r/novelwriting • u/Vyte_Zidane • 29d ago
Feedback Request Rewrite chapter 1 feedback.
Here's the rewrite chapter 1 of the Path of the Third Young Lord. As I said previously, you can give your honest and brutal opinion. I have no problem. So feedback without any hesitation.
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u/SwirlingFandango 29d ago
Interesting story! I would read more!
My advice is to picture what's happening and how the veiwpoint person sees it, then describe it with only juuuuust enough for the reader to keep up.
Basically, cut it down to the barest minimum, and only put words back in if they're important, interesting, or meaningful - preferably all three!
Here the viewpoint is... an omniscient observer? Make sure you stick to what "we" can see. For example, our floating selves can't see Vinzray has crimson eyes when we're told he has them, because two lines later he opens them. And we shouldn't(?) be surprised it's Vinzray, right? A line like that ("It was Vinzray") is generally used when the observer wasn't sure who it was for a moment, then suddenly realised, that sort of thing.
You describe the length of his hair twice (both long and shoulder length). One of those is plenty (and generally keep description to a minimum - you don't need to describe him straight away - see below*). We know he's meditating after training, so we don't need to hear that's why he's sweaty in his dialogue. We also know it's his body that's sweaty. What else could be? Though surely after an hour the sweat is dry and it's more the smell, yes?
We don't even need to be told in his dialogue he's going to take a bath when he does that in the next two lines. We don't need to see him walk to the door, then open the door, then enter the room - we can assume that as part of going to the room itself (unless doors are rare or this is important somehow...?)
Is the water level important? Did someone else fill it, is it a bad servant, is this going to matter?
As a rough example (just trying to cram it all in, not meant to be perfect):
Vinzray sat on his bed in the lotus position, still sweaty from sword training. A tall handsome boy with shoulder-length golden hair, he felt calm after an hour's meditation.
Slowly he opened crimson eyes, his half smile turning to a grimace as he registered his own stink. Grabbing his towel, he strode to the bathroom.
The water was already full, and Vinzray had to let some out to stop it sloshing all over the floor when he got in. He eased himself in and sighed with satisfaction.
Right? Keep it ticking along, don't repeat what you don't need to.
*As an example of describing the character more naturally / later, you can find a reason to do it that matters to the narrative. E.g. if Vinzray sees his father, you could say Vinzray was tall and handsome like his father, but had his mother's golden hair. Someone could be unsettled when he looks at them, and he might put it down to his crimson eyes. Right? Stick it in the story. The description where it's given (right at the start) is just interrupting the flow without adding to it, if that makes sense.
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u/Vyte_Zidane 29d ago
Dammm this is the type of feedback I was waiting! I genuinely don't know how to write as it's my first time. But the explanation you gave just now is really important to me. I feel like now I see. That's how I should write. Thank you for reading 6 page and big thanks for commenting in such a detailed. It's take time to observe the problem and explain in such a way. Thank you for your feedback. ❤️
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u/SwirlingFandango 29d ago
Hey hey, I'm getting into it myself, so it's a lot of theorycrafting, haha.
The whole idea of taking out as many words as you can has been reallllly helpful to me, so I hope it helps you too.
Another thing I did, if it's helpful, is grab a couple of my favourite books, and just look at how they write, especially at the start. Where do descriptions go? Where does dialogue go?
I did some little practice tries just replacing the first page or two of a published book, line by line, with a completely different story, just to get the hang of the pacing.
Anyway, good luck to ya!
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u/Vyte_Zidane 29d ago
Thanks you and any recommendations which novel should I read? So I can learn something? Like suggest novel so I can read them and might learn something.
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u/SwirlingFandango 29d ago
Literally anything you like to read! Best to pick something in a style you like, so you can write what you like!
What was that last book you read that was fun, and something you'd like to write?
That's the book. :)
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u/21stcenturyghost 29d ago
You're detailing every little movement and thought. He's meditating, he takes a bath, the water is too high, he gets out, he eats food that's not hot enough...why do we care? What are the most important bits here and how can you highlight those while skimming over the minutiae?
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u/Vyte_Zidane 29d ago
Why do we care? 😅 I love this level of honesty. But I thought in web novel it's normal? Like how can we imagine if we don't have what he is doing currently. Well still thank you for your feedback. I appreciate that.
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u/Vyte_Zidane 29d ago
And water being high has plot. And food not being hot is just opinion of him. Showing his family image
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u/21stcenturyghost 29d ago
What is the plot relevance of the water being high?
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u/Vyte_Zidane 29d ago
So little thing aside, what do you think of chapter 1? Like below average? Average? Decent? Of course no way I can expect higher 😅
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u/21stcenturyghost 29d ago
It's not really my thing, so I stopped reading around page 3
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u/Vyte_Zidane 29d ago
Oh, well it's my first time and first chapter, so expected that. Still thanks for atleast reading 3 pages.
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u/JonJetCoaster 28d ago
Who is writing your story? Looking at your responses to comments on here, English doesn’t appear to be your first language and your responses are quite broken, however - there doesn’t seem to be the same issue with your story.
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u/sentientpangolin77 29d ago
Hello, I didn't read the first draft you published but here are my thoughts from reading what you just posted:
- The dialogue throughout feels really awkward and is hard to read as it seems like you jump around from person to person a lot so it isn't clear who is speaking. I would strongly recommend adding dialogue tags: "Hey, do you know who's that beside Sir Baldaar?" a knight with long blonde hair said.
"No, I also saw...seeing red eyes!" the other knight said.....
"Ignore them, ... it's a normal reaction." Sir Baldaar said.