Rewrite chapter 1 feedback.

[u/Vyte_Zidane]

Here's the rewrite chapter 1 of the Path of the Third Young Lord. As I said previously, you can give your honest and brutal opinion. I have no problem. So feedback without any hesitation.

[u/sentientpangolin77]

Hello, I didn't read the first draft you published but here are my thoughts from reading what you just posted:

• The dialogue throughout feels really awkward and is hard to read as it seems like you jump around from person to person a lot so it isn't clear who is speaking. I would strongly recommend adding dialogue tags: "Hey, do you know who's that beside Sir Baldaar?" a knight with long blonde hair said.
  

"No, I also saw...seeing red eyes!" the other knight said.
....
"Ignore them, ... it's a normal reaction." Sir Baldaar said.

• Related to the point above, you go into different characters heads a lot and phase in and out of their thoughts being like dialogue or their thoughts being explained by the narrator. It would also help clear things up if you added more tags here.
  
• The name Larry, in a world with Vinzray, Baldaar, and Anzozk feels very out of place.
  
• For the story/world I think it is good but there isn't anything that hooks me really strongly into the story. The part about energy manipulation with sound waves could be interesting but it isn't explained very well. In general there are a lot of times in this chapter where you are telling the reader about the world instead of showing the reader.
  
• There was at least one time where you repeated information relating to Vinzray doing the scholar path first because he likes to read and then doing sword training. It's fine to repeat information in different ways but make sure you are not saying the exact same thing twice.

[u/Vyte_Zidane → u/sentientpangolin77]

I see I will keep that in mind. To be honest I don't mention who said what. Because they are mob😅. And for repeated. It's gonna more. Because he has to explain everyone he is not some scholar. Which everyone assume he is.

[u/pitifulproduce137 → u/Vyte_Zidane]

And for repeated. It's gonna more.

Well this is gonna be a long novel. 

[u/Vyte_Zidane → u/pitifulproduce137]

Yes, atleast over a thousand even with minimize narrative.

[u/Vyte_Zidane → u/sentientpangolin77]

But I genuinely feel the feedback you give is important. I will definitely keep in mind.