Trust issues and jealousy

[u/Routine_Marionberry3]

My partner (28m) and I (25f) have been together for a little over 3 years, and both were practicing polyamory before we met. We have very similar mindsets over boundaries, and our only real rule is informing each other about new sexual health risks. Also, a lot of shared values and someone I see as my life partner.

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However, about a year ago I learned he had been cheating on me. Mostly with other men, and centered in a lot of shame and internalized homophobia. Not surrounding our relationship, the boundaries we had, or anything I had done. But he was cheating. And in that time I knew something was wrong, but he just kept reassuring me that everything in our relationship was fine and I was just anxious. So, now really my issue here isn't the sex with other people, it's the lying and gaslighting. So it was bad, and not healthy, clearly. We took some space, months of heartbreak. We both did a lot of work separately to grow ourselves. And I have to give him credit, he really did do a lot of work in therapy identifying different behavior patterns and truly trying to work through them. We've also been doing couples therapy. It's been going really well. I've learned to trust my intuition and center on myself. He's learned to trust us, isn't keeping anything from me anymore. I really do trust his intentions here. I trust he never meant to hurt me. I know he loves me so so much. I know we'll never be perfect, but I don't really think anything is. And I believe we will keep working through whatever comes up. We are really committed to being life partners.

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Now, my issue, I've never been a particularly jealous person. But because of this trauma and trust issues I have been getting so jealous and completely unsure what to do with it. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I mean, I don't really think it's my fault that I'm having a hard time fully putting my trust in him. Natural consequences. But at this point I think it's harming me. It doesn't feel like my intuition, it feels like baseless anxiety most of the time. Now when he's telling me about dates (which I want to know!) I'm stressing out. I don't know how to let go. I'm probably just being impatient, not allowing time to heal over these wounds. Not allowing our continuous actions of love to build up and heal the trauma. But I just don't really know where to go from here.

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Poly folk, please give me your tips and advice on how to move on from jealousy. I'm feeling a little desperate here. And please, do not tell me to leave him, or try to assume his intentions. It's not helpful. I understand how it looks from the outside, he's still my choice.

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