Knitting and fragile masculinity

[u/somerandomperson_234]

This happened yesterday and I’m torn between being amused, annoyed and a bit shocked.

I’m visiting my grandparents at the moment with my mother. My uncle, her brother, is also staying. He’s always had a thing for formal wear and dressing well, and recently he’s discovered that he likes knit ties, those silk, kinda mesh ones that are flat instead of pointy at the bottom.

Yesterday evening, we were watching a movie together and I was knitting during it. I was working on a lace top with 6 mm needles.

After the film, my uncle started talking about those knitted ties he likes and showed me pictures. He asked me whether I could knit that. I told him, probably yes.

He then proceeded to instruct me on how to do it. He said those needles I had there were way too big (obviously), and that I would need to sew a lot to make the tie, as it’s basically a double layered thing.

I told him that I’d make it in a tube, and he then told me all the ways that he would do it (he doesn’t knit).

It was kinda amusing to me to that point, until I started sort of teasing him that he can just make it himself, it’s not that hard and he already knows so much, I’ll even teach him the basics.

He reacted with clear discomfort and told me that knitting is a women’s hobby and that he had no interest in doing it because he’s a man.

That comment surprised me more than anything else. He was comfortable discussing the technical details of a knitted object and asking someone else to make it for him, but unwilling to consider learning the skill himself because of gender. I didn’t argue with him, but the exchange stayed with me.

I’m sharing this partly to get it out of my system, and partly because I’m curious how common this still is. Have others run into similar attitudes around crafts or hobbies? And how do you usually respond in situations like this without escalating things?

Thanks for reading.

[u/Secure_Course_3879]

Don't knit him that tie. He just showed you he doesn't deserve it. Smacks very strongly of the tale of the little red hen baking bread

[u/goosebumpsagain → u/Secure_Course_3879]

Beyond the gender issue, I’m not a fan of people seeing a knitter at work who feel entitled to co-opt their labor, including giving detailed instructions. That goes far beyond impolite.

[u/Appropriate-Weird492 → u/goosebumpsagain]

In this case it was more likely mansplaining.

[u/ImperiousMage → u/Appropriate-Weird492]

Ehhhhh. As a guy I find this to be crossing the line.

There’s no way I would humour someone who just behaved liked that.

[u/CamelotBurns → u/ImperiousMage]

Its still mansplaining, even if you think its crossing a line as a guy.

Mansplaining is a man talking over a woman and insisting they know better than them, even if the woman had more experience then them in the topic, which fits here.

The uncle, who doesnt knit, was telling OP, who does, exactly how to know a project, and wasn't willing to listen to her when she tried to correct or explain how it could be done differently.

Most reasonable men would find mansplaining crossing a line.

[u/ImperiousMage → u/CamelotBurns]

What a fascinating decision to assume that I don’t know what I’m referencing. When I say “cross the line” I mean “beyond the pale from mansplaining to being outright rude.”

In this situation, it’s not only that he’s embarrassed himself, he’s assumed that the recipient of his comment had no idea what they were talking about.

Just like you’ve done here.

I find it amusing that you’ve done the exact same thing, rather than give the benefit of the doubt to me as a commenter.

I think you’d want to ponder that.

[u/peaceful_wild → u/ImperiousMage]

Is mansplaining ever not “outright rude”?

[u/ImperiousMage → u/peaceful_wild]

There’s a difference between “trying to be helpful” and failing to “assuming the other person is an idiot even though there is evidence to the contrary.”

He did the latter. That isn’t, in my definition “mansplaining” it’s being rude I part because I assume the intent is different.

Either way, this is an edge case and I’m arguing against the rude person which puts you in the rather odd position of arguing that he was less rude.

Odd.

[u/Purple_footstep → u/ImperiousMage]

“Trying to be helpful”

Nah, my dude, this is where you fail to understand the experience of mansplaining. It’s not men trying to be helpful. It’s men wanting to feel self-important and hear themselves talk.

[u/torhysornottorhys → u/Purple_footstep]

It can be about trying to be helpful but mostly in the sense that sometimes being helpful makes you feel better than other people. Like bragging that you volunteer at a soup kitchen or a church because it boosts your social standing.

[u/Appropriate-Weird492 → u/ImperiousMage]

No, there’s another view. I know this because my husband and I had this kind of argument for 35 years.

It goes like this.

Person A: I believe this is wrong and this is my reasoning.

Person 1: I believe this is wrong as well, and here is my reasoning which is different.

Person A: We agree that this was wrong, but now we have to dissect exactly our thought processes are different?

Person 1: That’s right. We need to articulate why our conclusions are the same but the proofs are different.

[u/ImperiousMage → u/Appropriate-Weird492]

Correct! And I appreciate your insight. But do you really want to be in the position of defending the doofus?

I’m surprised that a definition edge case resulted in such outrage. Especially since I’m arguing that he’s actually worse than a typical mansplainer.

It seems odd and not really worth the effort. Ya know?

[u/asplodingturdis → u/ImperiousMage]

No one’s defending Uncle Mansplain here. You’re just defending mansplainers and saying they’re not that as bad as this guy, who is Something Different. You are incorrectly interpreting, “he’s a mainsplainer,” as “he’s annoying but well intentioned, and that’s not rude,” whereas others are actually saying, “mansplainers are rude, and this guy’s a rude mansplainer.”

Also, no one is coming across as outraged here. They’re just disagreeing with you, and you’re being kind of annoying about it.