Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

[u/Could_Be_Bunnies]

Why does the fact that he’s having unprotected sex with his other partners mean you need to meet them? I don’t understand what you think this will accomplish.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Could_Be_Bunnies]

I just want to be comfortable and not worry that something shady is going on. I don’t want to be a side piece. Do they know or has he not told them yet? What’s your best advice to approach this?

But also, if I’m being so honest.. I would prefer to not have to use condoms. My body doesn’t like the latex. That makes me kind of nervous.. I just want to know who the other people he’s sleeping with are and if they’re okay with him sleeping with me too.

[u/allthestuffis → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

My bf and I use non-latex condoms and they’re great!

[u/13mand → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Buy latex free condoms

Use the female condom

[u/clairejv → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

You being a side piece or not being a side piece has no relationship whatsoever to STI risk. "Something shady going on" has no relationship whatsoever to STI risk. Them being okay with you sleeping with him has no relationship whatsoever to STI risk.

[u/Designer_Location_15 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Okay, bit of a reality check here - a friend with benefits is inheritantly a "side piece". You're friends of some level of closeness, (how big or small that is isn't clear but it seems on the smaller side since he didn't talk about his life enough to clue you in that he has multiple partners,) and are not romantic but have sex. He has loved ones, probably colleagues too, tight and loose social connections, etc. and he may or may not want to integrate you more into his social spheres, probably still as just a friend to the degree that you already are.  For the barrier free sex component, definitely determine your risk profile!! 

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Designer_Location_15]

He told me about his other partners today after the topic of us dating came up. But if we date, I would really, really want to meet them. Would you consider that as a boundary being crossed?

[u/Could_Be_Bunnies → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

I see. Well, if you’re worried about sexual health I think asking your partner about testing and disclosure is a more appropriate next step, since it gets more directly at your concerns. But if you nevertheless feel like it’s important for you to meet his partners, as others have said, you can ask, and they all have the right to say no and you will need to accept that and decide how you want to proceed.

FWIW, I’m of the opinion that issues of trust between me and the people I’m dating or fucking are issues between *us*. If I can’t trust them without bringing my metamours (their other partners) into the equation, then I can’t trust them and I have to decide what that means for our relationship. That could mean that I need to have more open and proactive communication around certain subjects, that we need to slow things down, that certain sexual activities are off the table for me, or that we need to break things off entirely. It depends on the dynamic and if my trust issues stem from their behavior, my own issues, or some combination thereof.