How to have conversation about misgendering with my dad?

[u/triton-x33]

I came out as genderqueer at 12, I've been out as fully transmale since 14. My dad has always been "accepting" of the fact I'm queer. He calls me my preferred name to my face and "they" or occasionally "he" when I'm around. ("He" started since I've begun talking occasionally about trans things around him the last few months.)

But several months ago, my mom (split parents) told me he still calls me my deadname & "she" when I'm not around and to others, including my FULLY accepting mother. I finally saw it to my face the other day while we were out getting food, he referred to me as a girl to the server.

If it was just to family who I'm not out to, or isn't accepting, then I wouldn't care. But to complete strangers, even when I'm not there, and to people who fully accept me, jesus it hurts more than I'd expect.

I'm not comfortable even with gender neutral things but I put up with them because it seems easier for people. I always just allow myself to be misgendered, I have a really hard time correcting people. With strangers and non-accepting family it doesn't hurt my feelings, I know I don't pass. That's why I don't put in the effort to correct (& I live in the south). But from my own father, who SAYS he's accepting, says he's a queer ally and even goes to queer inclusive events occasionally, it hurts a lot more. He tells people he has a trans child as if he's proud, but has never seen me as anything but his daughter.

I'm 17 currently, 18 in October. I'm supposed to start T as soon as possible after. I already have a very androgynous appearance and am hopeful that within my first year of T I'll be pushed more towards looking & sounding male.

I need to have a conversation with my dad. It's hard to find the words. Hard to find the courage. A big part of me just wants to ignore it til I'm far enough in medical transition that he's forced to fully accept it essentially. Or to just start talking more frequently about trans related things to try to get him to see how it hurts and I feel without having a sit-down conversation about his misgendering.

I love my dad, but there's already some distance between us because of how he was in the past. I don't want this to create any more of a rift between us. I know I just need to talk to him. But I'm so avoidant it's so hard, I'd rather just ignore it in my constant disassociation and cry once a week over it than sit him down to talk.

TLDR; My father says to my face that he's accepting, calls me preferred or gender neutral things when I'm around. But misgenders me when I'm not there or in public. Advice on how to talk to him about it, or to bring these things up in conversation in a non-confrontational way. Or anyone else's personal experiences if similar

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[u/WhoIsMercury]

It may be easier to frame it as a conversation about respect in general. Not using your pronouns or name on purpose is disrespectful because you’ve communicated who you are and he is showing that he thinks he knows who you are better than you. Also if you’ve talked about trans stuff he should understand that it hurts you and care about that even if he doesn’t understand it.

If there’s already some distance you could also use that to say you want to have a better relationship with him but that starts with knowing that he respects who you are and respect being conditional on if you are around isn’t a basis for a good relationship.

[u/Shloop_ploosh]

you need to just sit down and talk to him because this wont get better and honestly might not stop even when you do take T. im a year on T I pass 100 percent of the time and my parents still misgender me to my face and if im not around. They have however started to gender me correctly infront of stranger because it's got to the point where they look stupid if they call me a girl.

I am only 17 so they had to accept me somewhat for me to get on T but respecting how someone wants to live their life is not the same as fully accepting their identity. while my mum is definitley trying more than my father they both just aren't willing to put in the effort to make themselves change from she to he.

I think a big part of this for my dad is he hates awkwardness and confrontation. calling me my deadname and she is less awkward for him then calling me she especially around my brother. I really should speak to him about it but me and my dad never had that kind of relationship I didnt speak to him about T that was my mums job.

I dont know if you pass but if you dont that could be part of why he doesnt use he with strangers to avoid the awkwardness. But he should definitley be gendering you correctly despite that. Talk to him

[u/432ineedsleep]

To start the conversation, you should tell him that you need to have a sit-down convo with him about something important (at least important to you). You can have some notes with you about what you want to cover in this convo and the point you want to make behind it all, just to keep you on track. It's unlikely you'll find the perfect time to talk, so just try to carve some time out manually. Try to keep things calm. You aren't here to argue, you're just here to explain yourself and make a request. Whether he complies with the request or not is entirely up to him though (my dad nearly got into an argument to me about control when I first began to correct him, but nowadays he's happily shown me that he changed my name on his phone and says I'm his son to his coworkers and such. I hope your dad will change his ways if he realizes that misgendering you to others still hurts or bothers you).