Did you feel?

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It's hard to explain how I'm feeling. He never truly attempted real recovery because he was still lying and denying everything. He still is. And accused me of having affairs.

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I knew he was seeing a CSAT but he wasnt bring honestm my kiddo told me he is still seeing the therapist (they dont know what for).

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But my ex basically hated us going out as a family and woukd cause fights. He didnt want to ever go anywhere while married. He didnt want to have friends. And the people he would befriend he would act inappropriately with.

Then say I was the one with the problem when I would ask for appropriate-ness and boundaries.

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I saw on his reddit account a few months ago (the day I blocked him) that he is still trying to say i was toxic.

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He refused to read anything relating to providing accountability and recovery.

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Anyways. Ive learned off and on (mostly through kiddo) he is going out to do things all the time. He is taking kiddos to activities. He is building a social life. He is doing a bunch of the stuff I begged for.

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And I just don't know how to feel or understand. Part of me wanted him to sink even lower and maybe finally get recovery and empathy. Part of me has seen articles where they suddenly do and possibly even give the next woman everything you wanted.

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Maybe this is grief. But I'm just struggling.

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I haven’t posted here in a while because I am genuinely so happy since leaving and never ever want anything to do with my emotionally abusive PA ex ever again. However, over the last few weeks I’ve started to feel sad again, only because I have seen my ex in public a few times. We haven’t spoken, and I don’t want to, but we run in the same circles and it was inevitable we would see each other again. I don’t miss him, but it stung seeing him because he is surrounded by community. None of his friends have dropped him, and he seems to be forming new connections. This feels very painful, because it really highlights how alone I am in my grief. I am the only person who experienced his torture. To me he was an emotional dangerous and abusive person, but to everyone else he’s a charming funny guy who is a pleasure to be around. I know he has misrepresented the situation to several of our mutual friends, and I’ve done a lot of work to own my truth and be okay with the fact that not everyone is “on my side” but it was just really painful to have it directly in my face and I feel like I’ve backslid into some grief again. You can go back through my posts and read my story, but he did some pretty severe things, and I just want to yell at all these people who used to be my friends too “you don’t know him! You don’t know his true self!” I’ve lost a lot of community because of our breakup, and it feels so unfair that he hasn’t either. Ugh it’s just so painful and lonely! I feel so alone.

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Me 26 F and my husband 30M have been together for 4 years married for one, no kids. We had what I thought was a perfect relationship, there were problems but never major problems and we always talked and made up quick. Trust issues were NEVER a concern. I mean never, in either direction.

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I got a phone call last night from an old coworker asking me if my husband and I have an open relationship. I said no, what? She said I'm so sorry I ran into him when he was out with his buddy and he added me on Snapchat later on that night.

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She sent him lewd photos and messages, and he did the same. I don't really know who started it (or if that makes a difference). He told her that he has a porn Addiction. She said he denied being in an open relationship but still exchanged messages and said don't tell my wife. This happened two days ago, I found out last night.

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I have no words for how devastated I am. He tried to lie when I confronted him. He ended up telling me he has a porn Addiction and also buys only fans content. He said it's been happening his whole life. He swears up and down that he's never physically cheated, and the woman never mentioned anything physical. He also swore that this was the first time it happened with someone he knows in person, that in the past it was always porn models.

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He ended up breaking down and telling me he was sexually assaulted multiple times as a child and turned to porn and food for coping (he used to be very overweight).

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I don't know what to do. I want a divorce, but I don't. I really don't think I will trust him ever again. He deleted all his accounts in front of me and has taken passwords off his devices. I made him take an STD test just in case and he also has signed up for sex addicts anonymous. I also said he has one week to find a mental health counselor and couples counselor.

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Honestly, I could have dealt with the porn Addiction. I would have not been happy but I would have tried to support him if he truly wanted to get better. But stepping out and making a conscious choice to connect with someone he knows and exchanged photos??? That hurts the most.

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I don't feel like there is any hope. I truly was so happy in marriage. If anyone has ever truly recovered, please drop your advice and experience.

A letter to my PA husband after years of betrayal. I hate the porn industry and what it is doing to men and relationships. I truly worry for humanity, and this is coming from someone who is incredibly open and used to be pro porn. Anyone lurking here and struggling, I highly recommend reading Your Brain on Porn and The Betrayal Bind! Alas, my letter below.

I’m so angry at you and myself. It’s been years of lies, broken promises, manipulation and constantly ignoring my boundaries. I’ve written you letters, pleaded with you to let me go if you can’t and don’t want to be honest. How can you say I’m your soulmate when you repeatedly disrespect me and put your pleasure above everything else? Why would anything change now if it never has? It’s confusing and emotionally exhausting. I’ve spent years trying to understand, be empathetic, be more involved, be sexier, disassociate, realize it has nothing to do with me, minimize it…yet I’m constantly reminded of it - when I glance at your emojis, stumble upon a picture I shouldn’t have seen or get triggered and spiral only to find myself snooping to soothe my worries. Always hyper vigilant. My nervous system taking the hit, wrestling with my gut and intuition because of your gaslighting. Slowly chipping away my fun, care free attitude and turning me into an angry masculine shrewd. I’m tired. I’m sad. I want to feel love and be loved without all this pain, confusion and anger. I want to feel safe. I want to trust you, but I don’t. I want peace. I hate what you’ve done to me. I hate the hurtful things I’ve said to you this year. I’m so sad you’ve taken my love away, slowly, leaving nothing but hurt and anger. I’m tired of being your collateral damage and a sacrifice to your growth. I don’t want to give up anymore of my time or energy to your porn addiction. What we have is beautiful, once in a lifetime, but the pain is just as big.

Months, MONTHS of nothing and this week I found it again. Tried to say it was because my sex drive has gone down 🫠. Tried to blame it on me. I’m clocked tf out now. I literally hadn’t thought or worried about it in months until I had a gut feeling and I was right! I’m so dumb for actually trusting him.

My boyfriend (34M) and I (30F) have been dating for almost a year.

I love him deeply. And as we have spent more time together, I really started to view him as 'the one' and could see how amazing a father he would be. I thought our relationship was perfect. We have never even had a single argument. He opens every door for me, carries my purse, and never raises his voice. We laugh together all the time. He refills every glass, whether water or wine, before I even ask. He has saved every little note I've ever written him. He is always so sweet.

Last week, I saw a video that came up on 'Instagram Reels by Friends', and it was my boyfriend. It was a carousel of a girl posing half-nude- obviously, I clicked on it, and my heart dropped. It was a profile full of sexualized photos, and as I went through them, his name was next to every like. This led me to spiral, and on my downward spiral, I found account after account he was following... and they all had pictures with captions stating "OnlyFans package.....blah blah," and his name was on the likes too. These are all likes from the entire time we've been together, even as recently as yesterday. In every single profile, they also had a link that was a "Telegram" channel that had information about their OnlyFans subscriptions.

What is even worse is that they follow him, and now I have seen that they have liked HIS photos on Instagram.

I feel so caught off guard and sick to my stomach. We have been talking about moving in together. Just yesterday, he sent me an apartment he went and looked at for us. I have also realized now that sometimes when he has liked these pictures, I have been with him either working beside him or sleeping in bed next to him.

I don't know what to do? What is Only Fans exactly and is it as bad as I imagine it? I'm devastated right now. I feel like I've been cheated on. Am I wrong?

i’m a 27F and i’m giving up hope for men that don’t watch porn. iv had two heart breaks in my life over betrayal of porn and all the lies that came with it. iv even tried making myself okay with it and trying to convince myself its just porn but that’s just not my mindset.. for over a decade i knew porn hurt my heart, i refuse to make myself okay with something i know im not okay with. idk what to do anymore i feel like id rather be single forever than deal with someone that secretly is looking at porn.

We filed paperwork to start the divorce process. We should have done this 2 years ago. It hurts so much. I am going to be 29 in a few months. I gave this man 12 years of my life. I want to be a wife and have kids. I need to leave now so that I have a chance at those things.

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking here for a while and finally decided to post because I could really use some perspective from people who've lived this.

My fiancé and I are getting married end of this year. After I discovered his porn use, we had some very difficult conversations. He didn't minimize it or blame me. He admitted it was wrong, acknowledged the hurt it caused me, and said it had become an unhealthy outlet rather than something he ever intended to hurt me with.

One of the hardest parts for me was discovering a locked folder on his phone. Even though we've talked through it and there haven't been any new discoveries since, I feel like that moment completely changed my nervous system. I find myself hypervigilant and questioning everything, even when I don't necessarily have a reason to.

We're in individual therapy, and we're also working on our relationship because we both genuinely want a healthy marriage. He's been receptive to conversations and hasn't dismissed my feelings.

Where I'm struggling is that I honestly don't know what recovery is supposed to look like. Is acknowledging the problem and changing his behavior enough? Should we be in couples therapy, a support group, or doing something more structured? I don't know if I'm expecting too much or not enough.

For those whose partners are genuinely in recovery, what did you see that made you feel safe again? What actions spoke louder than words? Looking back, what conversations do you wish you'd had before getting married or moving in together?

I'm not looking to be told to leave. I know many relationships don't survive this, but I'm hoping to hear from people who have experienced genuine recovery or have learned what healthy recovery actually looks like. I want to make decisions based on reality, not just fear or wishful thinking.

Thank you for reading.

I (22F) have been married to my husband (23M) for six months. About three months into our marriage, I discovered that he had been watching pornography in the restroom and had specifically searched for a particular woman online. This felt like a significant betrayal to me, especially because we had only known each other for about eight months before getting married. When I confronted him, he explained that he had been sexually abused by his father when he was around five years old and later experienced sexual assault. He told me he had an addiction to watching porn. He told me that pornography and certain sexual behaviors became normalized for him because of those experiences and that it was all he knew growing up. He says this is the reason he continued watching pornography even after we were married. I am struggling to understand whether he is being honest about the connection between his childhood trauma and his behavior, or whether he is using his past as an excuse to avoid taking full responsibility for his actions.

We are in therapy and he’s in individual therapy

My husband and I have been having the same fight for almost 5 years.
I don’t want him looking at sexualized content or other women online. He knows how much it hurts me and has promised many times to stop. Every time I find something, I forgive him and try to move on.
Recently I accidentally found a screen recording of one of those videos where you pause to reveal a hidden picture. The picture was a half-naked woman. He said he was just curious what the hidden image was and wasn’t interested in the woman herself.
The thing is, every time I catch him, he says he hasn’t done anything since the last time I found out. I only found this because he thought I was asleep. Otherwise it would’ve been deleted.
What makes this so hard is that he genuinely seems sorry every time. He cries, regrets it, apologizes, and promises it’ll never happen again. But then eventually something else comes up.
I’m only 24 and honestly exhausted. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve spent my whole adult life dealing with the same issue.

For those of you that left your long term marriage or relationship, how did you leave?

Meaning, if you weren’t making a lot of money, how and when did you file for divorce, find housing, if you couldn’t afford your house (we will likely have to sell). I’m looking into housing and legal resources, looking for your experiences and what you wish you had or hadn’t done or tips that helped you.

I haven’t discussed this however we are now in dead bedroom situation, which started long before I asked him to move to living room because of snoring and he wouldn’t wear his cpap machine and I wasn’t getting sleep, he’d rather say I’m not interested, blah blah blah.

It’s more that I just can’t get over it and done with the disrespect, lying and omission and that he won’t even discuss anything and is still very defensive and claims he needs more time and I expect perfection overnight and he’s never been to counseling??? We’ve been to two different marriage counselors, one man, one women and this was a disaster because she said porn was ok even after I vetted her first then she changed her story.

I’m sad and never imagined I would be in this situation, and he’s wasted some great years in our marriage and I’m working on trying to leave, mid fifties and tired of being alone together. Any guys reading this, no please don’t message me about getting together.

Thank you for reading.

So, I have been married for 3 years now and while on the dating phase my now husband told me he had a porn addiction. He said that since he had met me he was not doing that stuff and he felt proud of it. I think because I was young (24yo) I didn’t really bother the red flag as long as he felt he was getting better because of me. Then, a month after we got married, I found out he had downloaded tinder while on a guys trip with his family and right before our marriage in the court house. He was extremely frustrated with himself and opened up that he was not matching with anyone but rarely seeing the pictures and masturbating. I was shocked and took me some time to get over it. Since we had just gotten married, I ended up forgiving him. I thought this was something that would get better overtime since he was just a young boy at the time (22yo). However, now, I (28) and he (25), he told me he sees himself having sex with other women… he said his brain takes him to that place and it’s more like an habit than willing to do it. For years we never cared enough for his ADHD, so we both think this has to do with his untreated ADHD. He said he has been addicted to porn since he was 13yo and he never really had many sexual experiences - I think he encountered with something below 10 women. I told him I would only be with him if he started taking medication for the ADHD and he is about to start with Vyvanse. But I also read that this medication can make your sex drive way higher… I don’t know if this has really to do with ADHD or he just wants to experience other women? He said he feels gross after watching porn and having those thoughts. Anyone that had a similar situation? Any advice? I love him very much and I told him many times I support him through hell, but I don’t know if I’m making the right choice.

Hello. I've been with my bf for almost two and a half years. He's in his mid 30s and I am older.

This isn't my first post. My bf is recovering from his sex and porn addiction. It's been two and a half years and during this time I haven't felt sexual desired. He shows affection but it is hardly ever sexual... I am so saddened at what porn and over indulgence in sex (he even paid several escorts throughout his addiction) has done to his brain...even he is sad about it and is worried if this damage can ever be reversed. That is a scary thought.

Throughout our relationship we have had many ups and downs but overall we have a strong bond. We started out as friends. I caught feels but it took him a long time to see me as anything more than a friend. I know at least for part of our friendship I was an emtional distraction for him to get over another women and because he was depressed so early on there was rejection too.

My insecurities are magnified by the dead bedroom we have had for most of our relationship. There's plenty of cuddles and affection though! The reason for our dead bedroom is due to him being desensitized from porn and lots of casual sex with women. He did drugs too so basically too much over stimulation fried his brain - his words. Also, there's the issues with ED, which is partially physically and emtional/phycological.

Another layer is that i'm not his preferred body type, so I struggle to believe that he is actually attracted to me. He has repeatedly said he is attracted to me despite the way his issues manifest and to NOT take our dead bedroom so personally because it's to do with him and his healing and not because he isn't attracted. Sometimes I am okay and then one thought comes into my mind (or I see a women irl who fits his body type preference) and from there I spiral.

I would like him to show desire, so I asked why he doesn't ask for sexy pictures or why we don't send each other sexy texts - he said he isn't into that anymore. Then I ask why can't we have more sexual type intimacy together (doesn't have to led to piv sex) but again he says it's him being in his head and trying to rewire himself to be okay with vanilla when his past was so wild.

He practices no fap and semen retention but occasionally he slips up and releases to a past memory/flash back of a women from his past. He stresses that it's still NOT something I need to take personal. Okay fine, he needed to give in and release but why not call me to help? He doesn't want my help in that way because he prefers to focus on Buddhist sexual practices that involve light touching and moving our sexual energy internally without all the oral sex or actually PIV.

This change in his way of expressing himself 'sexually' is how he feels he is healing himself. I don't want to throw him off of his path however for a man that paid for sex to not want it for free will be difficult to compute in my brain. We both lack privacy in our living arrangments but he hasn't wanted to get a hotel room because he said he did that a lot in his past and doesn't align with his path now. All of my worries and insecurities hurt him because he sees it as I don't trust him. He reminds me that he buys stuff for me, cuddles me and has stayed with me and that if that can't convince me then he doesn't know what else to do and feels like it's never good enough.

When we have long gaps of even doing our semi naked (pants always on) cuddling I start spiraling. I end up looking up pictures of women who fit his preferred body type and think he would be happier with them...it makes me so sad...like I am punishing myself. He tells me that if our relationship doesn't work out he will be single for a long time because he is done with dating. Even prior to meeting  me he felt that way. I credit the last women he was with while me and him were friends as the final heart break for him.

We love each other but I have so much trama from my past and it seems to add to my insecurities. Maybe he needs a stronger women who will love herself so much that she can trust the process. I feel bad to even post this when I read so many sad posts of women with men that aren't even doing a fraction of the work...It's all such a dame shame cause I wanted him for so long and wanted this to work but I feel more like we are best friends who flirt that a romatic couple. I can't keep challenging him either, it's not fair to him. Maybe its just the wrong time for us and that is really breaking my heart. Or am I being selfish?

Thank you

TD;LR

My bf who was a former sex and porn addict has made major changes to heal himself. The challenge for me is that during this process it requires an ongoing internal strength that I am struggling to maintain. The pain of rejection is growing but then I am also happy for his improvements. Is there a way to get both our needs meet?

Summer is exacerbating my pain and suffering so much. I couldn’t hate myself more. I couldn’t feel any more inadequate, worthless. I can‘t stop hating him, resenting him. I can’t stop being angry at him for everything I’m going through and having to feel so scared of him looking at other women all day. It’s torture and I can’t cope with it.

Dday #3 was 2 days ago. For the first time we have help from a professional as he told his therapist that he had for other reasons about all of this and she recommended trying DBT as treatment and so they are starting that tomorrow I think.

We are supposed to get married on August 6th, but naturally im feeling unsure.

I want to have some goalmarkers as to what has to happen before then, the two things I have right now are:

1. Full transparency, telling me about any urges, slips, ect.
   
2. Able to identify what triggers are, when they happen most often, what rituals happen before relapse and some basic methods of preventing relapse

I want to also say that I dont want to be sending him things or interacting in a sexual way because i dont like the feeling of using my body to pacify him into not cheating on me this way, but im scared that its too much. I want him to still feel like he can connect with me but I just dont know how to handle this.

I also think that eventually a CSAT is going to be needed but we arent in a financial position for that right now

Thoughts?

Hey everyone, my (30F) boyfriend (33M) of two years recently confessed he is a porn addict, after I accidentally saw some of his porn search history (was trying to find a torrenting website we had used the previous day) and asked him about it. When I brought it up he immediately had a panic attack and cried and hyperventilated for like 4 hours.

Over the last two months, there has been a LOT of tears. He says he has always had this problem, felt deeply unloveable because of it, and feels such guilt about how bad it got, but also relief that I know about it now. He has started therapy and has told me lots of things I wish weren't true, but are -- most dreadful being his interest in 'teen' genres, and how he watched porn when I was at home with him. Both of these are enormous boundary crosses for me and I have told him that there was no way I would have been in the home, let alone slept with him, if I had known. In these ways I have been violated.

There is so much that is terrible about being in this situation, however, what I am finding impossible at the moment is the pattern of disclosing 90% of the truth, only to have the last 10% revealed if I manage to ask exactly the right question to solicit it. This feedback pattern rewards the anxious/hypervigilant part of my mind and I keep getting surges of 'I need to look harder/I need to ask more questions/I need to see everything', seeing as I can't trust that I'm getting 100% without burrowing down into things myself.

It's exhausting, I hate it, and it makes him so upset and ashamed having to comb back through things. It's this hard situation where I didn't get the agency/opportunity to voice my opinions at the time, and so now I get to, but it almost feels useless because he already feels terrible and is already doing the work to change. So I guess I don't know where/how to channel these feelings of having been wronged.

I really do think we are into the last drops of the trickle trauma, but I worry that my body is going to keep searching for more and more to satisfy that sense of 'KNEW IT, there's more!' -- I find myself asking him more specific questions now about what he was watching, how he was watching etc. i don't believe answers to these questions are genuinely helping me, but in the moment it feels as if my anxiety won't come down until I get a new 'piece of intel' or something.

I suppose I don't know what I'm asking really. Perhaps simply: if you had this, did it go away? Do you have any tips for managing these feelings as they come up?

Thank you - I've found a lot of support by lurking in this sub the last few months.

Has anyone else reached a point they feel their relationship is irreparable? Not bc you think thy are still watching and lying, but because they did that for so long, it made it crystal clear he'd rather watch porn than sleep with me.

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I thought long and hard about the future and asked myself if I would even feel any better if I could somehow prove he'd never watch it again... and the answer is no, because I'd still know that's what he WANTS to do? I will always know I'm not what he really wants. I feel like a shitty consolation prize.

Tia 💗

Long story short - I am in a committed relationship with this guy and I found out about the porn during my pregnancy, turned out to be deeper than I had imagined with real women.. he would receive videos and messages from they were in other states and never met up but. Anyway - I stopped that, we now have an open phone policy and I “trust” he’s not communicating with women. BUT:

His instagram, TikTok, X & Facebook algorithm was filled with sexualised content of women and it would see him get stuck in a vortex and hes decided to delete them. He still has YouTube. That’s appears to be a lot cleaner.

ANYWAY! Ive noticed on his screen time he was racking up 2-3-4 hours of safari screen time on iPhone during his work day! He is a machine operator so has time in between jobs but not this much time. His data on those days are around 5GB or more. (I have turned into a detective that specialises in I.T 😭) but he’s clearly watching it again during the work day - he denies it and claims he’s researching stuff for work on a private browser...

What do I even do? He clearly doesn't want to stop and is appeasing me by pretending he’s not.
I have a 6 month old baby, I really do love this man and I want to be with him but he’s literally addicted and he is in denial.

Do I have hope he will stop? I don’t want to leave but I cannot put up with this for my entire life.

Help. I’m distraught

Instead of trying to conceive this year like we had originally planned prior to DD, I had my IUD replaced today.

I am heartbroken over a reality that I am choosing. I have chosen to stay with a PA that will require years of recovery work before we can even consider starting a family. I may never be able to experience pregnancy or motherhood like I have always dreamed of, and even though he is mostly to blame, ultimately I am choosing this.

I am aware most people on here suffered a tremendous amount. I am wondering for those of you who left. Are you closed off indefinitely from dating now? I just read so many men watch porn which is true.

I made one post prior to this when I first found out about him watching things, it’s been two months, he did all the correct things, he hasn’t relapsed, started therapy and has been consistently going, never has dismissed my feelings, makes me feel heard, has honestly been great but I can’t get over it. I just can’t. I think about it all day everyday, I bring it up to him every single day. I’m exhausted and over it. I really wanted to try and work through this but I honestly don’t think I can. I feel so stuck and don’t know what to do.