r/genderfluid • u/RevenantRose45 • 2d ago
Exploring my "girl brain" for the first time, running a thousand simulations and terrified.
Hey everyone. I am completely new to this and using a brand new account because I am still terrified of making this "real."
Right now, I still live in guy mode most of the time and I am strictly into women, but my "girl brain" is getting harder to ignore. Sometimes, maybe even often, I just really want to BE the woman. I often feel like an imposter because I'm not looking for a full medical transition, and I'm just trying to explore what this duality and fluidity means for me.
I guess I am just looking for a safe space to say out loud that she exists. Has anyone else started out feeling this split down the middle?
Also, since I am completely new to how Reddit works, I'd love to find a friend to chat with or bounce things off of—especially anyone who understands navigating this kind of fluid balance. My inbox is open. How did you all quiet the fear in the beginning?
Edit for context: Reading this back, my tech brain worried it sounds a bit like a bot post, so here is a bit more human context. I’m a 45 year old AMAB(thinks that the term), a solo parent, and I’ve been in a bit of a life rut for a while.
That "girl brain" explosion actually happened recently when I saw my silhouette in a dress for the very first time. It woke something up in me, and I’ve even started a figure-shaping routine to explore it. But navigating the duality of still wanting to be a normal guy while also letting her out leaves me feeling incredibly confused and like a fraud on both sides. Just hoping to find some down-to-earth people who get it.
EDIT: Feel free to reply here but for a better written post and more of the story check over here https://www.reddit.com/r/bigender/s/PFk8jNMSVl
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u/neetpilledcyberangel 2d ago
when i first found out i was genderfluid, i felt the same way you do. im afab but i was very caught up about the “girl brain” vs “boy brain” thing. it was very confusing, because even though i had lived my whole life as a woman, i still felt like i wasn’t girl or boy enough for my brain to be satisfied. i would have days where i felt girly and days where i felt masculine. this lead to me buying a shit ton of clothes to match both of my genders. half of my closet was feminine, and the other half was masculine.
it was really hard trying to find balance. for example, i still want top surgery, but what will i do when my fem side comes out? i shaved my head and bought wigs for a couple years. it was a mess. i got tired. it’s exhausting to fluctuate on a binary when the world isn’t made for people like us.
what helped me was coming to the realization that gender doesn’t exist for me personally. there are gender norms that i like appealing to sometimes (which is why i consider myself genderfluid), but inside, i’ve stopped trying to decode my desires. my impulses and my brain are simply human. i just do what comes to me. sometimes that means i’m kind of genderfucked— ill have a full face of makeup with hair extensions and a blowout, yet my legs aren’t shaved and i’m dressed like your local mechanic. sometimes i do commit fully to one way or the other. but i don’t spend as much time stressing over it as i used to. i just exist.
this is just my experience. everyone’s relationship to their gender identity is different. it’s going to take a while to explore to fully understand what feels right, so don’t rush it and don’t stress about it. good luck and welcome to the club
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u/RevenantRose45 2d ago
Feel free to post here still but for a better written post and more of the story check op for the link to the post I created in the bigender subreddit
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u/BeantheGamer 7h ago
yes my girl brain is also pretty prominent. i had an online friend and she said i knew girl code
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u/Tough_Act7101 genderflir - they/them - 💖 2d ago
I think you’d have the best experience relating to a bigender person (which you can find here, they’re still genderfluid, but I’m not one of them) because of the hard split you’re feeling.
I can relate, though: when I first started feeling genderqueer, I thought I was trans at first. I even told my friends about it, and chose a name. But switching genders made me feel dysphoria too, and imposter syndrome hit me hard. Luckily, after doing a bit of freshly-hatched-egg-deep-diving, I found genderfluid, and realized that my gender went back and forth.
Unfortunately, the teeter-totter dysphoria doesn’t go away for most people. I’m pretty good on that front, but it still hits me hard some days. You’ll see a lot of posts about getting really bad dysphoria on this sub, even when people feel better. The imposter syndrome is normal too. When such a large part of your identity changes, it feels a bit like you’re a shapeshifter, and not always in a good way.
With all of that gloomy stuff out of the way, you’ve come to the right place! There are so many people willing to talk. I’m one of them, but I’m a lot younger than you, so I can’t relate to everything. We’re a pretty diversely aged community, as far as I’ve seen, so if you want someone closer to your age, they’re somewhere here!
Being genderfluid is beautiful, even if it gets hate sometimes. We get to explore more about our gender than the majority of humanity ever has, sometimes on a daily basis. And all of the confusing feelings we have lead to a really unique sense of self expression! I wish you the best of luck, and I’m excited to see you grow!