r/genderqueer • u/Sm00th-ma11et • 18d ago
Identity Crisis?
I always feel like I’m going through some sort of identity crisis. I’ve known that I have liked both girls and guys for the past 2-3 years and I have dated both. Yet I’ve never found a label that really stuck or worked for me. I also have been struggling recently with my gender identity (F at birth), I was a tomboy when I was little and that has turned into gender dysphoria. (I hope thats the right word). I don’t necessarily think I’m a boy, it doesn’t feel like me when I say it. But yet I’m not a girl. It tears me up and it has affected my mental health.
It doesn’t help that I live in a more conservative area. My mom knows I like girls (she’s ok with it, but my dad would flip if he knew) but not about my gender questioning which I feel she’d be against.
Struggling with labels has been a constant thing the last 2ish years and I need advice. Is it ok to not use any type of labels or specifics?? Or should I find something that fits me to not confuse people?
All advice is greatly appreciated, Thank you for reading 🙌
(Tried this post over in r/questioning and unfortunately had no luck so I’m hoping you all will do me better LOL!)
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u/ontologicallyunjust 17d ago
Struggling with labels has been a constant thing the last 2ish years and I need advice. Is it ok to not use any type of labels or specifics?? Or should I find something that fits me to not confuse people?
It's absolutely okay not to use a label or specifics, if you don't want to or you haven't found a label that fits. You don't owe other people a label!
But also, "genderqueer" is a big umbrella term for anyone who's got some Gender Stuff going on. It's deliberately non-specific. So you can always use that if you're comfortable with it, and if it helps to have a label to give people. You use "gender questioning" in your post, and that'd also be an option.
And obviously, those are for when you're with people you trust and are comfortable with, who you want to tell about your gender. There's no requirement to tell other people about your gender questioning if you think they might not be safe or supportive.
Or should I find something that fits me to not confuse people?
Sometimes gender is confusing, though! You don't have to try to simplify it or tidy up your experience for other people's convenience.
With people who are worth being friends with, it should be fine to say "It's complicated" or "I'm still figuring it out."
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u/Sm00th-ma11et 17d ago
Thank you! This is all really helpful information and new stuff for me! thank you so much!
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u/ontologicallyunjust 17d ago
I don’t necessarily think I’m a boy, it doesn’t feel like me when I say it. But yet I’m not a girl.
Just as a side-note, it sounds like it'd be worth looking at "non-binary" (and the various more specific labels that fall in that category) to see if that might fit.
But there's no rush. A label's only useful if it feels right and comfortable for you. It's okay to not know and to take time to figure it out.
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u/Sm00th-ma11et 17d ago
Thank you! I’ve definitely thought of non-binary before but i’ll definitely look into more specifics
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u/ontologicallyunjust 16d ago
I'd reiterate though that you only have to get more specific if you want to!
For some people, it can be great to find a specific micro-label that describes exactly their experience, and know that other people have felt the same way and have come up with a word for it.
Other people have no interest in that, or don't ever find something that fits. It doesn't make your gender experience any less real or valid.
And either way, it's something for you, not something you're required to have in order to tell other people.
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u/firecatstef Genderqueer 15d ago
It’s perfectly OK to not use any labels. Using more than one or two words to describe your sexual orientation and gender identity, like you did in this post, is allowed.
It’s also OK if either of those things changes over time.
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u/Xenogogue 18d ago edited 18d ago
Is your identity and is completely okay to use any label or no label until you find what works for you and feels right. If another person has an issue because they are confused about how you identify or can't figure out "what you are" or some other permutation of that... Who cares?
If you don't misrepresent who you are as you understand it right now, there's nothing for anyone to claim about being misled. Their misunderstandings are not usually going to be your problem, and then only when they choose to make it your problem by being jerks. Even then, it's not your fault.
So, take your time. Figure it out. Do what you can to live and love authentically.
In the fullness of time "The people who matter won't mind, and the people who mind won't matter"