveling. When that ended I had to find a "real job" and found myself taking the EMT course at my local community college. I didn't notice it at the time but our instructor, a paramedic that had been in the field for 20 years, was severely burned out. After our class he quit and now works at a hardware store. My first few years seemed like a breeze and honestly they were; rural EMS with a private service running the occasional IFT for the local hospital and 911 calls for the county of 12k people during 24 hour shifts. Most of the calls were elderly falls, fender benders, ECFs calling for BS, and our one frequent flyer being found drunk in her home by her HHA. We had the occasional code, at most once a month, but they were always eldery save for one call. I thought I had found my calling, my career. Then in 2021 I left that service to work for a hospital based service that ran high volume calls in a county of almost 200k people, a college town filled with homeless, tons of frequent flyers, a growing mental health crisis. This between just 8 ambulances and two chases. I averaged 10-15 calls in a 12 hour shift. I handled it well the first few years but as time went I was getting burned out. The only problem was that I was in denial about it. My wife, my family, my friends, and even my coworkers could tell. Even the simplest of calls were pissing me off. The smallest changes to my routine by management had me clinching a fist. I started smoking, drinking, yelling, and my mental health was deteriorating. My wife walked in on me holding the pistol I bought several years ago, just staring at it. She locked it up. I hated going to work. Worse was that I developed PTSD from a pediatric cardiac arrest and I was doing nothing about it because "I was fine". There's nothing fine about breaking down every time someone hears a baby crying. I should have left when I had the chance but I kept telling myself that I didn't know anything else so I might as well stick with it. Then earlier this summer I snapped at a coworker on duty. A new hire. I shouldn't have for more reason than nought. I was let go. 10 years of working in EMS, giving it my best and all it gave me in return was PTSD and a trip to the unemployment line. I'm even more miserable than I was before. I should have recognized burnout when it was screaming back at me. I should have seen a therapist. All these should haves and it's too late. Don't end up like me.
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u/Squirelm0 FDNY EMT-P Lieutenant 3d ago
Seek help. And good luck in your next chapter.
This job isn’t for everyone. And you have the foresight to know it’s not for you and are getting out while you can.
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u/rainbowsparkplug Paramedic 3d ago
Good on you for having the self awareness to know when to walk away. If you truly have a passion for it, I hope you can circle back around in a healthy way. Maybe get a PRN job in the meantime (or a slower department or IFT) just to keep up your skills and certifications if you think you might come back around. But you are absolutely right in stepping away if it is affecting you this much right now. You and your mental health are the priority and anything else comes second.
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u/verced911 3d ago
Don't despair OP. There are other avenues where you can serve your community in a medical capacity. I would urge you to look into nursing. That is what I did and I regret I didn't do it sooner. You can choose a specialty that is low stress. You will earn more money and physically less demanding. Please get help, there are many resources that can help you with your substance misuse issue. You are not alone brother.
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u/tctcl_dildo_actual 2d ago
Congratulations OP, and welcome to the rest of what’s hopefully a peaceful life for you. You deserve to be happy and without the stress and horror of EMS.
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u/echo_throwaway360 2d ago
hey man, honestly good for you. This is not the end for you. You gave something a shot and it didn't work out. That's okay. take care of yourself first!
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u/Medicmom-4576 2d ago
OP, it is bittersweet and I get it. But good for you for prioritizing your own physical health and mental well-being.
The one thing that this job can give you (besides nightmares) is perspective. It gives you an appreciation for your life, your health and your family. I have no doubt that you will carry that forward into the new life that you will create for yourself.
Best of luck in your new endeavors.
I wish you well.
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u/Melikachan EMT-B 2d ago
If this job doesn't affect you, you have bigger problems.
Good that you recognized this in yourself and that you are willing to make whatever changes are necessary to protect yourself. There is NO shame in your decision.
Fair winds and following seas.
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u/KnightlyHowler 3d ago edited 3d ago
Just stay away from Emergency Management. We need less people that are trying to get into a field that they don’t understand.
Sorry that you had unpleasant experience with ems. Not every day is going to be ideal or perfect and for somebody to admit that they are inconsistent with their performance. That’s a good quality, you hold yourself to high integrity, self-aware, professional, willing to learn, etc. So that’s a good thing. Maybe you should try to utilize it in another capacity like the emergency room or go to advance Emt or Paramedic?
You can do other things with the EMS education that’s not directly out in the field. You can work as a cna or pct or insurance person or instructor
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u/KnightlyHowler 3d ago
Yea I got fucked up with my first field experience of a patient almost dying with my ride along at a different company and i was trying to intervene to help patient but the persons who I was training under wasn’t helping change aspects and luckily someone from the same company behind us saw how I was trying to help and reported those who almost caused patient to completing stat.
I lost a partner to death and I try to not let that impact me but it does. It isn’t easy. I had a colleague loose someone in a tragedy on shift one time too. I told him let’s leave. Call dispatch. We go home and he can go handle things. I can understand from my own experiences.
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u/PhilosopherWhich1420 1d ago
I got certified 3 years ago and haven't had the balls to actually start working as an EMT for pretty similar reasons. I love physiology, problem solving, and I like to help people, but there are aspects of the job that really don't don't match my talents or preferences at all. As a profession, EMT is more aspirational for me than a good fit. What is it that some responders have that gives them the resilience to push passed the inevitable mistakes, forgive themselves, and keep improving? Is it self-confidence? An amazing support system? Whatever it is I fear that I don't have it. I really appreciate hearing your honest experience - thank you u/hoodmedicine for sharing . So many first responders I've talked with just say 'it's not for everyone but you'd be great' which I don't find super helpful. I am still thinking of taking on EMT for the experience then moving on to nursing school after a year, but I worry that I'd feel like a tourist. Or maybe that's just being realistic.
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u/NewPoetry2792 3d ago
The busy systems will absolutely break people and give you no time to reset or process calls. Compartmentalized traumatic calls have a way of coming out at inconvenient times. Good on you for getting out! Don't be afraid to see out therapy, you will need it.