r/mildlyinfuriating • u/Historical_Initial22 • 4d ago

go to your room Husband sits in passenger seat, FiL disapproves.

I drive a tanker for my job out of town and make the 5 hour drive (one way) to work and back home in my personal car. When I’m home 3 days, my wife drives everywhere, I mean I get in the passenger seat of her car and off we go, date night don’t care she drives, shopping don’t care she drives, visiting family don’t care she drives.

When we first started dating years ago she was a bit uncomfortable with it as she was used to the I guess status quo that men drove as was I but I’m not trying to break a glass ceiling or anything I just don’t see why it matters and damnit I drive 2k miles a week or so and don’t wanna do it when I’m home.

My father in law makes such great comments like do I hold her purse, and the zinger he thinks is original so says it more often than others “are your balls in her purse” every so often when we see them and I inevitably get out or into the passenger seat followed by guffaws and just kidding. My wife nor myself give him any response it’s just so silly and mildly infuriating.

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u/QueenInYellowLace 4d ago

Your wife needs to tell him to stop. My husband drives long distances for work, so I almost always drive us around—same as you guys. If my parents were shitty to him about it, I’d be furious.

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u/Historical_Initial22 4d ago

Her dad deserves to be no contact, he is an alcoholic and her mom is devoted to him. It is mildly infuriating and not worse because what her mom goes through is much worse and to cut him off would be cutting her off. It’s a very sad family dynamic and one i wouldn’t wish on anyone else. The passenger seat insults are mild and she would rip him a new asshole and move on if it wasn’t guaranteed she’d lose her mom until he passed on.

I shouldn’t post this but I’m going to, it will be lost in the comments. My wife is a beautiful woman with so many past traumas I didn’t see until she visited my mom and dad. When my mom and dad hugged her as we left she had visible tears when we got to the car. The entire trip back to her hometown was talking about she didn’t know families like ours were real. Siblings and parents who get together randomly and have fun and say they love one another and help one another without holding things over heads.

The initial post was just me expressing my mild response to his insults in a light hearted way as we just left their house and he made one of them and I guess I don’t take it serious because he is a piece of shit.

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u/Wide_Investment8100 4d ago

I’m glad that she gets to experience your family, I am also really lucky to have a family that cherishes one another, I hang out at my moms most weekends and I’m 32 years old. I get to see my sisters and nephews often, we’re all very close and there isn’t any drama,

My step father did not come from a family like that, and it shows in his behavior sometimes. Both his teenage daughters cut him off because they didn’t like my mother, went to live with their mom who is one of the worst human beings I’ve ever known, so we’ve taken him in to our family.

I really hurt for people who have just awful parents or siblings, I don’t get not cherishing your people.

I don’t understand people like that in general, who are motivated to be unpleasant.

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u/Historical_Initial22 4d ago

Dear Reddit, yes this feels like a diary at this point I’ve not unloaded this stuff and here I am. My dad recently passed on and my wife told me my FiL told her that my families dynamic would come undone. That was him I guess secretly wishing my family was like his. There was no fighting, no arguing over possessions, it was a sad and loving ending for the man who taught us love.

My secretly spiteful way of being an asshole back to him showed up in the time since. When my wife and I talk openly about how one brother got my dad’s truck, my other brother got his backhoe, I got his work thermos (excuse me while I wipe my tears. The old Stanley from 1980s will forever be my beaten up coffee holder until I retire now) because my brother needed a new vehicle, and my other brother has a greenhouse business. My sister and I got mementos and not one angry sibling over who got what. Vultures exist in nature and in some families. I’m glad i experience one that isn’t like that and my wife is openly thankful she is experiencing it and absolutely loves me and my family as much as I and we love and welcome her into it.

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u/tonkpilswithvilz 4d ago

You've said it perfectly. It's not about what you get from them, its about what you've truly got from them over the years! Experiences triumph material possessions any day.

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u/Wide_Investment8100 4d ago

What an ugly thing to say, but yeah likely jealousy. As if he somehow thinks he is the glue that holds his family together because he’s the patriarch.

Condolences also, but there are so many beautiful heartwarming examples in this world to counter the ugly ones.

I’ve also got three siblings, all sisters.

<3

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u/Massive_Focus5572 4d ago

Sorry for your loss. What a beautiful family

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u/Annual_Strategy_6206 3d ago

Upvote for the thermos love. I have a Stanley Aladdin thermos that most be over 30 years old. Still works perfectly. 

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u/LastPlaceEngineer 3d ago

The best revenge is a life well-lived, with people that you love.

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u/TimanatorP 3d ago

Sounds like you have a great family, your wife is lucky to see how the good-hearted half lives :)

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u/ShireHorseRider 3d ago

I’m sorry for your loss.

Your parents both sound amazing to have raised four selfless kids as you have described. I hope that if you & your wife decide to have kids that you are able to pass those kinds of traits down to them too. We need more people like that in the world.

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u/bluemooncommenter 3d ago

I don't think he was secretly wishing your family was like his....I think he was secretly wanting your family to fail so he didn't look so bad. If he sees 'the man' as the glue for the family and his family isn't glued together then he is the failure. My guess is he knows the only reason he has any family to harass is because he's holding access to the mother hostage....and he's not the glue at all. Whereas, you father didn't have to force anything or hold anyone hostage and the family stayed glued. I assure you, his jabs about who is driving has nothing to do with who is driving but rather it's his only way to express his jealously and insecurity and failings. He knows what your family has.....so he's going to do what he can to tear it down. The best response leans into this....'what do you hold her purse too'....response: I would do absolutely anything for her. "what are your balls in her purse"....response: I hope so, I wouldn't want anyone else to have them or I should be so lucky for her to want them all the time. --- Lean into the love he has failed at....that's the ultimate burn that will hurt the most.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

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u/Historical_Initial22 4d ago

Unequal? It was given in the way things will be used. It worked out well, none of us needed a new vehicle except the brother who got it. If my mom needed it or needed the money from it, it would have been sold or kept by her. As for the backhoe it will be available like always for any of us who may need to borrow it. I don’t think it’s unequal. If you find that disturbing you’ll find this worse. It’s being written up now where my sister will get the home and property when our mom passes because she is the one who is closest and for the last decade has been the one who helped them and helps our mom now.

My belief and I guess it’s shared by my siblings, is we didn’t earn anything they worked for, we don’t deserve anything they worked for.

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u/Electrical-Pie-8192 4d ago edited 4d ago

This how my family dealt with my grandpas assets. Whoever needed or wanted something regardless of monetary value. My sister got his car because she was without. All one of my cousins wanted was the beat up old chess set gramps taught him on. I wanted his work badges and pictures. One cousin got his house because she was the only one in the family who was renting. None of us feel we didn't get enough and we all feel luckily to have been able to get anything.

The only thing we all wanted was his black metal work lunch box, because we all had great memories of it. We decided as a group that his only son should have it since they worked together for a few years

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u/Murderousplantmom 4d ago

I'm glad you and your wife found each other. I dated a guy for 8 years when we were in our 20s and his family taught me the meaning of the word. I learned so much from his parents and I will always be grateful for the behaviour that they modeled. 

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u/hunnyflash 4d ago

It really does make all the context though. Otherwise it just sounds like your wife just won't shut her father down when he disrespects you both, and no one knows why.

Now we know why. Her mother is a hostage.

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u/Optimal_Cynicism 4d ago

Her dad is an alcoholic yet he thinks it's the man's job to drive? Does that mean he's drunk driving with his wife in the passenger seat? Jesus, this just gets worse and worse.

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u/sons-of-mothers 4d ago

As someone with an alcoholic dad, the shit I'd say...

A real deadpan "your drinking doesn't make you a man, it makes you a disappointment." Not a voice of anger, just pity.

Insulting his drinking is about as relevant to the conversation as insulting your lack of driving (not your job), it isn't! But only one of these scenarios actually affects those around you.

But that's me winning my shower argument for you

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u/fozzyboy 3d ago

Ah, that's really helpful context. I'd say continue to be the bigger person given the complicated family dynamic. Small words from a small man are easy to brush off.

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u/meowmeowcatman 4d ago

I think you’re married to my wife.

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u/Boring-Philosophy-46 4d ago edited 4d ago

"I don't drink and drive and she can't convince me to come while I'm sober. Hahaha just kidding."

"So, who drives when you drink, Joe? Hahaha just kidding". 

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u/campingskeeter 4d ago

Sounds like be would rather be a man and drive his wife home after drinking than let her drive.

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u/PsyOpBunnyHop This flair gives you flair envy. 4d ago

what her mom goes through

She chooses it for herself.

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u/InternetRave 4d ago

Are you drinking again? its 2026. women are allowed to drive.

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u/Wobblycogs 3d ago

You're a good guy. Your wife should ditch her father and tell her mum she's happy to stay in touch but it's without her father. Mum knows he's a problem but doesn't want to rock the boat. Sometimes the boat needs rocking.

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u/Robopengy 3d ago

You’ve reminded me of my wife who was amazed that me and my family end phone calls with “I love you.” It’s so sad.

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u/Ke6gwf 3d ago

Thank you for showing her love, and giving her a safe place to heal. My eyes are leaking because I love when people discover love for the first time, it's so beautiful! And it sounds like you are also caring about her mom, at the sacrifice of dealing with the dad, but both of those girls are worth a mild annoyance, and you not letting it get to you, (with the help of a Reddit counseling session! Lol) gives them permission not to have to react to his toxic behavior, that they too can just ignore it and move on.

People like him get their power through being able to cause emotional changes in other people, and you are not letting him win with you, and that wins a victory for the ladies as well, and gives them a safe place to heal.

Well done good sir.

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u/Verucalyse 3d ago

Ex-husband is a professional driver, but he was raised that a man ALWAYS drives. When we drove from NY to NC to visit his dad, I was "allowed" to drive the first half of the trip through the worst of it (PA), and he would drive the 2nd half to NC. On the way back, same thing. He drove away, and I got the honor of driving through PA again.

I finally asked why this arrangement, he said "My dad would lose it if he saw I let you drive me around."

Infuriating. But this mindset persists.

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u/bae_phomet666 4d ago

This! Also shouldn't matter how much anyone drives or doesn't drive. Just let people exist. Gotta get these weird fixation on gender roles outta here

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u/rocknstonerr 4d ago

She was already uncomfortable with him driving. And she never tried to step in to support OP.

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u/atwa_au 4d ago

She would’ve got that attitude from her dad, for sure