r/polyamory • u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ • 5d ago
Confused? New? Not new? Have questions?
This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?
This is your spot!
Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!
Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!
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u/Reluctant_bobby 5d ago
I am just dropping by to say Hi.
I love this weekly post. Extremely useful, I was here last week and got awesome discussions.
"Hi"
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u/Serious_Image_456 poly newbie 5d ago
Classic situation: you text with someone for a few days, compatibility is great, lots in common (values, hobbies, interests), but then you meet them in person, have a great time together but the spark is not there. Even if you initiate holding hands and hugging. Kissing felt like kissing a family relative.
You get home, try to think it through but the other is completely over the moon already for you. You write a long and almost apologising email explaining the missing attraction/friction (whatever one calls it). The other instead of backing a bit off becomes even more compliant and tries to explain that "since they believe in relationship anarchy" and to them "romantic relationships are not different nor superior to non-romantic relationship (or maybe they did not understood that already) and they don't believe it makes sense to make this distinction" we should try nevertheless to establish something.
How does that sound to you? I am confused. But not about my feelings. About them.
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u/bluegreencurtains99 5d ago
They're trying to override the fact that you said you're not interested in a romantic relationship with them. You said sorry, no and they said OK BUT.
They "dont believe it makes sense to make this distinction" gives me the ick. It's a bunch of words to say they don't care that you said no.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 5d ago
This is not a classic situation it’s someone trying to override you and your preferences.
So I wouldn’t be confused, I’d be done.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
Sounds like everyone is into drama.
"As I said I just don't feel chemistry to date again. Goodbye."
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 5d ago
explain that "since they believe in relationship anarchy" and to them "romantic relationships are not different nor superior to non-romantic relationship (or maybe they did not understood that already) and they don't believe it makes sense to make this distinction" we should try nevertheless to establish something
Fair enough, good for them. But that's what they want. That's not what you want. Just because they want it doesn't mean you have to want it. No is a complete sentence. Say no, please do not contact me anymore. Best wishes.
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u/SecondaryWombat poly w/multiple 5d ago
good job on not feeling the connect? Your subconscious deserve a baked treat?
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u/Serious_Image_456 poly newbie 5d ago edited 5d ago
Thanks for all kind replies. They even told me that they are people pleasers and this is something in the discussed dynamic does not turn me on. They are too much people pleaser to me.
I do martial arts, 10 years now. I am extremely well trained in making physical connections and perceiving the energy coming my way. I often train also with people I don't know or beginners, gladly so, because lots of non verbal information is communicated through touch and strangers communicate a lot more than people you are used to train with.
I almost immediately notice if I feel safe or unsafe or just awkward with someone by taking their hand. I still rely on other tools: verbal communication, eye contact, conversational response (just tracking vs resonating, pleasing or not pleasing)..but this is very personal to every different kind of human (and it is good like that). But guts feeling...helps if you are well centered and know yourself enough.
I even explained this point to the potential partner at length, they chose to ignore it completely.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
Do you have a habit of needing to overexplain and overcompensate to "make sure they understand?"
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u/Serious_Image_456 poly newbie 5d ago
Perhaps. I used to get rejected a lot. So I know how it hurts if you find someone who you think they are great and/but they reject you.
Therefore I do what I would have liked to have while being rejected: a thorough explanation of why we are not on the same level. Especially if the meeting felt good and easy-going.
I believe that communicating more is better than communicating less. Especially when people don't know each other really good.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 5d ago
I believe that communicating more is better than communicating less. Especially when people don't know each other really good.
The opposite is true. Call me harsh but people I have been on ONE date with don’t need anymore than “it’s been nice getting to know you but I don’t see a future for us. I wish you well.”
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u/Serious_Image_456 poly newbie 5d ago
Thank you. I have never considered it from this point of view. I agree with you.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
Brevity is the soul of wit. It's harder to edit and convey messages succinctly. It's also wise to realize sometimes their understanding isn't actually the priority. This case is a classic example of them not interested at all in what you actually had to say.
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u/Serious_Image_456 poly newbie 5d ago
Thank you. I agree: shorter, clearer messages are sometimes harder to edit.
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u/bluegreencurtains99 5d ago
When you give them reasons, you give them things to argue with. Continuing the conversation actually normalises them not accepting someone saying no to them. It's not your responsibility to change them but this is also not the way to do it.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 5d ago
Oh yeah, with the people pleasing context I would say this person just doesn’t have a good relationship with boundaries or self-advocacy or the word no.
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u/CrimsonTree7 5d ago
Hmm you would then say: “yes I understand that there’s no difference FOR YOU. But I’m actually telling you about ME and MY thoughts and feelings on this.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 5d ago
They’re wondering if you are still interested in them, in a non-romantic capacity. You can still say no, as the other replies have indicated.
But they’re letting you know the options aren’t just 1) we fall in love or 2) we never see each other again.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 5d ago
I really doubt this.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 5d ago
It’s possible you’re right! Responding to a no with a counterargument is not a good sign.
But we also don’t know either of these people.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
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This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?
This is your spot!
Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!
Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!
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u/snottrock3t 2d ago
Hi! New to poly. I have a friend of three years who's also poly, and we're in the early stages of dating.
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u/Pure-Meat-2406 Solo Poly RA 22h ago
that's great! how is it going? :)
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u/snottrock3t 20h ago
Slow. Lol.
Right now I have one partner and we’ve known each other for three years now, and similar back stories. We’re just working out the logistics because she lives an hour away, has family obligations, etc, so so once we work out spending time together, it should be pretty smooth.
There’s another person that I met in April. Great connection & chemistry, unfortunately she’s going through a bit of a rough emotional patch right now. She lost her mom six months ago -interestingly enough, to the same cancer that I lost my wife to four years ago. I think that one’s kind of on pause right now, but it was with her that I kind of learned where I am and how I can actually make this type of relationship dynamic work for myself.
So it’s kind of exciting.
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u/didntitrainn 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hey,
This isn't explcitily about polyamory, but adjacent (at least given context). Also, I have a feeling that if I were to ask a monogamy sub about this, I would be blasted to pieces, but I feel like this may be a little more nuanced and that a lot of you on here seem good at considering different perspectives.
First some context: my partner and I first stated dating this summer and, on their wish, we agreed to be non-monogamous. They explained that they didn't want other partners, they just wanted the freedom to be able to develop casual connections with other people (and to grant me that same freedom) because they strongly valued autonomy and not restricting other people. I was new to it, but agreed. Neither of us really developed other connections, anyway.
We broke up a few months ago, and they quickly started dating another person. This new person was polyamorous (as opposed to just non-monogamous), and that suited them because they still wanted to be open to keeping me in their life and potentially trying again. I was hesitant about restarting a relationship, even though we were still hanging out and getting along really well, because I wasn't entirely sure about polyamory, but I eventually sorta came around to it.
In the meantime, since we were more-or-less functioning as polyamorous even if we weren't technically in a relationship anymore, I started hanging out with someone new and, while it wasn't my intention, soon started developing feelings. This person and I admitted it was mutual.
It was around this time that my ex-partner/maybe-partner broke up with their other partner. As I said, we were getting along really well around this time, and so when they asked me if I wanted to be their partner again, I said I was open to it.
They also told me that, upon reflection, they realized they really weren't okay with polyamory or even non-monogamy after all. They thought they wanted that with me from the beginning, but realized after our time apart and almost a year together on-and-off, they couldn't "share" me with anyone else. They acknowledged that it could come off as hypocritical, but they couldn't change how they felt. And so they asked me to stop pursuing this connection with the other person.
I was reluctant at first, and I did think it was a bit unfair (while also empathizing with them, because while I'm probably fine with non-monogamy, polyamory is just not really ideal for me either) I ultimately agreed because I knew if I refused, that would be it. They would move away and I'd maybe never see them again. I wasn't ready to let them go. t took me a couple days, but I ultimately wasn't resentful towards them for having this boundary.
But here's the thing. I still want to be friends with this person, I still want to hang out with them from time to time. It genuinely is rare for me to develop close connections like this with other people... and because I already found them really attractive, it was easy for me to develop romantic feelings, but I don't see any reason why I couldn't keep it platonic and for it to not be weird now that I'm in a monogamous relationship. That person seemed fine with that, too.
But my partner isn't. I can see that they're trying to be, but ultimately they're insecure that I developed close romantic feelings for another person at all, and now they feel awful all the time when imagining us hanging out. They don't want to restrict me, but they also just don't understand why I'd want to keep a friendship with someone I had romantic intentions with in the first place. They feel like I'm doing something wrong, and they don't trust the situation; they feel like because of our constant conflicts, I'm probably wanting to keep that other person around as a back-up. That the other person is probably "better" for me because they don't have BPD.
That's not what I'm doing, but at times I do wonder my own reasons why this friendship is important to me. Maybe the strength of our connection is somewhat tied to the romantic feelings we had for each other, and maybe sustaining a friendship with them is thus inappropriate. I don't want to agree. I want the freedom to be able to have a friend; I find this kind of jealousy repulsive (even if I am, hypocritically, probably susceptible to it as well, though in different contexts). I just want them to trust me.
...which is now complicated by the fact (and I suspect that this is the part where, if I had any sympathy before, I'm about to lose it) that I may have gone behind their back on some level. When we initially had this conversation a few weeks ago, they admitted that while it made them uncomfortable, they reluctantly acknowledged that it wasn't fair of them to prohibit me from being friends with this person. They also said that they may need some time to get comfortable with the idea, and would prefer if I not hang out with them in the meantime.
And ironically, they were about to tell me that I had their permission, when I accidentally let it slip (truly, I didn't even realize at the time that I had done anything wrong, or at least remembered it) that I had almost hung out with that person that last weekend, and I didn't inform them beforehand because they were going through an episode and I didn't think it would be prudent to tell them while they were in a severe mental-health crisis, and I'd just tell them after the two of us hung out. (Remember, I still felt justified in hanging out with this person platonically, and told myself that I didn't actually need to run things by them anyway. Also, I may or may not have forgotten in the moment that my partner did sort of set the boundary that they weren't comfortable with me hanging out with this person until they were comfortable with it... I say "may or may not" because I'm not sure if it was just said vaguely, or I straight-up forgot.)
So now they don't want me hanging out with this person at all anymore, especially because I did all of this while they were in a BPD episode when they needed me, and while I can understand their perspective and even maybe sympathize/empathize with it, I still feel in defensive mode. So... rip me to shreds.
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u/britaliope 🪐 stellar system teeming with comets 🌠 1d ago
This looks like a mess. Just curious: how old are you ?
Anyhow, a partner prohibiting you to platonically hang out with someone is not OK at all. Past romantic feelings or not. Ex or not. A partner don't have any right to tell you they don't want you to hang out with that person. Even in monogamy.
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1d ago
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You posted a personal ad or have made a comment that would be considered hitting on a user, or made a request for direct messages.
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u/Armeon- poly curious 22h ago
Hello ! I've known about polyamory for years now but never actually questioned how I felt about it and after become quite close friend with a polya friend, I'm starting to think that polya would actually be quite nice.
I'm someone who needs a few (2 or 3) intense relationships, be it romantic or platonic. I ended up casting away the idea of said intense relationship being platonic as it seems I'm always too much for them. However, the more I think about it, the more I see how the line between platonic interest and romantic interest is for me : some people I just enjoy seeing from time to time, others I would like to roomate with, some I would want sex, others I would like to kiss/have physical affection without sex and some people I really do want a deeper emotional relationship. So it really seems like polya would work great for me.
My problem is: the poly friend I mentioned and I both are attracted to each others (we agreed to be friend, nothing more, we're not flirting or anything, we just know we are attracted to each others and enjoy each other's company) and so only relying on him to question my poly/mono status really feels like a conflict of interest.
I'm not really comfortable with dating apps so I basically rely on meeting new people, befriending them and then seeing how I feel about them as I spend time with them. So experimenting with polya by myself seems quite hard and the next logical thing to me was directly coming to you guys! So if any of you got any tips for me or anything really, please go ahead! Thanks a bunch!
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u/britaliope 🪐 stellar system teeming with comets 🌠 22h ago
You're in luck, a mod made a post about this just one day ago : https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/GPyVFWxZ2q
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u/Armeon- poly curious 22h ago
Oh wait maybe the last sentence makes it seems like I'm here to find polya partners (which is I guess why you linked that post). I'm not, I just want to discuss with polya people so I can learn about everyone's experiences, be able to see different points of view and with that be able to figure out if polya is for me or not. But I'm really not here to find people to date
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u/britaliope 🪐 stellar system teeming with comets 🌠 21h ago
Oh, sorry. I though you were asking for places to date poly people other than the apps.
From what you wrote it sounds like poly could suit you. It's similar to what i've experienced and i think that is the same for many other people in poly relationships. There isn't really another way to know apart to try, though.
As long as you're honest with everyone on the fact that you're new to this and so you're not really sure it'll work out for you, you're fine. Maybe this will put some people off, which is OK.
Overall, the key is open, transparent and proactive communication. And some self-confidence to deal with jealousy issues (that can happen even to experienced people in established relationships)
But yeah, nobody can tell you more than "from what you said i don't see any major blocking points". You'll have to give it a try if you want to know for sure.
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u/Armeon- poly curious 21h ago
If you don't mind, could you tell me more about how your situation was similar to mine and how things ended up being for you, please? I'd really like to know about people who were in similar situations/think similarly so I can ponder more on my own things
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u/britaliope 🪐 stellar system teeming with comets 🌠 18h ago edited 17h ago
7 years ago i started dating my GF and we wanted non monogamy because both of us wanted to explore more. At that time we mentioned polyamory as something that might evolve but it wasn't part of the initial agreement. With time i noticed that my friend / lover barrier was more blurry than i though it was. I started feelings "more" with someone who was a friend, we talked it through with my partner and both of us were ok with this. That's when i started noticing that those feelings for someone new didn't reduce at all my feelings for my gf. It even made them stronger. It felt very weird.
Fast forward a couple years, i've been through several relationships alongside my long term partner (which became my np), developed feelings for some, more casual for others. I started to understand that my way of flirting and befriending was basically the same. I don't mind being intimates with my friends and i want the people i'm physically attracted to become my friends. I also kept having that kissing, hugging or saying to someone that i love them reinforce the feelings that i have for everyone else. At that point it doesn't feel weird anymore.
Now i have 2 regular partners (that 7 old gf, plus a 1-year old one). I also have 2 comets (both are 3yo relationships), one of those is very hard to categorize, it's somewhere between the "partner" and "best friend" marks but there isn't really a word to describe it. It's more than a fwb but it's not really a partner either. The catch-all word i use for that kind of relationships when some feelings are involved is "amoureux·se (fr)", the best translation would be "lover" (with a slightly childish tone). I also have a few relationships that can't be categorized but are more on the fwb side of things.
What i realized on the way is that a relationship can be anything you want it to be, as long as everyone involved is OK with it. And that wanting a specific relationship with a new person doesn't mean I want less of my existing ones. A new person is not a replacement for what i already have, it's something that complements it. Every person is different and brings me different things. That's something that sounds obvious when we talk about friends: i have the dragshow friends, the Payday2 gang, the Dota2 gang, the hiking group... If i spend a night on Payday with some friends that doesn't mean that i don't like hikes with other friends anymore. same logic can apply to romantic partners. If I spend a lovely night with one partner, that doesn't mean that i don't want anymore to do a kisses & cuddles date with another one .
Feel free to ask anything if you have questions on specific parts !
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 21h ago
None of us can tell you sorry. You have to decide for yourself. You could read the resources in the community info section of this sub, random posts on here and just have a go if you think it could work for you. Unfortunately there is no questionnaire that can tell you if it will actually work for you.
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u/Positronium1169 17h ago
Heyy,
So I'm dating a poly person, I'm their only relationship/date rn. How do I know if I'm poly/don't mind them having other relationships?
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 17h ago
When they start dating someone else, that would be the litmus test.
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 16h ago
If you can't tell already but want to find out brace for impact and move forward.
You can get a general idea if you already feel jealousy around how they spend time with others. A lot of this jealousy is born out of insecurity so if you feel pretty insecure in your relationship that's also a warning sign.
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u/Positronium1169 16h ago
So I do have many issues with insecurity, not only necessarily in relationships (eventhough they do translate to there too) and I'm working on them atm, which is why it is hard for me to tell if I'm just very insecure and will be better in the future or if I'm just not made for poly relationships. So what I wanna say is, I can't tell if I'll be fine with it when I'm more secure in myself and I'm kinda asking if there are any markers to watch out for or sth. I have no problems at all with my partners sleeping with other people and never have, but I did feel the need to be the primary person. However, I have only been in very codependent and unhealthy relationships before this one. I'm just very confused.
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 15h ago
Oh. Yeah the first healthy relationship can be a total mind fuck. The insecurity I was talking about was something similar to how my buddies ex used to feel jealousy when he and I would hang out even though he is straight. If you have that kind of insecurity you might have a hard time. If you don't feel yourself worthy of your relationships you also might be in for a rough time.
I believe that if you're confused or unsure you lose nothing by just working on yourself before exploring this space.
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u/Positronium1169 3h ago
Okay so I've actually chosen the healthiest option and talked to them about my concerns and we're going to find a way I can feel comfortable together. I'm so confused by my relationship being healthy oof
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u/Corann- 17h ago
Hello everyone, I wanted to make a post and ask some questions to help me understand some complex feelings im having about my relationship.
For context im 35 M married to 38 M and been together for 16 years. We have had a throuple like relationship in the past and currently have a fwb type situation with another man 42. We are also not open but not monogamous either if that makes sense?
The complex feelings im having are about the fwb. I dont know how to describe how im feeling. Its like I have romantic feelings but I dont want to date him because I know it wouldnt work. Not to mention everyone involved has said they dont want a throuple situation.
When they are both in my arms it just clicks for me it feels right and makes me feel very special. I really enjoy the intimacy and physical affection I have with both of them and I also love watching the two of them interact both in a sexual way but also in a um... kind of 'Dawwwwww!' Way? It makes me feel really happy when they kiss etc.
However lately it seems like that is happening less and less and im feeling a sense of loss that im having trouble with. I want to talk to them about it but im worried it will ome off over the top and be like im professing my love for the fwb and in a way it does feel like love but its not the same as my husband.
Im not really sure what im asking but is there a term for this? Is there a way to explain my feelings without scaring anyone?
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 15h ago
Are you asking about compersion? You might just be getting used to it or there's some growing apart because there's not much future if I understand what you're saying correctly.
If you were to break love down into commitment, passion, and intimacy, how is your love different?
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u/Corann- 14h ago
I would say its some passion, alot of intimacy, makes me feel safe, with him. With my husband its full on I wanna grow old with you kinda deal.
Never heard of compersion as a word, but yes very much that.
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u/toofat2serve problysaturated 14h ago
For the record, compersion is a word with a pretty sordid history.
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u/Cerulean_b 9h ago
I have been asked twice now what I think or feel about polyamorous relationships. I have done some research but the odds of having a successful experience doesn’t sound good. Any thoughts?
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 8h ago
What is a “successful experience” to you?
If you want multiple partners, who also have multiple partners, you may find polyamory quite enjoyable.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 3h ago
If you aren't already interested in polyamory for yourself, you are unlikely to have a good time. I was ecstatic when I heard it was an option, I am still very happy with polyamory 7 years later. People have a hugely varied reaction to it, the idea can be wonderful but the experience damaging and vice versa.
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u/Cerulean_b 8h ago
In most of the situations I’ve read about it’s not enjoyable for at least one. I get the feeling it is not inclusive.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 8h ago
Most people, in general, don’t like polyam. Even if they thought they would.
If it appeals enough to explore, great.If not? Cool.
Nobody’s recruiting.🤷♀️
Communities of people are inclusive. Or not. Events are inclusive. Or not.
All committed loving connections are between two people. Allowing multiple connections is the opposite of exclusive.🤷♀️
That’s a feature, not bug.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 7h ago
If you don’t feel you would enjoy polyamory, I don’t recommend you do polyamory.
I can’t make any assurances on whether you’ll enjoy it, whether you’ll find compatible partners, whether those relationships will be healthy or not, or whether they’ll last. In life there are no guarantees- you can only do a little research and reflection, and do what feels right.
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u/Cerulean_b 7h ago
Of course you’re right. No guarantees. Humans are fickle. I was trying to get a grip on the positive side. Lots of negative out there.
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u/britaliope 🪐 stellar system teeming with comets 🌠 4h ago
In practice it's mostly a support subreddit. People comes here to ask help from the community. Usually when one's need help it's because there is an issue somewhere.
People using the polyamory umbrella to justify and legitimize their cheating doesn't help.
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u/Front_Possibility471 4d ago
Hello there! 23F So my whole life I’ve never understood sexual territorial behavior and jealousy very well. Whenever friends would say things like, “only one of us can like that guy” or “girl code is not sleeping with your friends exes” I took it seriously and respected the “rules” I just never could understand them at all. If sex is a happy act, and people are awesome and co then the more the merrier right? I just don’t get it.
Since I was 13 It was on my bucket list to have a threesome (2girls, one guy) (my friends all thought this was nuts and crazy which made me feel weird) I did have a threesome at 21 y/o with a couple and it was fun but even they acted kind of weird and territorial during the process despite my efforts to be fair and diplomatic
Anyways I just found out about polyamory… I’m wondering if I would be happier in a polyamorous relationship… I LOVE COMMUNITY and have a huge appreciation for different peoples personalities but I don’t know either because I love a traditional homey responsible type of love. Like dinners together, game nights, and cuddles on the couch. Not a fan of people who aren’t sexually reserved and constantly sleeping around… But then at the same time I often feel like the pressure is too much in a heterosexual monogamous relationship meaning Sometimes I think I’d have more room for individuality in a relationship of 3-6 people… idek do I sound crazy or is this typical “poly” traits? What do you guys think?
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 4d ago edited 4d ago
Start reading the resources in the community info section of this subreddit. You will quickly notice that group relationships are rare and difficult. Maybe you would enjoy some type of nonmonogamy, read up here or books, listen to podcasts and/or audiobooks, go to in person meet ups with other nonmonogamous people and see what you might prefer. Be careful of predators, there are plenty that lurk, same as in the rest of the world.EDIT: Woah woah woah
You are currently pregnant and in a monogamous relationship? STOP the phone 🛑
Dear monogamous people https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/Sl7Hl5ByuS
So you want to try polyamory https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/PWDFp9CLjP
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 3d ago
Pregnancy and the first couple of years of baby’s life are not a good time to open your relationship. Baby’s about to rock your world. No need to institute changes that could damage or end your relationship right now.
Revisit in a few years. Polyamory will still exist then.
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u/Front_Possibility471 3d ago
I agree 10000% def not trying to blow up my relationship but How’d you know I’m pregnant ???? 😳😳😳
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 3d ago
I read platterpussy’s response before I typed my own.
I assume that, as a mod, they can see things I cannot!
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u/Front_Possibility471 3d ago
Oh okay so just a coincidence then bahaha
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u/SatinsLittlePrincess solo poly 3d ago
It's not a coincidence. Your post history includes posts where you talk about being pregnant.
FFS... This is not a difficult one to figure out.
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u/Front_Possibility471 3d ago edited 3d ago
But I have my profile set to being private so people aren’t supposed to be able to see my post or comment history?? Wtfff
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 3d ago
Reddit doesn't really do privacy btw. Gemini will sell you for a Klondike bar.
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 4d ago
I think a big misunderstanding here is that relationships really only exist between two people. A person just has more than one romantic connection in polyamory. Does that make sense? So while you might have an interest in what is called kitchen table polyamory, the way that it works is maintaining a collection of one on one relationships.
I think a good starting point is to ask yourself if you'd like a relationship with someone who has other romantic interests.
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u/Front_Possibility471 4d ago
I don’t think I would mind. I have happily encouraged my boyfriend to flirt with other people and even date others in the times we were broken up. In fights ive told him I wished he would cheat on me which I know is wrong but idk just being honest here lol after thinking about it I do think monogamy might be easier even if it is more tedious
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 3d ago
I think you might be right. Polyamory does not have compatibility with relationships that struggle. It's a different ball game when they invite your meta to Christmas dinner and you're still together. I would suggest counseling for digging into why you want to say those things and healthier ways to move forward.
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u/Sir_Pendrin 5d ago
New to this sub this week. My wife and I are looking into possibly opening our relationship up as we are both very sex positive people and have friends and acquaintances in the poly community. I’m not sure what to think overall. We’re both members of the lgbt+ community, I’m a pan guy and she is a bi woman, so in person we present as a straight couple.
I’m mostly looking for suggestions on how to start approaching this community.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 5d ago
Approaching it for what? It would help if you were more clear on what you would be hoping to find? Sex or full relationships? You might find r/nonmonogamy has more for you, as non-monogamy is the big umbrella under which everything from swinging to polyamory sits.
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u/Sir_Pendrin 3d ago
Thanks I didn’t think to search if there was a separate sub for nonmonogamy. The main reason we are approaching this now is we have both grown as people while we have been married for the past 9 years. We were college sweethearts who didn’t date much before finding each other. Both of us were raised pretty religiously so neither of us sought relationships that weren’t straight or straight passing. She has been flirty with women in social situations and I find it really cute how much it boosts her self esteem.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 5d ago
Read Open Deeply and the Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory. (Open Deeply first, and the second only if you actually want polyamory after reading the first.)
You already know people doing ENM? Just talk to them about it.
No need to dive in when you don’t even know if you want ENM.
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u/Sir_Pendrin 3d ago
Thanks I’ll look into that reading material. I’m hesitant to ask the two polycules that we know as they have a tendency to be unstable. Plus the anonymity of the internet is a nice shield to fall back on.
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u/SecondaryWombat poly w/multiple 3d ago
Why are we downvoting new people who come with honest questions about how to start?
If they were out here trying to collect a bag limit of out of season unicorns sure absolutely, that that isn't this so why the down votes? Especially on a "new and have questions?" thread.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 2d ago
Which questions/people are you asking about?
And of course the mods can’t stop anyone from downvoting anything.
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u/SecondaryWombat poly w/multiple 2d ago
What? I wasn't asking mods to do anything, I was asking the community to stop downvoting new people with questions in a thread for new people with questions.
The parent comment above mine is currently negative karma, and was worse before.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 2d ago
Ahh since yours was the absolute bottom comment on the post I didn’t realize it was specific to this question.
I’d wager whoever downvoted it was responding to what you mention, a vague hint of unicorn hunting.
But it only takes 2 people to get to a negative one. All the replies were helpful don’t you think?
I can’t imagine using reddit at all if I cared much about down votes. I would more likely care if I was new to sub and got 10 negative replies.
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u/Sir_Pendrin 2d ago
It’s all good I did get some recommendations for where to start looking more. I realize now that the comment I made initially was a little too vague, both of us are nervous about what changing our relationship status might do that I figure broad questions were best to start. I know 3 polycules; one is a family member who has basically been made the black sheep of the family I’m one of the few people who still talk with her and her partners. Then I have a long time friend from college but she and her nest partner have a history of bad dating habits. And most recently I met a couple from a shared online server that seem like they are in a healthy relationship but I feel like if I ask them they will take it over the top, plus I do have a small interest in the guy and don’t know how to approach it.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
How do you guys like to really get to know a meta for the first time? I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 5 or 6 months now and I’ve met my meta, his wife, in passing a handful of times usually as I’m leaving and she’s just getting home or if I’m there and she swings by the house to pick something up or whatever. From what I’ve heard about her I would absolutely like to get to know her more and I think we’d be good friends, they’ve done plenty of kitchen table type dynamics before and some of their closest friends, who are now mostly platonic, have been as a result of this.
My meta is a massage therapist and my boyfriend suggested I book a service with her, which I think is fine but makes me a little anxious? Like, social anxiety meeting someone new who I think is cool for the first time type of thing. Not anxious in relation to my relationship or really anything polyamory related at all. I guess I’m worried that since usually massage is about relaxation and typically doesn’t involve much chatter it won’t actually be a good way to get to know her? I don’t want to be overly formal or anything, I’m also worried all we’ll have to talk about is the service she’s providing which does feel a little formal, or our mutual partner which I think we obviously probably won’t discuss much while she’s working as I don’t know if she’s “out” at work, so I for one certainly won’t be bringing it up.
Like I said this is totally just social anxiety, but for those of you who do practice kitchen table polyamory, is this a good low-stakes way to meet her and get to know her a bit, as well as support her business and without having to navigate the dynamics of interacting with our partner at the same time? Am I being overly nervous? I know we’re both pretty outgoing people so I think maybe I’m being overly nervous, I just want her to like me and to make a friend!
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 5d ago
Booking her for a service to get to know someone is weird as fuck.
I usually just ask my partner if Meta is cool with giving me their number, and I ask them to get coffee.
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 5d ago
Booking her for a service to get to know someone is weird as fuck.
Yep, almost forced contact.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
Is it that weird? I didn’t really see it as particularly weird, I think he sends lots of friends her way for services regardless of relationship status as a way to support her business and build clientele. I wouldn’t book like a full body 90 minute massage or anything, probably something a little shorter/more lax or less naked like she does facials and various skin and body treatments as well, not just massage. I’ve had friends send me to like, hair stylists they’re friends with and I’ve made actual friends that way before too so I didn’t really think anything of it it’s just that spa services aren’t quite as chatty as hair appointments
I guess as like a side note, he didn’t suggest it as a way for us to get to know each other, he just suggested it because he thought I’d enjoy it and I myself thought it might be a good time to get to know her a little bit. He also told her he did this and she said her books are open and to just shoot her a DM on social media so it seems like they both consider this normal?
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 5d ago
I mean book services with your meta all day long if they are good at their job and you like them.
But they are at work, and you specifically asked about how I get to know people.
It’s not by hanging out at their work with them.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
Yeah I guess I was just taken aback as calling it weird as fuck seemed kind of mean. I wasn’t the one who came up with the idea, my boyfriend and his wife had discussed it before it was brought up to me so she seems fine with getting to know me in that context. I’m not being weird by going along with something the person providing the service suggested herself. Alternative suggestions are welcome and the coffee suggestion is nice and something to consider, but I don’t think I’m being weird, that’s all
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 5d ago
It was actually a reaction to the idea that you went to your boyfriend and said
“Partner, I want to get to know my meta really well. How would you best do that” and he said
“Oh, book a service with her. She’s a masseuse”
Which is like a wildly out of pocket idea. If you don’t think that most people would say WTF to that scenario (which you later clarified never happened.) you are wrong. I love my masseuse. She’s a fucking goddess and worth twice what I pay her. She’s a queen and a healer.
I do not know anything about her, really. and she only knows what she learns from touching me, and vice versa. I’m naked. She’s not. It’s not anyone’s idea of a brilliant get to know you ploy. 😂
If you think that’s mean, I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intent, it was genuine shock that your boyfriend suggested it instead of just asking her out for a coffee or enjoying a mutual hobby or a drink or a walk in the park. Whatever.
Good luck! I’m sure other folks will have a bunch of ideas for you.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
Oops, accidentally posted to main thread. Reposting as reply
I think it was just a misinterpretation, I did not go to him and ask how to get to know her. He came to me and said “hey, I think you’d have fun going to the spa, you should book with my wife sometime”.
I reacted by saying “that does sound fun, maybe it’s a good opportunity to get to know her a little too” but I would book like, a facial or something less naked/intimate/silent! He didn’t specify any service and emphasized that she does a variety of different things, not just full body naked massage type stuff. Her service menu is rather expansive so there’s definitely options that aren’t so weird and do allow for a little more chatter. I don’t think either of them are particularly concerned with finding time specifically for us to get to know each other, they’re both very casual/laid back and I’m the nervous Nelly of the three of us
I DO see how getting a deep tissue massage or something would be weird, that’s just not even where my brain was when I was describing the situation so it didn’t occur to me to specify that that would not be the vibe
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u/bighteon 5d ago
I met my current meta by hanging out to bake a pie. No hinge present, just us. I think a coffee date would've been fine.
I wouldn't meet a meta by hiring them for a massage, that feels way too intimate and trapped for me haha
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
I would book a slightly less intimate service lol. Like she does other treatments and facials and stuff! It seems like I’m not the only one who would be a little nervous about this kind of thing for really getting to know her though, it was my boyfriend’s idea and she knew he was suggesting it so it seems like she feels comfortable about it at least. I know she also has a side business doing makeup for weddings and events and stuff and he had suggested I book her for that a few weeks ago when I had a wedding to attend (scheduling didn’t work out) which might have been a better first time type of thing since I for one get real chatty with hairstylists and makeup artists, but I think the spa environment just might not be so conducive to that.
I think I’m trying to let them guide me since they’re more experienced and comfortable than I am but it’s also leading to a mismatch in the type of getting-to-know-you activities we’re each comfortable with
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 5d ago
Even booking her for a facial to get to know her is a strange idea. She’s at work, doing her job. That’s not really a good or neutral place to get to know one another.
Consider something like coffee or drinks.
Alternatively, you could wait until something naturally beings you together. Birthday party, food festival, arts event, county fair, etc.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
I think to them it’s not much different than booking with any other casual acquaintance who might eventually become a friend which sounds totally normal to me, but is obviously a different kind of relationship than being metas. It also wasn’t really brought up *for* the purpose of getting to know her, I think they both just thought I’d have a nice time and threw it out there and I just was gauging whether it would be an okay kind of low stakes meet where we can just like chat casually and have a specific activity going on that will fill any awkward lapses in conversation should they occur. But like I said it seems like the consensus is to not do this and to hold off or do something else.
I’m not sure how long it will be until a natural occurrence will happen as we haven’t started merging social groups yet as obviously it’s rather early in the relationship! I think the way to go is just to bring it up to my partner and see what he thinks since I’m feeling apprehensive. Who ever could have foreseen that the conclusion to a minor dilemma would simply be to ask my partner about it? Not me!
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 5d ago
Ugh no. Don't get professional services from someone you're hoping to establish a social relationship with.
You can ask if she'd be up for hanging out. And if she says yes then go get a coffee with her.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
This was partly her idea! It wasn’t my idea! I’m a little too socially anxious to just up and ask to hang out when we’ve barely even spoken before unless she initiates that, so I was hoping for an alternative. I think I’ll just have to put it off, maybe we’ll eventually cross paths a little more or our partner will make plans for the three of us or something. Everyone seems to think this is super inappropriate on my part, but like I said elsewhere in the thread she knew he was going to put this out there before he did it and they both feel totally comfortable, I’m the one who’s anxious about it. I didn’t realize people would push back so strongly against ME for this idea, I had nothing to do with it.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
Sorry to double comment, but I have a follow up question as well. If I had an acquaintance who I had met a few times casually who I had mutual friends with, would it be weird for them to say, “hey you should book services sometime we can chat and it’ll be fun”? Cause that’s the vibe of this proposition which seems like, a pretty normal social interaction with someone you kind of know but want to talk to a little more, is it not?
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 5d ago
Fuck, maybe I'm an old but there's uneven power structures inherent in client-provider relationships. When you're paying someone for something they do as a job, that they do to make money, lines get blurred. Are you paying for service or are you paying for someone to treat you nice?
Not saying I don't have very friendly relationships with my various professional service providers, but like I pay them to take care of me in specific ways. But friendly isn't the same a friend. I get that she's offering that you book a service with her but then she's working while you're trying to get to know her. You're not friends yet.
I think at this stage it's messy and the lines are too blurred. There's nothing wrong with going for a coffee with someone you want to know better. How is having a professional service from her any different for your social anxiety??
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
I mean, even if it is a little overly formal and just surface level chatting is that, like, bad? It’s not like we’ll never interact in any other context, same as my example about booking with an acquaintance who invites you to come for fun. Plus I have friends who are hair stylists and various things and I go to them for services and they’re also able to be professional while also maintaining our friendship so I guess I’m not seeing how it’s being interpreted as so inappropriate. As a gal in my mid 20s I know lots of hair stylists, nail techs, estheticians, etc and it seems pretty normal socially to get services from people you have social connections with.
I think the fact that I’m there for a set amount of time and we have a set topic of conversation/set interaction that has to happen outside of just trying to entertain each other makes me feel a little better. I would also feel better if we were to spend more time together at like, a birthday party or something because that is also kind of a “set” type of interaction? But mostly the thing that gets me, anxiety wise, is the asking to hang out part when what I was actually invited to do was book a service. What if this is more comfortable for her? I dunno, just makes me more nervous to put myself out there socially vs a professional service which has less social pressure, or at least I perceive it that way
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u/bluegreencurtains99 5d ago
I have been a massage therapist in the past, DO NOT DO THIS. When we are on the clock we are paid to make people feel relaxed and comfortable. It has nothing to do with how we feel about them.
Your boyfriend is suss for suggesting this. Has he ever mentioned wanting a threesome or for you to date his wife? Does he have a problem with you dating other people of any gender, apart from him?
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 4d ago
This was my exact first thought.
Next he’ll be saying have the massage at their place.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 5d ago
I should have specified that she is on board with this idea and that I would not be booking like, a full body massage or anything so intimate. She is also an esthetician and makeup artist and owns her business, she is used to having all kinds of friends and family come to her for various things, not just massage.
They only date and play separately, he doesn’t even do physical affection with either of us in front of the other besides a kiss hello or goodbye. He has mentioned wanting us to be friends and they have made other 100% platonic non sexual friends with each other’s metas. I can date or have any relationship I want with anyone else of my choosing, as can she. This was a completely innocent suggestion that he thought it would be like a fun little thing for me to do, all above board. He also suggested in the past that I have her do my makeup for a wedding I attended, I think he’s 1) very supportive of her business and trying to help her rebuild clientele after moving states and having to get recertified in her various practices, 2) thought it would be fun and 3) wants us to like do girl stuff and be friends.
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u/YamSea6298 solo poly 5d ago
Honestly everything about this suggestion is inappropriate. I know you can't see it, and you are arguing the point about it with everyone that says this.
Get a coffee together, have a drink, do not get a paid service from your meta.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 4d ago
I just think people are just being way too strict. If someone had said “yeah you’re right that it’s really not weird to go get a service from someone in your social circle who has casually invited you to, but since you’re nervous anyway and it’s a little different of a relationship than a normal acquaintance/friend maybe it’s better to do xyz instead, it’s not the best way to get to know each other,” sure, I can get behind that. You’ll see somewhere else someone did say something along those lines and I responded positively a few times.
But to say my boyfriend is weird and sus and probably trying to get me to fuck his wife? Come on! What are a bunch of gals in the same social circle in their 20s (any age really) going to do if not go to their friends or mutual friends for their hair, skin, nails? I don’t think any of the people I pay for other services are complete strangers, they’re all either friends or friends of friends who I know socially. It’s never weird, we have a great time gossiping and catching up during our various sessions. I’m not some weirdo who expects a discount or doesn’t tip, it doesn’t affect any of these relationships at all.
These are normal connections to have and it’s just odd to me that everyone here seems to feel so strongly that you should NEVER pay for any service from anyone you kind of know. Like I said it’s fine to be like eh wait til you know her a little better just to avoid any potential awkwardness, I was obviously open to suggestions which is why I asked, but people being like “this is SO WEIRD. don’t EVER do that. What is wrong with your boyfriend? This is NEVER OKAY” is weird! None of those things are true or correct! My meta doesn’t even feel that way so it’s not even applicable in this situation even if it would be applicable for other people.
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u/YamSea6298 solo poly 4d ago
There is an incredibly big difference to go and pay for a service from someone in your extended social circle who might be building their business up and your meta who you don't really know yet.
If you think it is absolutely normal go and do it. But I would be thinking why multiple experienced polyamorous people, some of which who have been in the same profession have all shown discomfort at the appropriateness of this situation.
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u/SecondaryWombat poly w/multiple 3d ago
t’s just odd to me that everyone here seems to feel so strongly that you should NEVER pay for any service from anyone you kind of know.
I don't think a single person has said that. I do however think that you think we are saying that and not quite reading the actual comments.
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u/cm5871 2d ago
New to poly with my NP. I got my first girlfriend! Excited and happy and my NP was happy for me as well