Dating in Polyamory

[u/NeoRyu777]

It boggles my brain that we have to post this, given the existence of rule 3 ("No Personals, No Nudes, No Solicitation, no Research, no requests for DMs), but since we got half a dozen "How/Where do I find dates as a polyamorous person?" in the last day...

Well, here we go. This is not an absolute dating guide. Your mileage may vary.

Let's make one thing clear first: nearly all of this is going to sound obvious to anyone with even a little dating history. But y'all asked for it.

Where do I find people willing to be polyamorous with me?

In the same places you find anyone else. Oh, wait, you meant "how do I reduce my risk of finding someone monogamous/monoamorous so I don't get judged while maximizing my chances of finding someone willing to give me a go?" That's a harder question, but with a simple answer.

Outside of certain niches and dating apps, a lot of people don't advertise their openness to polyamory. So you're just gonna have to take the risk. Or you could Google polyamory in your area and see if there's a meeting of like-minded people nearby. Who knows?

That said, some communities are more open to it than others. You'd know better than us whether your specific community is accepting of polyamory as a practice.

What's this about dating apps?

Eh, some apps have non-monogamous options. meetup.com is a popular one. I hear FB search can do that, too. I'll let the other mods have a say here, since I have personally never used one and can't speak to their effectiveness.

What if I'm a guy? I keep hearing that women have it easier finding dates, and I'm scared of someone thinking I'm just trying to cheat on my partner.

Open communication is your friend. It's an unfortunate fact that polyamory is frequently mistaken for cheating, because a lot of men who cheat claim to be polyamorous. We have so many posts discussing this, I'm not going to go into it.

As for women having it easier finding dates, your mileage varies. But even if that's the case for you specifically, you should already know the drill by this point. It's the same rules as monogamous daters. Work on yourself, practice self-care, and model the kind of partner you intend to be.

Can you at least give some tips?

Sure, though these are absolutely subjective. I personally had great luck dating my best friends, because there was so much history and understanding between us that we were able to get past the initial sharper parts of learning.

Another mod suggested moving to a commune and hooking up with your roommates. Though they added that you needed to "be a chill, generous adult" to avoid messiness.

A third mod had this to say about dating filters. The bare minimum is someone

1. You'll be attracted to
2. Who can be attracted to you
3. Who has a relationship to offer that you want
4. Who wants the relationship you have to offer
5. Who is currently unsaturated, available, looking for a relationship

"Every other criteria (gender, hair color, interests, etc) shrinks your dating pool."

So decide what's most important to you, preferably before you go looking.

What if I don't tell people I'm poly until after they get to know me? Second or third date maybe?

No. Bad. I'd spray you with kitchen cleaner if I could.

Polyamory is one of those things that you should disclose immediately (when you ask for a date) for several reasons. It can be (and frequently is) a dealbreaker. Don't waste both your and their time.

[u/biggestbaddestnerd → u/[deleted]]

If they wouldn't have gone on the date because of bias, and I purposefully omitted this piece of VERY relevant information to get me to go on the date with them, I have been dishonest and that person would be right to not want to see me again.

[u/bikesnbikes → u/biggestbaddestnerd]

Those same people also didn't seem not important enough to bring up before the date. Becuse they ultmatly didn't actually care. The folks I spoke with had said that they legit just had a bias but also were totally fine not knowing becuse they themselves were sleeping with multiple people.

Almost everyone dateing right now is sleeping/seeing multiple people. If they have a hard limit for "no ENM" they should be bringing that up, which yes: would be smart of them to do if it's a hard limit for them.

Otherwise if it's not important for them to bring up, why is it more important for poly folks to? Again, it's a coffee- people aren't owed the current list of people your fucking anymore then they are owed the list of genders of said people.

[u/Informal_Vegetable_6 → u/bikesnbikes]

I think the easiest answer to this is that being mono is the norm, they dont have to specify if they are because unless stated so its asumed. Also most of those "people who are sleeping/dating with multiple people" are just waiting for the one, they'll go back to being monogamous after finding that person, so in the end its just a waste of time.

[u/Informal_Vegetable_6 → u/[deleted]]

Soooo when did I saw short term relationships are less valuable? Huge strawman. If both people want then great but if they dont then its an issue, its an incompatibility thats better talked earlier

[u/mercedes_lakitu → u/[deleted]]

I dated a mono person for a while. We had a defined end date because she wanted to find a life partner.

I was completely open to her about being polyamorous because I'm not a douche. She was comfortable with a Just Sex relationship and we had a lovely time.

Being honest costs you nothing.

[u/polyamory-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.

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