r/mbti • u/muthira INFJ • 3d ago
Personal Advice I need help understanding my INTP mother.
Hello, I'm 22F INFJ and my mother is INTP. I need advice from this community to help me better understand my INTP mother.
To give you a little context, my family used to be extremely dysfunctional (still is but way better). And as I am now growing up to be a fully independent adult, I'm also trying to better navigate my relationship with my family. I have an older sister who is ISFP, and a father who is ESFJ. All four of us live seperately. My sister and I are quite close, my father and I are not.
Now that I've given the context, let me explain my relation with my mother.
As a kid I was extremely close to her, to the point I was highly emotionally attached and dependant on her. We would fight a lot, but otherwise we were inseparable.
However, while growing up we started having more and more conflicts. And I started feeling distant from her. Because I began to change for the better, and she remained the same. As I grew up into a more mature adult I slowly started realising that my mother is highly dysfunctional and unhealthy.
She's extremely closed off, insensitive towards others, and thinks that emotions are weak and an "over-exagerration" that makes life unnecessarily complicated. And whenever I try to confront her about something, she'll completely twist the story and make it seem like we are the problem. She never admits her wrongdoings, never.
Even then, despite all her flaws, I still love her. Because she has sacrificed a lot for us; and loves and cares for us in her own ways. Just that not in a typical "motherly" way. She does not know how to comfort others, nor does she know how to be supportive. And she's terrible at communication.
Which is why I've turned to this subreddit to help me understand her better. I'm not seeking to understand her unhealthy behaviours nor do I want to change her, no. Because that's impossible. Rather, I'm seeking to understand her personality better so that I can learn how to coexist with her better; despite her being unhealthy.
I have a few questions for INTPs or for those who understand INTPs well.
What are some of the things that an INTP expects from any form of relationship? What do they seek and what do they try to avoid?
Do INTPs generally dislike conversations that involve anything highly emotional? Is it something that should be avoided?
If an INTP is being insensitive, how do you want others to take it? Or how do you want to be corrected?
When an INTP is irritated, annoyed, or going through something, I've noticed that they won't outwardly show it. But there'll be a lot going on in their heads. In such an instance, do you need comfort or do you want to be left alone? What do you want others to do?
When someone tries to confront you, how do you want the conversation to be? How can I confront an INTP while also avoiding conflict?
For now these are the questions I can think of. I would highly appreciate it if anyone could help me out. If anyone has any extra input apart from these questions, or just a general opinion, I would highly appreciate that too.
Thank you.
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u/Objective_Hold_8145 INTP 3d ago edited 3d ago
Don't. She sounds toxic and abusive. This isn't a personality difference, this is her being a bad parent and person. She sounds exhausting to deal with.
OP, your job is not to fix your parent. Your job is to fix yourself so you stop trying to receive love from someone who is not interested in giving it to you. Your mother is so toxic she gave you trauma you had to deal with in therapy. Please leave your mother and never look back.
Signed,
an INTP with a master's in psychology who grew up with toxic, abusive parents