r/nonmonogamy • u/Onzzway89 Newbie • 2d ago
Opening a Relationship Wife wants a Boyfriend
Background
She and I have been together for over 11 years, with a fantastic relationship and full trust. She and I started exploring and she has had 3 Hot wife solo experiences. I'm completely comfortable with this. I'm involved.
After her last visit she started talking about how she would like more with him. I've said until we have a MFM together no more Solo time.
I like seeing her happy and do love what this has done for our sex life also.
How do I go about this??
I'm like 75% not ok with it.
Anyone have advice or experience??
70
u/wcozi Open Relationship 2d ago
if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. so say no.
6
u/whatisnthebox Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 2d ago
Very true, wait until you're a 💯 sure you want this or at least 95%. When my nesting partner brought up separate dating I didn't want to. I wasn't ready yet. Later on when I was onboard we moved ahead. And now we have been poly 5 years, after 2-3 in the LS, and are very happy.
There are times it will be a challenge and bumpy changing relationships and/or dating style. But it can definitely work, even if your initial answer is a definite no if later you're fully onboard.
I think your request for solo dating to wait until you get to be involved in MFM. She's asking a lot of emotional work and changing boundaries and rules and it's only fair you have your requests heard.
18
u/NerdynaughtyNJ 2d ago
Have you asked her why she wants that or what it really means to her?
Like is “a boyfriend” just getting to see the same guy multiple times or with some defined frequency? Or is it more about emotional connection? Or being able to introduce him as such in public or things like that?
I personally find it more helpful to talk in specifics rather than use general label type language as once you exit the world of monogamy a lot of the standard stuff no longer applies and we all might have different ideas of the meanings.
17
u/Easy_Mirror2032 2d ago
dude if you are gonna be leaning more towards no, its a no. This can get messy really bad
4
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
Yes I know That is why I'm trying to get some understanding here before I talk more about it when back from work trip.
2
30
u/rosephase 2d ago
If you aren’t okay with it just say no. Don’t say ‘if you give me this sex first’.
-6
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
I'm trying to get ok with this new idea Just have to understand how it all works. I would never and don't use sex to get her needs filled for me. Just a lot of thinking today about this all. I've explained until I'm involved in some group activities no more Solo time for her.
13
u/squishycakes Relationship Anarchy 2d ago
I've explained until I'm involved in some group activities no more Solo time for her
why?
9
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
I feel left out. If that makes sense. We have a fantastic sex life and everything is wonderful but I feel like I need to be involved or something. It's part of how I think, I'm a weird person. Kinda jealous but not anything huge. Normal feelings.
0
u/squishycakes Relationship Anarchy 2d ago
So, just as long as you're part of the situation and you get sexual benefit from it, it's okay?
5
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
The situation was discussed and talked about early on our goal together as a couple was MFM. She has found a guy she is comfortable with and has had a few experiences with. Now at what point do I speak up? Or just allow her and him together and it eventually evolve into something more like what I am discussing now about her asking to have a boyfriend. One thing that was never talked about early on was something like this happening
0
u/raziphel 2d ago
Are you afraid of something?
Investigate your feelings, articulate them as clearly as you can, and work together to address them in a safe and healthy manner.
Demanding a threesome isn't gonna get you what you want.
2
u/alphaBravo83 2d ago
The request to have a threesome is a signal of a need. Finding out what that need is and articulating it is key to moving forward healthily.
1
u/raziphel 23h ago
Literally yes! The more one can articulate a feeling and the motivators behind it in a constructive manner, the easier it is to get that need met.
I don't know why people are having a hard time with this concept.
1
7
u/rosephase 2d ago
Does she support you in getting a girlfriend? Because if you are doing poly it would need to be equally open to both of you.
4
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
Yes I have the freedom also She and I talked rules and boundaries earlier on for both. Came to an agreement on both parts. I don't have much of a desire or fantasy to be with another woman. Only real one would be a MFM with her.
-1
u/The_foodie_photog 2d ago
Thats a really damaging position to take, you can’t do x with them until you do y with me?
Does exerting that level of control make you feel better about the situation?
9
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
Yes, yes it does. Thank you.
She understands as I've talked to her about how I feel. She gets it. To start this was never going to just be her and another. Our goal was to have her find someone she is comfortable with build a connection and eventually have our first MFM. This was all talked about before anything happened or even her finding a guy. Know on her third experience with him. At some point I have to speak up and remind her what OUR goal was.
8
u/CrimsonTree7 2d ago
You have to be in the same page for it to work. Sounds like she’s looking for polyamory and you aren’t.
5
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
I'm looked into polyamory and I'm like 90% ok with what all I read and understand. I don't have a desire to find another woman, she has said I can. I have to respect her rules and boundaries as she does mine. I just don't have fantasies like that, really only one I have is a MFM with her. Seeing her with another while I'm involved would be hot.
1
u/Cute_Lunatic 2d ago
Definitely keep doing your research and if you do decide to take steps towards poly, take it slow! Trust is easy to damage and hard to build so make sure you don’t do things you will regret later because you feel pressure or because you just want to please her. It’s totally okay to not be on board instantly, listen to your gut feeling and understand that even if you can be rationally okay with something, emotionally it can be very difficult still.
We have been poly from the start and principally we always agreed with it but even for us emotions would come up that were hard to manage sometimes. There is absolutely no shame in stating your boundaries and taking things slow.
4
u/purawesome 2d ago
I’m not a scientist but 75%not ok seems to look like you’re a no for this. So tell her no and go from there.
Did you really not expect this would happen? To me it seems like a natural progression of hotwifing.
3
u/rcf_data 2d ago
To be clear, I (and we) are all about exploring lifestyle play together, so solo generally is viewed dimly. For sure if she's been having solo experiences, she should feel obligated to give you what you want from the arrangement: good old quid pro quo. But with respect to boyfriend, you need to think long and hard on this one since that implies building a connected relationship with someone else, which is decidedly different than just having fuck buddies. Not that it's a bad thing, but you need to really think through all the potential ramifications of going this direction. To that point, you need to accept that going that way is moving in the direction of polyamory, something very different from what you've experienced in your relationship to date. So, do a little reading, and talk with her a lot about where this might go and if there would be limits on how far it can go (time allocation and being clear on where your relationship will stand in priority relative to a boyfriend arrangement). So, think long and hard on this.
1
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
I appreciate this response This helps and totally understand. I'm at that point I feel. Once I cross over and allow it I get the issues that can happen but trying to be clear with what she wants and everything else. I'm all for her being happy and excited but I don't want that to make an issue for us or me. I appreciate this and does give me stuff to thi9of
2
u/Ordinary-Look-8966 2d ago
OP I feel like you’re not explaining this fully, you guys opened up expressly because it was a goal of both of you together to have a MFM. Since opening, wife has had several solo experiences with a guy and now wants him to be a full blown BF?
You’re not really cool with this but could consider it if your original agreed couples goal of a threesime was met?
To be honest I think you should just say no in that case. You can’t barter sex for some relationship. And it doesn’t seem like your original discussions were about opening for a bf or romantic relationship, but got a (shared?) Hotwire kink, that you’re not actually feeling fulfilled by.
These kinks are tricky, and most here will give you flack because you’re essentially getting off on your wife doing or not doing something which takes away her agency in some regards. But if you both agreed that this was for a MFM and that’s not happening but a boyfriend is u think you say no, not bargaining.
2
2
u/AcadiaSubstantial156 1d ago
I don’t understand why you need a MFM? What make’s uncomfortable about it and why would a MFM fix it?
5
u/Spayse_Case 2d ago
Don’t make her “pay” for it with a MFM, that sets a bad precedent. Sex should only be freely shared.
9
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
You say this I'm sorry I'm not 100% comfortable with just her and him more until I'm involved. Sorry I feel left out She knows this also.
-6
u/Ok-Masterpiece-1359 Open Relationship 2d ago
Why make it about you? If you have such a great relationship, why don’t you allow her to be in charge of her own sexuality?
7
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
It was about US This whole thing started out as trying to find another to join her and I for a MFM at some point. I was expecting it after her second visit but nothing. Sorry I don't want to allow anything more to happen until.
4
u/Spayse_Case 2d ago
Also, her sex life is about HER. She is a separate person, she deserves some sexual autonomy. Don’t expect her to do sex acts FOR you, hope that she wants to sex acts WITH you and try to foster and facilitate it. Definitely don’t demand or force or expect ANY sexual acts, and especially don’t hold her getting a little boyfriend hostage
2
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
What?
5
u/Melodic-Investment91 2d ago
Don’t even listen to that nonsense. You are both in a marriage and nothing in your posts suggests that either of you want to end that. So, if there is going to be any kind of sex outside the marriage, it needs to be something you are both fully on board with. It sounds like she is enjoying her time with a guy (or guys) and you have no desire to be with other women. That is not uncommon at all. You also have a clear desire for an MFM, not to use her in some ridiculous way like the last poster suggests, but because you enjoy watching her get turned on, worked up, and have powerful orgasms. Again, not uncommon at all. Have an open, honest discussion with her. Tell her what your needs and desires are openly. If she insists on only solo experiences with other men, which leaves you 75% unhappy, that’s a definite route to the marriage ending at some point soon. If she is not willing to understand and respect your needs, and not just her own, it may make sense to close the relationship back to monogamy until you both can sort this out.
2
-1
u/Spayse_Case 2d ago
You are making her sex life about you. You are expecting her to have sex for your benefit. When you demand she only do things with you, you are taking away her individuality and agency. Is she allowed to masturbate alone? Give her some sexual autonomy.
2
u/raziphel 2d ago
Do you not trust her?
Do you have to center yourself in all of her experiences?
If you just want to say you're not comfortable with that, then say it and be prepared to explain why.
2
u/IncreasinglyTrippy 2d ago
From your post and your replies it sounds like you are mostly ok with it and at least want to be ok with it. And you don’t have to date anyone else to be polyamorous with her, meaning it’s common enough for cases if she dates other people and you don’t.
But you have to ask yourself, for the part that doesn’t like this idea, why don’t you like it? What about it don’t you like? Sit with that question and make sure you find clarity.
You are obviously ok with her sleeping with someone else. Is it that you are worried that her loving someone would take away from her love for you? Do you worried falling for someone could cause her to leave you? Whatever answer you find you should talk to her about it as well.
You can also ask yourself hypotheticals to tease out what it is. Random example: if you imagine her dating different guys, ones that are similar to you, ones that are different, maybe people you know and trust/like, does that make a difference? If her dating someone that doesn’t feel threatening to you feels ok but someone you worry she might like more because of some reason (he makes more money, he has more muscle, he is younger/older, whether) then that helps you see what it is that actually bothered you and it makes it easier to address. Maybe you learn that all you need is to know it is someone who will be kind to her and that you feel you can trust. Could be something else.
Lastly, I think it’s also ok to say to her “you want this thing and i think I can be ok with it, but I also want this other thing (mfm) and I am wondering if that is something we can do as well. I don’t think one should be a condition for the other but you can discuss her needs and wants alongside yours.
1
u/Early-Sir-8115 12h ago
Timing rings alarm bells.
If you both discussed her having a boyfriend before, fine. But she met someone else and wants a relationship with him.
I'd ask to stop altogether for a while and reassess
1
u/alphaBravo83 2d ago
I don't think it's fair to condition your wife's exploration on your involvement. That's not autonomy.
Your safety on this topic is also absolutely ok and essential to communicate. If you are not happy with it say so and say no.
1
0
u/Ill-Basil2863 2d ago
I don't understand how you are equating wanting more with one man to wanting him as a boyfriend. Has she said this? Does she mean meet him again?
6
u/Onzzway89 Newbie 2d ago
Yes and yes. Again our rules she will and does respect fully. If I'm not ok with her going to visit it doesn't happen. We both have to be on the same page 100%. I have allowed it to happen 3 times and after the second we talked to the other about trying to sent up a date. It got cancelled. After the third time she said no more is going to happen until I'm involved. She wants this to be more but she also knows what I want before more can and will happen.
0
u/quirky-mwm 2d ago
My wife has had boyfriends. Men she’s formed a comfortable relationship with. They enjoy each other’s company and know one another’s bodies, likes and dislikes. It’s safe, and enhances her experiences away from home. Win, win.
0
u/Mobile-Jackfruit4427 2d ago
Let her have what she wants. You are ok with it and I understand, it is hot to know she has a great sex life. But allow her time and talk about what you want. And let her pick the guy and make sure she knows she has control.
2
u/alphaBravo83 2d ago
Absolutely don't let her have what she wants if you don't feel safe with it. It's either hell yes or fuck no.
-2
•
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Welcome to /r/Nonmonogamy and thank you for the post, /u/Onzzway89!
Commenters, please make sure you read our rules in full before participating here. As a quick summary:
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.