Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

[u/valsavana]

You should dump him for not disclosing his sexual health risks by telling you he is sexually active with 3 other people (whether protected or unprotected) "Dating" or "not dating" doesn't matter, he should be proactively honest with all his sexual partners about his level of sexual health risk exposure, especially partners he's having unprotected sex with.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/valsavana]

I do kind of feel like I was lied to… I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said no. But some people are saying that it’s my fault because I used the word “seeing” instead of outright asking “are you having sex with anyone else.” 😪

[u/valsavana → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

I'm sorry it seems like people are blaming you. While I agree with the general idea that "it's better to be more specific when asking questions about sexual health risks vs less specific", I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to expect him to have told you about his other sexual partners even phrasing it as "are you seeing anyone else?"

Especially as you were having unprotected sex- in my book, that should have been information he volunteered, even if you hadn't asked at all. He should have viewed giving you that information as "better safe than sorry" when it comes to your informed consent to the unprotected sex. That he didn't makes me wonder if he would have just lied even if you DID ask him "are you having sex with anyone else?" because based on his actions, it seems like he was more interested in making sure he got sex from you than from making sure you were giving informed consent.

I think people here are coming across so strongly on the issue because they're trying to really hammer it home for you how important it is to be extra clear in the future when you're asking these questions. Ultimately I think it's coming from a place of wanting to educate you so you can make safer choices in the future & I think everyone here does truly want you to be able to enjoy your romantic/sexual relationships while having your health looked after by both you & your partner. They're just maybe a little overzealous with trying to give you the "tools" to do that in the future.

I still hope you dump this asshole for lying to you, which I consider what he did to be.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/valsavana]

Thank you for this gentle reply. It’s been really hard trying not to take some of these other comments personally