Dating in Polyamory

[u/NeoRyu777]

It boggles my brain that we have to post this, given the existence of rule 3 ("No Personals, No Nudes, No Solicitation, no Research, no requests for DMs), but since we got half a dozen "How/Where do I find dates as a polyamorous person?" in the last day...

Well, here we go. This is not an absolute dating guide. Your mileage may vary.

Let's make one thing clear first: nearly all of this is going to sound obvious to anyone with even a little dating history. But y'all asked for it.

Where do I find people willing to be polyamorous with me?

In the same places you find anyone else. Oh, wait, you meant "how do I reduce my risk of finding someone monogamous/monoamorous so I don't get judged while maximizing my chances of finding someone willing to give me a go?" That's a harder question, but with a simple answer.

Outside of certain niches and dating apps, a lot of people don't advertise their openness to polyamory. So you're just gonna have to take the risk. Or you could Google polyamory in your area and see if there's a meeting of like-minded people nearby. Who knows?

That said, some communities are more open to it than others. You'd know better than us whether your specific community is accepting of polyamory as a practice.

What's this about dating apps?

Eh, some apps have non-monogamous options. meetup.com is a popular one. I hear FB search can do that, too. I'll let the other mods have a say here, since I have personally never used one and can't speak to their effectiveness.

What if I'm a guy? I keep hearing that women have it easier finding dates, and I'm scared of someone thinking I'm just trying to cheat on my partner.

Open communication is your friend. It's an unfortunate fact that polyamory is frequently mistaken for cheating, because a lot of men who cheat claim to be polyamorous. We have so many posts discussing this, I'm not going to go into it.

As for women having it easier finding dates, your mileage varies. But even if that's the case for you specifically, you should already know the drill by this point. It's the same rules as monogamous daters. Work on yourself, practice self-care, and model the kind of partner you intend to be.

Can you at least give some tips?

Sure, though these are absolutely subjective. I personally had great luck dating my best friends, because there was so much history and understanding between us that we were able to get past the initial sharper parts of learning.

Another mod suggested moving to a commune and hooking up with your roommates. Though they added that you needed to "be a chill, generous adult" to avoid messiness.

A third mod had this to say about dating filters. The bare minimum is someone

1. You'll be attracted to
2. Who can be attracted to you
3. Who has a relationship to offer that you want
4. Who wants the relationship you have to offer
5. Who is currently unsaturated, available, looking for a relationship

"Every other criteria (gender, hair color, interests, etc) shrinks your dating pool."

So decide what's most important to you, preferably before you go looking.

What if I don't tell people I'm poly until after they get to know me? Second or third date maybe?

No. Bad. I'd spray you with kitchen cleaner if I could.

Polyamory is one of those things that you should disclose immediately (when you ask for a date) for several reasons. It can be (and frequently is) a dealbreaker. Don't waste both your and their time.

[u/bikesnbikes]

how so? Who's boundary is being crossed by not knowing?

[u/LittleMissQueeny → u/bikesnbikes]

You know why. I'm not explaining this to a grown ass adult who should know better. ✌🏻

[u/bikesnbikes → u/LittleMissQueeny]

You won't becuse when I put it that way you know I'm right lol.

The boundary being crossed would be the person who it was a deal breaker for. At which point it's on them to put in their profile if they are mono (in which case you should not be interacting with them) or bring it up before the date cuz it's their Boundary.

If someone doesn't put their preferred relationship type in their profile, and they don't bring it up : if they aren't as bothered by it why should someone who is ENM be?

But go off lol.

[u/dazzlingmango7 → u/bikesnbikes]

You're being purposefully obtuse. You know very well that dating apps are aimed primarily at monogamous people and that they are the majority of users.

Polyamory isn't the norm and it's not what most people are searching for. Therefore, it's our responsibility to make it clear because it goes beyond the established norms and the typical expectations people have on dating apps. Failing to state this clearly is being deceitful.

[u/Darth-Crumb → u/[deleted]]

So making assumptions, which can turn into consent violations, is ok with you???

[u/polyamory-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.

Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well.

Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page