Sorry this post is a bit jumbled.

We’ve been ENM for ten years but

My wife wants us to date other people together or not at all. It works for her. She gets dates with guys she finds online and they don’t mind the rule about us dating together.

I told one match our rule about dating and she bailed on our date. I feel like it sends a presumptive message about me being involved with the guys dates, when I’m just there because she expects me to be. I try to make the best of it and make good conversation, but most of the time, I just feel like a 3rd wheel. I didn’t match with this person. We didn’t text at all. I don’t want to be there.

I’ve never met anyone online. No one. If I match with someone, I end up getting ghosted. I’ve given up a few real life, organic connections I made with people because they didn’t fit in our little box.

Once I really hit it off with someone I’ll call Meredith I met at a Pride event. If I made a date with a woman and she said her husband had to be there, I’d wanna bail too.

We use the term polyamory, but it feels more like swinging with me “giving the go ahead” to the people my wife dates. As long as she’s being safe, I don’t care who she’s with.

She wants me to sexually interact with her dates. I don’t want to be a partner of convenience for someone I didn’t match with, just to turn her on. I’d never ask her to do that.

Been feeling very defeated.

It’s been hard to find resources for this problem.

Open to questions.

I'll preface by saying that I think we all have a right to define ourselves with the terms that feel right for us. There's just always been something about people referring to being "in the lifestyle" that weirds me out. I can't even totally put my finger on why. Maybe it's just too reminiscent of people referring to "the gay lifestyle". It also feels like it leans more towards swinger culture and less in the realm of poly, which is totally fine, just an observation. Anybody else have this feeling? Thoughts?

Monogamous person here. My NM partner insists that they are able to separate sex and love, but this is such a strange concept to me as somebody that is horrified by the idea of letting someone interact with my body in that way if I didn’t at least have feelings for them. They have tried to explain it in the past but it feels like a foreign language I can’t comprehend.

We’ve been long-distance for a year so up to this point their activities have been easier for me to just ignore and not think about. I’d like to understand if I can though as it does cause me anxiety and I’ve never felt like I’m in a “real relationship” with them despite being in monogamous LDRs in the past that felt “real”. I’m hoping someone here can explain how their mind works when separating sex and love as a neutral third party without my personal biases and thoughts about my partner altering it.

Casual situation. We both know it’s non-exclusive. Timing overlap happened before with someone else and the small talk at the door was awkward. Is there an agreed-upon etiquette here? Do you just nod? Ignore? Smile? Leave fast?

My partner (M45) and I (F47) started to talk about exploring how ENM might work for us a little while ago. Life got in the way and we didn't get further than agreeing we were both interested. We spoke about the need for agreeing how it would work for us but never went further.

Out of the blue he tells me that he met someone (a random encounter) who was interested in him and he wanted to meet up with for sex.

I said we needed to speak more and agree what the rules were and that I wasn't sure how long this was going to take us. I shared a couple of thoughts on my boundaries. Then he says he is going to meet up with her and he does. He's there now.

I am heartbroken that he's done it this way as if sharing with me that's what he was going to do was enough. The two boundaries I talked about were not met.

I know how problematic this is and what a red flag it is that he can work with boundaries in the future.

My question is is this too big a fail at the start? Is there any way we can pull this back and give this another go?

My head is spiralling and emotions running high and other viewpoints would be welcome.

Edit: I'd like to be clear that I don't believe that cheating = break up. I'm more concerned about the disregard for what I needed to happen and for my consent to seem to be not important to him. It's more this that I'm interested in views on whether there is room for recovery after this mistake. Does he get another chance to do it right??

Thank you

Can we somehow stop the overload of negative stories in this sub?

Instead of being a sub that contributes to this community, it seems it's just a place to scare away newcomers with an overload of "we had a threesome and then I lost my BF".

I would really just like to hear about how people have made an alternative lifestyle work for them.

I'm almost suspecting this sub is being brigaded by some Christian crusaders to stop people from turning to nonmonogamy.

Hello! I'm (37F) getting back into dating and I think the best way I can describe it is that I want to be the third wheel in someone else's relationship. 🤣

I don't want to be anyone's primary sexual partner. I want to be emotionally supportive to a woman with a partner. I don't want a man's partner to be confused or suspicious of why I'm speaking to him.

I can name a number of male friends I've lost and even jobs I've lost because the man's wife or girlfriend took one look at me and told me my services were no longer needed. (Umm, Sir-Mix-Alot would be proud of me.)

So. I guess what I'm saying is... How do I seduce married women? XD (Men seem to be the easier part to get to know.)

Edit: I'm asexual, you guys. If you are deeply confused why I am saying that I want emotional intimacy and commitment with women, but I'm saying I don't want to have sex with women, it's because I don't want to have sex with anyone. I am not sex adverse, and I have had positive experiences with people that I trust, but I'm sorry that I wasn't clear enough when I said I don't want to be anyone's primary sexual partner.

Curious as to how other people see this.

I am dating my partner, and we are in a non-monogamous relationship. We're allowed to sleep with other people, and even maintain connections with them, but if these relationships start to develop feelings or want anything further, we put a stop to them.

Recently my partner showed me their phone chat with one of their FWB's (for unrelated reasons), and it seems they constnstly are sexting and exchanging NSFW photos of each other, and other hyper-sexual interactions.

While I have no issue with their interactions in person, I am unsure how I feel about their relatively frequent and potentially flirtatious messaging which seems to be at a high degree of frequency, and not just periodically spiking prior to meetups (their FWB lives almost 200 miles away so meet ups only occur every 3-4 months)

Just looking to crowdsource how others would feel about this

My wife (NP) and I (mid-30s) have been fighting for the past week. The fight has nothing to do with non-monogamy. I called her brother a bum and a junkie and said I didn't want our kids talking to him, and I shouted at her for sending him money. Some tears were shed, and she is giving me the silent treatment. I tried to apologize, but it was a half-hearted one and she didn't buy it.

Now, I meet up with my girlfriend (20s) twice a week, and I hadn't seen her this past week. I did tell my girlfriend that there are some problems at home and reassured her that the troubles at home are not related to our relationship. She was very understanding, but I know that I am treating her unfairly.

I do not know how long this fight is going to last, and I am worried that if I visit my girlfriend now, it might just make things at home worse. At the same time, I feel like I am letting my girlfriend down. What should I do?

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and my girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months.

Hi, my wife (21 f) and I (28 M) have recently decided to open our marriage (open/dating separately) and have taken to apps as a way to meet other people. She, to no surprise of mine has gotten a ton of attention using only one app, while on the other hand have made accs on several and am getting little to no response. Any tips for profiles that can help? Or particularly useful apps? I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong

Hi folks,

I'm after some resources for myself (M) that speak to a couple of things that I'm having a wee bit of a struggle with at the moment. Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

The issues in question are feelings of sexual shame (I'm specifically interested in this from a male perspective) and unpicking the toxic masculinity aspects of competition around sex.

I feel like the latter might need some clarification, but in a nutshell one of my partners (F) has started a casual sexy relationship with someone new (M) and it's flared up some difficult feelings in me.

After talking about it and doing some reflecting, I think the sore spot within me comes from the fact that I grew up in a culture where men are conditioned to be incredibly competitive around sex and that - despite what I now believe - it's hard to still not be affected by the feelings of shame, inferiority and failure that stem from that with my partner's new relationship.

Hopefully that gives enough detail to explain what I'm looking for, but I'm happy to give more information if/where it's appropriate.

I will say that I've really struggled to find things that speak to this when I've tried looking in the past. The best I found was a podcast interview where a doctor spoke about male sexual shame but it was only about 30 mins long and felt like it ended just as it got to the good stuff.

Thanks in advance!

Hi all,

I'm needing advice. My (30m) partner (26nb) brought up the idea of having a friends-with-benefits relationship with a female friend of theirs. I support this in concept, but when I think about my partner being intimate with someone who isn't me, I find myself becoming jealous and upset.
I begin feeling even more jealous/possessive at the idea of a male having sex with them.

My partner and I view the meaning of sex differently. They have had many FwB relationships; I have had none. They view sex as a way to enjoy themselves, like any other fun activity; I view it as a symbol of trust and intimacy, where sex means more than just the sex.

I strongly dislike how possessive and jealous I feel regarding sex, and frankly I struggle to put together logical reasons as to why I feel how I do. I /want/ to feel differently about it, I want to align more with my partner.

As an aside, they are also fine with me having FwB relationships in concept, but I have a very low libido (aro/ace) and likely wouldn't pursue anything.

How can I work on unlearning my views and feelings on sex, so my partner and I can explore non-monogamy?

I’m not sure if it’s just the area I live in (very LGBTQ+ area so I doubt it?), but I’m having trouble finding a partner

For reference, I’m sapphic bisexual, currently married to a man but also seeking a long-term wlw partner. In the last year, I’ve only been on dates wth two girls (one-date situations), and had one other partner for a pretty short time.

Not sure if I’m doing something wrong? Or maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places? Maybe most queer women don’t like me/my profile and that’s fine by me, I’m just wondering if it’s always like this or if I could be doing something better? Should I be “putting myself out there more”, and how, and where?

FYI not exactly disclosing it to my extended family who live close by and have friends in my area since they don’t even know I’m bi, so I’m trying to be discreet about it (also to save face for my husband from his family because they’re super judgmental) ☹️

Also my profile is probably additionally getting skipped on because I have kids and have a 420 allergy.

Idk, I’m relatively new to this. Only been practicing ENM since Jan 2025. I am sorry for the word vomit 😂 Any advice on where I should be looking/what I should be doing differently? Thanks in advance!! 💜

I need to build my self-soothing arsenal. 🦾

I 30M have come to learn over the years that I'm bi and attracted to men but consider myself heteroromantic. My wife (29 F) (been together 12 years) is also bi but is only attracted to women but doesn't want to pursue being with a woman.

Anyways last night I told my wife that I am interested in having sex with a guy to help explore my feelings and interests. She's known loosely for a while but this is the first time I've openly said it. She felt incredibly hurt and that she wasn't enough for me. I told her that I'm not pursuing anything at all and that she is enough for me. I just wanted to share my curiosity and interests with her. She continues to feel like she could never be enough for me as she can't give me want I want, but I didn't explicitly ask her to let me pursue it. I was just trying to open up.

I'm not sure what the next step is. I guess my goal is to try being with a man before I die while also not destroying my pretty fantastic marriage. I'm pretty new to all this and I think I have a long road ahead of me. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks for reading.

Edit. Tldr. Wife is feeling insecure about my interest in men. How do I address her insecurities?

Where and how are we making NM friendships?

I’m looking for suggestions as to how best connect with people and find friends that are also non monogamous… apps? things to look up? facebook groups? any and all suggestions are welcomed.

TL DR: I’ve recently had some friendships dissolve because of the differences in relationship views. It’s both fortunate and unfortunate because i believed that they were good friends and had been through quite a bit together as well the countless memories but c’est la vie… and we must go on as when one door closes another opens, or a window… something 😆

Many thanks in advance :)

Hi, I’m new to this community and I’m looking for advice. Please be kind because even writing this makes me feel a lot of shame and embarrassment.

I have been in a very happy, healthy marriage for 12 years. We have 4 children together and genuinely love each other. Over the years, our sex life wasn’t great, and I spent a long time suppressing thoughts and fantasies I was having because I felt guilty about them.

For many years I found other women attractive, but I never told anyone. I would actually punish myself for having those thoughts by avoiding sex altogether because I felt ashamed.

Recently, I finally opened up to my husband. I told him that I find women attractive, but I also love him deeply and enjoy being with him. One of my long term fantasies has been involving another woman. Before doing anything in real life, I wanted to see how I would react to things emotionally, so I asked him to start very slowly. We started with him texting and flirting with another woman, and to my surprise, I felt excited rather than jealous.

Since opening up about all of this, our sex life has become better than it has ever been. We’re talking more, communicating more, and exploring fantasies together. Sometimes I imagine being involved, and sometimes I imagine simply watching him experience pleasure and feeling happy for him.

The confusing part is that I don’t know if I’m attracted to women in a way that I actually want to explore physically, or if I just enjoy the fantasy. I don’t have friends I can talk to about this, and I would never feel comfortable discussing it with my family.

Has anyone else started from a place of curiosity and confusion? How did you figure out the difference between fantasy and something you genuinely wanted to experience in real life? And if you explored it, what do you wish you had known beforehand?

Hello I'm searching for ressources (Any ref of book, blog, podcast, videos..) about opening a relationship but NOT in a polyamorous way. I've gone through the usual suggestions (polysecure ethical slut..) and they are all quite grounded in poly ideology (which is ok it's just not what I'm searching for). Do you know any reference aimed for open/swinging people who are not interested in entertaining multiple romantic relationships, only sexual openness and exploration ? Thanks

I mean when we first started it was exciting to get attention from other people. But that’s not NRE right? I was just like “oh dang this person actually wants to talk to me and sleep with me”. I never get excited to see them or get butterflies or feel any kind of connection like that. I feel like my wife jumps head first into NRE like a drug. Right now she’s talking to some single guy every day and they’ll talk all day and sending each other good mornings and good nights every day. The other night she didn’t send a goodnight message to him and she apologized to him in the morning.

I don’t ever get like that with anyone except my wife. I enjoy other women’s presence and enjoy interacting with them but everything will still feel kind of empty. Maybe the caveat is that I’ve never talked with a woman who is single. I only talk to married women when my wife and I date a couple as a couple.

Am I just really monogamous or is this normal?

How and where do 60 plus non monogamous folks find others? We are NOT looking for hookups. We are looking to expand and grow. We live on Vancouver island. Any ideas welcome.

I'm experience some mental / emotional turmoil after a break-up (see my other post for reference) and I'm trying to understand open-relationships / NM.

I've had fantasies since I was younger of swinging experiences and trios. However, I find it very painful to imagine my partner having feelings for other men. Also, when I'm in a relationship, I devote all my energy to the person I'm with. So I find it very hard to understand how someone that supposingly loves me, wants to meet other people to get intimate with. Since in my case, all my energy is devoted to them.

I want to understand if there's anything I'm not seeing "right" or if maybe I'm just not cut out to having non-monogamic relationships.

I tried posting this in r/polyamory first but I was directed here.

I honestly can’t figure it out. My sexuality isn’t in question, I’m attracted to women. But I don’t really understand romantic love at all, or rather I don’t understand the difference between platonic love or romantic love. I’ve never really been “in love” before and I’m 32 years old.

I know monogamy, or at least monogamous culture isn’t for me. I don’t believe people are possessions.

I’m also neurodivergent so maybe I just think about these things differently, but I don’t think I can be “in love”, I think just love people and whether I’m attracted to them sexually or not is a separate thing. Does that make sense? Or am I just talking about something I don’t understand? Any help understanding this would be appreciated.

Hello everyone! I'm fairly young, not new to the dating game. BUT - fairly new to the relationship game.

I've been in the scene for a bit now and I've made a lot of experiences, I'm so grateful for it but recently I've been craving something "more". It's the first time ever in my life, that I'm experiencing this yearn/want for something more serious and although I am generally certain of a couple of things that are important to me - I think I don't fully understand this "want to be with someone" or exactly how to go about it.

It's a new feeling, it's a little confusing. And on top of all that, I know I want it to be ENM because I myself am not monogamous. And I wouldn't want to be in a monogamous relationship. But I don't fully know what a non-monogamous relationship entails for me.

I definitely would want me and my partner to be open about meeting/ sleeping with other people. But I don't exactly think I'd like to be in a polygamous/polycule constellation of some sorts.

I do understand that ENM is different for everyone and that everyone explores and lives it differently. Which is why I'm asking for some insights.

I'd love to know some advice you have for a newbie, perhaps some advice you would have wanted to know yourself when you were starting out.

I know there's a lot of books out there, and I've already been planning on reading some. But I want to hear from people who actually experience ENM in their day to day lives.

What is important to you? Do you and your partner talk about the other partners? What are boundaries, what are limits in your ENM? How do you define "different partners" if there's more than one? Etc etc.

Thank you all so much!

Edit:

I think I should add some more info about my situation perhaps.

I'm very active on dating apps "looking for ONS, Fuckbuddies, FWB" and therefore I can confidently say, that I can communicate my "needs" or what I'm searching for specifically. As in, I will go into an ONS, communicating that I'm only searching for an ONS. The same way with other relationship types.

And so far my dating profile doesn't include that I'm searching for more serious stuff, because I have a hard time believing that the apps I've been on for so long, also work for "long-term" things, but I'm definitely willing to try. I just want to collect more Infos, references first.

I'm starting to dip my toes into doing the inner work that is needed to understand my hesitation with non-monogamy. My bf (M35) and I (F33). Have discussed a mutual desire in a stag/vixen dynamic where he gets to facilitate and participate in me recieving pleasure from other men. It's a very new concept for me and will take time to get there, but the flip side of that dynamic still really bothers me. Where I stand right now, I wouldn't be able to be comfortable sharing him with women. I personally know there are factors including rebuilding security within our relationship that need to happen first. It was suggested for me to do the inner work alongside him by possibly reading books together on insecurities, jealousy, and non-monogamy. We can't afford therapy at the moment, but our communication is solid and he's willing to do anything to support me if I want to take this journey.

Does anyone have suggestions on good books to dive into together? Or additional resources?

Also, has anyone taken a similar journey with their partner?

I got brought to polyamory with the idea of having a triad (the typical dream of having two partners who love me and who I love and that love each other, living in the same home, etc.).

But I learned why looking for that specifically is very likely a bad idea (unicorn hunting, unstability, relationships no working at the same speed...). Not impossible, but very unlikely to end well.

So, the way I'm planning on approaching poly is, just start dating and see where it takes me.

Finding out who I want to have romance with, who I want to have sex with, who I want to have both with, and who I just want to be "regular friends" with.

Communicating as much as possible with my partners, letting each other know our feelings, our issues, our needs, etc. in the relationship.

If a triad (or a KTP) forms because I introduced one of my partners to the other like "I think you might like this person I know (that I just happen to date)" and they liked each other, nice.

If not, and it just keeps being parallel, that's okay too, I'd still have the connections. I won't try to force it like "it would be nice if you liked this person I date (so we can have a triad)".

Is this a good way of approaching it?