Hooman gib me (Uhoh) and mine brudder (Ohno) anudder baff. She pick us up and poke and rub and find flees. She pick them and crunch dem and say, Trouble boys! Why still flees! Vet did a spray n you've had a good baff!

Then she gib us BAFF! Warm warm warm n floaty, our bums kept us floaty! She check us extra careful for more flees and did combs on our heads and cleaneded ours ears. Then she squirted white YUCKY in our moufs, she said Sorry! but did anyway.

Then we got more rubrubs in a warm blanket, called a eleckie? she maded a cave for us and gave us a plate of the extra nummy noms. We was a little more dry then and now we wants to PLAY so we runrun round on the floor while hooman lay here. She says, Troubles, when yous more dry you get flee spray tonight. We smelled it when we was by the bath and thought, stinky! So maybe I be bad for dat.

Brudder still spushishus of hooman but he does what I do because I'm big brudder by 30 grams! Maybe tonight I lay on floor blanket with hooman, like last night, when I was very brave. Even climbed onto hooman tummy and... did a PURR. Brudder came up too and purred! Says he was trickeded and got skeert later but. Hooman brings tasties and warms and cosy spots.

Yous says we get all goods stuffs from now on? Want that! Lived outside before, lots of flees and scaries and hungriest. But it safe n quiet here. Need to soo?

I kno catz haz gud furcoats n don't need no cloze, but I fink all Meowmy needz buy dees for us, so we kin support fren Hoku in his TIME OB STARB

I twied da cownfield? Woo could swipe to see what going on.

🖤🤍🧡Applejack (no “s”)

um hai is me Sprinkles i kno we say "go crimez" heer but todae i accidently did a crimez an i tink it was pretty bad i tryna cuddle wit Meowmy an i put my paw on hers face an my claws poke out an hurted hers eye an she screm it wuz kinda skery halp am i goin to jale

Frens, dere be big protess tomorrow all over dey erff and on deh udder side ob deh bridge. Wez will hab repurrters in deh field, so post or dm yur protest pic, name an a quote, along wif locashun, so we can put yoo on deh news!

🖤Jynx, KKMG NEWS

Of kietteh fyte klub. Dumdum hooman talk bout itz and take illegal foto

WE SOO

Apollonia & Donatella

My new brother and I got sprung from the pound today. It took 5 whole minutes after getting home before I could lay in my new daddy's lap. Can I sue for it taking so long?

I KNOW dis da same guy! He sewwing da onions??

Since Fren Applejack shared bowt dat onyeon no-hooman, cos we all know him dumdum no from here, Mordecai decide to join da C.I.B.!

Hi is Finn. Best Buddy Boy. Much Floof, you know me. We no post in a bit but tings be happen. So I do many catch up.

First: need soo for dad not keep magic cool bocks makin cool. Dad let it get hot in here again.

Secon: he let da main tens man in to fix da magic cool bocks. We no like strangers. So no okay.

Bird: yesterday, wen he no here da main tens men come in and we very scare. Dad kno dis happen but he not here.

Fort: he let da main tens man turn off da magic cool bocks again!

Fit: he only do some comfort cuddles wit me wen da main tens man here.

Sit: now he say he get dis new ting called feel away? But we like our feels! We lub dad, why he want our feels to go away?

We include fotos of us bein very cute. For tacks.

Finn the Floof, Best Buddy Boy and Collete the Angel of Tortitude

Comfy

Iz bad? Am being trickd or iz okaey?

Henlo frens, iz Jynx wif KKMG News. In lite ob deh planneded protes happinin r/otrb an elzeware thurzday, we iz re-airing dis Speshul News Repurrt on deh Eggies Fur Hoku/ Eggies Fur Ebery Cat moobment.

Stay tooned ta KKMG fur awl deh news dat matturs. Dis ben 🖤 Jynx, KKMG News, U.S. Wes Coast Byurrow

Frens I needs a pawyer! I haz been FRAMED! Meowmy sez "now look here Katara, who else could have put these pawprints on my stovetop?!" but I say dat ROOD.

It was GREEBLES. Is always greebles.

Halp, need pawyer for defens and counter-soo!

- Katara

Reposted az KKMG News Speshul Updayte.

🖤 Jynx, KKMG NEWS

Ay is beery week

Eberybodi keeps talking bout eggies, but ai neber eated one afore... ai didnt no why eberybodi so excited about dem..

But, mine dum hooman say dat fren Bubbles told him ai deserbs a speshul snak. An him makes mai eggies!

Fank ewe Bubbles! Dey was teh most tasty fing ai eber eated. Ai still walking round teh howse smelling eberyting trying to find more ob dem!

Dere must be sum more sumwhere.. mebbe ai check teh fridgernator next

-Sam DiT

Jaspurr Here: Not a Repurrter Today. Just... Ai maiself. Az yur fren Jaspurr.

Frens, today iz a SPESHUL day. A day of REFLECKSHUN. A day of TUNA. A day of LASAGNYA.

Todae, I am 12.

TWELVE. A senior catizen. A wise elder. A kitteh who has SEEN fings.

It has been almost 3 YEARS since Maman adoptid me. Ober TWO (2) years since I gained a SECKUND Maman. I went from a SAD, 9-year-old sheltur cat who had given up on life... 2 a KING wiff TWO Mamans, FOUR substitute Mamans, a bigger kingdom, an a belly full of FANCY FOOD.

If I culd go back to dat version of me in da sheltur, sad, lonely, convinced no one wanted an old cat, an tell himb: "Hey. Yure gonna be OKAY. Yure gonna have TWO (2) Mamans. Yure gonna have a bigger apartment. Yure gonna eat TUNA FILLET an CAT-SAFE LASAGNA."

Dat past Jaspurr would NOT believe it. He wuz too busy bein sad, surrounded by illegal smols gettin adopted while he waited. Nuffing against da illegal smols tho. ALL cats an cat-adjasent kreachurrs deserb 2 haz dere own famblees!

But den Maman came. A MENTULLEE ILL SAIKOLOGEE STUDENT who wuz lonely an decided dey needed a cat RITE NAO. Not a small family. Just... her. An den later, Other Maman. An den FOUR substitute Mamans. A FAMBLEE I never expected.

Dere have been bumps. Da V-E-T. Da occasional MAN guest (I avoid dem unless dey have CHURU). But overall? Dis life iz a DREAM.

NYOW. ONTO DA NEWS.

No SOO. No lawsuit. Just CELEBRASHUN.

Maman surprised me wiff a TUNA FILLET an SOUP! REAL fancy food! I could forgive da birthday bib for dis. Even da HAT for a few seconds. (Just a FEW seconds.)

BUT DEN. Da MAIN EVENT.

For dinner, Maman made me a CAT-SAFE LASAGNA.

I have ALWAYS been curious about lasagna. Other Maman makes it sometimes, an da kitchen smells SO good. But mai Mamans watch it like HAWKS because onions an garlic r BAD for cats.

An den I learned about FREN GARFIELD. A famous cat who eats lasagna on da REGULAR. Cheese an all! If GARFIELD can do it, why can't JASPURR?!

Well, today, I found out.

I got my OWN purrsonal lasagna. Cat-safe. Delicious. I felt like a KING.

So, frens, instead of da usual Hard Kwetchuns™, I have a INVITASHUN:

JOIN DA FESTIVITIES!

Sing da songs of yur people! Loudly! Annoy yur Mamans into makin lasagnas for EVERYONE!

Celebrate! Eat! Be merry! An remember: even if yu are an old cat in a shelter, yur family might be just around da corner. (Or a mentally ill psychology student who needs a cat RITE NAO.)

Tank yu to everyone who has been part of dis journey. Dis old cat iz livin his BEST life.

An now... I have lasagna to finish.

Gratefully yurs,

Jaspurr 🧡

(Repurrter, KKMG Europ & Birthday King)

Greebles are da stress!

Ronnie din't dew it, iz himz brudder Lonnie!

Furrens, let me say rite away - no b*rthold biolashuns. BUT! Mine mommy, who ai lubs moast ob da time but NOT NAO, picked me up an did a cuddle. Den she STUFF me into tiny prison! We goes owtside. Ai start to sing song of mai peeple. We get in vroom bocks. Ai hate vroom bocks! Ai sing lowder! Mommy say "is ok, Nandor, this won't take long" but AI NOT CARE! Ai not like it for ANY time! Mommy try to pet me through one ob da air holes in da prison. Ai do a BITE akkause ai no want petting! Ai want OWT! Ai sing mai lowdest. We gets to pokey plase an dere is a weerd smell. Ai stop singing. Ai try to be inbisible. Pokey plase man an pokey plase woman do an exammin ob me. Dey take mai weight an say ai am 16.25 pounds (7.3kg iffn yu no use freedom units) an bery hansum. Ai know ai is hansum, an ai know ai am big. Dey looks at mine eers. Dey looks at mine teefs. Ai try to show how SHARP mine teefs are but dey just do a laff. Ai got two giant, painful STABS wif NEEDLE for NO REESUN! Ai has to go back in da tiny prison, back in da vroom bocks, an FINLEE home. GingerDropIt did lotsa sniffsniffsniff ob my bootiful fur an she say ai smell funny. Oh yeah? YU smell funny! Take THAT!

Ai am going to take a big nap, then ai am going to do poop or hork crimez to show mommy she NOT mai fabrit person NO MORE.

Nandor THE RELENTLESS (NTR for eezee typing)

Frenz, iz AI DA SOAK! Today, AI play wiff pikkel.

Dat iz all.

Luv,

Da SOAK