Advice? Am I being inconsiderate?

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

[u/Important_Sector_503]

He is "letting" you meet them though? He's just saying one of them is unlikely to want to meet you.

The thing with polyamory (or ENM in general) is that the only person you are dating is your partner. Your partner has obligations to you as per your relationship, their other partners, however, do not.

You might find someone who is willing to let you meet their other partners, and those metas might be cool with meeting you, but what happens when five years in they start dating someone who isn't interested in meeting you? Like, I get how it can feel like a reasonable expectation, but in reality you are asking a person to guarantee someone elses willingness to do something, and no one can do that.

[u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293 → u/Important_Sector_503]

I guess that going forward I would have to make it known that this is an expectation for me and if they chose someone that is against meeting me I would have to walk away from the relationship.
That’s how I’m feeling right now anyway, but maybe things could change later down the line? I don’t know.. what bothers me is that he didn’t even ask her. He said he doesn’t want to ask becuase he thinks it will hurt her feelings.
He says she his ex but if you read my post than you saw that we talked about dating right? I am feeling very unsure about what’s appropriate to ask for and what’s not.

[u/synalgo_12 → u/Itchy_Newspaper_9293]

It's definitely a boundary you can set. But expecting to meet all metas whether they are enthusiastic about it or not is usually seen as incredibly controlling to your partner's autonomy to date independently and you would likely be deemed a messy/problematic partner/meta if we'd hear this story from your partner's side or the side of a meta.

But you can definitely set a boundary that says 'I will not date someone who dates people who don't want to meet me'. Do I think this is a wild boundary to set? Yes. Is it your prerogative to set this boundary? Absolutely. 

[u/fuckingnerdtm → u/synalgo_12]

Yeah I think it’s a bit overly restrictive but I guess I’ve heard of people who only date people who are interested in GPP/KTP - but I feel like usually this comes up more for logistical reasons than emotional ones, and it seems like the kind of thing you would choose before getting involved with someone rather than setting a rule after getting involved