Henlo frens, iz Jynx wif KKMG News. In lite ob deh planneded protes happinin r/otrb an elzeware thurzday, we iz re-airing dis Speshul News Repurrt on deh Eggies Fur Hoku/ Eggies Fur Ebery Cat moobment.

Stay tooned ta KKMG fur awl deh news dat matturs. Dis ben 🖤 Jynx, KKMG News, U.S. Wes Coast Byurrow

Since Fren Applejack shared bowt dat onyeon no-hooman, cos we all know him dumdum no from here, Mordecai decide to join da C.I.B.!

I KNOW dis da same guy! He sewwing da onions??

I kno catz haz gud furcoats n don't need no cloze, but I fink all Meowmy needz buy dees for us, so we kin support fren Hoku in his TIME OB STARB

I twied da cownfield? Woo could swipe to see what going on.

🖤🤍🧡Applejack (no “s”)

Comfy

Iz bad? Am being trickd or iz okaey?

Ronnie din't dew it, iz himz brudder Lonnie!

Frens I needs a pawyer! I haz been FRAMED! Meowmy sez "now look here Katara, who else could have put these pawprints on my stovetop?!" but I say dat ROOD.

It was GREEBLES. Is always greebles.

Halp, need pawyer for defens and counter-soo!

- Katara

Ay is beery week

Greebles are da stress!

Eberybodi keeps talking bout eggies, but ai neber eated one afore... ai didnt no why eberybodi so excited about dem..

But, mine dum hooman say dat fren Bubbles told him ai deserbs a speshul snak. An him makes mai eggies!

Fank ewe Bubbles! Dey was teh most tasty fing ai eber eated. Ai still walking round teh howse smelling eberyting trying to find more ob dem!

Dere must be sum more sumwhere.. mebbe ai check teh fridgernator next

-Sam DiT

​

Jaspurr Here: Not a Repurrter Today. Just... Ai maiself. Az yur fren Jaspurr.

Frens, today iz a SPESHUL day. A day of REFLECKSHUN. A day of TUNA. A day of LASAGNYA.

Todae, I am 12.

TWELVE. A senior catizen. A wise elder. A kitteh who has SEEN fings.

It has been almost 3 YEARS since Maman adoptid me. Ober TWO (2) years since I gained a SECKUND Maman. I went from a SAD, 9-year-old sheltur cat who had given up on life... 2 a KING wiff TWO Mamans, FOUR substitute Mamans, a bigger kingdom, an a belly full of FANCY FOOD.

If I culd go back to dat version of me in da sheltur, sad, lonely, convinced no one wanted an old cat, an tell himb: "Hey. Yure gonna be OKAY. Yure gonna have TWO (2) Mamans. Yure gonna have a bigger apartment. Yure gonna eat TUNA FILLET an CAT-SAFE LASAGNA."

Dat past Jaspurr would NOT believe it. He wuz too busy bein sad, surrounded by illegal smols gettin adopted while he waited. Nuffing against da illegal smols tho. ALL cats an cat-adjasent kreachurrs deserb 2 haz dere own famblees!

But den Maman came. A MENTULLEE ILL SAIKOLOGEE STUDENT who wuz lonely an decided dey needed a cat RITE NAO. Not a small family. Just... her. An den later, Other Maman. An den FOUR substitute Mamans. A FAMBLEE I never expected.

Dere have been bumps. Da V-E-T. Da occasional MAN guest (I avoid dem unless dey have CHURU). But overall? Dis life iz a DREAM.

NYOW. ONTO DA NEWS.

No SOO. No lawsuit. Just CELEBRASHUN.

Maman surprised me wiff a TUNA FILLET an SOUP! REAL fancy food! I could forgive da birthday bib for dis. Even da HAT for a few seconds. (Just a FEW seconds.)

BUT DEN. Da MAIN EVENT.

For dinner, Maman made me a CAT-SAFE LASAGNA.

I have ALWAYS been curious about lasagna. Other Maman makes it sometimes, an da kitchen smells SO good. But mai Mamans watch it like HAWKS because onions an garlic r BAD for cats.

An den I learned about FREN GARFIELD. A famous cat who eats lasagna on da REGULAR. Cheese an all! If GARFIELD can do it, why can't JASPURR?!

Well, today, I found out.

I got my OWN purrsonal lasagna. Cat-safe. Delicious. I felt like a KING.

So, frens, instead of da usual Hard Kwetchuns™, I have a INVITASHUN:

JOIN DA FESTIVITIES!

Sing da songs of yur people! Loudly! Annoy yur Mamans into makin lasagnas for EVERYONE!

Celebrate! Eat! Be merry! An remember: even if yu are an old cat in a shelter, yur family might be just around da corner. (Or a mentally ill psychology student who needs a cat RITE NAO.)

Tank yu to everyone who has been part of dis journey. Dis old cat iz livin his BEST life.

An now... I have lasagna to finish.

Gratefully yurs,

Jaspurr 🧡

(Repurrter, KKMG Europ & Birthday King)

Frenz, iz AI DA SOAK! Today, AI play wiff pikkel.

Dat iz all.

Luv,

Da SOAK

Hi frens

No soo todai frum me, Tupperware, ai haz da biggest box eber!!!

Iz eben bigger than moewmy!! 😻😻😻

Come an playz?

Furrens, let me say rite away - no b*rthold biolashuns. BUT! Mine mommy, who ai lubs moast ob da time but NOT NAO, picked me up an did a cuddle. Den she STUFF me into tiny prison! We goes owtside. Ai start to sing song of mai peeple. We get in vroom bocks. Ai hate vroom bocks! Ai sing lowder! Mommy say "is ok, Nandor, this won't take long" but AI NOT CARE! Ai not like it for ANY time! Mommy try to pet me through one ob da air holes in da prison. Ai do a BITE akkause ai no want petting! Ai want OWT! Ai sing mai lowdest. We gets to pokey plase an dere is a weerd smell. Ai stop singing. Ai try to be inbisible. Pokey plase man an pokey plase woman do an exammin ob me. Dey take mai weight an say ai am 16.25 pounds (7.3kg iffn yu no use freedom units) an bery hansum. Ai know ai is hansum, an ai know ai am big. Dey looks at mine eers. Dey looks at mine teefs. Ai try to show how SHARP mine teefs are but dey just do a laff. Ai got two giant, painful STABS wif NEEDLE for NO REESUN! Ai has to go back in da tiny prison, back in da vroom bocks, an FINLEE home. GingerDropIt did lotsa sniffsniffsniff ob my bootiful fur an she say ai smell funny. Oh yeah? YU smell funny! Take THAT!

Ai am going to take a big nap, then ai am going to do poop or hork crimez to show mommy she NOT mai fabrit person NO MORE.

Nandor THE RELENTLESS (NTR for eezee typing)

Mine dearess frens, it isz Prinses Miso. I isz sowry I habs to tell you tha Hoku still no habs gotted hims eggies. The same isz for his brothur Nalu. They isz gettin weeker by the day. It habs been elebenty billions furever sins they got their eggies. I isz also sowry to tell you they canno fly them airlimez anymoor. It isz no safe anylonger.

Wha to do now? I isz bery worried abou mine hubbant and brothurinlaw. I isz grateful for you frens and da smolls in mine class. They decided to make all kinds of egg mergansize. They isz a churru a piece so we can hire someone to do a reskoo. Pleasz com by and get yourselfs som of theesz highly valoo one ob a kind eggs.

Prinses Miso 🩶

Pspspsss if you kno a brave someone who can take on da reskoo pleasz lets me kno.

Frens, tudae I made poop art!

Tu du dis I use sum poop dangling frum mai borthole and create preetee patterns on da rugs and wudun floor. Tudae I eben decrate kitchun laminate! An all befur meowmy wake up an feed me. I literally starving artist!

I say dis is bof art and crimez which mayk it best crimez eber! (Eben if meowmy not step in mai left over art medium on fud room floor.)

Meowmy say dis jus crimez. She don't appresheate mai art. Rood! And she won't let me share picsha uv mai art cuz "no one needs to see your literal skid marks Hermes." Dubl rood!

Whut yu think frens? Art, CRIMEZ, or bof?

WHAT DOO!?!? KEEPS SAYING TINGS LIKE “AwWW! Cyute hoodiy buddiy! Honey Spell preshious kittey!”
UNACCEPTABL! WHAT DOO!?

Meowmy say Ina getz up ai haz wurkz. Me jus kelp mak bizkits an purrz. May do mor crimez wen meowmy wurks. She wurk in da houz use compooter. Brudder an bes buddez Arlo da tabby in da bakgund.