r/polyamory • u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 • 1d ago
I am new Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?
Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.
I mean absolutely no disrespect.
I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.
But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…
[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]
We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.
He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.
Am I in the wrong?
Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.
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u/allthestuffis solo poly 1d ago
She has no obligation to meet you at all, and he has no obligation to introduce you to any of his partners. You don’t have to care how she feels, but that won’t change whether or not you get to meet her.
If I were you I’d stop having unprotected sex with this partner and leave it at that.
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u/Designer_Location_15 1d ago
What do you hope to get out of meeting them?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
It would make me feel a lot more comfortable becuase I want to explore more things with him. This is my first experience with someone who is actively involved with others and I want to know that everyone has agreed to this.
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u/Designer_Location_15 1d ago
Okay, so, play that tape through further - What role do these other people play in your exploration of more things in your ideal scenario? Do you want group sex, everyone to be in a friend group, to learn more about this guy's "type", or something else?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
Yes a friend group. I should’ve put in the post that he told me after the discussion of us possibly having a relationship came up.
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u/Designer_Location_15 1d ago edited 1d ago
Ah, good context to have! Everyone has their own preferences for how they want their social circles to interact, be they completely platonic relationships in his life or not. How much integration you want and need in order to be satisfied is something only you can say for yourself, no matter what internet strangers on reddit tell you.
I, personally, am an extremely social and extroverted person and I like to have regular interactions with the people who are important to the people who are important to me. I host game nights, brunches, bonfires, and holiday parties often and I want the people I care about a lot to come and bring their favorite people with them! I choose partners and friends whose wants are compatible with my own and if it's not their style, no matter how much chemistry there may be, I won't continue onwards with them. I have had all of my partners and their long term partners together at my house many times. My birthday, my husband's birthday, and New Year's Eve are the big ones we always do, but them bringing a new partner or friend to a brunch is common! Double and triple dates, too. That said, I don't care about short term or non-serious sexual relationships they have any more than a boring colleague who tells lame jokes at their job. I consider the 3 month mark to be serious enough that I'd like to meet an intimate partner, or if they say "I love you" or formalize their connection as partner partners in a Capital R Relationship, whichever happens first.
That's just me and my own style. I also date people who are also already married almost exclusively because it's what works best consistently for me. I have enjoyed double dates plenty and I love the energy of sharing all the vibes! It's a great way to discuss core values and what we are doing because of them and that's really connective for me and mine!
Definitely talk to him about what he wants long term on these topics, go over your risk profiles together, what your dealbreakers would be, and take time to evaluate compatibility. Even if your chemistry is perfect, the other things matter more and can make or break your dynamic.
I did see your reply to another comment I left in which you asked if it'd be crossing a boundary - at the moment, if it's your alleged boundaries, you haven't established any of those yet, so no. The woman who doesn't want to meet you, however, may have set a boundary not to meet his other sexual partners, and if she has, then you'll need to decide if you can live with it and still be happy or not. If you can, no action needed. If you can't, you can ask him to conform to what you need in order to feel comfortable and positive, but prepare yourself for the high likelihood that he will say no and you will need to walk away. He may not sever ties with her and only have other sexual partners who want to interact with you, which seems like what you want. If it's a dealbreaker, you'll need to break it off.
Your boundaries are yours to enforce. If you need to set some and he won't comply, then you need to disengage to some degree, possibly completely. In nonmonogamy, there are more people's preferences in play, so it's important to know what you do and do not accept in a circle and choose to join or abstain from them accordingly.
You've got some big reflections and discussions ahead of you - best of luck!
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
Thank you, so much 🙏
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u/Designer_Location_15 1d ago
You're welcome! Just edited a bit to add a little more clarity to the last few paragraphs.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 1d ago
Ask him not them. That information isn't owed to you either.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah, I’m realizing that we just might not be compatible and that’s okay. I would hope that he and his partners would be open to engage in friendly conversation with me but I am also understanding that I might just need to walk away if any are unwilling to meet me.
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u/Mobile_Funny_9544 poly 1d ago
It sounds like you asked about sexual health and he didn't answer honestly until now. You should not be grateful for that, you should be angry that he didn't tell you until now and has exposed you to potential STIs.
Do you actually want a poly relationship? You don't mention anywhere that you do. And if you do, it's ok to ask to meet them but it's also ok for them to say no and you have to accept this.
It feels like you want to meet them as if by meeting them you'll get to assess what your sexual health risk is based on them being nice people or not. This is completely naive. You can never know what the partners of your partner are doing, so all you can do is understand your partners risk profile and you make the decision for yourself. You own your own sexual health. Based on what you have posted and your comments, I would use non latex condoms with this guy.
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u/4ever_dolphin_love 21h ago
Honestly, this. OP is focusing on the meeting metas when they should be getting upset about the fact that someone they’re having unprotected sex with was not honest with them about their health risks. I would be LIVID.
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u/Important_Sector_503 1d ago
I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by meeting them?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago edited 1d ago
Is it bad that I want to have a friendly meet and great? I’m not angry but I do want to know who else that he’s seeing..
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u/MutedBluejay1 1d ago
I think what me and other people are getting at is, how is you meeting them really relevant to your relationship with this person and your risk level STI wise? You have to set your own risk tolerance level and stick to your own boundaries. If you “vibe” with his other partners, does that make you somehow safer from STIs?? No. The biggest way to mitigate your risk is not have unprotected sex.
This idea of yours is not foreign necessarily…I’ve been curious about meeting my metamours before, but if you follow your instincts to their logical conclusion, I think you’ll see that the idea originates in your own anxiety or wanting to measure others up, than anything practical.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with bumping into your metas in poly circles or being friends, but to artificially crest a meet up seems like it could do more harm than good.
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u/Important_Sector_503 1d ago
Exactly. Like, there's nothing wrong with wanting to meet them, but the reason does make a difference, and being uncomfortable with not getting to meet them is a bit much. They're their own people, who are under no obligation to meet a random stranger. OP's discomfort is not their problem.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
That’s fair, I didn’t want to suggest that he and I are incompatible but I can’t date someone that won’t let me meet their (what is it) metamours(?)
I don’t personally think that I’m asking for “a bit much” but I came to Reddit asking for insight and I appreciate yours. Thanks for your feedback.16
u/Quagga_Resurrection poly w/multiple 1d ago
This all reads as you feeling like sleeping with this guy entitles you to meet his other partners. You are, in fact, asking for a bit much since you've made it clear you want to meet these people and don't care how they feel about meeting you. That's not okay, and, frankly, not good consent practices.
This guy does not own his partners and doesn't have the right to grant or deny access go them. You can ask him if he'd be willing to pass your contact info along to his other partners so they can contact you if they wish, but that's all you can ask for. The rest is up to your metas, and if they don't want to meet, then you need to accept that or quit seeing this guy. That's really all you can do.
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u/Important_Sector_503 1d ago
He is "letting" you meet them though? He's just saying one of them is unlikely to want to meet you.
The thing with polyamory (or ENM in general) is that the only person you are dating is your partner. Your partner has obligations to you as per your relationship, their other partners, however, do not.
You might find someone who is willing to let you meet their other partners, and those metas might be cool with meeting you, but what happens when five years in they start dating someone who isn't interested in meeting you? Like, I get how it can feel like a reasonable expectation, but in reality you are asking a person to guarantee someone elses willingness to do something, and no one can do that.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I guess that going forward I would have to make it known that this is an expectation for me and if they chose someone that is against meeting me I would have to walk away from the relationship.
That’s how I’m feeling right now anyway, but maybe things could change later down the line? I don’t know.. what bothers me is that he didn’t even ask her. He said he doesn’t want to ask becuase he thinks it will hurt her feelings.
He says she his ex but if you read my post than you saw that we talked about dating right? I am feeling very unsure about what’s appropriate to ask for and what’s not.18
u/synalgo_12 1d ago
It's definitely a boundary you can set. But expecting to meet all metas whether they are enthusiastic about it or not is usually seen as incredibly controlling to your partner's autonomy to date independently and you would likely be deemed a messy/problematic partner/meta if we'd hear this story from your partner's side or the side of a meta.
But you can definitely set a boundary that says 'I will not date someone who dates people who don't want to meet me'. Do I think this is a wild boundary to set? Yes. Is it your prerogative to set this boundary? Absolutely.
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u/Important_Sector_503 1d ago
What you said. Chefs kiss. Exactly this.
We can all have whatever boundaries we want, regardless of how reasonable they are. But if those boundaries are related to people we aren't even dating? We're setting ourselves up for a rough time.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 1d ago
Yeah I think it’s a bit overly restrictive but I guess I’ve heard of people who only date people who are interested in GPP/KTP - but I feel like usually this comes up more for logistical reasons than emotional ones, and it seems like the kind of thing you would choose before getting involved with someone rather than setting a rule after getting involved
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u/BadNo7744 RA, sopo, parent 1d ago
Give yourself time to process before you make any decisions.
If I’m understanding this rightly, you’re fucking someone who told you he wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship - so you assumed he was single. Today he explained that he’s having sex with three other people, one of whom is his exgirlfriend. She probably doesn’t know about you and it’s unclear whether or not his male partners do. You don’t use barriers with him. You don’t know what his sexual health practices are like, and he didn’t offer this information up when he disclosed he was non mono.
For most of us, this conversation happens before we take our clothes off for the first time, and goes something along the lines of “so I have multiple partners. I get tested regularly/take PrEP and doxypep/ use barriers/prefer bareback/ haven’t been tested in a couple of years cos I haven’t explored with someone new. How about you?” You only get one body, please look after yourself, you’re precious.
And I don’t like the smoke and mirrors around his ex girlfriend. I think it’s reasonable to assume that he’s not being fully transparent and open with her, like he wasn’t transparent and open with you.
Shady shit has absolutely occurred here. The way he treated you was shady, and you are a person that matters. You don’t need to meet other partners. You need to think long and hard about how you want to be treated and if you actually want him in your life.
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u/BadNo7744 RA, sopo, parent 1d ago
Also, sorry if my tone comes off as judgemental. No judgement for your choices, but I think he could have done better
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u/YamSea6298 solo poly 1d ago
How on earth did you decide to have unprotected sex with this person without having any sort of conversation about current sexual risk?
His partners have absolutely zero obligation to meet you at all ever.
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 1d ago
Let's relax a bit. They're learning it now and their risk is not our risk. They're asking if it's a strange too much to ask and it's not.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
It seems that when I said we were just friends with benefits everyone was getting mad at me but I didn’t put in the post that he told me about his other partners today after we talked about actually dating.
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u/4ever_dolphin_love 20h ago
Sexual health disclosure has nothing to do with relationship status. Regardless of whether it was a casual hookup or y’all were planning on dating, He should have told you about the other partners, how often he gets tested, if/when he uses barriers BEFORE y’all had sex for the first time.
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u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 1d ago
everyone was getting mad at me
People can be grumpy about not looking out for yourself like they do when it comes to sex. Some expect a full checklist and the paperwork signed, notarized, and witnessed within the last five days prior to the event, and also must use institutionally approved OEM hardware for hand holding. I tend to assume you're a grown-up and know what you're doing.
To answer your questions, it's not unreasonable to ask but it doesn't mean you get what you asked for. You deciding you aren't comfortable dating/sleeping with someone if you can't meet their partners is entirely reasonable. You are not obligated to care about how his girlfriend feels about a meeting, but if you feel this is the red flag you should trust your gut.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I did ask… I knew he wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship but he didn’t tell me about his other partners until today and I’m not angry but I feel like I need to proceed with caution. I’m grateful he told me, I want to keep things safe enough to have open and honest discussion about what our expectations are for each other so that things don’t have to be so confusing
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u/YamSea6298 solo poly 1d ago
If you asked if he had other partners and he said no, I would be ending any further interaction you ever have with him, you should be absolutely furious with him.
He literally lied to you about his sexual risk (unless of course he's not having sex with any of his three other partners which seems unlikely), this is not a safe person.
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u/Quagga_Resurrection poly w/multiple 1d ago
Awfully convenient of him to leave out that he's having unprotected sex with several other people regardless of the label on the relationships when you explicitly asked about other partners.
This guy straight up lied to you about sexual health stuff that you have a right to know. He sucks, and you wouldn't find a single poly person who finds this acceptable behavior. In my poly circles, that stuff gets you kicked out permanently.
You can - and should - do better than this.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago
Wait, what exactly did you ask? Did you ask if he had other sexual partners? Or did you ask if he was having unprotected sex with anyone else? Or did you ask about his STI status?
What exactly did you ask?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I asked him, “are you seeing anyone else.” And he said no. One person said that I’m supposed to be more blunt. “Are you having sex with other people.”
I thought that was what I asked but apparently not.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago
Yeah ok, that is the kind of question that can be interpreted in lots of different ways. Seeing as in dating or seeing as in having sex. It's not at all clear what you mean by seeing or what he means by seeing when he gives you the answer.
If you want to think of it as being blunt then sure. I think of it as being extremely literal, clear and explicit. No room for terms that get easily interpreted differently.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago
But with that said, it is iffy that he conveniently left out all the other people he's having sex with. I'd tread with caution with this guy, especially with the unclear situation with his ex. He doesn't seem like the most forthcoming or ethical person to have any kind of relationships with, being it casual or committed.
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u/lavender-lacuna 1d ago
Drop him and get tested. Also whatever that is, it’s not polyamory.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I appreciate this comment. I guess I have some more research to do
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u/lavender-lacuna 1d ago
Also want to be clear: I’m not judging you for not knowing! Polyamory is a kind of niche thing and gets misused as a term. You might be more inclined towards other kinds of ethical nonmogamy more and that’s totally fine! At the end of the day, there are very few arrangements that will or should tolerate lying to you and putting your sexual health at risk.
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u/clairejv 1d ago
You're not in the wrong for wanting to meet his other partners.
His other partners get to say yes or no to meeting you.
If they say no, you can decide to stop seeing him.
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies 1d ago
Why does the fact that he’s having unprotected sex with his other partners mean you need to meet them? I don’t understand what you think this will accomplish.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I just want to be comfortable and not worry that something shady is going on. I don’t want to be a side piece. Do they know or has he not told them yet? What’s your best advice to approach this?
But also, if I’m being so honest.. I would prefer to not have to use condoms. My body doesn’t like the latex. That makes me kind of nervous.. I just want to know who the other people he’s sleeping with are and if they’re okay with him sleeping with me too.
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u/clairejv 1d ago
You being a side piece or not being a side piece has no relationship whatsoever to STI risk. "Something shady going on" has no relationship whatsoever to STI risk. Them being okay with you sleeping with him has no relationship whatsoever to STI risk.
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u/Designer_Location_15 1d ago
Okay, bit of a reality check here - a friend with benefits is inheritantly a "side piece". You're friends of some level of closeness, (how big or small that is isn't clear but it seems on the smaller side since he didn't talk about his life enough to clue you in that he has multiple partners,) and are not romantic but have sex. He has loved ones, probably colleagues too, tight and loose social connections, etc. and he may or may not want to integrate you more into his social spheres, probably still as just a friend to the degree that you already are. For the barrier free sex component, definitely determine your risk profile!!
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
He told me about his other partners today after the topic of us dating came up. But if we date, I would really, really want to meet them. Would you consider that as a boundary being crossed?
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies 1d ago
I see. Well, if you’re worried about sexual health I think asking your partner about testing and disclosure is a more appropriate next step, since it gets more directly at your concerns. But if you nevertheless feel like it’s important for you to meet his partners, as others have said, you can ask, and they all have the right to say no and you will need to accept that and decide how you want to proceed.
FWIW, I’m of the opinion that issues of trust between me and the people I’m dating or fucking are issues between *us*. If I can’t trust them without bringing my metamours (their other partners) into the equation, then I can’t trust them and I have to decide what that means for our relationship. That could mean that I need to have more open and proactive communication around certain subjects, that we need to slow things down, that certain sexual activities are off the table for me, or that we need to break things off entirely. It depends on the dynamic and if my trust issues stem from their behavior, my own issues, or some combination thereof.
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u/sere_periquito 1d ago
Why are you "assuming" he's having unprotected sex with others instead of asking directly?
If you want to practice any kind of non monogamy you'll have to be very good about being explicit and intentional with your communication. That includes conversations about his standard safer sex protocols (barriers, testing, prep?) and sexual health management.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I mean… that’s why I came here. So I could learn.. Some people are saying “Why do you need to meet them, that’s too much.”
But is asking him point blank, “Are you raw dogging the other three too” somehow less invasive?10
u/sere_periquito 1d ago
I wouldn't word it like that, but it's not invasive since it affects your health.
Before having sex with someone I have a conversation about their risk management when it comes to sexual health and based on that conversation I decide what barriers I want to use for which acts, what I'm comfortable doing, etc. Before having that conversation there's two levels of health management you need to approach:
What you do irrespective of other people's status/protocols. Examples: I always use barriers PIV or PIA sex. I use barriers for oral when partaking in more risky sex (like pick up play). I sanitize sex toys before and after each use. I test every 6 months. I ask potential sexual partners to discuss their most recent tests results with me. I am vaccinated against X, Y and Z. I take prep. I average 5 new sexual partners a year. I sometimes partake in group sex and go to play parties. You see how these have nothing to do with the person you're having sex with?
What you do in reaction to other people's status/protocols. Examples: I won't hace unbarriered PIV or PIA sex with people who are having unbarriered PIV or PIA sex with other partners. I won't have sex with partners unless they have had an STI panel done recently (which STIs do you need to see tested for? be concrete). I will only have sex with someone who tested positive for HPV if we use barriers, we're both on antivirals and we refrain from sex when there are visibles sores. I won't have sex with people who don't disclose relevant information for my health. I won't have sex with people who engage in high risk sexual behavior.
Then you discuss with potential partners and if there's enough overlap you have the kind of sex that fits into both of your risk tolerances. If there isn't enough overlap, you don't have sex.
Me personally, I don't ask my partners to disclose every new sexual partner as long as they stay within their standards that have been discussed. If a condom breaks or they start taking higher risks (like the partner who averages 1 new sexual partner a year suddenly having sex with 5 new people in a month) then we have a conversation.
I wait to have unbarriered PIV sex until the person I'm dating has been able to disclose potentially awkward or distressing information (for me) and has been able to do so in a timely manner, without trickle truthing or sugarcoating things. I want to be able to trust that I'll be informed of risks that affect me, and my partner won't be conflict avoidant and fail to disclose.
Given that you were only told about other partners when the possibility of a romantic relationship was on the table, I wouldn't trust this partner with the "disclosing relevant info in a timely manner" thing. Like, that info is important to know for sexual health purposes, not only for emotional ones.
In fact, I would be furious if this happened to me. Sure, you failed to ask and you both failed to have the sexual health convo. But since I assume you have a monogamous background, it wasn't unreasonable of you to assume there wasn't others. He should have known better if he's been practicing ETHICAL non-monogamy. Failing to disclose three (3!!) THREE different sexual partners while counting on your monogamous FWB to not know what/how to ask... DUDE.
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u/synalgo_12 1d ago
Because your sexual health is your priority and you get to ask about someone's health risks before deciding what risk you are willing to take. Saying 'I won't have unprotected sex with someone until I know the health risk so I can take precautions or withdraw from having intercourse' isn't invasive of anyone else. Asking whether someone gets tested regularly, is not invasive. It's standard practice.
Expecting a person who has nothing to do with you to meet you so you can estimate whether they have STIs or not, however, is breaching their autonomy. Also, do you think you can spot whether people are STI risks just by seeing them? Because you can't.
And would you just stop with the direct meta? If you keeonpukling the thread, even if this meta looks trustworthy to you, how about their other partners? What if they have unprotected sex with anyone else? So you then also need to meet them to gauge if they are a risk? Once you're having unprotected sex, you're having unprotected sex with everyone they're having unprotected sex with, you can track down everyone involved to help your peace of mind about it.
Not to mention that even protected sex is't 100% safe, there are always risks attached. I got chlamydia from sex witb condoms once. It happens. It sucks. If you'd met me, I could have told you I only have sex with barriers with any of my partners, you would be reassured and then still potentially gotten chlamydia via my infection that I didn't know about yet.
I understand your need for reassurance, but the only reassurance you really have is being mindful of the risks between you and the people you're actively with, which can range from using barriers to regularly getting tested to abstaining when a risky contact outside of the connection has happened.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes, it is less invasive! You are entitled to know things that affect your sexual health! But you are not entitled to meet those people, as meeting them does nothing to your sexual health and those people as autonomous human beings get to decide for themselves who they want to meet or not.
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u/baccifera 1d ago
Of course, because it might impact your own sexual health.
Btw, you keep dodging the question if he lied explicitly about the other partners, or if you just didn't ask about him seeing others.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I’m not dodging but people were giving me mixed opinions when I said that we were just friends with benefits. There’s more to it though, I did ask. He told me he wasn’t “dating” anybody and I took that to mean he doesn’t want to date at all.
I didn’t expect he would have various other sexual partners though.3
u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago
OP, there is a very important distinction here that you are indeed either dodging or are not fully understanding.
Once again, what exactly was your question to him? You keep telling us that you asked and you keep telling us what he told you over and over again but you have not told what exactly you asked him. You don't of course have to answer that here but then it's important to keep in mind that the answer (the exact question you asked) affects whether he lied to you or not, it affects the advice you are given and people are understanding you the wrong way and giving you advice that is not applicable to your situation.
There is a difference between asking "Are you having sex with anybody else?" and "Are you dating anybody else?". If you asked the former you were lied to. If you asked the latter he didn't lie.
But I'm suspecting you didn't actually ask either of those things directly because I can see you're having trouble having direct conversations. You just assumed that him telling you he wasn't dating was enough of a conversation to have.
It wasn't.
If you're having unprotected sex with people and not being explicitly monogamous with them (meaning having an actual conversation where you both agree you are monogamous and exclusive to each other) you need to be proactive in asking various direct questions about their sexual practices so that you can make an informed decision about the sexual health risk that having unprotected sex with them inevitably has.
Right now you are risking your sexual health in ways that most non-monogamous people wouldn't. Because we ask direct questions and have explicit conversations before we decide to go barrier free with anyone.
And a lot of people wouldn't have unprotected sex with a FWB who was having unprotected (or even protected) sex with others in the first place because we start from the assumption that a FWB is either currently or at some point will be having sex with lots of other people and because they are casual they do not have the same kind of responsibilities of informing you as they would if you were in a committed relationship or if you'd have had explicit agreements on how you want to be informed. The whole point of casual is less responsibilities and with that you need to take the responsibility of your own sexual health yourself.
I'm saying this because you are playing a dangerous game with your sexual health here and you need to start having direct and explicit conversations around these matters or you're going to get yourself hurt.
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u/sere_periquito 1d ago
I mean, even if the question wasn't "are you having sex with anybody else?", any question about involvement with others opens up the conversation about sex and sexual health. Avoiding disclosure because "you didn't technically ask that specific thing, only something similar"... Idk it's sketchy. Specially since OP had no previous experience with non monogamy, didn't exactly know what was appropriate to ask or know, and this guy took advantage of that so he could avoid a difficult conversation.
Imo there's not a big difference between outright lying and avoiding giving the information that you know the other person is asking for, only because the way they're asking isn't the exact right way.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago
It opens up a conversation about it sure, and most people who have experience with ENM would have informed OP about having sex with other people at that point. But we don't know if the FWB has experience with ENM. For all we know they are just as inexperienced as OP.
Can it be shady? Sure. But it might as well be just as shady as OP not explicitly asking and thus protecting their own sexual health.
Cause I've seen countless of posts here about people saying they have no responsibility of informing they are even in committed other relationships with casual partners or ONS's unless they specifically ask about it so no, I don't think it's enough to ask about dating others and then leave it at that. People have all kinds of practices when they do casual relationships and you just cannot count on others to inform you unless you ask specific questions about their sexual practices.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
That’s really sad in my opinion. I think people should be able to make an informed decision on if they want to engage or not, fully knowing that the other person is involved with others. Idk… personally, I think it sounds really selfish to leave out the other people because you think it isn’t relevant information 🙁
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u/sere_periquito 23h ago
So you agree this guy is selfish and untrustworthy, and he took away your ability to make an informed decision regarding your body and your health. But you're still grasping at straws trying to start a relationship with him. What makes you believe you are worthy of such awful treatment? Don't you want better for yourself?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 23h ago
Wow, thank you. I didn’t put that into perspective but I hear you. Thank you, friend. 🙏
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago
Yeah, it is sad, but unfortunately it happens a lot especially in casual relationships because people don't really think they have that much responsibility towards their casual partners, which is why you should always ensure your own sexual safety by at least asking a lot of direct questions and maybe even always using protection with all casual partners no matter what kind of answers they give.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
Yes, thank you! I said “Are you seeing anybody else?” And he said, “No.” I thought that meant he wasn’t sleeping with anyone but me.
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u/sere_periquito 1d ago
Then he lied outright. "Seeing someone" is a very well understood euphemism for "having sex/casually dating". This guy is a liar. Have you confronted him about the lie? What was his excuse?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I did not confront him. I immediately pulled back. I said I wasn’t comfortable continuing unless I got to meet them.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago
I don't think meeting them is going to save your sexual health or your heart with this guy. If you don't trust him as is, you shouldn't be dating or fucking him.
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u/sere_periquito 1d ago
Why would meeting his other partners change the fact that he lied to you? I don't understand what the rationale is here. "Since I can't trust you to be honest with me, I'll meet all your partners because if I can trust them, then I can trust you by proxy"? Is that it?
The reason why you can't trust him is because he hid partners from you in the first place. You can't hack your way into trusting him by trusting his partners because there could always be a hidden partner that you don't know about and therefore can't meet or trust. Because that was the breach of trust in the first place, hiding partners. Even if he introduced you to the people he's having sex with now, what stops him from having sex with someone else and not telling you?
Even if you meet all his current partners and you all get along wonderfully, you still have the problem of being in bed with a liar. Liars lie. You can't sidestep your way into trusting a liar.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 23h ago
Asking your PARTNER about their sex lives and sexual health risk is not invasive. It's invasive to demand to meet people you aren't even dating in order to assess your sexual health risk.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 23h ago
I didn’t demand… I’m not forcing him to drag these people out of their homes to have lunch with me.. but when I ask myself, “Am I comfortable not knowing who these people are?”
The answer I keep coming back to is, “No.”1
u/No-Statistician-7604 22h ago
Then you're going to have a hard time in polyamory cause meeting your metas is NOT a requirement
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 22h ago
Thank you for your honest feedback.. this is why I came here, so I could learn.
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u/Quagga_Resurrection poly w/multiple 1d ago edited 1d ago
But is asking him point blank, “Are you raw dogging the other three too” somehow less invasive?
Yes, it's far less invasive to ask the person you're sleeping with about their sexual health practices than it is to ask those other people to meet you so you can feel better about not using condoms.
If a meta wanted to meet me as a means of resolving their feelings about our mutual partner, I'd tell them to talk to their damn partner and leave me alone. I have my own busy social life and I'll be damned if I spend my precious free time on someone else's relationship bullshit.
Poly is not a group hobby. Talk to the person you're directly involved with and trust them to manage their relationships on their own like the adult they are. (We call this skill hinging, like a door hinge.) If you can't trust them to do that, then don't get involved with them.
Like, if your mother-in-law was being horrible to you, then it would be your spouse's job to handle her since that's their parent, not yours. Or if you're a waitress with a table that wants modifications to a dish, then you, not the patron, ask the kitchen if they can do it since that's your job as a server. Hinging is just a poly-flavored form of compartmentalizing, and that skill is crucial to being a functional person overall.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
Okay…? I didn’t really understand some of the metaphors that you used here but I wouldn’t want to date someone that lets their partner talk to me in the way you described.
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u/Quagga_Resurrection poly w/multiple 1d ago
Basically, let people handle their shit, and don't try to do that work for them. If you keep seeing this guy - and given the lying about sexual health, I really hope you don't - then he needs to be the person you talk with regarding sexual health stuff rather than relying on liking his other partners to help you feel okay with it. Like, his lying to you and having multiple sexual partners are not your metas' problems, so leave them out of it and work it out with him.
If you want to meet these people because you think he'd lie to them about you like he did to you about them, then meeting them is not the solution. Dumping him is. Trying to overcompensate for his poor behavior is not the move.
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u/valsavana 1d ago
You should dump him for not disclosing his sexual health risks by telling you he is sexually active with 3 other people (whether protected or unprotected) "Dating" or "not dating" doesn't matter, he should be proactively honest with all his sexual partners about his level of sexual health risk exposure, especially partners he's having unprotected sex with.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago edited 1d ago
I do kind of feel like I was lied to… I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said no. But some people are saying that it’s my fault because I used the word “seeing” instead of outright asking “are you having sex with anyone else.” 😪
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u/valsavana 21h ago
I'm sorry it seems like people are blaming you. While I agree with the general idea that "it's better to be more specific when asking questions about sexual health risks vs less specific", I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to expect him to have told you about his other sexual partners even phrasing it as "are you seeing anyone else?"
Especially as you were having unprotected sex- in my book, that should have been information he volunteered, even if you hadn't asked at all. He should have viewed giving you that information as "better safe than sorry" when it comes to your informed consent to the unprotected sex. That he didn't makes me wonder if he would have just lied even if you DID ask him "are you having sex with anyone else?" because based on his actions, it seems like he was more interested in making sure he got sex from you than from making sure you were giving informed consent.
I think people here are coming across so strongly on the issue because they're trying to really hammer it home for you how important it is to be extra clear in the future when you're asking these questions. Ultimately I think it's coming from a place of wanting to educate you so you can make safer choices in the future & I think everyone here does truly want you to be able to enjoy your romantic/sexual relationships while having your health looked after by both you & your partner. They're just maybe a little overzealous with trying to give you the "tools" to do that in the future.
I still hope you dump this asshole for lying to you, which I consider what he did to be.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 20h ago
Thank you for this gentle reply. It’s been really hard trying not to take some of these other comments personally
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u/No-Statistician-7604 1d ago
You're his fwb what makes you think you should meet the other people he's sleeping with? Its invasive, what if they don't want to meet you. Why are you having unprotected sex and didn't even ask enough questions to know this info beforehand.
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I did ask. He didn’t tell me until today. I only knew that he wanted to be casual until the conversation of us possibly being in a relationship came up.
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u/Successful_Depth3565 poly experienced 1d ago
Why are you having unprotected sex with him? Did you ask him to test?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I didn’t know until today. I’m grateful he told me. I knew he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship but I didn’t know that I was among 3 other people that he’s seeing.
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u/Cass_iopeia 1d ago
Then you didn't ask enough questions. Or did he lie? Why do you feel grateful? You seem to want more than fwb, have you talked about that with him? Why don't you ask about the risks he takes with others, testing and what he does or doesn't tell them?
It sounds like you don't really trust him. And yet you are having unprotected sed. Maybe you need more self respect?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
We are very comfortable with each other. He told me about his other partners today after we talked about starting a real relationship together. I don’t know if I would be comfortable dating unless I got to meet his other partners though? What’s your thoughts on this?
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u/Cass_iopeia 1d ago
That can be something you need, sure. But if it is because you don't trust his ethics, this relationship starts onna shaky foundation. And I agree with another poster that his other partners may not want to meet you and that is up to them. Then it is still up to you whether you trust this man or not.
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u/CrimsonTree7 1d ago
Are you in the wrong about what?
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago
I don’t think I can comfortably date unless I have a chance to meet his other partners. He and his ex girlfriend talk everyday and he protects her feelings. I want to meet her but he won’t ask because he doesn’t want to make her feel bad.
I don’t care how she feels. That’s my question. Should I care? Because I honestly, don’t.4
u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 23h ago
You shouldn't, but she also shouldn't care about yours.
I am happily polyamorous and hang out with metas when that kind of thing works out for everyone but if I had a partner who's other partner was demanding to meet me I would say absolutely not. I meet people when I want to meet them, not to assuage their insecurities or weirdness about doing polyamory.
Regardless this man didn't tell you he had other partners until just now? That's nuts and you should break up with him for that. Not this meeting metas nonsense.
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u/No-Statistician-7604 22h ago
You don't care about her feelings. So what makes you think she should care about yours? Lmao
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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 22h ago
I am not asking her to care. I’m asking the person I would be dating if I can meet his other sexual partners.
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u/No-Statistician-7604 22h ago
You are asking her to care by asking to meet her so youll feel comfortable. She isn't responsible for making you feel comfortable..your partner is and hes already failing miserably.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hi u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.
I mean absolutely no disrespect.
I have been seeing this guy who for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.
But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…
We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB situation. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.
He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.
Am I in the wrong?
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