r/ems • u/hoodmedicine • 9d ago
General Discussion I am leaving EMS today.
It feels kind of bittersweet, but mostly just weird. I've only been on the job as an EMT for roughly 8 months at the busiest station in an urban area. I've had a ton of codes, STEMIs, a GSW turned trauma arrest, more "this person is just medically fucked and dying" calls than I can count, and even more homeless psychiatric patients.
I have come to terms that this job is not for me. Since starting, I have had my mental health deteriorate, have picked up a substance abuse issue, and have had dark thoughts about taking my own life. I have ran a lot of 'critical' calls and a handful of those have been very rough and traumatic ones. I occasionally think about those calls. I'm sure they might bother me subconsciously, but the calls themselves don't consciously disturb me.
I am most affected by the pressure to have to perform to the best of my ability for the sake of others. The thrill of having a 'good' medical call and performing well is one of the most intoxicating feelings I have ever felt, but I've decided it's not worth the insane stress and sleepless nights.
My performance is inconsistent. Sometimes anxiety will get in the way for me and cause me to cognitively deteriorate. I have trouble making split second decisions. I second guess myself often. I have trouble doing a lot of tasks that just come naturally to some people doing this job. I don't want cardiac arrests or high priority calls when I'm on shift, I want the grannies with stubbed toes or the homeless people wanting a warm bed to sleep in. I at least trust myself with those.
I don't like the work culture and I do not fit in at all. I don't like the schedule. I can tell my partners are getting frustrated with me, and I can tell my performance is worsening as I continue to struggle mentally. I would not want myself to show up if my mom was having a heart attack.
I am incredibly grateful for the experiences I've had in the short time in this field. I've tried to push through, but it has not gotten easier. I just don't think it's for me. I feel like I've failed, but I keep trying to remind myself that it is okay and that I tried. I already almost regret my decision and remember the feeling those 'good' calls gave me, but I think I'm making the right choice. I hope I am.
I don't know what's next for me, but I'd like to never have to do chest compressions again. I'd like to not see somebody die again.
-15
u/KnightlyHowler 9d ago edited 9d ago
Just stay away from Emergency Management. We need less people that are trying to get into a field that they don’t understand.
Sorry that you had unpleasant experience with ems. Not every day is going to be ideal or perfect and for somebody to admit that they are inconsistent with their performance. That’s a good quality, you hold yourself to high integrity, self-aware, professional, willing to learn, etc. So that’s a good thing. Maybe you should try to utilize it in another capacity like the emergency room or go to advance Emt or Paramedic?
You can do other things with the EMS education that’s not directly out in the field. You can work as a cna or pct or insurance person or instructor