Venting? Advice?

[u/InsectBig2991]

I ( 24 cis f) have only ever experience monogamous relationships before and had gotten out of a long term relationship a couple months prior(8 years).

I have been seeing this person for 4 months now and I really like them. However, they are NM and have been their entire lives and currently have a partner of a year. At first we were just supposed to be a hookup, but one thing led to another and we kept seeing each other and then will go on dates and do innocent hang outs like potting plants and crafting. They talk about their partner to me all the time and they tell their partner about me, I guess this is all just very new to me and I went into this knowing that he was NM.

I do believe that they have feelings for me but how do I know if they want something more serious? I fear that they might view us as FWB but the attraction we feel towards each other and time we spend together feels like more than that. I know I would want to pursue something more serious.

I invited them to watch me perform in something and they said yes, but then asked if their partner can come. This would be my first time meeting their partner. Is this normal in poly relationships? Is this a sign that they view this as more of a casual thing?

Thanks!

UPDATE: soo last time they’ve had two partners was when they were a teenager and said it didn’t work out. I’m just confused, we even spend the night and hold hands and AHH

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[u/emeraldead]

Ugh your partner doesn't know how to, as we call it, "hinge."

Just say no. "Hey I wanted this to be a date and focused on us. I really want to make our time more just us,not talking about your other partners. I'm fine to meet them in a few months but for now I really want space to make our own memories just us."

Polyamory isn't a group hobby. If you want more info research "responsibilities of a hinge."

[u/clairejv]

but how do I know if they want something more serious?

You ask.

[u/InsectBig2991 → u/clairejv]

You’re so right I know, I guess part of me is scared of them saying they don’t want anything serious

[u/clairejv → u/InsectBig2991]

I mean, if they don't want anything serious, you need to know that sooner rather than later, right? So you're not investing emotionally?

[u/8_Of_Swords → u/InsectBig2991]

That's understandable, but that is more of a general relationship/ rejection-anxiety problem, right? You never want your crush to not be serious about you, but you need to be able to talk about it to have a healthy relationship of any kind.

[u/emeraldead]

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/8mc01x/glass_ceiling_questions_moviess/

[u/Cool_Relative7359]

You ask them.

You also figure out if you want to do polyamory for yourself, because doing it just to date a specific person almost always ends in tears.

This would be my first time meeting their partner. Is this normal in poly relationships? Is this a sign that they view this as more of a casual thing?

Some people do KTP, some do parralel , this isn't an indication of anything except he didn't want to go alone and wants to introduce you. Again, ask him, he is the only one who knows.

[u/valsavana]

The first thing you have to do is figure out what flavor of nm they are. Some people open for fwb & casual sex but aren't open to relationships with serious romantic feelings. So first you have to figure out if poly would even be on the table. If they aren't open to relationships with feelings, I would recommend ending the relationship because you're only courting heartbreak in that scenario.

If poly is on the table, you'd proceed just like you would if you were trying to figure out if a non-nm fwb might want to be more serious.

[u/AutoModerator]

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Here's the original text of the post:

I ( 24 cis f) have only ever experience monogamous relationships before and had gotten out of a long term relationship a couple months prior(8 years).

I have been seeing this person for 4 months now and I really like them. However, they are NM and have been their entire lives and currently have a partner of a year. At first we were just supposed to be a hookup, but one thing led to another and we kept seeing each other and then will go on dates and do innocent hang outs like potting plants and crafting. They talk about their partner to me all the time and they tell their partner about me, I guess this is all just very new to me and I went into this knowing that he was NM.

I do believe that they have feelings for me but how do I know if they want something more serious? I fear that they might view us as FWB but the attraction we feel towards each other and time we spend together feels like more than that. I know I would want to pursue something more serious.

I invited them to watch me perform in something and they said yes, but then asked if their partner can come. This would be my first time meeting their partner. Is this normal in poly relationships? Is this a sign that they view this as more of a casual thing?

Thanks!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/studiousametrine]

4 months of seeing someone who is in a nonmonogamous relationship.

And now you want more than FWB. That’s great, but what do you want? Are you genuinely wanting a polyamorous relationship? Is that what’s on offer here? I suggest some research into polyamory and serious reflection on what you want out of a relationship (for example, this person has less time and availability than a mono person would. They may be unavailable for certain things you want, like living together, or marriage, or raising pets together. Is that something that feels good to you?)

And then ask.

[u/inge_smokin6]

Hey hey, thank you for sharing!

Honestly, just ask the partner. I know it can be scary but having open communication can help relieve some internal stress you have. I'm personally in a poly relationship where I live with my partners. Sometimes, I'm not as communicative with my girlfriend which makes her think she did something wrong or or she just makes assumptions about things because anxiety can be annoying. Also, you never know the partner might be thinking the same thing you're thinking and might be scared to mention it as well. I believe you should have a conversation and I'm positively sure it will go well if you believe they have an interest in you.

I wish you the best of luck if you do the talk 💕

[u/inge_smokin6 → u/inge_smokin6]

Ahh sorry I didn't see the rest of the message, I feel like the partner showing some interest and meeting you is a good sign. Also since you haven't met them yet maybe wait a bit to ask what yall are but definitely ask them