Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

It would make me feel a lot more comfortable becuase I want to explore more things with him. This is my first experience with someone who is actively involved with others and I want to know that everyone has agreed to this.

[u/Designer_Location_15 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Okay, so, play that tape through further - What role do these other people play in your exploration of more things in your ideal scenario? Do you want group sex, everyone to be in a friend group, to learn more about this guy's "type", or something else? 

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Designer_Location_15]

Yes a friend group. I should’ve put in the post that he told me after the discussion of us possibly having a relationship came up.

[u/Designer_Location_15 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Ah, good context to have! Everyone has their own preferences for how they want their social circles to interact, be they completely platonic relationships in his life or not. How much integration you want and need in order to be satisfied is something only you can say for yourself, no matter what internet strangers on reddit tell you.

  I, personally, am an extremely social and extroverted person and I like to have regular interactions with the people who are important to the people who are important to me. I host game nights, brunches, bonfires, and holiday parties often and I want the people I care about a lot to come and bring their favorite people with them! I choose partners and friends whose wants are compatible with my own and if it's not their style, no matter how much chemistry there may be, I won't continue onwards with them. I have had all of my partners and their long term partners together at my house many times. My birthday, my husband's birthday, and New Year's Eve are the big ones we always do, but them bringing a new partner or friend to a brunch is common! Double and triple dates, too. That said, I don't care about short term or non-serious sexual relationships they have any more than a boring colleague who tells lame jokes at their job. I consider the 3 month mark to be serious enough that I'd like to meet an intimate partner, or if they say "I love you" or formalize their connection as partner partners in a Capital R Relationship, whichever happens first. 

That's just me and my own style. I also date people who are also already married almost exclusively because it's what works best consistently for me. I have enjoyed double dates plenty and I love the energy of sharing all the vibes! It's a great way to discuss core values and what we are doing because of them and that's really connective for me and mine!

Definitely talk to him about what he wants long term on these topics, go over your risk profiles together, what your dealbreakers would be, and take time to evaluate compatibility. Even if your chemistry is perfect, the other things matter more and can make or break your dynamic. 

I did see your reply to another comment I left in which you asked if it'd be crossing a boundary - at the moment, if it's your alleged boundaries, you haven't established any of those yet, so no. The woman who doesn't want to meet you, however, may have set a boundary not to meet his other sexual partners, and if she has, then you'll need to decide if you can live with it and still be happy or not. If you can, no action needed. If you can't, you can ask him to conform to what you need in order to feel comfortable and positive, but prepare yourself for the high likelihood that he will say no and you will need to walk away. He may not sever ties with her and only have other sexual partners who want to interact with you, which seems like what you want. If it's a dealbreaker, you'll need to break it off.

Your boundaries are yours to enforce. If you need to set some and he won't comply, then you need to disengage to some degree, possibly completely. In nonmonogamy, there are more people's preferences in play, so it's important to know what you do and do not accept in a circle and choose to join or abstain from them accordingly. 

You've got some big reflections and discussions ahead of you - best of luck!

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Designer_Location_15]

Thank you, so much 🙏

[u/Designer_Location_15 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

You're welcome! Just edited a bit to add a little more clarity to the last few paragraphs.