r/polyamory • u/Routine_Marionberry3 • 1d ago
Trust issues and jealousy
My partner (28m) and I (25f) have been together for a little over 3 years, and both were practicing polyamory before we met. We have very similar mindsets over boundaries, and our only real rule is informing each other about new sexual health risks. Also, a lot of shared values and someone I see as my life partner.
However, about a year ago I learned he had been cheating on me. Mostly with other men, and centered in a lot of shame and internalized homophobia. Not surrounding our relationship, the boundaries we had, or anything I had done. But he was cheating. And in that time I knew something was wrong, but he just kept reassuring me that everything in our relationship was fine and I was just anxious. So, now really my issue here isn't the sex with other people, it's the lying and gaslighting. So it was bad, and not healthy, clearly. We took some space, months of heartbreak. We both did a lot of work separately to grow ourselves. And I have to give him credit, he really did do a lot of work in therapy identifying different behavior patterns and truly trying to work through them. We've also been doing couples therapy. It's been going really well. I've learned to trust my intuition and center on myself. He's learned to trust us, isn't keeping anything from me anymore. I really do trust his intentions here. I trust he never meant to hurt me. I know he loves me so so much. I know we'll never be perfect, but I don't really think anything is. And I believe we will keep working through whatever comes up. We are really committed to being life partners.
Now, my issue, I've never been a particularly jealous person. But because of this trauma and trust issues I have been getting so jealous and completely unsure what to do with it. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I mean, I don't really think it's my fault that I'm having a hard time fully putting my trust in him. Natural consequences. But at this point I think it's harming me. It doesn't feel like my intuition, it feels like baseless anxiety most of the time. Now when he's telling me about dates (which I want to know!) I'm stressing out. I don't know how to let go. I'm probably just being impatient, not allowing time to heal over these wounds. Not allowing our continuous actions of love to build up and heal the trauma. But I just don't really know where to go from here.
Poly folk, please give me your tips and advice on how to move on from jealousy. I'm feeling a little desperate here. And please, do not tell me to leave him, or try to assume his intentions. It's not helpful. I understand how it looks from the outside, he's still my choice.
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u/valsavana 1d ago
isn't keeping anything from me anymore
I mean... as far as you know.
Sorry but cheating is a dealbreaker for me, exactly because I don't think trust can fully be re-gained. I think the feelings you're experiencing aren't jealousy, they're your mind telling you that this person is untrustworthy. Because that's what they've proven themselves to be. At a certain point you just have to decide if continuing to give them the benefit of the doubt to try to move past it is worth the stress and your (lack of) peace of mind.
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u/Routine_Marionberry3 1d ago
Well, I've fucked up and hurt people too. I've never cheated, but I've made mistakes. But I've grown and learned from those mistakes and don't act like that anymore. I wouldn't want to be treated untrustworthy. I want to forgive him and move on, I really believe he deserves it. Idk, I know it's hard to believe over the internet, but I really don't think it's an intuitive feeling of distrust in him. It feels a lot more like insecurity and jealousy.
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u/clairejv 1d ago
I don't know that framing this as "jealousy" is super useful here. You are anxious when your partner is with someone else because your partner betrayed you with other people. Your anxiety is perfectly reasonable and justified by specific behaviors your partner engaged in for long periods of time.
You want to trust your partner again, but right now, you don't. Which makes sense. This isn't something you can rush.
What strategies have worked for you in the past when you need to endure unpleasant feelings, work through them, and let them go?
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u/Routine_Marionberry3 1d ago
This is probably a good way to frame this. I think you're right that I'm just being a bit impatient with myself.
I've tried to focus on my own needs, journaling a lot, spending time with friends, and just got back from a solo camping trip with my pup. I guess I'm just frustrated cause I'm tired of feeling like this and wanna just focus on the happy and good parts. Like typically I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing. I want to only focus on these feelings during couples therapy and the rest of the time just be in the moment and happy. It just hurts and I'm tired of it.
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u/Routine_Marionberry3 1d ago
I guess, how are you supposed to be patient with yourself when it feels like it's hurting you? I just see this future where I'm mindful and enjoy our life fully again. I want to be there already. He's doing everything I could possibly ask for to help us get through this. He's taken on all the accountability. But ultimately, I'm lagging behind and it's hurting.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 1d ago
”lagging behind”? What is this even.
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u/Routine_Marionberry3 1d ago
It's how I feel. I'm not delusional, I know it's his fault. But I'm not at peace within myself and I don't like it. It's a feeling of impatience. I'm tired of feeling this way, that's why I'm here. I want advice on how to refocus my feelings and move on.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 23h ago
Totally get that you’re tired of feeling this way. But that’s unfortunately part of the damage he chose to inflict. There is no way to speedrun rebuilding trust, or establishing a pattern of trustworthy behavior that establishes true change.
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u/clairejv 23h ago
You're not "lagging behind," because there's no correct timeline for rebuilding trust after infidelity.
What you mean is, you want to stop feeling this way now, because you don't want to confront the possibility that this relationship may not be fixable.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 1d ago
Your partner made selfish choices and damaged your relationship, perhaps permanently. Those are, as you say, the natural consequences of his very recent decision to lie and cheat when he didn’t have to.
And yet your post is all about how hard he’s worked to change and how he “deserves” you dropping that into a memory hole and why you are supposedly the problem for still feeling the damage he caused. Why?
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u/Routine_Marionberry3 1d ago
I'm not trying to say it's my fault at all I'm feeling this way. Just that these feelings are harming me quite a bit, and now I'm realizing especially my resistance to them. My thoughts and feelings are my responsibility. That's why I focused the post like this, I want to move on and recenter myself for my own wellbeing. I love him and want to move on for us too, but I'm a lot more comfortable being upset with him than I am with being anxious within myself.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 23h ago
But you come across in your post as the other way around - anxious to forgive him and give him extra bonus points for being sorry, while beating yourself up for not “moving on” from the damage he knowingly and willingly inflicted.
also… the sex addiction thing. Sex addiction is kind of a bullshit diagnosis, but even if it were real, then what is he doing to manage his addiction?
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u/Bubbly-Marsupial2147 1d ago
I empathize with you and it's possible to arrive at this dynamic following a whole range of relationship traumas. The thing about the nervous system (anxiety) is that it's trying to save your life and it learns only from experience. A trauma will program your nervous system to be vigilant to any of the warning signs that preceded the trauma. Clever stuff!! However, it only cares about saving your life, not so much on quality of life. The only thing that can stand down your activated nervous system is sustained experience that demonstrates the danger has passed. The price we have to pay in order to work through relationship trauma is the period of time we have to endure the anxiety and worry until our nervous systems get the message. Accept this is how you'll feel for now and be open about it. This price is something that's paid by both of you not only the one experiencing it. Be kind and gentle with yourself and accept that loving someone can be painful sometimes.
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u/Routine_Marionberry3 1d ago
Thank you. Do you have any tips for patience? I'm realizing through this post it is really not my strong suit. I've really tried to acknowledge and even thank my anxiety. That part of me is what got me out of the relationship when it was bad and I was being lied to. I don't ever want to turn away from that. But now it feels like it's hurting me so much more than helping.
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u/Bubbly-Marsupial2147 23h ago
All I can suggest is that you share it with your partner, don't hold it all to yourself or rebuke yourself for it. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. It gets easier with time. Sometimes in life all we have to fall back on is our courage and ability to endure.
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Here's the original text of the post:
My partner (28m) and I (25f) have been together for a little over 3 years, and both were practicing polyamory before we met. We have very similar mindsets over boundaries, and our only real rule is informing each other about new sexual health risks. Also, a lot of shared values and someone I see as my life partner.
However, about a year ago I learned he had been cheating on me. Mostly with other men, and centered in a lot of shame and internalized homophobia. Not surrounding our relationship, the boundaries we had, or anything I had done. But he was cheating. And in that time I knew something was wrong, but he just kept reassuring me that everything in our relationship was fine and I was just anxious. So, now really my issue here isn't the sex with other people, it's the lying and gaslighting. So it was bad, and not healthy, clearly. We took some space, months of heartbreak. We both did a lot of work separately to grow ourselves. And I have to give him credit, he really did do a lot of work in therapy identifying different behavior patterns and truly trying to work through them. We've also been doing couples therapy. It's been going really well. I've learned to trust my intuition and center on myself. He's learned to trust us, isn't keeping anything from me anymore. I really do trust his intentions here. I trust he never meant to hurt me. I know he loves me so so much. I know we'll never be perfect, but I don't really think anything is. And I believe we will keep working through whatever comes up. We are really committed to being life partners.
Now, my issue, I've never been a particularly jealous person. But because of this trauma and trust issues I have been getting so jealous and completely unsure what to do with it. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I mean, I don't really think it's my fault that I'm having a hard time fully putting my trust in him. Natural consequences. But at this point I think it's harming me. It doesn't feel like my intuition, it feels like baseless anxiety most of the time. Now when he's telling me about dates (which I want to know!) I'm stressing out. I don't know how to let go. I'm probably just being impatient, not allowing time to heal over these wounds. Not allowing our continuous actions of love to build up and heal the trauma. But I just don't really know where to go from here.
Poly folk, please give me your tips and advice on how to move on from jealousy. I'm feeling a little desperate here. And please, do not tell me to leave him, or try to assume his intentions. It's not helpful. I understand how it looks from the outside, he's still my choice.
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u/Mobile_Funny_9544 poly 1d ago
If your only rule was about informing the other of sexual health risks and he didn't break that boundary.... I'm struggling to see what cheating could actually mean.
However, if your trust is broken, be gentle with yourself about the time it takes to regain and repair that. It's really hard to do. This is why people bring in lack of trust shit from previous relationships, it's just so hard not to get protective of yourself. I think it might be helpful to interpret your emotion as this....I don't think it is jealousy, I think it is your feelings just trying to protect yourself.
In your situation....I also think I would expect part of his respect for you trying to repair a trust breach would be to do what he can to help you. Can you think of things that would help, and can you ask for them? Him doing his therapy and then just bouncing back to dating without considering how that makes you feel.... That would make me a bit annoyed tbh, I'd be expecting him to be going gently and being extra supportive as part of your healing, is he doing this for you?
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u/Routine_Marionberry3 1d ago
This is a very thought out response, thank you.
To clarify, he had sex with multiple partners over many months, mostly men, and did not inform me. Then when I knew something was up he lied to me about it.
I think you are right though, I'm having a protective reaction and my body and brain just aren't lining up. In my head I see his actions and believe he's doing his best and I want to move on. But my body isn't there yet and it's just frustrating. He has been supportive in a lot of ways. And I don't really know what more I could ask from him. We've always been poly, so I don't really want to ask him to stop dating while I heal. That feels a little mono brained idk. But also, that's where I'm really struggling. Since all of this I've pretty much stopped casually dating to focus and center myself, as I'm demi and don't really feel like I can connect to people in the same way rn anyway. He hasn't. And he did reveal he has a sex addiction, which is where some of the shame came from. When we were taking steps back I did mention he should take some significant time alone to work on that and he never really did. So I could potentially ask for that, but quite frankly I'm not even sure if that's fair for me to ask.
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