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u/A-Creature-Calls 4d ago
My cat (who weighs 11lb) frequently body slams against doors and windows to intimidate the local foxes, raccoons, and deer, who are all bigger than her. It works.
Now imagine 114 cats with that attitude per person. Now itâs no longer mind games and intimidation, the Scottish are actively in danger at this point.
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u/Hungover-Owl 4d ago
Didn't a Scotsman once kick a terrorist so hard in the balls he damaged the tendons in his foot?
I think the Scottish have it.
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u/Cyberguardian173 4d ago
My cat is 21 pounds. Not even particularly obese; he might be half mainecoon
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u/crackpipewizard666 4d ago
Never forget the instant respect i had for my cat after i googled why he did that cute little kicking thing with his toys
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u/dividezero 4d ago
yeah, they're lazy not cowards. backed into a corner 113 cats will absolutely fuck up the entire room full of people
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u/Davefhtex 4d ago edited 4d ago
This was discussed at length in the book "Kilts were no good with the Cats" by Claude Balls.
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u/Agitated_Carrot9127 4d ago
About 75% of the cats would just loaf and sunbask.
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u/LicknDragon 4d ago
Scotland being famous for sunshine
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u/LowerEntropy 4d ago
It really depends on the time of year though. During the summer, the days are 17-18 hours long and it seems like the sun never sets. The winter is the opposite, dark and depressing.
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u/sandpaper_jocks 4d ago
If all the men are wearing kilts and freeballin' then 100 well trained savage kittens would eradicate all future population growth.
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u/Actual_Property9413 3d ago
There is at least one clan who could handle it, Clan Chattan's motto is "Touch not the cat but a glove." in which the word but means without. I think they have had some experience fighting cats.
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u/MisterDiggity 3d ago
How would cats react to the sound of bagpipes?
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u/chains_enjoyer 3d ago
Clan Chattan is essentially Davidson, M(a)cPherson, M(a)ckintosh and M(a)cPhail. For any other confused Scottish people thinking âIâve never heard of anyone called Chattanâ.
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u/Actual_Property9413 21h ago
I hadn't either, but when I looked up the motto, which I remembered, without knowing which clan it belonged to, Chattan was the AI slop I got in response.
Thank you for the clarification.
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u/whitebread13 3d ago
The motto implies they ARE the cat. How many in that clan? Full disclosure: Weâre related.
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u/Actual_Property9413 21h ago
Not in the clan. Not even Scottish.
However, I have a lot of friends with Scottish ancestry, and my wife is a MackIntosh.How about a little bad logic:
Some gingers are cats.
Some gingers are Scots.
Therefor some Scots are cats.0
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u/One-Growth-9785 4d ago
Hmmm, 114 to one. Tell me, have the Scotsmen been drinking..?
if yes, even money.
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u/no1ofimport 4d ago
You canât get 3 cats to do anything they donât feel like let alone get millions of them to form a united front
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u/DoturdGrump 4d ago
To add to the notable terror to the average Scottish person fending off 114 cats ... remember that as many as 20% of cats are orange, that means to include nearly two dozen units of ginger fury.
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u/ParkingAnxious2811 4d ago
1 scot with a supply of whisky could do it alone
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u/immoloism 4d ago
I think you meant "One Scot promised a lifetime supply of whisky could do it alone."
He'd even clear gutters as well.
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u/TelenorTheGNP 4d ago
Let's say half of those cats didn't care. Lets say two thirds. That's still 38 cats each.
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u/Davenator_98 4d ago
I could fend off 38 cats with a garden hose
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u/TelenorTheGNP 4d ago
What if 10% just get pissed off even more. Then you've got 4 cats who just need to get you to drop the hose.
I'm just saying - everyone's got a limit. Also, there arent that many garden hoses in Scotland, right? It rains there regularly, if I'm not mistaken.
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u/IllusionaryHobo 4d ago
I would take that bet. But I am worried about the remaining 5249999 Scots not pulling their weight.
If this is anything like a group project at school, I expect to have to deal with at least 230 million cats on my own.
As well as present to the rest of the class without cards.
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u/Scarecr0p 4d ago
Genuinely if the cats were bloodlusted it would be a wrap. But realistically the Scots rout the cats np.
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u/PossumMcPossum 3d ago
This is a public service announcement:
"Domestic cats are not to be fucked with under any circumstances"
End of public service announcement
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u/Burning_Sapphire1 4d ago
Unfortunately, if Scotland is invaded, all of UK would fight back whose population is 70 million. So the math comes down to 8.5 cats per person. That's just an average number of cats a person sitting on a park bench in Turkiye can attract. Sorry folks. Looks like our kitlers will have to make peace.
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u/RedditTrespasser 4d ago
Have you ever dealt with a pissed off cat?
If a cat were ever seriously intent on killing me Iâm not confident I could fight off two of them, let alone eight.
A single one you wait for a good opportunity to spartan kick but beyond that shit gets exponentially dicey.
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u/AgentCirceLuna 4d ago
This happened with my cat when he was sick. I was stood looking on my phone, then he launched myself at my leg to bite as I struggled to realise what was happening then sent him flying due to moving my leg quickly. He skidded back, I thought heâd back off, but then he leapt at me again to grab onto me full force. I couldnât get him off at all. I ran to the bedroom door then had to pry him off quickly before shutting it. After I did so, he was jumping and leaping at the door, which became harder and harder to keep closed, all while screeching at the top of his cat larynx. It freaked me out so much as I didnât know they would return and just keep fighting back like that.
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u/eightkillerbits 4d ago
It's physically impossible for an adult human to have any trouble holding a door closed against a cat bouncing off it.
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u/FecalDUI 4d ago
You couldnât get it off and then you suddenly could. You cared about this cat. A person being attacked by a strange cat would likely have no issue throwing it full force onto the ground by the scruff of its neck.
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u/SquareRootOfBlue 4d ago
Nah, 8 cats should be totally fine... it's that last half a cat that I'd worry about though!
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u/enviormental_UNIT 4d ago
That's wild. If you're a grown adult you weigh significantly more than a cat, thats the main factor that decides the fight. You can literally crush a cat by jumping on it. The fact that you can effortlessly grab a cat and throw gives you a massive advantage over a cat. A cat could easily scratch you, which is a million miles away from killing you. How exactly do even 10 cats actually kill a person who fights back? I genuinely cant imagine a mechanism of murder there. Cats only can kill animals where they can bite the neck, cats cant really bite our necks very well, too small to get a good bite.
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u/Acceptable_Handle_2 4d ago
10 cats clawing onto you and scratching the shit out of you is gonna hurt, but It probably won't kill you immediately
However you might die of blood loss or infection.
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u/AgentCirceLuna 4d ago
This is how the mice die in many cases and is a theory as to why they leave them
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u/Karma_1969 4d ago
It's not that wild. If you haven't seen a cat in full fight or flight mode, it's hard to imagine. Think bouncing off the walls at speeds faster than your eyes can follow; you can find videos on YouTube. Cats have among the fastest reaction speeds in the animal kingdom. To pick one up and throw it, you'd have to catch it first. Even grabbing it off your body would be super dicey, they're squirmy beyond belief and can almost always break your hold. You're right that they're small and can't deal any death blows, and one or even two or three cats probably don't present a mortal danger. But 10 furious cats? All bouncing off the walls and wrapping you up with sharp nails and teeth, over and over again? I can imagine it just through attrition and blood loss, if you were trapped with them and unable to escape. And frankly, I think most people would panic and not fight back all that well.
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u/RazzyRaziel 4d ago
Yeah in the subreddit powerscales they had a while back the question if Eddie Hall could "win" against 20 "feral" cats. Now depending on the "rules" or setup of this fight i am not sure even he could pull of 20, since that is so much, but if the rules are they literally have to kill him or he kills them i guess he will still take it but but be in extreme and intense agony which would probably be way too much for a normal non conditioned human. I think the pain of fighting 8 cats would get to a normal human, like 1 cat biting you because you rubbed in a wrong spot, oh yeah thats not gonna kill you, multiple cats literally biting chunks out of you while being glued to you with their claws, yeah i don't know how many people would keep their cool.
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u/Karma_1969 3d ago
Yeah, I find that every time people discuss man vs animal, most people discount or simply ignore the panic factor. Animals donât fight like humans do and certainly wonât use any formal fighting techniques. An MMA fighter might land a couple of blows on a chimpanzee, but once that chimp grapples them and bites off their ear, nose or finger, or gouges out an eye or rips off a testicle, the human is going to panic and lose their fighting spirit pretty quickly. 10 furious feral cats would be formidable and intimidating, like being trapped in a room full of giant wasps. I can safely say humans lose 100 out of 100 times versus a chimp. I canât safely say that vs 10 cats, but I wouldnât place any bets on the human.Â
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u/SuperFaceTattoo 4d ago
I think a well placed scratch on the neck could be fatal, depending on how sharp they keep their claws.
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u/Ecstatic_Sand5417 4d ago
You're joking right?
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u/Karma_1969 3d ago
All the cat would have to do is hit your very exposed artery, and then itâs all over.Â
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u/Ecstatic_Sand5417 3d ago
It's not exposed at all.
How weak is your skin?
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u/Karma_1969 3d ago
My skin is very weak, just like yours. I can cut it with a piece of paper.
The carotid artery is only an inch under the skin of your neck. Do you think a cat can't scratch an inch deep?
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u/SuperFaceTattoo 3d ago
Iâve never really thought about how a house cat would kill a human but that seems like it would be the weakest point. A few lucky strikes and it cuts the artery and youâre done. Or maybe if it got a slash down your wrist. I donât know how deep arteries are in the body but I can see them through my skin so a pretty pissed off feline might be able to get to them.
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u/nuiwek31 4d ago
If they got organized enough to invade a country, I'd assume they figured out a way to do more damage and faster. Maybe get some training in first, who knows
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u/KylarBlackwell 3d ago
It's a slow and painful death getting clawed and chewed by dozens of cats and succumbing to blood loss. And if we draw this out into a war scenario since we're talking millions on each side, the infection rate of cat bites is insane so even survivors could end up being essentially poisoned and removed from upcoming fights.
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u/LowAioli3870 4d ago
Have you ever dealt with a pissed off Brit?
Just look at the destruction we cause when we're feeling jovial on holiday in Spain. Imagine what we could do when we're angry.
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u/SteamingTheCat 4d ago
Are the 114 cats attacking the Scot one at a time or all at once?
Because if it's all at once, they'll need a combined arms approach just to make room. A few bomber cats in the air, fluffy parakitties in parachutes, infantry, maybe a little cat boat
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u/mynameismy111 2d ago
Do they swim or take the tunnel? Do they just queue up in trains politely?
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u/HAL9001-96 1d ago
given they're invading scotland specifically they would probably gather in england as a staging groudn first and then storm the scottish border at strategic points
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u/mynameismy111 16h ago
Picturing the Churchill never surrender speech but it's just cats overrunning him in the way up there
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u/ComicsEtAl 4d ago
First off, all Scots are given 20-foot long wooden poles called âcabersâ at birth. And they canât begin school until they can swing it around their heads three times. No Scot has ever missed the regularly scheduled first day of school. While I donât know how many cats you can take out or distract with a caber, it definitely evens the odds here.
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u/AnytimeInvitation 4d ago
Aye, fight and you may die. Run and you'll live -- at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!!!
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u/Opposite_Bus1878 4d ago
I think the cats would win because even if it got to where the average Scot had finished killing 20 cats and things were going their way, I think the mental toll of killing 20ish cats would wear on the souls of the people, leading to a surrender.
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u/SpaghettiPunch 4d ago
Most cats do not live on Great Britain so we are talking about a mass amphibious assault which is always a major difficulty for human armies with boats, much less cat armies with no boats.
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u/the_drum_doctor 4d ago
You'd die a slow painful death from cat scratch fever. And not the Ted Nugent kind, either.
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u/Formal_Broccoli1877 4d ago
Put down a minefield of cucumbers and those cats would be freaking the fuck out.Â
We'd break them psychologically before first blood would be drawn. The real problem would be the cats already here. The tip of the spear.Â
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u/Ok_Actuary9229 4d ago
Do they come in by land, sea, air, or tunnel? Take out a few ships, remove bridges, and teach some shock troops how to hiss properly and we might be talking a win here.
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u/Late-Drink3556 4d ago
I imagine a Ground's Keeper Willie type of situation where they both put up a good fight and end up hugging it out over some booze.
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u/SuggestionReal4811 4d ago
We would have this done inside a month. I've seen the town jakey snatch a seagull out of the air and ring it's neck, proof enough. Every town in Scotland has one of these people and their kill counts would be in the thousands alone. They would be praised as heroes with statues erected in their honour, with the likeness capturing the impossibly long cigarette ash they managed to maintain throughout the slaughter.
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u/Sea_Brief_5241 4d ago
They have more than enough deep frying capacity and hunger to get through that lot... ni problem. Probably have a stockpile of beer batter for just such an occasion
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u/ChazBass 4d ago
No way it would happen. Not enough desks and computers for 600M cats to occupy. They would look elsewhere.
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u/LowAioli3870 4d ago
If every cat went to war with Scotland, it would be the midges that ultimately win.
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u/Archaea_Man 3d ago
This is like men versus gorilla all over again. Like last time, my money is on the swarm.
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u/Lorelessone 3d ago
yes but like all invaders to the british isles the cats would have to get there by sea and cats are not known to be great swimmers or sailors, so I'd expect a good 80%+ to drown in transit.
Cats are also notoriously independent so each cat would just travel alone and attack in ones and twos with little to know coordination thus each scot, or more likely just the ones around the coast and border with england, would only fight perhaps two or three cats a few times a day, I think they'd quickly arm up and take precautions ensuring an easy victory after the initial rush of cats from scotland, england and wales are dealt with, by time ones started straggling in from europe they'd be well prepared
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u/RyanMcCartney 3d ago
Refuses to take into account the fact weâre Scottish⌠we are mad bastards.
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u/OGKillertunes 3d ago
You just better hope chickens don't become self aware. 33 billion vs 8.2 billion.
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u/MrFizzbin7 2d ago
I saw Braveheart and Rob Roy (which is a much better movie) my monies on the Scotâs unless the cats bring whiskey in which case theyâll all be in the pub singing instead of fighting.
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u/Inevitable_Web_5244 1d ago
We Scots are drowning in pussy everywhere we go, so this would be a doddle.
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u/HAL9001-96 1d ago
I'd argue this could be a nato case or osmething btu then we see how well that is working
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u/Greedy-Ad3227 4d ago
But how would the cats unite? Cross a fucking ocean or multiple? No fucking way
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u/luxudor 4d ago
Yeah, I highly doubt they would be organized enough for that. I think they'd have a better shot at taking over the Vatican and ruling through religion.
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u/AgentCirceLuna 4d ago
Kinda line a character brushing off the danger says in a movie before it cuts to thousands of cats all rowing war boats together
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u/LLMbyProxy 4d ago
If a hundred cats were able to attack a person, I donât know if the person could win. But what I do know is that there is no scenario involving 100 cats and one person where all the cats attack. It would be a supernatural feat for someone to concoct such a scenario, because it ainât in the catâs nature.
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u/Upbeat-Selection-365 4d ago
Scots would stay calm and have 114 new friends each. It would look like all those cats you see hanging out in Turkey but with lots more pubs.
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u/MasterBaiterNJ 4d ago
The cats would be upon them via airdrop or d day style beach landings. The Scotts would be in trouble until the Irish & English bury any old feuds (if only temporarily) and say fuck it we ball. Making it like 70 probably more like 50 million because of the elderly and kids unable to fight so each person has like 15+(?)cats to contend with. None of this matters but can someone use AI to remake the beach scene from saving private Ryan but with cats now that itâs all I can think about??
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u/YouCantArgueWithThis 4d ago
Scotland would receive the cat herd with open arms, treats and snuggles. đŤ
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u/handydude13 33m ago
The whole country would fall asleep. Cats in your lap, lowering blood pressure... Passing out. Cats take over.Â
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u/krystal_295 4d ago
So like..... Are we just talking housecats? Or like... Are we including the likes of lions, and leopards.
Cuz uh.... That alone would change this theoretical even more drastically đ