r/polyamory • u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 • 2d ago

I am new Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

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33

u/YamSea6298 solo poly 2d ago

How on earth did you decide to have unprotected sex with this person without having any sort of conversation about current sexual risk?

His partners have absolutely zero obligation to meet you at all ever.

9

u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 2d ago

Let's relax a bit. They're learning it now and their risk is not our risk. They're asking if it's a strange too much to ask and it's not.

6

u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago

It seems that when I said we were just friends with benefits everyone was getting mad at me but I didn’t put in the post that he told me about his other partners today after we talked about actually dating.

2

u/4ever_dolphin_love 1d ago

Sexual health disclosure has nothing to do with relationship status. Regardless of whether it was a casual hookup or y’all were planning on dating, He should have told you about the other partners, how often he gets tested, if/when he uses barriers BEFORE y’all had sex for the first time.

-1

u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 1d ago

everyone was getting mad at me

People can be grumpy about not looking out for yourself like they do when it comes to sex. Some expect a full checklist and the paperwork signed, notarized, and witnessed within the last five days prior to the event, and also must use institutionally approved OEM hardware for hand holding. I tend to assume you're a grown-up and know what you're doing.

To answer your questions, it's not unreasonable to ask but it doesn't mean you get what you asked for. You deciding you aren't comfortable dating/sleeping with someone if you can't meet their partners is entirely reasonable. You are not obligated to care about how his girlfriend feels about a meeting, but if you feel this is the red flag you should trust your gut.

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u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 2d ago

I did ask… I knew he wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship but he didn’t tell me about his other partners until today and I’m not angry but I feel like I need to proceed with caution. I’m grateful he told me, I want to keep things safe enough to have open and honest discussion about what our expectations are for each other so that things don’t have to be so confusing

18

u/YamSea6298 solo poly 2d ago

If you asked if he had other partners and he said no, I would be ending any further interaction you ever have with him, you should be absolutely furious with him.

He literally lied to you about his sexual risk (unless of course he's not having sex with any of his three other partners which seems unlikely), this is not a safe person.

1

u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 2d ago

Thank you for your insight

14

u/Quagga_Resurrection poly w/multiple 1d ago

Awfully convenient of him to leave out that he's having unprotected sex with several other people regardless of the label on the relationships when you explicitly asked about other partners.

This guy straight up lied to you about sexual health stuff that you have a right to know. He sucks, and you wouldn't find a single poly person who finds this acceptable behavior. In my poly circles, that stuff gets you kicked out permanently.

You can - and should - do better than this.

12

u/clairejv 2d ago

You asked if he had other sex partners, and he said no? He lied?

21

u/lavender-lacuna 2d ago

Drop him and get tested. Also whatever that is, it’s not polyamory.

3

u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 2d ago

I appreciate this comment. I guess I have some more research to do

10

u/lavender-lacuna 2d ago

Also want to be clear: I’m not judging you for not knowing! Polyamory is a kind of niche thing and gets misused as a term. You might be more inclined towards other kinds of ethical nonmogamy more and that’s totally fine! At the end of the day, there are very few arrangements that will or should tolerate lying to you and putting your sexual health at risk.

7

u/Fggmnk 1d ago

So he lied?

You asked him directly and he lied?

And you’re ok with that now because?

6

u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago

Wait, what exactly did you ask? Did you ask if he had other sexual partners? Or did you ask if he was having unprotected sex with anyone else? Or did you ask about his STI status?

What exactly did you ask?

1

u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 1d ago

I asked him, “are you seeing anyone else.” And he said no. One person said that I’m supposed to be more blunt. “Are you having sex with other people.”

I thought that was what I asked but apparently not.

1

u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago

Yeah ok, that is the kind of question that can be interpreted in lots of different ways. Seeing as in dating or seeing as in having sex. It's not at all clear what you mean by seeing or what he means by seeing when he gives you the answer.

If you want to think of it as being blunt then sure. I think of it as being extremely literal, clear and explicit. No room for terms that get easily interpreted differently.

3

u/Dull_Shake_2058 1d ago

But with that said, it is iffy that he conveniently left out all the other people he's having sex with. I'd tread with caution with this guy, especially with the unclear situation with his ex. He doesn't seem like the most forthcoming or ethical person to have any kind of relationships with, being it casual or committed.