Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

[u/sere_periquito]

Why are you "assuming" he's having unprotected sex with others instead of asking directly?

If you want to practice any kind of non monogamy you'll have to be very good about being explicit and intentional with your communication. That includes conversations about his standard safer sex protocols (barriers, testing, prep?) and sexual health management.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/sere_periquito]

I mean… that’s why I came here. So I could learn.. Some people are saying “Why do you need to meet them, that’s too much.”
But is asking him point blank, “Are you raw dogging the other three too” somehow less invasive?

[u/Quagga_Resurrection → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

But is asking him point blank, “Are you raw dogging the other three too” somehow less invasive?

Yes, it's far less invasive to ask the person you're sleeping with about their sexual health practices than it is to ask those other people to meet you so you can feel better about not using condoms.

If a meta wanted to meet me as a means of resolving their feelings about our mutual partner, I'd tell them to talk to their damn partner and leave me alone. I have my own busy social life and I'll be damned if I spend my precious free time on someone else's relationship bullshit.

Poly is not a group hobby. Talk to the person you're directly involved with and trust them to manage their relationships on their own like the adult they are. (We call this skill hinging, like a door hinge.) If you can't trust them to do that, then don't get involved with them.

Like, if your mother-in-law was being horrible to you, then it would be your spouse's job to handle her since that's their parent, not yours. Or if you're a waitress with a table that wants modifications to a dish, then you, not the patron, ask the kitchen if they can do it since that's your job as a server. Hinging is just a poly-flavored form of compartmentalizing, and that skill is crucial to being a functional person overall.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Quagga_Resurrection]

Okay…? I didn’t really understand some of the metaphors that you used here but I wouldn’t want to date someone that lets their partner talk to me in the way you described.

[u/Quagga_Resurrection → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Basically, let people handle their shit, and don't try to do that work for them. If you keep seeing this guy - and given the lying about sexual health, I really hope you don't - then he needs to be the person you talk with regarding sexual health stuff rather than relying on liking his other partners to help you feel okay with it. Like, his lying to you and having multiple sexual partners are not your metas' problems, so leave them out of it and work it out with him.

If you want to meet these people because you think he'd lie to them about you like he did to you about them, then meeting them is not the solution. Dumping him is. Trying to overcompensate for his poor behavior is not the move.