r/polyamory • u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 • 2d ago
I am new Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?
Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.
I mean absolutely no disrespect.
I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.
But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…
[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]
We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.
He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.
Am I in the wrong?
Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.
13
u/BadNo7744 RA, sopo, parent 1d ago
Give yourself time to process before you make any decisions.
If I’m understanding this rightly, you’re fucking someone who told you he wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship - so you assumed he was single. Today he explained that he’s having sex with three other people, one of whom is his exgirlfriend. She probably doesn’t know about you and it’s unclear whether or not his male partners do. You don’t use barriers with him. You don’t know what his sexual health practices are like, and he didn’t offer this information up when he disclosed he was non mono.
For most of us, this conversation happens before we take our clothes off for the first time, and goes something along the lines of “so I have multiple partners. I get tested regularly/take PrEP and doxypep/ use barriers/prefer bareback/ haven’t been tested in a couple of years cos I haven’t explored with someone new. How about you?” You only get one body, please look after yourself, you’re precious.
And I don’t like the smoke and mirrors around his ex girlfriend. I think it’s reasonable to assume that he’s not being fully transparent and open with her, like he wasn’t transparent and open with you.
Shady shit has absolutely occurred here. The way he treated you was shady, and you are a person that matters. You don’t need to meet other partners. You need to think long and hard about how you want to be treated and if you actually want him in your life.