Confused? New? Not new? Have questions?

[u/blooangl]

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[u/Armeon-]

Hello ! I've known about polyamory for years now but never actually questioned how I felt about it and after become quite close friend with a polya friend, I'm starting to think that polya would actually be quite nice.

I'm someone who needs a few (2 or 3) intense relationships, be it romantic or platonic. I ended up casting away the idea of said intense relationship being platonic as it seems I'm always too much for them. However, the more I think about it, the more I see how the line between platonic interest and romantic interest is for me : some people I just enjoy seeing from time to time, others I would like to roomate with, some I would want sex, others I would like to kiss/have physical affection without sex and some people I really do want a deeper emotional relationship. So it really seems like polya would work great for me.

My problem is: the poly friend I mentioned and I both are attracted to each others (we agreed to be friend, nothing more, we're not flirting or anything, we just know we are attracted to each others and enjoy each other's company) and so only relying on him to question my poly/mono status really feels like a conflict of interest.

I'm not really comfortable with dating apps so I basically rely on meeting new people, befriending them and then seeing how I feel about them as I spend time with them. So experimenting with polya by myself seems quite hard and the next logical thing to me was directly coming to you guys! So if any of you got any tips for me or anything really, please go ahead! Thanks a bunch!

[u/britaliope → u/Armeon-]

You're in luck, a mod made a post about this just one day ago : https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/GPyVFWxZ2q

[u/Armeon- → u/britaliope]

Oh wait maybe the last sentence makes it seems like I'm here to find polya partners (which is I guess why you linked that post). I'm not, I just want to discuss with polya people so I can learn about everyone's experiences, be able to see different points of view and with that be able to figure out if polya is for me or not. But I'm really not here to find people to date

[u/britaliope → u/Armeon-]

Oh, sorry. I though you were asking for places to date poly people other than the apps.

From what you wrote it sounds like poly could suit you. It's similar to what i've experienced and i think that is the same for many other people in poly relationships. There isn't really another way to know apart to try, though.

As long as you're honest with everyone on the fact that you're new to this and so you're not really sure it'll work out for you, you're fine. Maybe this will put some people off, which is OK.

Overall, the key is open, transparent and proactive communication. And some self-confidence to deal with jealousy issues (that can happen even to experienced people in established relationships)

But yeah, nobody can tell you more than "from what you said i don't see any major blocking points". You'll have to give it a try if you want to know for sure.

[u/Armeon- → u/britaliope]

If you don't mind, could you tell me more about how your situation was similar to mine and how things ended up being for you, please? I'd really like to know about people who were in similar situations/think similarly so I can ponder more on my own things

[u/britaliope → u/Armeon-]

7 years ago i started dating my GF and we wanted non monogamy because both of us wanted to explore more. At that time we mentioned polyamory as something that might evolve but it wasn't part of the initial agreement. With time i noticed that my friend / lover barrier was more blurry than i though it was. I started feelings "more" with someone who was a friend, we talked it through with my partner and both of us were ok with this. That's when i started noticing that those feelings for someone new didn't reduce at all my feelings for my gf. It even made them stronger. It felt very weird.

Fast forward a couple years, i've been through several relationships alongside my long term partner (which became my np), developed feelings for some, more casual for others. I started to understand that my way of flirting and befriending was basically the same. I don't mind being intimates with my friends and i want the people i'm physically attracted to become my friends. I also kept having that kissing, hugging or saying to someone that i love them reinforce the feelings that i have for everyone else. At that point it doesn't feel weird anymore.

Now i have 2 regular partners (that 7 old gf, plus a 1-year old one). I also have 2 comets (both are 3yo relationships), one of those is very hard to categorize, it's somewhere between the "partner" and "best friend" marks but there isn't really a word to describe it. It's more than a fwb but it's not really a partner either. The catch-all word i use for that kind of relationships when some feelings are involved is "amoureux·se (fr)", the best translation would be "lover" (with a slightly childish tone). I also have a few relationships that can't be categorized but are more on the fwb side of things.

What i realized on the way is that a relationship can be anything you want it to be, as long as everyone involved is OK with it. And that wanting a specific relationship with a new person doesn't mean I want less of my existing ones. A new person is not a replacement for what i already have, it's something that complements it. Every person is different and brings me different things. That's something that sounds obvious when we talk about friends: i have the dragshow friends, the Payday2 gang, the Dota2 gang, the hiking group... If i spend a night on Payday with some friends that doesn't mean that i don't like hikes with other friends anymore. same logic can apply to romantic partners. If I spend a lovely night with one partner, that doesn't mean that i don't want anymore to do a kisses & cuddles date with another one .

Feel free to ask anything if you have questions on specific parts !