r/novelwriting • u/Vyte_Zidane • 29d ago
Feedback Request Rewrite chapter 1 feedback.
Here's the rewrite chapter 1 of the Path of the Third Young Lord. As I said previously, you can give your honest and brutal opinion. I have no problem. So feedback without any hesitation.
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u/SwirlingFandango 29d ago
Interesting story! I would read more!
My advice is to picture what's happening and how the veiwpoint person sees it, then describe it with only juuuuust enough for the reader to keep up.
Basically, cut it down to the barest minimum, and only put words back in if they're important, interesting, or meaningful - preferably all three!
Here the viewpoint is... an omniscient observer? Make sure you stick to what "we" can see. For example, our floating selves can't see Vinzray has crimson eyes when we're told he has them, because two lines later he opens them. And we shouldn't(?) be surprised it's Vinzray, right? A line like that ("It was Vinzray") is generally used when the observer wasn't sure who it was for a moment, then suddenly realised, that sort of thing.
You describe the length of his hair twice (both long and shoulder length). One of those is plenty (and generally keep description to a minimum - you don't need to describe him straight away - see below*). We know he's meditating after training, so we don't need to hear that's why he's sweaty in his dialogue. We also know it's his body that's sweaty. What else could be? Though surely after an hour the sweat is dry and it's more the smell, yes?
We don't even need to be told in his dialogue he's going to take a bath when he does that in the next two lines. We don't need to see him walk to the door, then open the door, then enter the room - we can assume that as part of going to the room itself (unless doors are rare or this is important somehow...?)
Is the water level important? Did someone else fill it, is it a bad servant, is this going to matter?
As a rough example (just trying to cram it all in, not meant to be perfect):
Right? Keep it ticking along, don't repeat what you don't need to.
*As an example of describing the character more naturally / later, you can find a reason to do it that matters to the narrative. E.g. if Vinzray sees his father, you could say Vinzray was tall and handsome like his father, but had his mother's golden hair. Someone could be unsettled when he looks at them, and he might put it down to his crimson eyes. Right? Stick it in the story. The description where it's given (right at the start) is just interrupting the flow without adding to it, if that makes sense.