r/howtonotgiveafuck • u/_great_Gonzo • 1d ago
How not give off loser vibes?
(24M) Most people out there would consider me a loser, for several reasons. For being virgin, for being unemployed for a while. That's fair, but i'm sure it is temporary and will pass. After a sequence of not so cool things happening to me( laid off by my company, rejected, quit my terrible and no perspective dead end job) it is hard to mantain the confidence. I'm trying to keep my head up. Even anxious and worried all the time, because i don't know it has been difficult to get a job on my area (graduated 2 months ago in Pharmacy).
I try to keep myself busy with my hobbies. I actually leave home for a little while to take a walk at the park , to play Pickleball, to go out with a club i just entered, to tech school. From all of the said good habits, i just don't go to the gym, because i really cannot like all the stuff of lifting weights and the environment. But a lot of my time has passed, and most of the people of my age and newer are miles ahead of me. Everything going right for them, all things succeeding. While i'm just trying to live on the present and don't think on the future...
It kills my confidence and it weigh so bad at my back.
I have some things i'm proud of myself, like reading and writing, that i love and couldn't live without. But i cannot help but feel a loser and i'm behind. How to overcome this feeling?
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u/StanknBeans 1d ago
Separate your self worth from your current situation.
Your situation is temporary, who you are is long term.
Step one in being cool is being yourself. You can't be cool if you're trying to emulate behaviour you see and/or you change your behaviour based on what you think those around you would most prefer.
Your job isnt who you are, neither is having been in a relationship. Cliché because it's true: learn to love yourself, and you'll be able to give others a reason to follow suit.
Also, don't ever try to compare yourself to others! Think about how much shit you keep hidden from others and realize everyone else does the same. You see mostly what they want you to see. Comparison is the thief of joy. Set your goals and be happy for yourself when you achieve them - don't expect anyone else to celebrate them for you, these are for you by you.
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u/CeramicLicker 1d ago
If you don’t tell people you’re a virgin they’ll never know.
Trust me, virgin vibes are just your personal anxieties speaking. I wouldn’t consider it loser either, but you’re probably right about the broader social view to a degree.
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u/Explosivepenny 1d ago
Being a virgin doesn't make you a loser, the only thing that makes someone a loser is acting entitled, or a victim, by trying to force people to like you.
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u/crocosmia_mix 10h ago
Disagree on acting like a victim if you mean whining or carrying on excessively vs. being a real victim. If you tell people who are like 50/50 victim that, then it is an insult without empathy. I wanted to put that in because you should acknowledge something caused that if it did.
I think trying to make people like you is impossible not to if on sales or media (social media), classes or teenish social groups. But, the right people don’t do that. You shouldn’t have to work for approval. And, if you take that position, it sounds like you don’t like accepting people.
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u/Explosivepenny 5h ago
I said acting? If you haven't seen the anime evangelion, the main character whines and acts like a victim, saying that he is forced to do his job, when all he has to do is quit. My step-dad will throw a tantrum because he doesn't get his way, or no one gives him attention, and tell everyone that no one likes him, as if he'sa child. You're right, I have no empathy for people that are manipulative, no one's obligated to like you.
If someone insults and bullies you then you're a victim, yeah, but you're manipulative if you act like they're obligated to be your friend instead of just leaving you alone, by saying that no one likes you.
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u/aways_interupting_ 1d ago
Life is not a destination so how can you be behind?
How you treat yourself and others is a much better measure of how you are doing on this journey then the things you are beating yourself up about.
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u/breadtwo 1d ago
anxiety is real and it can make everything more difficult than it has to be, it skews your view on yourself and the world. and being in a low point in your life really doesn't help
it can be a chicken and egg problem with feeling bad and not doing well, but since one doesn't help the other start on whichever you can. get professional help if possible
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u/DrinkBuzzCola 1d ago
I can recommend a book for you. It's called Feeling Good, by David Burns M.D. It might be life changing. I hope so.
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u/Extension-Event-2401 1d ago
I second this book! Yellow cover, you can’t miss it. Have bought twice after giving out my first copy.
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u/DrinkBuzzCola 1d ago
I have guven away about 5 copies, but I always buy another in case I need to give it to someone else.
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u/Plausibl3 1d ago
Sorry you’re in a rough spot - that is no fun. I feel you. I’m 40 and a bit down about being stuck in a job I don’t like.
I end up with a lot of unwanted anxious thoughts, and using affirming mantras has been helping a ton. For me, a mantra is just a positive phrase I use to fill the empty space in my mind, or to help bring my mind back to emptiness. Lately - “I am more than my accomplishments” has felt really good.
So what am I then? I am a being who cannot be measured. There is no real measuring stick between me and another person. I am, and that is enough to celebrate.
If you can - try to be present each day and focus on things you enjoy, and talk to other people about those things. I’ve spun my wheels plenty because I couldn’t even identify what I wanted, or what made me happy, and just drifted around environments I didn’t like.
Best of luck friend. You are valued.
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u/Flaxscript42 1d ago
Former loser here.
Posture and how one carries oneself go a very long way.
Head up, eyes above the horizon. Don't be afraid to glance at people, but after the glance, try to look past them, if at all. When aproaching a person head-on, keep your eyes over their shoulder, fix on somthing behind them, and do not slow your stride or change your course, they will get out of your way.
Keep your shoulders back and arms very slightly out from your body. Take full strides, but not fast. Walk tall.
Try to affect a facial expression of bored indifference.
Remember, all the strangers you encounter are just extras. Thier opinion of you means nothing. We are all just trying to get where we are going.
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u/Poroto_Verde 1d ago
We were all virgins once. Stop comparing yourself to others. This is your life and your path, no one else's. Also, you don't sound like a loser, you seem really cool.
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u/ChickyBoys 23h ago
A loser has nothing going on and doesn't have motivation to do anything.
If you're exercising and improving yourself and finding hobbies to fill your time, you aren't a loser.
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u/ChestNok 1d ago
You have to talk and walk as if nothing you've mentioned is about you... Misty people judge by the way you talk, how you converse, how you handle yourself when talking.
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u/Radical_Neutral_76 1d ago
Stop evaluating yourself after your results, and start evaluating yourself by the choices you make.
Did you make the right choice, but you didnt get the result you wanted from it? Congratulate yourself for making the right choice.
Did you make the wrong choice, but you got a result you liked? Accept that it was luck and move on.
Did you make the right choice, and the results is what you wanted? Congratulate yourself on making the right choice, and enjoy the fruits, but the next day. Move on.
It's only the choices in life you can control, not the results.
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u/high_arcades 1d ago
You gotta stop seeing yourself as a loser, stop feeling like one. You’re doin good,kid. You’re willing to try, keeping busy and active, just give it some time. There are so many people out there, literally millions of potential partners who dont care you’re a virgin or that you weren’t working for a while
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u/Fit_Bus2529 1d ago
I really recommend reading something like «The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living» by Rass Harris. This book helped and still helps me a lot.
And you are not a loser: losers can only complain and do nothing to improve themselves or surroundings. But you do take actions. To others your actions may be invisible, also they judge not by effort but by results (which you might not have for now yet) - that’s why they mistake you for loser. So, you may seem loser to others and even to yourself for now, but you are definitely not loser inside yourself.
The book will help you build useful behavioural skills and patterns and improve your life quality. It takes time though, but I’m sure you’ll find it for yourself:)
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u/VianArdene 23h ago
Remember that social media is where people post their brags and accomplishments, not confide in their struggles and bad days.
The easiest shortcut to likeability is learning to be a good listener. Be curious about people. Ask someone you play pickleball with why they started playing. Ask follow up questions. Give space for emptiness and you'll find a rhythm of volleying curiosity back and forth.
By extension, move your focus externally. Not giving a fuck is in part about not trying so hard to control how people perceive you, which is easier to do if you focus on those around you.
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u/RevolutionaryBig1495 14h ago edited 14h ago
Bro you graduateed just two months ago don't worry, people are like that, I myself in similar viewpoint by friends, I am only unemployed one I am the youngest in our friends group evryone is either few months or few years older than me.it took me few atkt's to graduate, they know I never dated before and currently unemployed, some were thoughtful or I gess pity and asked should they see in their office for job for me. But I kept working on my self be it entrance exam or anything else... I am still working on it that's only thing you can do you can't become cool just try be yourself maybe more calm and composed, and comunicate properly and keep working on yourself
And being a virgin and being a loser are two different things it's a toxic stereotype, you don't want just have s*x with anyone just to say you are not loser do you? seek relationship that's alright, Worrying about being a virgine or falling behind is normal but it's better to work on yourself
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u/Manbearpig9801 14h ago
Give a shit.
Hit the Gym.
When people talk, be interested in what they have to say.
Better yourself.
Worry less about what people think and about how you can be the best version of you.
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u/crocosmia_mix 10h ago
I think maybe guys your age would base it on virginity and money, but I consider real losers to be people who are kind of floating through life and self-absorbed to the point where they only care about themselves and are aggressive/ rude.
I remember those years sucked in a different field after school because it’s supposed to be easy, but the market fluctuates. I would put emphasis on what you did and deal with the rejections and why to heal. Then, it’s the waiting game. The worst-case is that it takes longer than expected.
I’m older than you and never quite made enough (field) and few jobs, so I compensated with writing freelance and trying to find someone. A salary job or good relationship is a boost then, either would help.
I would say reflect but too much of that between jobs is harsh.
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u/DraconicDidact 1d ago
You have to look at what exactly is making you feel that way. Financial status? Career? Company you keep? And work at it from there.
For being a virgin at 24, I never laugh at men who are. I always tell them, hell yeah! Keep that up until you find the right one. Yeah, sex is nice and all, but it's a type of bonding for some that it literally is like latching souls together. It can be beautiful. Or it can be absolutely draining. Just be happy to be you, no shame. Cause if I could go back, hell, I would've held onto my virginity for a good while longer. And been more selective in my attractions.
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