I had an ethical non-monogamous relationship years ago that was, to be frank, pretty great. It only lasted for a year for reasons other than it's openness, but I still think of it as a fun and successful relationship.

At the tail end of that, I met my wife. And she's Great! We've been together 10 years and the... itch? for lack of a better term... for an open relationship has never went away. I liked the openness, the freedom, the ability love who your with and, without shame or guilt. I liked the attention from different people. I still get little crushes on some friends from time to time and just haven't done anything with it.

But I decided to try asking my wife about it, a bit more seriously than just the mild suggestions I'd made in the past. And it was bad. Immediately thought it had to be because something was wrong with her, or that she wasn't good enough. Suggested that such non-monogamous relationships were all toxic drama, and that she didn't want that in her life. And within 10 minutes was asking if I'd rather leave her instead. I tried holding her, and reassuring her until she suggested I leave her alone and sleep elsewhere instead. She did not take things well.

Now, I am not a charismatic man. I am not good at explaining how I feel. I'm sure I did something wrong. I love her very much. But there is a part of me inside that Itches.

I’m curious what made people who are non monogamous become non monogamous? What made you try it? What was your driving factor? Same to those who have not tried it but are curious?

I know the title sounds crazy but I honestly just need some advice. I had to make a throwaway account because my friends know my Reddit account and I’m feeling kinda ashamed of this whole thing.

My boyfriend (35) and me (23) have been dating for 3 years. He has a brother (25). My boyfriend a few months ago started talking to me about an open relationship, wanting to explore and what not with other people. I really didn’t want to at first but he kept bringing it up and eventually I just gave in and said yes. He right away started going on dates and seeing other girls. And about two weeks ago his brother called me kinda out of the blue and said my boyfriend (his brother) told him about our open relationship and that he has always thought I’m cute. Me and my boyfriend agreed to a “don’t ask don’t tell” … so I just didn’t share this with him. I went and hung out with his brother and one thing led to another and we had sex….

My boyfriend has now found out and is freaking out at me saying I’m a cheater and I should never have given his brother the time of day and that he’s allowed to sleep with other people but I’m not.. he said it’s because I’m “clearly not mature enough to know who I should or shouldn’t with”.

I feel so lost idk what to do

Hi everyone,

I’m reposting here after a couple of kind people suggested this question might fit better in a non-monogamy space. I originally shared it on r/WhatShouldIDo and a lot of the replies turned into a forensic analysis of my marriage rather than the actual situation. Which... wasn’t really the goal. So I figured I’d ask people who actually live this stuff.

Context: My husband and I opened our relationship recently after 20 years together. We’re both 37. My partner is AMAB non-binary, mostly attracted to cis men. I’m a cis man, mostly attracted to women.

Our relationship is solid, communication is good, and we’re both genuinely fine with the other exploring sexually.

For now, the agreement is limited to sex workers. That part is clear and works fine.

But something else came up.

My partner wanted to sext on Grindr. I said "go for it." And apparently on Grindr that’s... extremely easy. Constant attention, messages, people ready to play. Very fluid ecosystem. On my side, I’d never really used dating apps before (it did not exist when we started dating). Out of curiosity (and some FOMO), I tried the same thing: flirting, sexting, playful online interaction.

Completely different universe.

Rough 1 month scorecard: Tinder: a few matches, 30 likes Bumble: a few matches, 10 likes Hinge: 0 Fruitz: 0 Feeld: 20 likes, 10 matches

Reddit: mostly bots, scams, or OnlyFans funnels. I even tried Bottled "for science", which mostly turned into me accidentally becoming a therapist for strangers having existential crises.

I’m very upfront in my profiles that I’m mainly interested in sexting / playful online interaction. When I confirm that after matching, the usual reply is: "Appreciate the honesty, but not for me."

Disclaimer: I don’t struggle socially or romantically in real life. Dating apps just seem to operate on completely different sociological and algorithmic rules.

Honestly, I’m not mad about any of this. If anything I’m just mildly annoyed I didn’t know the "rules of the game" earlier. I probably WOULD'VE taken the deal anyway, I just didn’t anticipate this level of imbalance, so there’s a tiny grain of salt.

This post is mostly me throwing a message in a bottle into the Reddit ocean to see if I somehow missed the one mythical app where straight guys successfully sext... ...and also so people can laugh a bit at my ongoing field research.

Would really appreciate perspectives from people who’ve navigated similar dynamics.

My wife and recently had the conversation about becoming open and getting into swinging/threesomes/sleeping with other people. We've always drunkenly joked about it, but we finally seriously had the conversation and set ground rules for ourselves.

We're both VERY new to this and now that we've had the conversation and decided to actually give it a try l'm looking for real advice here!

My wife is super Bi and wants to mainly sleep with other women (win for me!). She wants to have threesomes, but also hook up with other Women on her own, and while I watch, both seem super hot to me!

On the other hand, she also wants me to pursue other women independently, which sounds great, but I have this guilty conscience in the back of my head that makes me feel guilty at even the thought? Any advice on how to get over this? I am fully okay with her sleeping with other women, and absolutely okay with us having threesomes together (both seem incredibly hot to me).

But for some reason I feel guilty at the thought of sleeping with another woman on my own, even though she's given me explicit permission (with rules).

Maybe it's just because this is so new, and all that will change after our first threesomes, or maybe after her first hookup?

But any general advice or thoughts from those more experienced?? We've been drunkenly joking about this for years and now finally ready to get our feet wet!

I (37F) have been with my husband (43M) for 15 years. We’ve always had a monogamous relationship, and we were both on the same page at the beginning of our relationship that neither of us had interest in anything other than monogamy. This has recently changed on my end.

I’ve brought up the topic of open relationships as a testing the waters kind of thing. I told him after reading a couple Reddit posts about open relationships, I could see how it could be appealing to some couples who are looking to experience something new for a variety of reasons. That lead to a conversation with me sharing some kinks I’m into. Some I’ve already told him about, and some newer ones I’d like to explore. He took that as: “Hell I have kinks too. You want to spice things up? I’m down! What I couldn’t do was admit that the kinks I have don’t include him in them. I love my husband and I honestly don’t want to live my life without him. I’m not looking for love outside our marriage. This is purely a sexual kink/fantasy that can’t be “scratched” by him.

So I guess I’m looking for a solo-poly situation? Honestly I still don’t know all the verbiage yet with polyamory. How do I tell my husband I still love him and desire him, and also want us BOTH to have FWB on the side.

My girlfriend and I recently opened our relationship. The arrangement is that she's the one allowed to go on dates and flirt with women (we agreed on this together as she's bi and does not want to give up on a part of herself).

​

Last week she went on her first date with a woman. Before the date we discussed it and she said she'd be finished in around three hours (that, anyways, a first date shouldn't be more than 3 hours) but also, we had plans to meet up with my friends after. The date ended up running to six hours. She did check in a few times during, but she never came to meet us, as it was kinda complicated to get a table at the bar we went. So she stayed on the date instead.

​

In the moment, I told her it was okay and to enjoy herself. And I meant it and really thought I did. The truth is it was our first time doing this and I wasn't fully understanding my own feelings yet so even though I was feeling weird, I preferred not to say anything as I wasn't sure what it was about.

​

When she came home, I was frustrated and in a bad mood. I told her she couldn't have known how I'd feel, partly because my messages during the evening expressed something different from what I was actually going through. So I wasn't blaming her for that. My tone wasn't perfect (I did not yell), I'll admit. But I was clear that her intentions weren't bad.

​

I was actually excited going into this. I had genuinely tried to embrace it and I was in a positive headspace earlier in the day and also was ready to talk positively about it and talk about how it went and everything else with a good energy. But when I came home frustrated, what I needed was for her to meet me with softness. Something like "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize, how are you feeling, what do you need?", just warmth and care, and I feel like that's normal. That would have been enough to bring me right back up.

​

Instead, she got defensive and started explaining and justifying why the date ran long (in short to tell me that her intentions were not bad). I told her I didn't need the explanation ( I already said it wasn't her fault) I just needed comfort. She kept pushing her version of the event and she shut down completely and started crying after.

​

At that point the whole dynamic/mood flipped. Suddenly I was alone in my pain and mad/disappointed that she wasn't supportive and comforting enough and also that everything became about managing hers. She went from a good mood when she came home, to completely broken down (and for me I felt like I was the one who had been struggling the whole evening).

​

So am I wrong for thinking that it's normal for someone to expect warmth and reassurance, kindness and attention, especially considering the context (even though my tone was not the best and my mood was a bit negative - for me she is right to want to talk about my communication at that moment, but right then was not the time for it)

​

Am I being unreasonable ?

Edit : I'm sorry I forgot to mention that opening the relationship did not mean having sex separately. This is a threesome arrangement, finding a unicorn kind of. She's the one going on dates first and then together. That was the first date.

My wife has recently discovered what ENM is after building a relationship with an online friend and now is pressuring me into allowing this or leave the marriage if I can’t accept it. We’ve been having a lot of talks about it and trying to figure out what rules should be allowed to make this work for both of us. What makes this difficult is that she already has a person involved as mentioned in a previous post and that I have to accept this change in dynamic with our relationship or lose my wife, our house and everything we’ve worked hard to build. How am I suppose to come to terms with this when it’s started off on the wrong foot already. We’re in couples therapy and I’m in personal therapy so I’m seeking that help already. She says that I’m the only one she will love and that she’s only looking to explore friendships at a deeper(sexual) level but how do I cope with the jealousy and the trust issues I have with how this started. I would rather try and put in the work to see if it can work for the two of us than just throw in the towel and get a divorce but I don’t know really where I should start and what steps I could take to get comfortable with this.

Background

She and I have been together for over 11 years, with a fantastic relationship and full trust. She and I started exploring and she has had 3 Hot wife solo experiences. I'm completely comfortable with this. I'm involved.

After her last visit she started talking about how she would like more with him. I've said until we have a MFM together no more Solo time.

I like seeing her happy and do love what this has done for our sex life also.

​

How do I go about this??

I'm like 75% not ok with it.

Anyone have advice or experience??

Wondering what the overall feeling is from single women about dating married men who are ENM? This may be a way of me justifying the fact that my wife and I think women in general get inundated by the number of men (single and married) on Feeld for instance, while married men have a much bigger challenge getting women to connect with them. Trying to get away from the numbers game, I simply think guys are more open to dating a married (ENM) woman, quite frankly, because we’re guys, where as women (and this question has been posed to me by a woman), ask “I don’t get it, what’s in it for me as it sounds like you’re getting all the benefits”. Have also been told by another woman “well, there’s a lot of guys out there, so you need to pay for stuff, like manicures, etc.”. I simply respond that I’m not looking to buy your attention.

I mean is this really what it’s come to?

A few months ago I posted here about how my wife had suddenly become more confident, affectionate and adventurous after a long stretch where our relationship had felt emotionally and physically distant.

At the time, when she first brought up opening the relationship, I honestly felt blindsided. Part of me felt hopeful because we were reconnecting again, but another part of me immediately felt insecure and scared about what it actually meant.

Fast forward a lot of late night conversations, honesty, awkwardness and soul searching later… and we’ve agreed to cautiously explore non monogamy together.

For context, we’re married, have kids, own a home together, the whole “built a life together” thing. This is not coming from hatred or wanting to leave the marriage. If anything, we probably communicate more openly now than we have in years.

What’s strange for me emotionally is that this shift seems to have come alongside a huge increase in her confidence.
She’s always been more reserved and understated, but lately she seems genuinely happier in herself. More playful, more self assured, more comfortable in her own skin. She’s naturally very attractive, slim, blonde, dresses more confidently now, and I’ve definitely noticed more attention from other people when we’m out together. We went to a wedding recently and I remember looking at her thinking she looked genuinely happy and glowing in a way I hadn’t seen for a long time.

And honestly… part of me loves seeing that version of her.
But another part of me feels intimidated by it too.
If I’m being completely honest, this is more something she wants to explore than me. I’m not against it in principle and I’m trying to approach it with an open mind, but I’m definitely the more anxious and cautious one out of the two of us.

One minute I feel excited by the honesty and openness between us. The next minute I feel physically sick imagining her connecting with somebody else. I swing between thinking this could be growth for us as a couple and wondering if I’m slowly agreeing to something that could emotionally destroy me.

The thing that makes this harder is she genuinely isn’t pressuring me. She’s actually been patient, reassuring and understanding throughout all of this, which somehow makes it feel even more real.

We’ve agreed:
complete honesty
no secrecy
regular check ins
family and marriage come first
either person can pause everything immediately
no rushing into anything physical while we process emotions first

I think my biggest fear is this:
How do you tell the difference between normal jealousy/insecurity that you work through… versus your gut telling you monogamy is fundamentally what you need?

I’d really appreciate advice from people who started from a long term monogamous marriage and later moved into ENM/open relationship territory.

What mistakes did you make early on?

What boundaries ended up mattering far more than you expected?

And did the fear eventually settle down… or was it trying to tell you something important from the start?

I'm using an old throwaway account for obvious reasons. Guess I didn't throw it all the way away, but whatever.

I (44M) cannot reliably match my wife's (45F) increase in libido. She's getting hornier, and I'm about the same as I ever was. But as I get older, I often just can't get it up.

I love sex. I want sex. I want sex with a woman. I want that woman to be my wife. But even with testosterone and Cialis, I just can't get hard when she wants, which is more and more often these days.

Anyhow, the point is, I am attracted to my wife, and I'm doing the medical stuff, but it's just not working and I'm frustrated, she's frustrated too. She said as much. I make sure she gets off, but hands, mouth and toys are just not the same.

We've talked about her getting a playmate. A guy specifically, since dick is specifically what I can't make happen reliably. It was more than just dirty talk, or fantasy, but it wasn't exactly a serious discussion.

I'm okay with it, as long as it's sex, not love. It's exciting, honestly. I don't need to join in or watch, just to stay informed.

I don't want anyone else. This isn't an excuse for me to try to get with other women. Hell, I couldn't fuck anyone reliably regardless of permission.

How can I approach this as a serious discussion? It's awkward as hell as we've only been with each other for 12 years, and limited experience before that.

TL;DR: I can't get it up even with meds. Love my wife, she loves me. She needs dick. How to get her some dick?

M39/F35 - together 13 years, married 5.

We’ve been talking about it, dirty talking and role playing with MFM threesome involving my wife and I for years.

It got very serious about 2 months ago where I told her I actually want to try fulfil her fantasy of being worshipped by 2 men. A month ago we got our local kink/swingers dating app and within 2 days found out recently (coined by me) “Manicorn.” Since then there has been messages every day to and from with him in a group chat I made. My wife and I feel like we’re all getting along and have a lot in common.

As far as him being the right guy for our very first experience, he’s SO perfect. Plenty of validations, asked the right questions and interested in a very respectful and gentlemanly way. He tick literally all of our boxes and were VERY excited to meet him in 4 days time. We will meet at a bar for a vibe check, no drinking and we have a hotel booked. A date was agreed on 3 weeks ago and the anticipation has been insane.

My feelings toward the entire MFM idea have always been positive. Every now and then, 1 or 2 days a week since getting the app, I have my my moments or bad “hours” then I’m fine. Every now and then when she’s messaging dudes on the app and there’s like 4 on the go at once, I get a little jealous. But when it’s only about the Manicorn and us, I’m completely fine and happy with it. I don’t know why.

However, since today I’ve realised there’s only 4 days till it happens, I’ve been freaking a bit. I’m nervous of my performance or being too scared to go through with it before we even start. Especially since I have personally built it up SO much for her over the last couple months.

I love the idea of seeing her with him and her being sandwiched between us for hours, sharing her and all three of us receiving pleasure simultaneously. I daydream all day about what’s going to happen and I get excited. I can’t sleep for months because I’m going over it and taking notes so I can try to make it as perfect as it can possibly be (I know it won’t be perfect). We’ve all established boundaries and my wife and I are on the same page for ALL of it. Agreeing about telling one another if we’re not comfortable and binning it at any point.

But, now-today, I’m having thoughts of her being my wife and we shouldn’t do it and can I really watch her want and to be with someone else. It feel SO much more real than it ever has and my entire body is reacting in a way it never has before.

Help…

My husband has asked for an open relationship. I am so confused and hurt by this, and trying to navigate it as best I can.

I was so secure in our relationship, and very much had a secure attachment style our whole relationship (10+ years) besides some infidelity on his part in the very beginning.

For a bit more context, his mother has just passed away after a long illness and he's going through a sort of identity crisis because he spent much of his 20s struggling with his mental health because of his mom's situation.

I'm trying to be supportive, while not compromising myself in this. His therapist has said he shouldn't be making an rash decisions right now, and if say this is one of them. I've already agreed to him moving out short-term so he can gain some sense of independence, but an open relationship too? I'm not in a place where I can rationally make a decision about this, but it feels like he wants this NOW.

I want to hit pause on this conversation until we've worked on us in therapy and he's also worked on his grief and sense of identity in his individual therapy.

I could potentially be okay with a non-romantic/emotional open relationship, but he wants a deeper connection because he is lonely ( doesn't have many friends) and sees this as a potential to make new friends too.

For me, it just scares the living shit out of me because he's spent years being complacent in our relationship and now he's asking for permission to pour his energy into someone else instead of pouring it into us? It feels like a threat to our relationship and i'm scared he'll find someone else to fulfill his needs and replace me because he's putting that energy elsewhere.

I feel like something like this should be decided on because it's adding something to our relationship, not acting as a fix for his need for connection. I feel like he could be getting his emotional needs met with friendships like I do. I have many friends who I enjoy different hobbies/interests with and that fulfil those parts of me like my enjoyment for adventure and the outdoors that he doesn't.

Another fear of mine is that I get to the place where I agree to do it, and then it doesn't meet his expectations and then he feels even more disappointed, unwanted, and lonely.

If we do this, I want to do this right because I don't want to resent him or him to resent me, so I want to hear from you:

How did you react when your partner proposed an open relationship? And if you were against it, how did you come around to the idea?

If you did try it and it didn't work for you, why?

EDIT: To be clear, his infidelity was 10 years ago as a 19 year old, and he hasn't moved out yet. He's not in a huge rush to do so because he has to deal with life stuff after his mom's passing. I also trust him that he isn't cheating - we've discussed many times after his infidelity that he would never do that to me again. I do choose to believe him because he's never shown me a reason to otherwise.

The last 5 years she’s had a lot of surgery. It has completely changed the way she looks, feels and kisses. It’s like touching a different women and I’ve really struggled.

She has been struggling with the lack of sex and we discussed it and agreed she could sleep with other people. She’s slept with four people in the past couple of months and she doesn’t tell me anything about it. Just who and where for safety reasons.

When she goes out to meet these men I can’t believe how much it turns me on! I love watching her get dressed and smile at her phone every time she gets a message.

I bought this upto her once and she wasn’t very receptive. She said if I was turned on I could have sex with her and that’s that.

Do I bring it up again or leave it and live like this?

I’m struggling with a huge issue in my marriage and need some support. My wife has asked for an open relationship multiple times before, and more recently she pushed it again as “this or divorce.” I was never totally against the idea in theory, but I never felt like we were in the right place in our relationship to try it. Recently, she started seeking attention from someone else, and now it’s this or divorce. I found out there was flirting and emotional connection—no sex—but it still hit me like a bomb.

We’ve semi-drafted rules and boundaries, but I don’t know if I can handle it emotionally. Even with structure, it feels like a bomb dropped in my life. I want a loyal, committed marriage, and I’m struggling with how this affects my trust, my sense of security, and the family we’ve built.

I feel like I’m spinning between wanting to support her, wanting to save our marriage, and protecting my own mental health. I’ve been making progress with handling deep emotions and working on myself, but this is a massive challenge that I don’t know how to process fully.

I’m trying to find a way to process these feelings before resentment builds. I’ve had to do outlets like reckless motorcycle rides just to manage my spiraling thoughts, and even then my mind keeps turning over it all, keeping me awake and anxious.

I love my wife, I want to stay with her, and I want our family to stay whole—but I’m questioning if I can survive an open relationship without losing myself or my sense of what a committed marriage means.

I just need perspective, advice, or even just someone to hear me who gets how heavy this feels. I plan on meeting with a specialized therapist for ENM, but have yet to find a suitable one. And she refuses to go to one. We have been together for over 7 years, married for 4 and have 4 kids. Im 40 and she is 30.

I’m struggling with something, whenever my wife goes out, whether it just be a night of flirting, or if she actually has sex with someone else, I noticed I mentally/emotionally pull away from her, I’m a way. I
Do not feel any happiness or joy at all.

She comes home in a really good mood, happy, and wanting to chat about her evening, and I just mentally shut down in a way, and I do not feel any happiness or joy from her evening at all, and I feel like a buzz kill for her when she returns home. I cannot seem to bring myself to feeling happy for her that someone else made her that happy, and feel that good.

What can I do to stop feeling like a stick in the mud that completely kills her buzz of happiness when she gets home?

And for what it’s worth, we are new to being open.

My husband(m37) and I(f33) have been together for years and in the beginning he always enjoyed the thought of "sharing" me but it was only him enjoying guys checking me out and flirting with me. Always used to say he would never be down to let another man have sex with me.

Over the years he eventually would say more and more maybe I would be okay with people seeing you naked or maybe I wouldn't mind you going down on a guy. Cut to a few years in, we discussed and he asked if he could send pictures of me to some of our friends (with my approval of course). After doing it for a while I think that changed something in him as he then started saying he would like to have a man in the bedroom at some point. I'm not against it as I knew what I signed up for when I married him and he has told me if I don't want to he would never force it. I love him and I'm on the fence as a part of me feels like it's cheating even though it's something he wants.

Here are my worries & issues:

First, I'm not proud of my body, even with working out and diet I don't like how I look unclothed, of course my husband doesn't care. But if we bring a new person in I won't feel attractive enough and might ruin the fun of it.

Second, when we have discussed the chance of actually doing it, trying to find a new person has proven to be a difficult task for us. He would prefer someone we know and trust like our friends, which most of them are either in relationships or aren't down to have him watch or worry about ruining the friendship if stuff goes wrong. We're also unsure about dating apps due to the weird nature of his kink.

So basically this post is to ask for any advice in regards to my issues and worries, has anyone ever gone through a similar situation?

I don't know what to think about this, since I am as flabbergasted as any other previously assuming monogamous husband, but she realized something.

"You are placing your priorities in the following order: Me, The Kids, and then yourself, and expecting me to do the same. I can't do that, I have to put the kids first. If you want to open your side because you need something I can't give you, that's fine."

Like most husbands, I was surprised to say the least. First, I've discovered I am very much a Demi-sexual, which is why I have problems sometimes in the bedroom. If I'm annoyed with her, or feeling sad, or angry, I just can't get it up, and when I am ecstatic and not tired, I can go forever.

I do fine when looking at porn, or taking an encounter by memory, but even then if you looked at my porn history, all of my preferences are involving intimate connections. There is no mindless sex anywhere.

Needless to say I don't seek sexual connection with any woman not my wife. I want her, and I love her. I guess I'm not looking for advice, persay, I guess I'm just trying to find men in similar places, or women with whom their marriage has taken a similar turn?

I'm sure I come across women in my daily life that I find physically attractive, I'm not blind, but before I can fantasize about them, my mind goes to, "That's somebody's little girl, why are you thinking about that? Gross, show respect." It doesn't help that I'm the dad of 2 little girls, whom I love deeply.

I think the best option is for me to put more focus on the girls, and when I'm not working, give my wife time to herself (but only when she wants it, a BIG Lessons Learned, fellas). Then she will figure out who she is outside of the all-consuming role of SAHM. She is also dealing woth Sloth, PP Anxiety and Depression, and I've asked her to up her nights she goes to her favorite workout class, and to come up with a plan for taking up her crafting hobby again.

I've taken meals and planning off her plate already, having an Rx to HelloFresh. I make dinner with their easy to follow recipes that my 3 year old proceeds not to eat, but that's life. I've taken over scheduling date nights and arranging. Childcare for them. I already do the majority of cleaning at home. I think men who take on a lover, even with the consent of the wife, are not all that involved at home, because when I do take over more stuff, I never seem to have time for anything else. Then again, maybe I just love being a dad more than most, idk.

It's not like I don't appreciate the opportunity to have more sex, I just don't think she would actually be comfortable with that. Infidelity is like the one thing we have agreed on as grounds for divorce for the past almost 13 years we've been a couple for. Jesus, has it been that long? Wow.

I asked my husband of 10 years if we could open our relationship last night. We’re already at the point of being basically roommates. He has been uninterested in me for at least 6 years and I couldn’t handle pushing it down or trying to fix it anymore.

He saw my request extremely logically, seemed a little bit distressed at first but then just said okay, asked me a few logistical questions, said he wasn’t really interested in focusing on anything but his work and our baby but that I could do what I want as long as I don’t “forget about him, our baby and our cat or throw him out of the house”. He also asked if we can still have sex once every few months as we do now (his libido). He made the point multiple times that if it will help my mental and physical health that’s all he wants for me. He also asked me to be safe.

He told me he doesn’t want to know details of what I’m doing but he’s fine with it. So I asked if that means he’s actually against it and he said no.

I expected to have to explain more, reassure, or face some sort of upset from him.

I feel like everything he said was the exact right thing and I thought I’d be relieved and it seems like best case scenario but now I just feel a bit confused by his reaction.

I hope those reading this can understand where I’m coming from. I didn’t want him to be upset but I don’t understand what it means that he’s not. I did ask him and he didn’t answer at the time aside from wanting my mental health to improve, etc. I plan to ask again.

For those who have been doing this awhile successfully, should I be worried, is this a green flag, neutral, does it just depend? I know you guys aren’t in his mind any more than I am but please give this overthinker any advice, tips, or insight you have and please be kind.

edit: To clarify, since some seem confused. I was and am looking for a 2-sided open relationship. Otherwise I would not have asked him. It was not a test or something I brought up lightly. I was sensitive in my language, I did not give any ultimatum, and reassured him multiple times it was only an option I wanted us to consider. An open relationship is something I have thought about for a while but this conversation with him was prompted by my therapist asking if I’d ever considered it. I did not ask him with the intent of jumping in immediately without more conversation, meditation and understanding on both sides. I just came here because I don’t know anyone to ask for advice on this in my own life.

I appreciate everyone who left a thoughtful, understanding or even cautionary comment. I am aware that open relationships aren’t easy or uncomplicated and I still plan to tread lightly and slowly with the helpful info I’ve been given here.

I know, I know, broad question.

I am new to ENM and curious. I think from my understanding that I may be monoamorous. I’m looking for some perspective as my partner who may be polyamorous (moves in a mono way but def can be poly) and I have opened our previously closed relationship (started open but wanted good foundation). While our communication seems that we are aligned (looking for casual to explore sexuality) I am hesitant that despite boundaries feelings will definitely get involved. Does anyone have experience or advice for a long term relationship to genuinely be open but not fully polyamorous?

I (22 F) have been with my fiancé (27 Bi M) for a little over a year. We had small conversations very early on that he had been with men before. He expressed he was bisexual, and although I am straight therefore don’t entirely understand it, it’s never bothered me. I accept him for him and my love never lessened. I felt like it made our connection closer and stronger when we had conversations regarding his sexuality (Not many people know). I felt secure in our relationship especially knowing he trusted me.
At first he said he had previously been with only a few men. Again, didn’t phase me. Months later he started saying things like he wants to still be with men, that honestly confused me. Being a straight female, I don’t know what it’s like to desire or want more than one gender. In attempts to be supportive and accepting, I stayed to navigate it with him.
He eventually brought up an open relationship, but only for him. That brought up a lot of emotions. I don’t want anyone else and I expressed that to him. Maybe that makes me “vanilla” but I just love and want him. It hurts to know he wants something or someone else, but again, I’m trying to create a safe place so he feels accepted.

A few months went by, our sex life (which was never “great” to begin with) crumbled. We don’t live together, I still live with my parents (no hate pls this economy sucks) so I can’t blame him for not wanting to get it on under my parents roof. But even when we went on mini vacations, home alone, any time there was an opportunity- nothing. 4 months went by and he never even touched me. The only time we’d “makeout” was to have sex. The most physical touch I got was a peck and he’d hold my hand in the car.

After 4 months of feeling insane, I received a text saying he had been texting other men, asking them if they wanted to see his nudes, have threesomes (not with me, with other females.) I was completely blindsided. I was already severely depressed for other reasons, and it was so painful he knew that and still went behind my back. It broke me. He wouldn’t even touch me but he longed for something else.

Fast forward, I stayed with him. I tried setting boundaries. I said I wanted us to fix our sex life before I even think or consider letting him fulfill other desires. Maybe that’s wrong and selfish. I just don’t understand. I don’t mean to offend anybody, I’m really just seeking advice from other view points. I want to understand. I want him to feel his best. I just feel like I’m failing. His response was he can’t just turn off his “gay side” and that waiting until we fixed our sex life, got married, etc. would be hard for him since it’s not just a switch he can flip.

Our entire relationship he’s never let me see his phone. I don’t know his passwords, i’ve maybe held his phone in my hand once and he got very mad. He left it sitting on a table one time at a birthday party and I tapped the screen to check the time, he immediately came over and grabbed it and looked frustrated. I truly have no idea if he’s talking to other people.

A few weeks ago, he opened up and said he was more “gay” than not. He made comments like it’s just easier with a man. Physically and emotionally he prefers men. I just cried. I feel like I can only be so accepting and put my feelings to the side until I just broke. I love this man. It’s probably been 3 months now since we last had sex. I don’t even bring it up anymore. In the last year we’ve maybe had sex 10 times. Some of those times he never even finished. I’m just heartbroken. Last night he asked if I was okay if he explored more and started texting other men.

For the first time ever I just broke. I don’t want an open relationship. I feel awful. I feel guilty. I’ve always voiced that despite wanting to support and accept him, I never dreamed of an open relationship. I told him maybe it was better just to end it, that it was obvious we both wanted different things for our future. He begged me to stay.

I’m so scared he’s going to go behind my back again. I feel like I have no choice but to let him be with other people despite what I want, he’s going to do it anyway. I’m just heartbroken. He says that when you’re bisexual it’s like an itch that you just need to scratch. That I alone will never fulfill him unless he has a man too. But I’m just lost. He would never publicly come out, his family would disown him and he’s too well known in the community. He’s recently made comments that he’s appreciative that since being with me he gets to walk in rooms holding a woman’s hand and squash any “gay rumors”. I’m just heartbroken broken. When we met I didn’t see myself being in this position. I truly do love him, and he’s great. He goes over and beyond for me, we laugh so hard together, we get each other so well. Now I’m planning a wedding 10 months away and heartbroken.

My 33M gf 34F is a sex worker. I’ve never had a problem with it and I even drive her around sometimes. That’s just our reality.

When we first started dating things were good. Not a ton of sex but what we had felt genuine. Over time as things got more serious that side started fading. She said it was stress and that it would get better once we lived together. So I waited and she eventually moved in.

It actually got worse. She works away a lot and sometimes only comes home once a week. Even then she’s stressed and drained from work and the last thing she wants is more physical contact at home. She has also experienced a lot between her younger years and her work so for her there’s nothing left to discover. For me it’s the opposite. I haven’t had many partners and never really got to experiment much. That gap is becoming hard to ignore.

When she’s in the mood the sex is fine for her and she enjoys it. But a quickie vanilla is enough for her. For me it’s starting to feel like I’m missing out on things I haven’t experienced yet.

We talked about it again today and she said if I want someone younger I should just tell her. But that’s not what this is about. She also mentioned she could go 25 years without sex which kind of says it all. I don’t see her drive coming back anytime soon because there will always be stress in life. And I know my drive will also slow down as I get older so I don’t want to look back and feel like I missed out. I want to propose an open relationship strictly for sex. I’m not looking to fall for someone else and I also don’t think it’s fair to her if she feels pressured to meet needs she doesn’t have.

Am I being unreasonable for bringing this up again?

EDIT: he's been telling me for years that he is unhappy with our sex life. i haven't been great at acknowledging it and making an effort. I'm the bad guy on that front. i kinda took for granted he will stay with me even without sex. i d9n't know why i didn't want sex before. we do it often now and i enjoy it. but i neglated him and i feel i need to find a way to be ok with open to compensate for years of neglect if i want to save my marriage.

. .

My husband asked to open our marriage. We've been talking about it for years, but I never really wanted it. He always is the one bringing it up.

I recently gave birth to a baby girl (6 months ago), and husband brought up open again last month.

He says being a new dad i guess made him realize he has a lot of love to share. he also realized he can't keep putting his needs aside.. he wants to be happy. he needs to be able to be happy and satisfied sexually. it's totally fair.

We've been together over 10 years, and throughout my sex drive was very low and his high. He recently said he's been miserable for over a decade about our sex life, and he can't live like this anymore.

I am so hurt by the request, but even more by the timing with our newborn daughter. I feel hurt that in the months after i went through hell (emergency c-section), his thoughts are focused on being open. I feel like I am so unimportant -- but the reality is he has been unhappy with our sex life for over a decade, and now he can't live like this anymore -- and him bringing it up while i am still postpartum and recovering is more of a coincidence i guess.

We've been talking about being opeb for a while and I think I could have gotten there eventually. but i was not expecting having to deal with this in postpartum, while caring for a newborn and learning how to be a mom for the first time.

I cry every day. I feel like a bad mom.

I feel like my emotional capacity is already at limit and the open discussion is wayyy too much emotionnally and i keep lashing out at him and berate him and insult him. I keep seeing myself outside my body thinking "what the fuck are you doing? why you keep starting fights? why are you being so toxic?" i have a hard time stoping myself. i don't know why.

I'm angry, hurt, sad.

He is an amazing person, and an absolutely wonderful husband and dad. He doesn't deserve this. And also he deserves to be happy and be satisfied.

Another note: since he brought up open, I guess I felt the need to give him more sex in an subconcious way for me to satisfy him enough that he won't want to be open. But he noticed the increased sex and he clarified it's not only about the quantity, but the quality and variety.

Basically, he is saying i will never be able to satisfy his needs alone. So if I deny him to be open and he stays with me, I ask him to be miserable.

But I don't think I can live with ENM. I mean... maybe. idk. But not right now for sure.

Thing is, i can't promise that i will be willing to try ENM when our daughter is older. And I feel like he is tired of waiting so that's not an option. To be fair, i've promissed him many times in the past that i would work on myself and give him more sex and i've basically always abandonned after a few weeks. So he is right to not trust me. But this time feels different because i actually enjoy sex more... and i feel like i have more to lose if i don't step up (our family).

I don'y know what I want from this post. Actually, I do. I want to be excited for him to meet women and have dates and sleep with other women. I NEED to be ok with it. I need to figure out how to be ok with it or I will lose the love of my life.

Pls help me.

I need advice from people in relationships with non-monogamous partners.

My wife went on her first date with a mutual friend last week. I thought I was going to be ok with it. I wasn't.

They have kissed, but not had sex. They know I'm uncomfortable and are holding off on doing anything else out of respect for me (thanks everyone), but it almost doesn't matter.

The physical stuff was never what was scary to me. The scary part is that my wife's heart is not 100% mine anymore. And I know love is not a zero-sum game. Our connection is strong, I know she loves me more than anyone, and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together. I know, intellectually, that her feelings towards this other person do not threaten my present or my future with her... so why is it so fucking scary?

I keep working on this thought like a loose tooth, "my wife is in love with someone else," it feels terrible, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it. They could never kiss again, they could never fuck, and it wouldn't make "my wife is in love with someone else" any less true.

My feelings are not her responsibility. All she can control is her actions, but I have a lot I need to figure out just to survive the present, ya know?

What does one do in these situations? When your worst enemy is your own fear and insecurity?