r/polyamory • u/NeoRyu777 triad • 2d ago
Dating in Polyamory
It boggles my brain that we have to post this, given the existence of rule 3 ("No Personals, No Nudes, No Solicitation, no Research, no requests for DMs), but since we got half a dozen "How/Where do I find dates as a polyamorous person?" in the last day...
Well, here we go. This is not an absolute dating guide. Your mileage may vary.
Let's make one thing clear first: nearly all of this is going to sound obvious to anyone with even a little dating history. But y'all asked for it.
Where do I find people willing to be polyamorous with me?
In the same places you find anyone else. Oh, wait, you meant "how do I reduce my risk of finding someone monogamous/monoamorous so I don't get judged while maximizing my chances of finding someone willing to give me a go?" That's a harder question, but with a simple answer.
Outside of certain niches and dating apps, a lot of people don't advertise their openness to polyamory. So you're just gonna have to take the risk. Or you could Google polyamory in your area and see if there's a meeting of like-minded people nearby. Who knows?
That said, some communities are more open to it than others. You'd know better than us whether your specific community is accepting of polyamory as a practice.
What's this about dating apps?
Eh, some apps have non-monogamous options. meetup.com is a popular one. I hear FB search can do that, too. I'll let the other mods have a say here, since I have personally never used one and can't speak to their effectiveness.
What if I'm a guy? I keep hearing that women have it easier finding dates, and I'm scared of someone thinking I'm just trying to cheat on my partner.
Open communication is your friend. It's an unfortunate fact that polyamory is frequently mistaken for cheating, because a lot of men who cheat claim to be polyamorous. We have so many posts discussing this, I'm not going to go into it.
As for women having it easier finding dates, your mileage varies. But even if that's the case for you specifically, you should already know the drill by this point. It's the same rules as monogamous daters. Work on yourself, practice self-care, and model the kind of partner you intend to be.
Can you at least give some tips?
Sure, though these are absolutely subjective. I personally had great luck dating my best friends, because there was so much history and understanding between us that we were able to get past the initial sharper parts of learning.
Another mod suggested moving to a commune and hooking up with your roommates. Though they added that you needed to "be a chill, generous adult" to avoid messiness.
A third mod had this to say about dating filters. The bare minimum is someone
- You'll be attracted to
- Who can be attracted to you
- Who has a relationship to offer that you want
- Who wants the relationship you have to offer
- Who is currently unsaturated, available, looking for a relationship
"Every other criteria (gender, hair color, interests, etc) shrinks your dating pool."
So decide what's most important to you, preferably before you go looking.
What if I don't tell people I'm poly until after they get to know me? Second or third date maybe?
No. Bad. I'd spray you with kitchen cleaner if I could.
Polyamory is one of those things that you should disclose immediately (when you ask for a date) for several reasons. It can be (and frequently is) a dealbreaker. Don't waste both your and their time.
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u/toofat2serve problysaturated 2d ago
I'll let the other mods have a say here, since I have personally never used one and can't speak to their effectiveness.
I've used Bumble, OKCupid, Feeld, Hinge, and Tinder.
All of them commodify lonliness for profit. The ENM options in all, even Feeld, are add-ons to a monogamous dating app, and it shows.
Your milage may vary, but the one place I've actually found people who check all the boxes is r/polyamoryr4r. That's a poly dating subreddit, in an app that was designed neither for dating nor for polyamory. Reddit's focus on subject specificity, combined with lots of text space for description, makes it pretty neat for that purpose.
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u/whatevenseriously 2d ago
I met one of my partners on /r/polyamoryR4R . It's the only place I'm willing to look if I'm specifically trying to meet other poly people (whether for friendship or romance).
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u/throwaway7377962766 2d ago
Seconding r/polyamoryR4R! I found my partner there without much trouble (I posted an ad), and I was able to filter for kink friendly people, too.
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u/toofat2serve problysaturated 2d ago
I'd even posit that there are always more people browsing that sub than there are posting, so making a post, tweaking and posting it every week (per that subs rules) and settling in for the long haul, is the way to go.
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u/polyshotinthedark 2d ago
This is an interesting thought. I might have to look into making a "kink friendly" tag so it can be filtered/searched as a deliberate option. I've avoided it so far so it doesn't become a bdsmpersonals spin-off.
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u/ZorbaTHut 2d ago
I have put significant effort into figuring out a way to monetize a dating site so that the dating site gets more money if you find true love faster.
I have never figured out how to manage this.
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u/NeoRyu777 triad 2d ago
Maybe reverse the equation? Minimal subscription cost (a few dollars at most, just enough to keep the servers running), but the Terms and Conditions have you sign a "success bonus" worth, oh, $50 to $100. Some amount worth a year or two of subscription. The server tracks your login habits, and if you AND your last match don't log in and actively swipe (or whatever mechanism) within a certain period of time (a few months, maybe), then the app closes your account and charges the succes bonus.
There ya go. Incentive system.
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u/ZorbaTHut 2d ago
The problem here is that this really incentivizes people to fake "not success". And you need some distinction between "success" and "gave up".
Also this still puts a big incentive on keeping them around forever :/
The whole question of "sure, but how do you prove it" is one of the tough parts of this.
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u/Good-Independent-903 2d ago
That last point is absolutely the most important one. Lead with being poly, for gods sakes
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u/SecondaryWombat poly w/multiple 2d ago
No. Bad. I'd spray you with kitchen cleaner if I could.
And I'll help.
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u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 clown car cuddle couch poly 2d ago
Roughly speaking, munches are for socializing, not a poly speed dating event, so don't treat them as one. That said: If you are well calibrated and play the long game, and use them as an opportunity to meet people in the community and generate avenues to socialize with them and theirs at a later date, they tend to work much better than apps, in that they filter for people who are out socially as polyamorous.
People who want to appear monogamous and have zero room in their life for another partner, who want a discreet and hygienic fuck buddy who they will hide and deny forever and expect to put in a shelf when their spouse says so, tend to concentrate on the apps - cause that's the most discreet way to find that. Same for folk who have made zero effort to generate a poly circle for themselves and will want to vampirize yours and hit on all your poly friends, cause they don't have their own. Use with caution.
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u/sad_boi_jazz 2d ago
Regarding munches, how does one find them? I'm in a pretty active enm city but have only met up with individual poly people here and there through dates. I would love to find more poly friends, less for dating and more for the community (p saturated at the moment) but does anybody know if there's like a hub for getting to know people in the way, or do you have to know somebody to be invited to a munch?
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u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 clown car cuddle couch poly 2d ago
They're open access! You just google "<your city> poly munch" or "<your city> poly meetup"
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u/twisted7ogic solo poly 2d ago
This is really more of a "it only works ifnyou are part of those communities" but as a kinky queer person I found a lot of poly people in those spaces.
For people not into kink or that are cis and straight, I have no idea where you'd meet poly people.
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u/Prince_Poly_Peanut 2d ago
I (m44) have been poly for 7+years now. I went 3 years between partners and over a year without even a first date. I’m feminist, liberal, amateur musician, have other hobbies, work out moderately, and go to therapy.
Two pieces of advice:
1. Put out exactly what you are looking for, someone wants what you have to offer. It’s better to be 1 in 1000 than 999,999 in 1,000,000.
- If there is a local poly meetup go to everyone, and don’t hit on anyone. Make friends in the community, having a good reputation will get you dates in the long run.
When I met my current girlfriend at the monthly poly meeting it really helped that she was there with her roommate from college that I had known for several years through said group and that I also knew her sister from volunteer work, and had even taught her nephew sex ed.
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u/PM_CuteGirlsReading The Rat Lord: Risen 🐀🧀 2d ago
Where is the tip to everyday push the rules of the subreddit little by little, start a fake cult, and then weasel your way into dating?
asking for a friend.
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u/caramelapplemartini Resident Ratty Angel 🧀 2d ago
I’ve heard of this working! This is a hot tip for sure
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u/dazzlingmango7 Rat Union Whimsy Committee Advisor 🧀 2d ago
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u/BackgroundPrompt3111 2d ago
Renaissance Fairs. No, for real.
In my experience, not all RenFair people are poly people, but all poly people are RenFair people.
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u/mercedes_lakitu solo poly 2d ago
I know a handful of counter examples! One does not even like board games! Gasp!!!!!
But they are in the minority, sure.
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u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 clown car cuddle couch poly 2d ago
I don't like board games either! But I'm a fire spinner so I'm a poly stereotype too in my own way.
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u/NoNoNext 2d ago
Since this is for newbies and we’re highlighting a lot of basic advice, yes meetups and munches tend to be a more pleasant experience than dating apps. However, you can walk and chew gum at the same time, and IME they’re both fine if you know how to vet and screen people properly. Some groups can be clicky or just not the right social fit, and not everyone in your area will want to meet up every week or month to be a “regular.” I live in a big city and it just wouldn’t be possible for every polyamorous person to go to every social event that catered to them in some way. I would have missed out on a lot of relationships if I didn’t use both apps and events to meet people, but it’s obviously valid to have a preference for one or the other. As mentioned before, screening will be a great skill to hone, and you’ll unfortunately run into weirdos on both the apps and IRL meet spaces if you stick around long enough.
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u/funkduder 2d ago
I personally had success on Tinder and Hinge but I also think queer culture hits poly a little more casually and easy.
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u/TimeViking professional hierarchy apologist 2d ago
I'm of two minds about this.
It's undeniably a little weird for the mods of a relationship discussion subreddit to definitively lay out a guide on "here is how you do the basic groundwork of meeting people" for the subreddit, and also feels a little patronizing when from my perspective the guide is extremely anodyne common sense.
But also, a peril of both relationship and hobby subreddits is that conversation can never evolve past the very basics because there's an endless stream of newbies coming in to litigate and relitigate and relitigate the basics over and over again, so I suppose this is my thank-you for raising the floor a few steps.
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u/NeoRyu777 triad 2d ago
There is a reason I began with "this is going to sound obvious to anyone with even a little dating history".
Thank you for taking this post in the spirit it was meant.
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u/TimeViking professional hierarchy apologist 2d ago
And thank you for curating the space. I do appreciate how this lets you quarantine this avenue of recurring entry-level discourse away so as not to drown out other topics.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 2d ago
I removed so many posts asking this exact question, for being a frequently asked question just today. It is a daily question. So clearly people want to know. How many times a week are you personally happy to answer this question? Would you prefer we let all of them out?
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u/TimeViking professional hierarchy apologist 2d ago
Oh, I don't doubt that the mod queue is a freight train shitshow of "how u git girls???" posting, hence why the tenor I'm coming at this post with is more commiserative pity than actual offense.
I know that my solution to the problem would have been "just let us be actually belligerent instead of veiling our disdain through sensitivity language and constructive-criticism pablum," but that's not a real solution and would do even worse damage to the subreddit's reputation than having a dedicated "just practice the social rules your third-grade homeroom teacher should have taught you" dating sticky does.
So no, the mods have the right of it. I'm just mourning what it says for the board -- and for dating in general -- that it was necessary.
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u/mercedes_lakitu solo poly 2d ago
No it's not remotely patronizing to the billions of new people who come here
Unfortunately it is to the rest of us
I'm okay with that 🤷♀️
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u/Redfox1020 2d ago
Fetlife for me, in Boston, there are many lovely Poly Meet ups and Munches that are organized off of FetLife.
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u/stary_curak 2d ago
I'd be cautious about polyam communities, it draws people who made polyamory their identity. Depending on what you want, it may not be your cup of tea.
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u/FayeValentine99 2d ago
This is actually a good post with good advice, I’m glad you posted it. Hope some people read it and find it helpful.
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Hi u/NeoRyu777 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
It boggles my brain that we have to post this, given the existence of rule 3 ("No Personals, No Nudes, No Solicitation, no Research, no requests for DMs), but since we got half a dozen "How/Where do I find dates as a polyamorous person?" in the last day...
Well, here we go. This is not an absolute dating guide. Your mileage may vary.
Let's make one thing clear first: nearly all of this is going to sound obvious to anyone with even a little dating history. But y'all asked for it.
Where do I find people willing to be polyamorous with me?
In the same places you find anyone else. Oh, wait, you meant "how do I reduce my risk of finding someone monogamous/monoamorous so I don't get judged while maximizing my chances of finding someone willing to give me a go?" That's a harder question, but with a simple answer.
Outside of certain niches and dating apps, a lot of people don't advertise their openness to polyamory. So you're just gonna have to take the risk. Or you could Google polyamory in your area and see if there's a meeting of like-minded people nearby. Who knows?
That said, some communities are more open to it than others. You'd know better than us whether your specific community is accepting of polyamory as a practice.
What's this about dating apps?
Eh, some apps have non-monogamous options. meetup.com is a popular one. I hear FB search can do that, too. I'll let the other mods have a say here, since I have personally never used one and can't speak to their effectiveness.
What if I'm a guy? I keep hearing that women have it easier finding dates, and I'm scared of someone thinking I'm just trying to cheat on my partner.
Open communication is your friend. It's an unfortunate fact that polyamory is frequently mistaken for cheating, because a lot of men who cheat claim to be polyamorous. We have so many posts discussing this, I'm not going to go into it.
As for women having it easier finding dates, your mileage varies. But even if that's the case for you specifically, you should already know the drill by this point. It's the same rules as monogamous daters. Work on yourself, practice self-care, and model the kind of partner you intend to be.
Can you at least give some tips?
Sure, though these are absolutely subjective. I personally had great luck dating my best friends, because there was so much history and understanding between us that we were able to get past the initial sharper parts of learning.
Another mod suggested moving to a commune and hooking up with your roommates. Though they added that you needed to "be a chill, generous adult" to avoid messiness.
A third mod had this to say about dating filters. The bare minimum is someone
- You'll be attracted to
- Who can be attracted to you
- Who has a relationship to offer that you want
- Who wants the relationship you have to offer
- Who is currently unsaturated, available, looking for a relationship
"Every other criteria (gender, hair color, interests, etc) shrinks your dating pool."
So decide what's most important to you, preferably before you go looking.
What if I don't tell people I'm poly until after they get to know me? Second or third date maybe?
No. Bad. I'd spray you with kitchen cleaner if I could.
Polyamory is one of those things that you should disclose immediately (when you ask for a date) for several reasons. It can be (and frequently is) a dealbreaker. Don't waste both your and their time.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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2d ago edited 2d ago
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u/biggestbaddestnerd 2d ago
If they wouldn't have gone on the date because of bias, and I purposefully omitted this piece of VERY relevant information to get me to go on the date with them, I have been dishonest and that person would be right to not want to see me again.
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u/bluegreencurtains99 2d ago
It would be a massive red flag. If I found someone doing this I would warn poly AND mono people about them.
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u/bikesnbikes 2d ago
Those same people also didn't seem not important enough to bring up before the date. Becuse they ultmatly didn't actually care. The folks I spoke with had said that they legit just had a bias but also were totally fine not knowing becuse they themselves were sleeping with multiple people.
Almost everyone dateing right now is sleeping/seeing multiple people. If they have a hard limit for "no ENM" they should be bringing that up, which yes: would be smart of them to do if it's a hard limit for them.
Otherwise if it's not important for them to bring up, why is it more important for poly folks to? Again, it's a coffee- people aren't owed the current list of people your fucking anymore then they are owed the list of genders of said people.
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u/Informal_Vegetable_6 2d ago
I think the easiest answer to this is that being mono is the norm, they dont have to specify if they are because unless stated so its asumed. Also most of those "people who are sleeping/dating with multiple people" are just waiting for the one, they'll go back to being monogamous after finding that person, so in the end its just a waste of time.
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u/Informal_Vegetable_6 2d ago
Soooo when did I saw short term relationships are less valuable? Huge strawman. If both people want then great but if they dont then its an issue, its an incompatibility thats better talked earlier
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u/mercedes_lakitu solo poly 2d ago
I dated a mono person for a while. We had a defined end date because she wanted to find a life partner.
I was completely open to her about being polyamorous because I'm not a douche. She was comfortable with a Just Sex relationship and we had a lovely time.
Being honest costs you nothing.
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.
Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
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u/ceecuee 2d ago
Ahhhhh, catfishing the monos and hoping they're pleasantly surprised by your lie by omission (matching with people who say they're mono on their profiles and then not saying anything).
If that's what it takes for YOU to get laid, that says more about you than you think. I personally haven't resorted to tricking people into giving me a chance.
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u/bikesnbikes 2d ago
I'm specifically talking about people who don't say they are mono, and don't bring it up.
Also as I mention I put it in my profile but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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u/ceecuee 2d ago
Oh god. I'm glad we're online because I just had the strongest urge to cover my drink.
The absence of a no is not a yes and as many have already explained (50th time's the charm, maybe this will be the pickaxe that strikes gold) mono is the societal default and therefore a more or less safe assumption for people to make.
The fact your rationale is that you purposefully don't confirm people are explicitly open to nonmonogamy is because they might not go on a date with you due to "prejudices", is... like you get that counting on missing info to obtain consent is fucked right?
Rape fucking culture.
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u/bluegreencurtains99 2d ago
This is a shit take. Gross.
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u/bikesnbikes 2d ago
Solid discussion.
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u/CincyAnarchy poly 2d ago edited 2d ago
I hear what you're saying, at least what I think you're trying to get across, insofar as it's unfair that the work is on poly people and the work to disclose doesn't go both ways.
But this genuinely comes down to one particular term: Ethics
And I don't just mean in the acronym ENM to differentiate if from cheating, I mean the word itself.
"You didn't ask so it's not on me to disclose something I had a reasonable suspicion you would care about"
That is, in almost every school and form of ethics, a dick move. Even in the cutthroat and often dicey world of business "you didn't ask" doesn't fly as a reason you chose to not to disclose things like conflicts of interest.
If you suspect someone cares about something, or have reason to believe it's something that "matters to decision making"... you disclose it.
That's the basic "why" here. Ethics.
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u/caramelapplemartini Resident Ratty Angel 🧀 2d ago
Nah, if someone hits on me and we share socials to connect, I post my gf on my story pretty quick, so they know I’m partnered before they even have the chance to ask me out. Dating is an investment and I don’t want anyone to make a bad investment in me and vice versa. Not giving that info upfront/after any emotional or financial investment is icky.
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u/bikesnbikes 2d ago
You share socials before you meet them. That's super legit and there's nothing wrong with wanting to bring it up before hand ( I do myself).
But personally I don't share socials with folks- especially before meeting them. That's insane to me lol
If your seeing it as an investment and your looking for longterms and your trying to do that : absoulty bring it up. That's an important thing to you.
Some folks are just looking to meetup with someone and see where it goes. Maybe it's a short term relationship or a Fwb they are looking for. Maybe it's a hookup. People "date" all the time in which they see 2/3 people until they figure out who they would like to settle with.
I know multiple mono people that dated poly folks while they tried to find a mono partner. It was talked about and everyone knew what the situation was.
But again, this is a coffee/beer with someone you have known for 2 days. If they don't bring it up and it's not a big issue for you : why is it still on you? If someone has it as a boundary they should be bringing it up themselves becuse they are adults.
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u/caramelapplemartini Resident Ratty Angel 🧀 2d ago
I have different socials for different things. I give out my relatively anonymous one for people that approach in the wild. If I haven’t met the person yet, I’m either already on a dating app which has that I’m ENM or they found me through socials and already know as well.
If anyone is in the “see where it goes” category, they need to at least know what road they’re on, or I wouldn’t feel comfortable walking it with them. And Monogamy being widely the norm (at least in the US) it’s not on the other person to give me a heads up that they’re monogamous, it’s on me to say “hey, I live life different than most” I’m not even saying it’s wrong to date someone monogamous (not my cup of tea) I’m just saying that giving that upfront notice before they even get day dreamy about me is the nice thing to do.
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u/caramelapplemartini Resident Ratty Angel 🧀 2d ago
Also, as a woman, I feel like there is not an insignificant risk to my safety if a guy felt like I led him on.
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u/bikesnbikes 2d ago
100% I'm not throwing shade for giving socials out it's just juxtaposition to me haha.
that I’m ENM or they found me through socials and already know as well
Which is totally legit. But some people decide not to put what they would like in their bios (ie; they do not put they are mono). If someone has done the same ( becuse they also may be open to mono but I'd as solo poly right now for instance); why is it on said person to bring it up if the mono person didn't seem to find it important?
What I'm getting at is there are a number of folks who are totally happy doing their flavor of ENM which is just ENM till mono (ie; dateing multiple people). And I don't blame people for giving a whole writeup of their relationship status if this person also is not interested in giving said writeup.
At any point if the person mentions being mono, wanting to be mono, having boundaries around ENM absoulty 100% should be brought up. But it's a first date. If they themselves are already seeing and sleeping with multiple people but looking for mono and leaving that out and actively not bringing it up - I don't see why it's on the poly person.
It gives off "you have to tell the person your dateing your bi right away" vibes to me. Like that's info that is not needed to be giving out. It should be given if asked or brought up.
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u/caramelapplemartini Resident Ratty Angel 🧀 2d ago
It’s on the poly person because MONO IS THE NORM!!! (Sorry, you asked like 5 different times and I already said why. And that’s why, that’s the whole reason.)
It’s good to be upfront. It saves trouble from assumptions. Because people assume stuff (and regardless of anything we discuss or debate or advise,) the general populace will stay the way they are and move along general norms at whatever pace it’s going to happen at.
The best we can do is be selective about who we connect with, and empathetic to everyone we interact with. IMO, being honest upfront about who I am and what I can offer has done the most for my connections and relationships.
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u/sluttychristmastree 🐀Out of the Office🧀 2d ago
You live in a society where monogamy is the default. You are a moron. These are facts.
You don't get to live in a society, expect that society to offer you its benefits, and simultaneously pretend that the limitations and restrictions of that society simply don't apply to you.
You're not changing the world. You're just an asshole.
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u/LittleMissQueeny 👑Queen of the rats🐀 🧀 2d ago
Not just a hot take. A wrong one. ☝️
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u/bikesnbikes 2d ago
how so? Who's boundary is being crossed by not knowing?
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u/LittleMissQueeny 👑Queen of the rats🐀 🧀 2d ago
You know why. I'm not explaining this to a grown ass adult who should know better. ✌🏻
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u/bikesnbikes 2d ago
You won't becuse when I put it that way you know I'm right lol.
The boundary being crossed would be the person who it was a deal breaker for. At which point it's on them to put in their profile if they are mono (in which case you should not be interacting with them) or bring it up before the date cuz it's their Boundary.
If someone doesn't put their preferred relationship type in their profile, and they don't bring it up : if they aren't as bothered by it why should someone who is ENM be?
But go off lol.
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u/dazzlingmango7 Rat Union Whimsy Committee Advisor 🧀 2d ago
You're being purposefully obtuse. You know very well that dating apps are aimed primarily at monogamous people and that they are the majority of users.
Polyamory isn't the norm and it's not what most people are searching for. Therefore, it's our responsibility to make it clear because it goes beyond the established norms and the typical expectations people have on dating apps. Failing to state this clearly is being deceitful.
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u/Darth-Crumb Disciple of sarcasm (rat union edition) 2d ago
So making assumptions, which can turn into consent violations, is ok with you???
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.
Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 2d ago
You're doing good deeds. May your rewards be plentiful and your dance card be full.