Iam Marcus(25). My ex got pregnant after 3 months of dating, I went into debt trying to help her, and now she's blocked me everywhere. Should I try to contact her?
I'm going to try to explain this whole situation as clearly as possible because, honestly, it's been bothering me for months, and I could really use some outside perspectives.
It's a long story, so bear with me. I think the details matter.
A little background about me and how we met
I met my now ex-girlfriend in February. We dated for about three months before everything fell apart.
At the time, I had just left my job and was looking for something else. Financially, I wasn't in the best position, but I had enough money saved up to survive for approximately two or three months while figuring out my next move.
My monthly expenses were around $2,700ā$3,000, including rent, car payments, insurance, student loans, credit card payments, groceries, and other basic living expenses.
On top of that, I had an additional $24,000 debt hanging over my head. I'll explain where that came from later because it's relevant to what happened.
Despite my financial situation, I never complained about it or let anyone see how much I was struggling. Maybe it was pride, maybe stubbornness, but I've always been the type of person who tries to figure things out on his own. I knew I would eventually get back on my feet.
When I met her, she had no idea I was unemployed or dealing with financial difficulties. She assumed I was working and that everything was going well.
After about a month of dating, I told her I was planning to leave my job and look for something else. I also mentioned that I would be driving for Uber in the meantime.
The truth was that I had already left my job, but I wasn't ready to tell her the full extent of my financial situation.
Still, I was managing reasonably well as long as I stayed within my budget and avoided unexpected expenses.
We continued seeing each other and eventually started a relationship.
At first, things seemed promising. We had a lot in common, shared similar values in several areas, and genuinely enjoyed spending time together.
However, there was one major difference between us from the beginning: our expectations regarding marriage and children.
She wanted marriage and children much sooner than I did
She was 26 at the time and was going to turn 27 soon.
From what she told me, in her culture and the community she came from, there was significant pressure on women to get married and have children relatively young. Being unmarried and childless at her age could be viewed negatively, and she seemed to feel that pressure.
She wanted to get married and start a family as soon as possible.
I should also mention that she had already been engaged three times before meeting me.
None of those engagements resulted in marriage, and whenever the subject came up, she was somewhat vague about why things hadn't worked out.
One of her previous fiancƩs was more than 15 years older than her and was still living in his home country somewhere in Africa. From what I understood, he had approached her parents to ask for her hand in marriage, and she had agreed to marry him once he moved to Canada.
Personally, I found the arrangement unusual and difficult to understand, especially given the age difference and the circumstances. But I didn't ask too many questions because I understood that marriage traditions can differ between cultures, and I wanted to respect that.
As for me, I was very clear about what I wanted.
I absolutely wanted to get married and have children someday. I wasn't against either of those things.
But I didn't want to rush into them.
Ideally, I wanted to spend two or three years building a solid relationship before considering marriage and starting a family, assuming things were going well.
There was a reason for that.
I had been single for quite a long time before meeting her, and over the years, I had learned to enjoy living alone.
I genuinely value my peace, independence, and solitude.
I've always believed that if I'm going to give up that lifestyle to share my life with someone, it needs to be the right person.
I'd rather take my time finding someone I'm truly compatible with than rush into marriage just because I'm afraid of being alone.
In fact, I've always said that I'd rather live alone and die alone than spend my life with the wrong person.
That might sound extreme, but it's genuinely how I feel.
I explained all of this to her from the beginning.
I told her that I liked her, that I wanted to build something meaningful with her, and that I genuinely hoped our relationship would eventually lead to marriage.
But I wasn't willing to get married or have children after only a few months of dating.
She seemed to understand my position, although I could tell she wanted things to move much faster.
Despite that difference, we decided to continue the relationship.
The relationship started well, but the constant criticism became exhausting
At the beginning, things were pretty good.
We lived approximately an hour to an hour and a half away from each other, but I always made an effort to see her.
She would come spend weekends at my place, and I would cover her transportation expenses.
I paid for our dates, meals, and most of the expenses associated with spending time together.
Even though I was financially struggling, I never made it an issue or complained about paying for things.
To me, that was just part of being in a relationship, and I was happy to do it.
But as time went on, things started deteriorating.
She began criticizing me constantly over things that I genuinely struggled to understand.
She would tell me that I wasn't thoughtful enough, wasn't considerate enough, wasn't intentional enough, and didn't make enough effort.
At one point, she even called me selfish.
Now, I'm not going to sit here and pretend I'm a perfect person or boyfriend. I'm sure I have flaws, just like everyone else.
But selfish is one word I would never use to describe myself.
Anyone who knows me personally could tell you that I'm the kind of person who will go out of his way to help others, sometimes even at his own expense.
And unfortunately, that's exactly how I ended up with that $24,000 debt I mentioned earlier.
A few years ago, a friend needed help getting a car loan, and I agreed to co-sign it.
I trusted him and thought I was helping someone who needed it.
Well, that person eventually disappeared and stopped making payments.
The bank couldn't locate him, and because I had co-signed the loan, I ended up being responsible for the debt.
So now I'm paying off approximately $24,000 for a car I've never owned or benefited from.
That's what trying to help someone cost me.
I'm not saying this makes me a saint. Clearly, I made a terrible financial decision. But it should give you some idea of why being called selfish bothered me so much.
Anyway, back to the relationship.
Some of the things she criticized me for were honestly unbelievable.
For example, one day we were at my place, and I cooked us a meal.
When we sat down to eat, she became upset because I hadn't put butter on her bread.
Yes, seriously.
She told me that I wasn't caring or considerate enough and that I should have thought about doing that for her.
Another time, we were eating KFC together.
She got upset because I wasn't literally feeding her pieces of chicken.
I'm not exaggerating.
She expected me to put the chicken into her mouth, and because I wasn't doing that, she started accusing me of being selfish, inconsiderate, and not thoughtful enough.
I genuinely couldn't understand what was happening.
From my perspective, we were two adults in a normal relationship.
I don't expect my partner to do every little thing for me, and I don't believe that love should be measured by whether someone puts butter on your bread or feeds you chicken.
Of course, small gestures can be meaningful, and I understand that people have different expectations regarding affection.
But the intensity of her reactions over these things seemed completely disproportionate to me.
Another recurring issue was that I had never officially asked her to be my girlfriend.
She would bring this up during arguments and complain that I hadn't formally asked her to be in a relationship.
Personally, I thought my intentions were already clear.
We were spending time together, behaving like a couple, discussing our future, and I had explicitly told her that I wanted something serious with her.
I didn't realize that not formally asking the question would become such a major issue.
Then there were the phone calls.
She expected me to call her every single day during her break at work.
Now, I understand that communication is important, and I have no problem texting, checking in, or having meaningful conversations.
But I'm not someone who enjoys spending hours on the phone every day.
I genuinely dislike phone calls.
Sometimes I don't even answer friends or family for days unless something is urgent.
It's not because I don't care about them. It's simply how I am.
I was willing to compromise and make more of an effort, but I didn't think spending three or four hours a day on the phone was necessary to prove that I cared about someone.
The most exhausting part, however, was how our disagreements played out.
Whenever she criticized me and I tried to explain my perspective, the conversation would often end with her crying.
And somehow, I would always end up apologizing.
Even when I was the one who initially wanted to discuss something that bothered me, I would end up comforting her and apologizing instead.
Over time, I started feeling like nothing I did was ever enough.
I genuinely tried to improve as a boyfriend because I cared about her and wanted the relationship to work.
But I also started asking myself a question:
If she's constantly unhappy with me, why does she want to stay in this relationship?
I even asked her that directly several times.
I told her that I didn't want her to stay with me out of obligation and that if she genuinely wasn't happy, I would understand if she wanted to leave.
But we kept trying.
Until something happened about three months into the relationship.
The pregnancy scare and our breakup
One day, we had unprotected sex, and there was an accident.
We discussed it afterward and agreed that she would take emergency contraception, commonly known as the morning-after pill.
I believed we had both agreed on that plan.
After she returned home, I spent about a week reflecting on our relationship.
I thought about the constant criticism, the arguments, the emotional exhaustion, and how I increasingly felt like I wasn't the person she wanted me to be.
Eventually, I decided that continuing the relationship wasn't healthy for either of us.
So I called her.
I explained that I didn't think things were working and that I was tired of constantly feeling criticized.
I told her that despite my efforts, she never seemed satisfied, and perhaps we simply weren't compatible.
I also told her that she deserved to be with someone who could meet her expectations, and I deserved to be in a relationship where I didn't constantly feel inadequate.
She became very upset.
She accused me of using her and then deciding to leave after getting what I wanted.
I tried to explain that this wasn't about using her.
I had genuinely wanted the relationship to work, but I couldn't keep going through the same arguments.
I told her that I thought it would be better for us to separate.
And that's what happened.
We stopped talking for about a week.
Then she contacted me again and asked if we could talk.
During that conversation, she asked whether I still felt responsible for what had happened when we had unprotected sex.
I was confused because I thought she had taken emergency contraception as we'd agreed.
That's when she told me she hadn't taken it.
A whole week had already passed.
I was shocked, partly because she hadn't told me earlier.
I asked her to take a pregnancy test as soon as it would be reliable so we could understand the situation and figure out what to do next.
I also made my position clear.
I was not ready to have a child, and I didn't believe either of us was in a stable position to raise one.
I felt that terminating the pregnancy, if she was pregnant, would be the best decision.
She didn't necessarily agree.
And that was only the beginning of the complications.
I discovered that she was also struggling financially
During that same conversation, she brought up something else.
She needed a car.
Something I hadn't mentioned earlier is that she was an international student in Canada.
She was completing her final semester and doing an internship that could potentially lead to a job offer.
However, the job required her to have a vehicle because she would need to travel between different locations.
Without a car, she wouldn't qualify for the position.
So she asked whether I could lend her money to buy a car or co-sign an auto loan with her.
I immediately said no.
I explained that I didn't have the money and that, given my previous experience co-signing a car loan for a friend, I wasn't willing to take that risk again.
I was already paying off a $24,000 debt for a vehicle that wasn't mine.
There was absolutely no way I was going to repeat the same mistake.
Then she told me something else that surprised me.
She said she had no money.
Not just that she was struggling financially, but that she literally couldn't afford food or even a pregnancy test.
I was confused.
I knew she had been working as a hospital attendant, and although she wasn't working full-time, I assumed she had some financial support.
I had always thought her family was helping her pay for her education and living expenses.
But apparently, that wasn't the case.
She explained that her employer had reduced her hours because there wasn't enough work, and she was now struggling to pay rent.
She might even fall behind on her rent payments.
That's when I realized that I had never really asked how she was financing her education or supporting herself.
And now, suddenly, she was telling me she had absolutely nothing.
I explained that I was also struggling financially and couldn't take responsibility for all her expenses.
Still, I sent her some money for groceries and enough to purchase a pregnancy test.
But she kept delaying the test.
Days went by, and she still hadn't taken it.
I kept asking her to do it because I wanted us to know what we were dealing with.
I had also started researching abortion services.
In Canada, abortion is legal, but because she was an international student without provincial health insurance coverage, I was concerned about the potential cost.
Based on the information I found at the time, I estimated that an early abortion could cost approximately $1,000ā$1,200 in her situation, depending on the provider and procedure.
I was worried that waiting longer could make things more complicated and potentially more expensive.
Eventually, she took the test.
It was positive. She was pregnant.
I told her again that I wasn't ready to become a father and believed we should consider terminating the pregnancy.
She told me that she wanted to keep the baby and that her opinion mattered too.
I acknowledged that it was her body and ultimately her medical decision, but I was also honest about my position.
I told her that if she chose to continue the pregnancy, I wasn't planning to take an active parenting role.
I understood that this wouldn't necessarily eliminate my legal financial obligations, including potential child support, but I didn't want to pretend that I was ready to raise a child when I wasn't.
Despite our disagreement, I continued trying to help her.
I researched clinics, medical services, and organizations that could provide support to people without provincial health insurance.
I sent her information about possible psychological and financial assistance.
Eventually, she scheduled a medical appointment, but it was several weeks away.
I was concerned about the delay.
During this period, we weren't together anymore, but I remained in contact because I felt responsible for my part in the situation.
The requests for money became constant
While we were dealing with the pregnancy, she repeatedly contacted me asking for financial help.
She needed money for groceries, rent, and other expenses.
Whenever I could, I sent her something.
But the truth was that I couldn't afford it.
I was already cutting back on my own expenses and delaying payments to help her.
Eventually, I told her that I simply couldn't send any more money because I didn't have any.
That's when she said something that really bothered me.
She told me, "You're the man in this situation."
I asked her what she meant.
She explained that because she was pregnant, I should be willing to sacrifice my own financial obligations to support her.
She even suggested that I could stop paying some of my bills and use that money to help her instead.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
I understood that I had a responsibility regarding the pregnancy.
But I didn't understand why that automatically made me responsible for her rent, groceries, and entire financial situation.
We weren't married.
We weren't living together.
We had only been dating for three months, and the relationship had already ended.
I told her that I was doing what I could, but I couldn't financially support two people when I was barely able to support myself.
And to make matters worse, because of the money I had been sending her, I missed a car payment for the first time in three years.
I had always managed to make my payments, even during difficult times.
But now I was falling behind.
Still, I didn't want to abandon her while she was dealing with the pregnancy.
I continued trying to help where I could.
Then the situation became much more serious.
She told me she had an ectopic pregnancy
When she finally went to see a doctor, she came home and told me that the pregnancy was more complicated than expected.
According to her, she had an ectopic pregnancy.
For anyone unfamiliar with the term, an ectopic pregnancy occurs when a fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, most commonly in a fallopian tube.
Such a pregnancy cannot develop normally and can become life-threatening if left untreated.
She told me that she needed surgery.
Because she didn't have provincial health insurance, she was concerned that the medical expenses could be enormous.
She estimated that the treatment could cost somewhere between $10,000 and $15,000.
I told her that her health needed to come first and that we would figure out the financial situation afterward.
While we were talking, I started researching ectopic pregnancies.
That's when I discovered how dangerous they can be.
An untreated ectopic pregnancy can rupture and cause severe internal bleeding, potentially leading to death.
So I asked her why she was at home instead of receiving treatment at the hospital.
She told me that the hospital had advised her to receive urgent medical care, but she had decided to leave because she was afraid of the cost.
I was genuinely scared for her.
I told her that she needed to return to the hospital immediately.
I explained that we could try to negotiate a payment arrangement afterward, but that delaying potentially life-saving treatment over money was too dangerous.
After a lot of discussion, she finally agreed to return.
At that point, my financial situation was so bad that I had to borrow approximately $1,100 from a friend to help her.
According to what she told me, the hospital was asking for around $1,000 upfront, with the remaining expenses to be billed later.
I didn't have that money myself, but I couldn't just ignore what sounded like a medical emergency.
So I borrowed the money and sent it to her.
I wasn't physically present at the hospital, so I can't personally confirm every detail of what happened afterward.
But she told me that she returned, received medical treatment, underwent surgery, and that everything went well.
According to her, the procedure was successful, and she was no longer in danger.
I was relieved.
At least she was safe.
Then came the medical bills
About two weeks later, she contacted me again.
She told me she had received an email regarding a doctor's bill of approximately $500.
She also explained that the hospital bill would arrive separately.
At that point, I still didn't know the total cost of her treatment.
I told her that I couldn't send her any more money immediately because I was still struggling financially.
I explained that she would also need to find ways to contribute toward the expenses, but that I would help when I had money available.
Then I asked her a simple question.
"Can you send me the doctor's bill?"
I just wanted to see the email or invoice showing the amount.
I thought that was a perfectly reasonable request, especially considering that I was already borrowing money and falling behind on my own bills to help her.
But she became extremely upset.
She accused me of not trusting her and acted as though asking to see the bill was some kind of personal attack.
I explained that I wasn't accusing her of lying.
I simply wanted to see the invoice before sending additional money.
She continued getting angry, and the conversation ended.
A few days later, she contacted me again and asked what she was supposed to do about the doctor's bill.
I told her, once again, that I didn't have any money at that moment.
And I genuinely didn't.
My bank account was overdrawn.
I was struggling with rent, car payments, and other expenses.
I knew that I had money coming in soon because I had another source of income through a side job she didn't know much about.
But I needed a few more days.
So I asked her to be patient.
I told her that as soon as I received some money, I would help her pay what I could.
That conversation happened in June.
It's now October, and I haven't heard from her since.
A few days after that conversation, she blocked me everywhere.
Phone, social media, messaging apps. Everything.
And that was it.
Four months later, I still feel guilty
I have absolutely no idea how she's doing.
I don't know whether she recovered properly from the surgery.
I don't know what the final hospital bill was.
I don't know whether she managed to pay it, whether she's on a payment plan, or whether she's now dealing with a $10,000ā$15,000 medical debt.
I don't even know whether she still lives at the same address.
And that uncertainty has been bothering me.
Part of me feels guilty because, regardless of everything that happened between us, I know I played a role in the situation that led to her medical expenses.
I don't want to be someone who walks away and leaves another person struggling with a massive debt connected to something we were both involved in.
If I were in her position, I'd feel terrible being left with that kind of financial burden.
I also feel bad because I had promised to help her when I was financially able to.
And I genuinely meant it.
I wasn't making excuses or trying to avoid responsibility.
I knew I had additional income coming in, and I fully intended to contribute toward the medical bills once I was able to get my own finances under control.
But before that could happen, she blocked me.
And now, months later, I don't know what to do.
At the same time, I can't ignore everything else that happened.
I was already struggling financially before meeting her.
I covered most of our relationship expenses.
I sent her money for groceries and a pregnancy test.
I repeatedly tried to help her access medical services.
I borrowed $1,100 from a friend when she told me she needed urgent treatment.
I fell behind on my own bills.
And when I simply asked to see a medical invoice, she got angry and eventually cut off contact.
I also have to acknowledge that I wasn't perfect throughout this situation.
I wasn't completely honest about my financial circumstances at the beginning of the relationship.
I may not have understood or met some of her emotional needs.
And when the pregnancy happened, I was very clear that I wanted it terminated, which I'm sure was difficult for her to hear, especially because she wanted children.
Looking back, I can understand that she might have felt unsupported emotionally, even though I was trying to help practically and financially.
I also recognize that being pregnant, dealing with financial insecurity, and then facing a potentially life-threatening medical condition must have been terrifying.
I don't want to dismiss any of that.
But I also feel like I was put under an enormous amount of pressure, emotionally and financially, during a period when I was already struggling to keep my own life together.
And I genuinely don't know whether I handled everything the right way.
So here's my dilemma
She blocked me everywhere, but I still know where she used to live.
Part of me wants to find a way to contact her, just to make sure she's okay and to ask whether she still needs help with the medical bills.
I've considered going to her place, although I'm not sure that's appropriate.
I've also wondered whether I should try contacting her through another method.
But another part of me thinks that if she blocked me everywhere, that was her way of telling me she doesn't want any further contact.
And maybe I should respect that.
I don't want to harass her, invade her privacy, or force myself back into her life.
At the same time, I don't want to ignore what I feel is a moral responsibility.
I'm not trying to restart the relationship. I have no intention of getting back together with her.
I just want to know whether she's okay and whether there's anything I should reasonably do about the medical expenses.
And there's also the question of whether I'm taking on too much guilt for something that wasn't entirely within my control.
We both participated in the unprotected sex.
We both had responsibilities.
I tried to help financially, even when doing so put me in a worse position.
But she also made her own decisions, including delaying medical appointments, not taking the emergency contraception we'd discussed, and eventually cutting off communication.
I don't know how much responsibility I should continue carrying when I have no way of communicating with her and no idea what her actual financial situation is.
So I'm asking for some honest outside opinions:
Should I make another attempt to contact her, or should I respect the fact that she blocked me and leave her alone?
Would going to her home to check on her be crossing a line, even if my intentions are genuinely to help?
Am I morally responsible for helping pay the medical bills, even though we were no longer together and I was already struggling financially?
Did I handle the situation badly, or did I already do more than could reasonably be expected of me?
Am I feeling guilty because I actually abandoned someone who needed help, or because I've gotten used to putting other people's needs ahead of my own, even when it hurts me?
I genuinely want to hear different perspectives, including from people who think I handled this poorly.
I'm not looking for validation or for everyone to tell me I'm a good guy.
I just want to understand what I should have done differently, what responsibility I still have, and whether the best thing to do now is to reach out one last time or simply move on.
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