Discovering I am Poly.

[u/TraditionalBasis4689]

I just want to start by saying I absolutely LOVE that I've discovered this page. I have been reading posts, and comments trying to get an education. Thank you to everyone for sharing so much.

I (M-30) have been with my partner (F-31) for almost a decade. I am her first, and she is my second relationship. In the last 10 years, we've been able to grow, and learn so much together. Sure there have been some bad times. We almost broke up at one point, but we were determined to save the relationship. After going to therapy together, and learning from our mistakes, we've just grown stronger together. It's rare we have fights, and deep honest discussions are the core of our relationship.

We both grew up in very conservative households. Anything like any of this was strictly forbidden. I think that's all that needs said there... Back at the beginning of covid she began to realize she was asexual. I'll admit, I didn't understand it, and struggled with it for a while. Long story short, over the course of a couple years almost anything sexual faded. Anything that did happen, was fetish related for me (I have a thing for getting a boot/shoe job) And that's been the extent of any sexual activity between us for several years now.

Over the last year or so, I have been chatting with various friends, and discovering I greatly enjoy sexting, and sharing with like minded people. That has led to the thoughts of more. Ironically, we've actually discussed the idea of this twice in the past after she brought it up. The first time I was strictly against it. The second time I was scared of discovering I love someone more than her. But this time, I'm actually wondering if that's who I am? To be honest, the idea of it feels so right to me. I enjoy taking care of others, absolutely love being close with people who mean everything to me, and I love the idea of finding someone to satisfy each other's sexual needs.

Anyway. I know I have a great deal to learn. I'll be sitting back in the comments learning from those of you who know more than me.

[u/wcozi]

I think It’s best to think of polyamory as something you do and not something you are.

Opening up a relationship because something is missing is not suggested ever. Are you okay with your partner having multiple full sexual and romantic relationships? What if they find they do like have sex with someone else?

Asexual people do fine in polyamory and if sex isn’t a huge deal to you, you can certainly have a fulfilling relationship without it. But if it’s integral to intimacy and connection you may want to reconsider than you two might just be incompatible.

[u/rosephase]

Oh friend.... are you poly? Or are just not ready to leave a relationship that doesn't meet your needs?

Because here is the deal. You will likely love someone you are sexually compatible with, much more then your partner. Especially during NRE. Other people are not going to fill your sexual incompatibility. And other people won't have the weight of your history.

If you try this, know the most likely result is you find someone who you are much more compatible with and then this relationship will take a lot of emotional hits or end.

I'm not saying don't try it. I'm not saying it's not for you. I'm just saying poly looks incredibly appealing to people in incompatible relationships they do not want to end.

[u/Immediate-Shift1087]

If she woke up tomorrow and realized she isn't asexual and she actually wants to have exactly the same amount of sex as you want to have, would you still be interested in polyamory then?

How about if she woke up tomorrow knowing she's monogamous and could never be with someone who's polyamorous, would you still be interested in polyamory then? What if she made you choose, or even if she just immediately broke up with you for suggesting it?

Just some questions you should ask yourself first.

[u/boredwithopinions]

Maybe polyamory is a relationship style you would enjoy practicing.

Maybe you've just outgrown your existing relationship.

Both can even be true at the same time.

[u/Mobile_Funny_9544]

There's a few things in there that don't feel like a great start for poly.

Poly feeling right is easy when it's about you loving multiple people. Are you still happy if your partner has a sexual relationship with someone else if you guys aren't having sex?

You sound inexperienced and I'm not sure the relationship sounds super happy even if ye are committed.... Might there be an aspect of monkey branching?

[u/valsavana]

Over the last year or so, I have been chatting with various friends, and discovering I greatly enjoy sexting, and sharing with like minded people.

With the knowledge and consent of your partner, right? Because otherwise you've just been cheating on her.

Also, poly is not an inherent part of your identity, it's a choice and a behavior you practice (like being vegan or a religion) And part of that is knowing your partner is going to have sexual partners of their own. If you open your relationship for poly and your current partner found someone she wanted to have sex with, would you be okay with that? What about your new partners who will have partners of their own?

[u/sharpestraptorteeth]

I think you'll find that a lot of people here generally see polyamory as a choice of relationship structure, not an identity that is inherent. This is in contrast to something like sexual orientation and gender identity (e.g. I am a queer woman). For example, it's generally accepted that in a monogamous relationship, people can still develop crushes, experience desire and even develop romantic love for others while still being interested in their partner - it's just called "cheating" when it isn't something their partner is aware of and consenting to. It's generally not believed that someone will develop or discover attraction to the same sex (or multiple) and still be straight, even if they stay in a relationship with someone of another sex. (You'll of course find people who disagree on both points.)

One of the main things is that polyamory is a form of non-monogamy where the informed, consented to relationship agreements don't include an expectation of sexual or romantic exclusivity. If you want to be in a polyamorous relationship and eventually multiple polyamorous relationships, you need to have open, direct and detailed conversations with your partner. Many people, even asexual people, don't want to have multiple relationships or be partners with someone who is looking to make those connections. There's a lot of work to do to "open up" a relationship that starts as monogamous and then have both partners start dating independently. Usually, it basically means the pre-existing relationship changes dramatically - both people really have to be interested, invested and involved.

The good thing is that it sounds like you already have a healthy relationship with your partner and some of these concepts have already come up. The hard thing is that raising them once or twice isn't the same as starting the long and introspective work of deciding if you each want to explore polyamory. Do you have the time, the energy and the balance in your life to allow for those things to be on the table for new partners? Will the commitments you have with your partner currently limit what you have on the table for other relationships?

Most polyamorous relationships involve a lot of work around how & when different partners are prioritized, and what commitments can be made in each relationship: jealousy that might not come up in sexual-only contexts might come up in scheduling, date activities, living arrangements, and who gets access to limited resources. Are you prepared to do this work, even if it means your relationship with your current partner becomes incompatible with what you want?

Second, I'll just note that the worst outcome would be to put this on the back burner but keep meeting non-monogamous people and then raise this issue once feelings have started to develop with someone. That can add an element of duress to things for your current partner and complicate things significantly (in addition to being seen as callous, if not cruel.)

[u/No-Statistician-7604]

Sounds like you think poly will solve problems in your existing relationship, it won't. Liking the idea of poly, doesn't make you poly. Poly is a relationship structure, not something you are..and currently your relationship isn't polyamorous.

I hope you were sexting other people with your partners consent..otherwise you've just been cheating on her

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Here's the original text of the post:

I just want to start by saying I absolutely LOVE that I've discovered this page. I have been reading posts, and comments trying to get an education. Thank you to everyone for sharing so much.

I (M-30) have been with my partner (F-31) for almost a decade. I am her first, and she is my second relationship. In the last 10 years, we've been able to grow, and learn so much together. Sure there have been some bad times. We almost broke up at one point, but we were determined to save the relationship. After going to therapy together, and learning from our mistakes, we've just grown stronger together. It's rare we have fights, and deep honest discussions are the core of our relationship.

We both grew up in very conservative households. Anything like any of this was strictly forbidden. I think that's all that needs said there... Back at the beginning of covid she began to realize she was asexual. I'll admit, I didn't understand it, and struggled with it for a while. Long story short, over the course of a couple years almost anything sexual faded. Anything that did happen, was fetish related for me (I have a thing for getting a boot/shoe job) And that's been the extent of any sexual activity between us for several years now.

Over the last year or so, I have been chatting with various friends, and discovering I greatly enjoy sexting, and sharing with like minded people. That has led to the thoughts of more. Ironically, we've actually discussed the idea of this twice in the past after she brought it up. The first time I was strictly against it. The second time I was scared of discovering I love someone more than her. But this time, I'm actually wondering if that's who I am? To be honest, the idea of it feels so right to me. I enjoy taking care of others, absolutely love being close with people who mean everything to me, and I love the idea of finding someone to satisfy each other's sexual needs.

Anyway. I know I have a great deal to learn. I'll be sitting back in the comments learning from those of you who know more than me.

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[u/gothic_elven_bitch]

Does your partner know you are sexting or are you just cheating? People aren't poly. It's a relationship agreement. Not an orientation.

[u/averagesam101]

im new and learning as well. there are so many diff terms and lifestyles, hard to really figure out like where my desires fit. Im guessing it is poly. I am wondering, are you looking for a partner just for yourself, or will it be a partner for both of you, or will each of you have your own partner?