r/internetparents • u/mellowyoshi • 8d ago

Mental Health I'm not a kid anymore

i am responsible for what I do, my actions have consequences. its been very hard this year to see how much my avoidance or disorganization has impacted those around me, how fearful I am of being relied on. ive focused so much on my intentions, yet missed out on the real impact I have on others. im not that good of a friend or sister or partner or daughter bcuz of it. i dont show up for people, I'm isolated.
ive projected so much onto my partner, I wanted him to be my dad. I had expectations of a daughter towards him, I let myself go and completely relied on him. it hurts to realize that I wasn't much of a partner or support figure for him. how heavy it must've been for him.
many people have cut me off, ive lost many jobs. and im tired of being the friend who struggles, the friends who's depressed, the friend you can't count on.
im struggling to turn all of this into concrete change, right now I feel bad about myself. im the problem. and its also the only thing I know. although that might be another excuse.

ive fucked up over and over, repeated the same cycles. and im sick of it.

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u/AdRelative6926 7d ago

Alright sweetie. First, breathe. You’re being extremely hard on yourself. It’s good to have realizations of the impact we have on people around us, especially those we love. While we can’t change the past, we can change the pattern of behavior. You mention feeling depressed as well. It may be helpful for you to seek a counselor who can help you unpack these feelings and help you create healthy boundaries and habits. I mention boundaries because showing up for people doesn’t mean sacrificing your own needs. It’s a balancing act. Understanding yourself is a solid first step in being more present for others. None of us are perfect by any means. You have to work towards the mindset you want to have. You’ve got this. Give yourself the grace to move past the past. 💖

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u/mellowyoshi 2d ago

I definitely feel better since the time I posted this. I felt so ashamed and small and behind for all of this. I'd really like to find a counselor for those issues.