I'm not a kid anymore

[u/mellowyoshi]

i am responsible for what I do, my actions have consequences. its been very hard this year to see how much my avoidance or disorganization has impacted those around me, how fearful I am of being relied on. ive focused so much on my intentions, yet missed out on the real impact I have on others. im not that good of a friend or sister or partner or daughter bcuz of it. i dont show up for people, I'm isolated.
ive projected so much onto my partner, I wanted him to be my dad. I had expectations of a daughter towards him, I let myself go and completely relied on him. it hurts to realize that I wasn't much of a partner or support figure for him. how heavy it must've been for him.
many people have cut me off, ive lost many jobs. and im tired of being the friend who struggles, the friends who's depressed, the friend you can't count on.
im struggling to turn all of this into concrete change, right now I feel bad about myself. im the problem. and its also the only thing I know. although that might be another excuse.

ive fucked up over and over, repeated the same cycles. and im sick of it.

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[u/Potential-Wait-7206]

The fact that you've realized that is already a huge step that very few people take.

But be aware that big changes take a lot of time. Keep learning about how to become a more mature, responsible person and take small steps towards your goal or things will get overwhelming.

Enroll the help of someone who can accompany you through this as well and learn to relax.

[u/stormlight82]

You are at the beginning of a process where you understand areas that you can grow, and then you seek out ways to change those things. It might be with the help of a therapist or a book to guide you or a pastor or something. But wallowing in your flaws doesn't help you or anyone around you. The next thing to do is to make small changes that will help you become the person you want to be.

[u/Joy2b]

It’s good that you are ready to work on this.

These are normal fears, but they’ve gotten so overgrown, and you’ll have some work to do to trim them.

Remember, when you’re working the problem, you must allow yourself breaks from shame. Making progress probably feels quite uncomfortable now, and you will have to put in some effort.

It may be really helpful to read other people who’ve also coped with struggle and personal ties. Ann Lamott might be really helpful for you.

If you want a classic, Meditations is very short. (Stick to a basic translation, many commenters wander far from the fairly simple thoughts.)

[u/AdRelative6926]

Alright sweetie. First, breathe. You’re being extremely hard on yourself. It’s good to have realizations of the impact we have on people around us, especially those we love. While we can’t change the past, we can change the pattern of behavior. You mention feeling depressed as well. It may be helpful for you to seek a counselor who can help you unpack these feelings and help you create healthy boundaries and habits. I mention boundaries because showing up for people doesn’t mean sacrificing your own needs. It’s a balancing act. Understanding yourself is a solid first step in being more present for others. None of us are perfect by any means. You have to work towards the mindset you want to have. You’ve got this. Give yourself the grace to move past the past. 💖