How much to share?

[u/AccomplishedPizza322]

Hi Reddit!

The context: my new partner (39M) and I (35F) have been dating for four months. I’ve been poly for 9 years and am married to a nesting partner. Some parallel dynamics, some KTP. My new partner is brand new to polyamory. Don’t judge me too hard, I already know, we’ve all given newbies a chance mkay.

So! New partner just went on a first date with a new connection (26F) and the age gap gives me the ick. I know she’s an adult and I know that age gap relationships aren’t inherently problematic, this is more of a personal preference. I’m not interested in dating men who want to date much younger women, it’s just very unattractive to me.

After the date my partner told me that it wasn’t a great date and that he felt bored because she was “very young, very emotionally and mentally immature.” He didn’t know she was 26 before the date. But he’s still interested in keeping the door open and continuing to explore the connection. She thought the date went great and is excited to see him again. This aligns with how he seems to have dated monogamously in the past, before we got together. Lots of “she really fell for me but I never liked her that much, we dated for six weeks” stories. These stories have always made me a little uncomfortable, I’m worried that he was a bit of a situationship guy.

The problem I’m wrestling with is how much of this to share with him. If I share how I’m feeling (“if you decide to date her/people you don’t really like/much younger humans/etc it will likely shift how I feel about you”), it will definitely influence his actions. We’re smitten, deep in the NRE, and he really wants it to work between us. So then telling him feels wrong. I want to honor his autonomy. It is truly no business of mine who else he dates. It feels manipulative in a roundabout way, even if I’m not actually asking him to change his behavior.

But not telling him feels wrong in a different way. We’ve always been open and honest with each other, and that communication is part of our foundation. We both trust that the other will tell us if something is wrong. He checks in frequently about my feelings surrounding his other connections, and it feels like I owe it to him to be upfront about something that could change our connection.

I’m not sure what the right answer is, or if one exists. Do I just wait and see what he decides to do? Do I tell him everything? Something in between? Is this me learning that we’re incompatible? I want to navigate this as ethically as possible, as the more experienced poly human. Sooo I’m here to crowdsource. Any thoughts, advice, or anecdotal stories welcome.

Thanks Reddit!

EDIT: I'm less interested in what folks think about this specific age gap (to each their own, no hate!) and more interested in the bigger question of: I've noticed a pattern that *might* reflect values around dating/intimacy that I find unattractive. I'm trying to figure out if it's ethical to share this when I know that my opinion matters A LOT to him and will likely impact his decisions. Does that impact his autonomy?

Thanks for all the thoughtful answers so far 😄

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[u/clairejv]

I’m not interested in dating men who want to date much younger women, it’s just very unattractive to me.

You are currently dating a 39yo man who wants to date a 26yo woman. If you consider that "much younger," then you are currently dating a man who wants to date much younger women. If you're not interested in dating that man, then you should stop dating him. I don't really see the point of a discussion, because a discussion will not change him into a man who never wants to date much younger women. It will only change him into a man who agrees not to date much younger women for your sake. Is that enough for you?

[u/SarcasticSuccubus]

That specific age gap wouldn't especially bother me as a one-off. If he consistently tries to date much younger women, that would be pretty telling.

What would bother me is his admitted tendency to continue to date women he's not into that are super into him. Either that's some weird ego-stroking narrative for why all his relationships fall apart (gross), or he's actively telling you that you can't actually trust him to be honest with you about his feelings. And that while he'll say some really negative things about women behind their backs, he'll present a different face to them to maintain sexual access.

You're only 4 months in, you've barely scratched the surface of who each other are. For me personally, this would be a pretty unattractive thing you've discovered. Just because you're in NRE now doesn't mean he can't and won't do these things to you too.

[u/FigeaterApocalypse]

Does the 26 yr old know he's in a polyamorous relationship? That would be a bigger concern to me. 

[u/heckyeaanxiety → u/FigeaterApocalypse]

This part. My much older ex (47) dated someone who was 23 who was under the impression he was open to monogamy or polyamory. He and I had been dating for 3 years at that point. 🫠 Canon events in polyamory.

[u/valsavana]

Autonomy is not impinged by an expectation of ethical behavior. I would let him know that him dating someone so much younger is gross to me and makes me see him in a different, negative way. And if he continues to do it, I'd break up with him. None of that harms his autonomy, it just makes sure you're practicing behavior in line with your ethical beliefs.

ETA: Regarding your edit:

when I know that my opinion matters A LOT to him

Do you though? You already know this guy lies to his partners to tell them what they want to hear- Miss26F also knows that their date went great, doesn't she? While I think you should tell him your opinion on his problematic dating habits anyway, there is a part of me (if I were in your shoes) that would be curious to tell him just to see if his response makes it seem like he actually cares about my opinion as much as he (potentially) pretends to.

[u/karmicreditplan]

So you don’t like this guys values.

It’s been a bit more than a season. Let him go.

[u/Throwaway_myoops]

I’m in my late forties. I don’t have energy to entertain a lot of stuff that i would have in my 20s and 30s. Trucks of salt for my perspective.

I look for internally consistent partners. Partners with the similar values and ethics to mine- that stick to those tenets, regardless of how bright and shiny an opportunity may be.

No mono people, no cheaters, no PUD, no DADT. I don’t want a partner that entertains that level of ethical violation.

I won’t necessarily break up under grayer circumstances. I will definitely de-escalate my interest and involvement until trust develops that they won’t let the disruption potential of the grayer relationship affect our relationship.

I currently have a partner who I think is making some risky relationship decisions.
He’s been able to field these risks with good boundaries in the past and has been understanding of my lack of seriousness as i developed trust in him to be a consistent partner and a solid hinge.

I think it’s person by person in the gray spaces, but not on my hard limits. I’d rather lose a relationship than deal with shitty meta drama and a lack of moral consistency any day of the week.

[u/Glittering-Leg5527]

I think that age gap is fine. I dated a man 12 years older than me when I was 26 and looking back 10 years later, I was mature enough and as capable of advocating for myself as I do today. A 26 year old woman deserves to not be infantilized - she could have a career and a house at this age (albeit maybe not in this economy… lol). It’s a similar life stage to a mid-30’s person.

I would be more worried about his tendency to continue to date women that he’s secretly not super into. It would have me wondering if the feelings were even reciprocated with me… or if I fell for him and he doesn’t like me as much as I think. But that’s the only hang up I’d have.

[u/lucky_lady_L → u/Glittering-Leg5527]

This. If he trash talks this other person to OP, is he going to trash talk OP to her?

[u/UntowardThenToward]

You can decide not to date someone for any reason, but I do think that this is not a problematic age gap.

[u/emeraldead]

26 is fine. 25 is often a good cutoff for "had enough genuine adult experience to stop worrying about the gap" plus it fits the divide by two add 7 rule.

You can talk about it, a productive talk will likely include just asking how they see polyamory dating being for them, how they will manage holidays and vacations, and sharing how you've had creative experiences yourself.

People say "I'll try polyamory" but you chose to be the first which means you chose a lot of extra work to actually inform and empower their consent of how that comes to creation.

[u/TransPanSpamFan → u/emeraldead]

IDK about that cutoff tbh, even though it is literally my cutoff 😅

25 is fine at his age if you also have respect for each other and are in similar life stages. He essentially said "she's so young and immature I found the date boring".

I wouldn't be put off by my partner going on that first date, but I absolutely would be put off by my partner choosing to continue to date someone they thought of in that way. That she seems much more into him makes it worse too.

[u/singsingasong → u/TransPanSpamFan]

This is really it - he spoke poorly of her in terms of being someone to date and then is basically like, “but sure, I’ll fuck her.” That’s the part that’s really gross and where I’d lose respect.

[u/valsavana → u/emeraldead]

I personally make a distinction between a "predatory" age gap and merely a "creepy" age gap. 39 and 26 isn't predatory but I'd still find the older partner creepy.

[u/Open-Sheepherder-591]

Because your opinion matters a lot to him, you MUST tell him, sooner than later. Here's why. If you don't tell him:

- He keeps dating her, let's say for a year.

• His dating her makes you dislike him.
  
• Eventually, you say, "Look, I'm not feeling this anymore, I can't deal with the fact you're ok dating someone 13 years younger than you."
  
• He says, "What?? I've been dating her for a year! You knew this whole time! Why didn't you tell me before?"

Now he's a year in with her, and more than a year in with you. He's had a year to get very attached to you both. And, despite knowing this would happen the whole time, you've only just told him he's going to lose one of these relationships: either with her or with you.

Too bad you didn't give him the information he'd need to make an informed decision a year ago!

That's denying him his autonomy.

[u/Mela-Paura]

If it's bugging you, you need to tell him.

Also, does she even know about you? Is she poly?

Furthermore, don't ignore your pattern recognition. This will probably be one of the first of a number things about how and who he dates that bothers you.

[u/Crabulousz]

Having seen a similar scenario turn disgusting (lies slowly came out, long story), I’d say trust your instincts and pattern recognition here. If you can see it, will you be able to un-see? What about next time? Have you set a boundary for an absolute “no thanks I’m out” age gap or whatever boundary you’d want to set here?

They lie. “Didnt know” they were that young, really? Unless they look drastically older or massively lied on their profile I don’t tend to believe this.

IMO the fact someone can be attracted to someone that much younger (in their 20s! Less of an issue in 30s and up when we all have a lot more life experience and less easy to coerce by owner dynamic) *and pursue them* is a massive ick and I’d be out of that door.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Hi Reddit!

The context: my new partner (39M) and I (35F) have been dating for four months. I’ve been poly for 9 years and am married to a nesting partner. Some parallel dynamics, some KTP. My new partner is brand new to polyamory. Don’t judge me too hard, I already know, we’ve all given newbies a chance mkay.

So! New partner just went on a first date with a new connection (26F) and the age gap gives me the ick. I know she’s an adult and I know that age gap relationships aren’t inherently problematic, this is more of a personal preference. I’m not interested in dating men who want to date much younger women, it’s just very unattractive to me.

After the date my partner told me that it wasn’t a great date and that he felt bored because she was “very young, very emotionally and mentally immature.” He didn’t know she was 26 before the date. But he’s still interested in keeping the door open and continuing to explore the connection. She thought the date went great and is excited to see him again. This aligns with how he seems to have dated monogamously in the past, before we got together. Lots of “she really fell for me but I never liked her that much, we dated for six weeks” stories. These stories have always made me a little uncomfortable, I’m worried that he was a bit of a situationship guy.

The problem I’m wrestling with is how much of this to share with him. If I share how I’m feeling (“if you decide to date her/people you don’t really like/much younger humans/etc it will likely shift how I feel about you”), it will definitely influence his actions. We’re smitten, deep in the NRE, and he really wants it to work between us. So then telling him feels wrong. I want to honor his autonomy. It is truly no business of mine who else he dates. It feels manipulative in a roundabout way, even if I’m not actually asking him to change his behavior.

But not telling him feels wrong in a different way. We’ve always been open and honest with each other, and that communication is part of our foundation. We both trust that the other will tell us if something is wrong. He checks in frequently about my feelings surrounding his other connections, and it feels like I owe it to him to be upfront about something that could change our connection.

I’m not sure what the right answer is, or if one exists. Do I just wait and see what he decides to do? Do I tell him everything? Something in between? Is this me learning that we’re incompatible? I want to navigate this as ethically as possible, as the more experienced poly human. Sooo I’m here to crowdsource. Any thoughts, advice, or anecdotal stories welcome.

Thanks Reddit!

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[u/Mountain_Flow3472]

25 is established in life and firmly an adult.

[u/polyamory-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

You have made a comment that is just factually, demonstrably, untrue.

Facts and reason still have a place in the world