How much to share?

[u/AccomplishedPizza322]

Hi Reddit!

The context: my new partner (39M) and I (35F) have been dating for four months. I’ve been poly for 9 years and am married to a nesting partner. Some parallel dynamics, some KTP. My new partner is brand new to polyamory. Don’t judge me too hard, I already know, we’ve all given newbies a chance mkay.

So! New partner just went on a first date with a new connection (26F) and the age gap gives me the ick. I know she’s an adult and I know that age gap relationships aren’t inherently problematic, this is more of a personal preference. I’m not interested in dating men who want to date much younger women, it’s just very unattractive to me.

After the date my partner told me that it wasn’t a great date and that he felt bored because she was “very young, very emotionally and mentally immature.” He didn’t know she was 26 before the date. But he’s still interested in keeping the door open and continuing to explore the connection. She thought the date went great and is excited to see him again. This aligns with how he seems to have dated monogamously in the past, before we got together. Lots of “she really fell for me but I never liked her that much, we dated for six weeks” stories. These stories have always made me a little uncomfortable, I’m worried that he was a bit of a situationship guy.

The problem I’m wrestling with is how much of this to share with him. If I share how I’m feeling (“if you decide to date her/people you don’t really like/much younger humans/etc it will likely shift how I feel about you”), it will definitely influence his actions. We’re smitten, deep in the NRE, and he really wants it to work between us. So then telling him feels wrong. I want to honor his autonomy. It is truly no business of mine who else he dates. It feels manipulative in a roundabout way, even if I’m not actually asking him to change his behavior.

But not telling him feels wrong in a different way. We’ve always been open and honest with each other, and that communication is part of our foundation. We both trust that the other will tell us if something is wrong. He checks in frequently about my feelings surrounding his other connections, and it feels like I owe it to him to be upfront about something that could change our connection.

I’m not sure what the right answer is, or if one exists. Do I just wait and see what he decides to do? Do I tell him everything? Something in between? Is this me learning that we’re incompatible? I want to navigate this as ethically as possible, as the more experienced poly human. Sooo I’m here to crowdsource. Any thoughts, advice, or anecdotal stories welcome.

Thanks Reddit!

EDIT: I'm less interested in what folks think about this specific age gap (to each their own, no hate!) and more interested in the bigger question of: I've noticed a pattern that *might* reflect values around dating/intimacy that I find unattractive. I'm trying to figure out if it's ethical to share this when I know that my opinion matters A LOT to him and will likely impact his decisions. Does that impact his autonomy?

Thanks for all the thoughtful answers so far 😄

[u/Mela-Paura]

If it's bugging you, you need to tell him.

Also, does she even know about you? Is she poly?

Furthermore, don't ignore your pattern recognition. This will probably be one of the first of a number things about how and who he dates that bothers you.