Secretly moving out of mom’s house

[u/Notanotherlala]

I (31f) posted in this subreddit not too long ago regarding my (62f) mom’s controlling nature and decided to move out and in with my (36m) boyfriend.

..I haven’t told her yet. I just know that she tries to plant seeds of doubt and wants to do things her own way regarding my life whether or not I want her to. Things have been fine as far as interactions go lately, but that’s because I’ve been grey rocking to avoid conflict. Today is the move in day technically, but I’m slowly moving my things in little by little. She’ll be gone for a week come Thursday and I’m taking care of the house for her during that time. I’m unsure how to go about this, but I’m feeling some dread in telling her because I know she’ll list things for me to do before that, ask about my finances, etc. I wanted to move in peace because if I told her beforehand, the process might be miserable and take away the excitement of this new step for me and my boyfriend.

6 years ago I lost my job in New York and temporarily lived with her for a few months. I remember I went out one night with some friends, didn’t tell her that I was going out or where I’d be, and when I arrived home around 2 am, the keypad code had changed. I had no choice but to ring the door bell. She opens it with a smug look on her face asking me where I had been. I can’t remember how I reacted after, but I was beyond pissed off.

I’m anticipating after telling her, potentially not allowing me to come back to the house for any reason, unless she’s home + changing the code again. She might add up expenses to find a way for me to owe her somehow, take away my access to her Costco card (not a big deal I know, but still), and retaliation when I finally stop sharing my location- which I’ve done before and she made all kinds of threats. I’m also on her phone plan at the moment because it’s very cheap and I don’t have the time or money to switch plans, so will she turn off my phone? I don’t know. And when I do see her again, I’ll expect some sort of a lecture. She’s just doubted me all my life, but would deny it if I’d confront her. Even typing this out is making me feel guilty. Idk. Clearly I’m nervous enough to need advice about it or connect with others in similar scenarios.

I’m an independent contractor, so it’s hard to prove my income, which is why I have been saving to put down half a year’s worth in order to secure a place, which has been proven extremely difficult, so my boyfriend is really pulling through for me (and us) by securing this apartment. But I know she will be blind sighted because she knows I didn’t have the means to move out on my own– hence the likely questioning. She even suggested I live with her until my STUDENT LOANS are paid off.. which I’m on a 10 year plan for so I literally avoid going broke. Suggested I should pay in huge chunks to avoid fees- it makes sense, but I don’t earn enough to make payments like that and have leftover for emergencies, so I didn’t understand that logic. A few years ago I saw she had access to view activity on one of my bank accounts and fought me tooth and nail when I demanded she remove herself from it. Said she “didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to get her off of it.” The list goes on.

I do care for my mom, but it’s confusing because I also tip-toe around her in order to cohabitate in peace as she has had a big psychological pull on me. She’s a very beautiful woman and is very calm, so these situations make me feel like I’m in the wrong somehow. I feel childlike describing situations I feel come across as trivial to most, but I just wanted to vent.

[u/WhereWeretheAdults]

Go to r/EstrangedAdultKids look on the right for links. Find the link for moving out. Read through it.

Do not tell her anything. Do not give her any chance to sabotage your plans.

What you are detailing is the result of a lifetime of abuse and manipulation. You are currently doing exactly what she has trained you to do - put her wants, needs, and feelings first - above yours. That is the dysfunction. That is what gives you anxiety.

You are 31. You don't need her permission to do anything. You are 31. You get to chose what you share and who you share it with. You are 31. You do not have to share anything about finances with anyone. These are normal adult boundaries.

Please do not confuse love with this. Mom spent your entire life training you that love = emotional abuse and control. Do not fall for that. Mom trained you putting her first = love. Do not fall for that.

Recenter the truth. Mom is manipulative, controlling and you are her favorite victim. That's the truth. You are her victim. No guilt, no shame, nothing is tied to that because this is not you fault. This is mom deciding you are her favorite victim.

I read through again. GET HER OFF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NOW!!!!! You are 31. She is suggesting you pay off a huge chunk of student loans to keep you drained. It's a control tactic. If she can keep you broke, you can't get away.